Starvation - 5/22

The smack echoes through the tent. Marcos has a bright red handprint on the side of his face, his expression unchanging.

“You’ve killed us,” Jasper says, his face the same shade as the handprint.

Our small end-of-the-world feux book club has watched this argument unfold countless times over the last week, but it was the first time either of them had gotten violent.

“How many…” Marcos starts, before Samantha cuts him off.

“No, Marcos, he’s right this time. We tried, but we can’t keep this up,” she says, pushing Jasper away and placing herself between the two of them.

“I can’t just watch people starve,” Marcos responds, gesturing to the outside.

“So you won’t let them starve, but you will let us?” Jasper spits back.

“We aren’t starving, we just have to ration.”

“Oh, we are well past the point of rationing. I can’t keep doing this, I’m falling apart,” Jasper retorts. His face does look thinner than before, but we have been eating enough to survive at least, even if my stomach is always growling.

“It’s over, Marcos. We have to try plan B,” Samantha adds in a placating tone.

Marcos collapses into the bed behind him, hands covering his face. He rubs it a few times before looking up at the others, dejected.

“I can’t leave them. I just can’t,” he says.

“Then don’t come. I can’t make you. But, it’s suicide,” Jasper finishes, before storming out of the tent.

Josh looks like he is about to jump in and say something from our side of the tent, but Uma stops him with a hand to the shoulder, shaking her head no. He had offered to help them scavenge as soon as he could walk, only to be shot down after they saw how unsteady he was over long distances. He’d confided in us that it was eating him up inside, not being able to do anything to help.

Well, at least you can move around at all.

Nobody speaks for a minute as Samantha and Marcos just look at one another. She opens her mouth to say something, closes it, and then leaves as well.

Uma lets Josh’s shoulder go, and he gets up to walk over to Marcos.

“So… what is plan B?” he hesitantly asks.

“Leaving whoever we have to and saving ourselves,” Marcos says while refusing to make eye contact.

“Just giving up on why you stayed? I’m not saying you have to stay, I just…” Josh trails off.

“Yup. We throw in the towel and save ourselves,” Marcos responds before slapping his legs and standing up next to Josh, placing a hand on his shoulder as he does.

“But, I’ll think of something else. Promise,” he finishes, walking out after Samantha.

The rest of the day in the tent went by quietly. If a conversation happened outside, it was done far enough away that we couldn’t hear it. Josh and Uma went back to their beds and waited quietly to hear our fates, leaving me alone to stew on my predicament.

I hadn’t been able to stand on my own yet, let alone walk during Samantha’s physical therapy sessions. Even if everyone stayed here to help me, it was unlikely we would last very long given the current food and water situation. Food had been more of an issue, but it was only a matter of time before we ran out of water as well. Boiling the dirty water they could gather was working so far, but surely we would run out of even dirty water as well. Or things to fuel the fire.

Flipping the situation over as many times in my head as I could, I still couldn’t find a solution. No matter their plan, I was certain that my time was running out one way or another. I should have died a week ago, but it was only now going to take its course.

I deserve it for being such a leech.

Well after the sun had set, our trio of caretakers re-entered the tent. Samantha and Jasper looked hollow. Marcos wore a determined face, accentuated by his immaculate cheekbones, he had an air about him that towered over the other two.

“Plan B is a go,” Marcos says, before walking toward our dwindling cache of supplies and hastily filling up a backpack. Jasper and Samantha hesitantly follow suit, eyes to the ground and avoiding me as they walk by.

“That being said, I am staying. Anyone who can walk is welcome to go with these two,” Marcos adds, sounding like a drill sergeant barking orders.

“Won’t we just slow them down?” Uma asks. She could walk now, but not well without assistance for her bad foot.

“They will help you. To make up for it, you are getting all the food we have left. Should buy you enough time to get to a region less searched or even maybe less destroyed,” Marcos responds.

Josh didn’t need to be told twice; he was itching to walk the way it was and nearly lept off the bed, his legs barely stable enough to match his speed. Uma slowly gets up to join them.

“What will you do without the food?” Uma asks, giving me a weary glance as she passes.

“Figure something out, don’t worry about us,” Marcos says, somehow convincingly.

I don’t know if he believes everything he is saying, but at least I do. He is someone I know I can trust. Which just makes it harder knowing he is sacrificing himself for me. I had to say something.

“Just leave the rest of us, Marcos. We’re not worth it,” I chime in.

Don’t get yourself killed for me.

A couple of them look at me, surprised. Marcos is not one of them, he just continues packing as he responds.

“You don’t get to make that call for the other two.”

“It’s not like you can help them when…” I start, but he stands up so quickly while turning my way that I stop. He marches over.

“Look, I’m tired of people telling me who I can and cannot try to save. The government did it. Jasper did it. Now you are doing it. If this is what gets me killed, so be it. Someone who stayed in an unlivable building ought to understand.”

My face feels flushed. Even after hearing him argue with Jasper and knowing what his raised voice sounded like, I hadn’t expected this reaction from him, especially not right in my face.

He is glaring at me, a foot from my face, with his finger dug into my chest, waiting for me to say something else. I don’t. Staying in that position for a minute, it feels like he is looking intently into my eyes, searching my soul for the response I won’t give, urging me to try him. Then he backs up, sighs, and says,

“Don’t ever say you aren’t worth it again. It’s insulting to those who died trying to save you already. And if you think I’m going to die helping you, least you can do is not insult me while I do it.”

He goes back to packing the bag, helping Josh and Uma with another one once he finishes. They finish the meager pile quickly after that, with four full bags of all of our food stuffed to the brim.

Marcos finishes their packing by giving his rifle to Samantha, who, in turn, gives her pistol to a shocked Uma.

“Don’t have to shoot anyone with it, but best to keep it on hand,” Samantha says.

“Alright,” Jasper begins to speak for the first time since coming back in. Now that he finally looks up, I can see his face is red, and it looks like he has been crying recently.

“We leave tomorrow at dawn, get some sleep,” he orders.