Chapter XV - If You Tell Anyone, I’ll Kill You (V)

All of those memories, transient and fleeting, passed in a flash of lightning as I stared at Minazuki Serena on the rooftop.

Her hair fluttered in the wind as the sky shone dark orange. Her eyes, those icy blue chips, locked onto mine with an intensity that threatened to swallow me whole.

And as I persisted, or rather, felt compelled by some transcendental force to continue staring at her, I felt the inexorable draw of gravity tugging me forward. As if by some cosmic force, my body moved toward hers.

But then I saw it.

What lay truly in her eyes was neither patience nor the expectation of my presence. It was a delusion, a mere fantasy that I had projected on to the girl who stood before me. Over and over again. I hadn't grown since the time before; I hadn't changed at all. I continued to relentlessly delude myself into thinking that Minazuki Serena was a shy angel, a damsel in distress who simply needed someone to fix her, a savior in scarlet and reflecting blue.

I was wrong. So, so very wrong.

The "thing" in her eyes was not what my mind wanted to see. And so, as her eyes narrowed and her lips drew downwards into a scowl, my heart sank.

It was the same eyes, expression, and reality that I'd seen countless times before. Her aura of aloofness, cold detachment, and indifference to the world around her was all coming back to me. The rejection, the anger, the disgust—it was all there, reflected in those icy blue orbs.

"Why the hell are you here?"

I opened my mouth to explain, to say something, anything. To apologize for disturbing her, for invading her space, for being the unwanted presence in her life once again. To beg forgiveness for the transgressions I had committed.

But the words caught in my throat. What could I possibly say that wouldn't make the situation worse?

"I'm sorry... I heard the music, and..."

"What, thought you'd come up here and interfere with my life again?" As always, she spoke without reservation. "Didn't I make myself clear enough the last time? Or do I need to break something else to get my point across?"

My hand instinctively rose to my nose, tracing the slight crook that remained after it had healed. The memory of that day—the humiliation, the blood, the pain—made my stomach twist and turn.

"No, I—it's not like that," I stammered. "I wasn't following you, I swear. I just... I come up here sometimes, and I heard you singing, and—"

"You come up here? Why?"

The question caught me off guard. Why did I come up here? What was it about this rooftop that drew me back time and time again, even when I knew it was pointless?

What could I possibly say that wouldn't sound pathetic or, worse, like another lie?

"To... think."

That was the best I could manage.

"To think," she repeated, tone flat and skeptical.

"Yeah. It's... quiet up here. Peaceful, and it's good to be alone sometimes."

She looked at me for a long moment, as if searching for something in my eyes, on my face, or within my posture.

"Well, you're not alone now," she said, turning away. "So leave."

"I—I can't."

I couldn't leave. Not yet. Not when I'd finally found her… and found the voice that had kept me tethered to this world.

"Excuse me?"

"Please, just... let me explain." The words tumbled out before I could stop them. "I know you hate me, and I know I've been a pest. But I have to tell you something. It's important."

A pregnant pause.

"It was your voice that night. It couldn't be longer than a week and a half ago. I heard you singing somewhere in the school. It was... it was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard."

Her eyes widened.

"I didn't know it was you then, I just knew that whoever was singing... they saved me. That song saved me."

Her lips parted slightly, and her brows furrowed in confusion or disbelief. She looked as if she wanted to speak, to interrupt, but no words came out.

"I've been looking for that voice ever since," I pressed on, spurred by the fact that she hadn't immediately dismissed me. "I've been searching everywhere, asking everyone, trying to find who it was that sang that song. And then, tonight, I heard you again, and I realized... it was you."

Green met blue.

"You were the sound that saved me, Minazuki-san."

Another long, agonizing pause stretched between us. The wind picked up, sending a chill down my spine.

"...Saved you?" she finally said in an intonation barely audible over the howling of the breeze. "From what?"

In that moment, I realized I'd gone too far to retreat. The truth was all I had left.

"From myself."

What I said was irreversible. I couldn't take it back.

And I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

I didn't want to.

"I was going to jump," I said, my voice frighteningly calm despite the admission. "I was standing right here, at this railing, and I was going to... I was going to end it. And then I heard you singing, and I couldn't. I just... couldn't."

"That's not my problem."

Shift, sharp, and ruthless, as if not daring to engage with the topic any further.

"I didn't sing for you. I didn't save you. Whatever you think happened, it was in your head. It's not my responsibility." Minazuki-san shook her head as if to reinforce her point.

"I know. I'm not saying you owe me anything. I just... I needed you to know. I wanted you to know that your voice mattered. I wanted you to know that it changed something."

"It didn't change anything. You're still here, bothering me. It was just a stupid song anyway."

"Everything changed!"

My voice cut through the evening air and echoed off the concrete walls. The sudden volume of my proclamation startled even myself.

"I'm alive! I'm standing here talking to you instead of being a stain on the pavement six floors down! How's that not change?! How's that not enough?!"

The outburst hung in the air like smoke, suffocating and acrid. I could feel the heat rising in my face, the pounding of my heart against my ribs. I was breathing hard, as if I'd just run a marathon.

Even Minazuki-san wasn't immune to the tension in the air. She took a step back, her eyes wide and her posture stiff. For a brief moment, she almost looked... frightened.

And then she was back, cold and collected.

"What do you want from me?"

She was whispering.

"I don't know. I don't—I don't know... I just wanted to know why your song saved me. What you sang, why you sang it. If you meant any of it. If you felt anything at all. Because I did. I felt... everything."

I realized I was on the verge of tears, but I refused to let them fall. Not in front of her. So, I merely blinked them away and stared at her with an intensity I never knew I could emit from my eyes.

"You've embarrassed me enough already... just leave." She slightly turned away, her gaze downcast.

"...Minazuki-san, why did you change your usual singing spot? You used to sing in what I assumed to be the Old Music Room. I heard you through the windows."

"..."

"Minazuki-san."

"..."

"Serena-san."

"...!"

She looked up at me with an expression I couldn't read.

Shock? Fear? Anger?

A mixture of all three, perhaps?

"Sorry, I won't call you that. But you have to understand that I need to know. I need to understand why. Please. Just tell me something. Anything."

"You really have been stalking me, just like before," she replied with a narrowed expression.

"No! I swear, I wasn't—" I stopped, unfortunately, after realizing how it must sound to her. "Okay, I guess it does seem that way. But I wasn't following you on purpose! I just happened to hear you that first night. And then I came back, hoping to hear it again. But I never knew it was you until... well, until now."

She regarded me for a long moment, then turned to face the setting sun. The fiery light painted her profile in gold and shadow, making her look like a figure in a Renaissance painting.

"I overheard your conversation," she said finally. "In the Old Music Room. With your weird friend and the Student Council President. Regarding how the room was going to be repurposed. So I came up here instead."

My greatest nightmare.

She truly had been there, outside the door, watching as my life imploded—as I betrayed Akise, as Arisato dismantled me, as I crumbled into nothing.

"You saw..."

"Enough," she said, she said, and there was something in her voice I couldn't quite identify. Not pity, certainly. But perhaps... recognition? "Your friend deserves better."

The observation, delivered with such casual accuracy, struck me like a blow.

It was the truth.

Akise did deserve better.

Akise always deserved better.

"I know. I'm the worst," I only managed to whisper that.

"You're a terrible everything," she replied, but there was less venom in it than I expected. "But at least you know it. Most people don't."

I merely chuckled at that, the sound hollow and mirthless.

"Thank you... I think. I'm not sure how that's supposed to make me feel better, though."

"I don't care how you feel. I'm just stating facts."

"Right. Of course."

We stood in silence for a moment as wind tugged at our hair and the dying sun cast long shadows across the rooftop. In the distance, lights started to flicker on across Yokohama's skyline as stars also began to emerge in the urban firmament.

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you," Minazuki-san suddenly said.

"Come again?"

"IF you tell anyone that I sing up here, that we talked, that I supposedly 'saved' you, I'll break every bone in your body and bury you somewhere where no one will ever find you." She spoke with such calmness, such certainty, that I could almost believe her.

Well, perhaps it was best to act like I did, for the sake of self-preservation.

"I won't. I promise."

Immediately, she sighed a breath of... relief? Her posture was less tense, and she turned to face me once more.

"You do realize how screwed up this is, right? You've harassed me since the first day of school, followed me around, made my life miserable, and now I'm supposed to be your savior just because you heard me sing once? Are you insane? Or just that desperate?"

The stark truth of her words stung like salt on an open wound, but I had no choice but to accept them. She was right.

This was screwed up. I was screwed up.

"I-I didn't know you were... like this," I repeated weakly. "But you're right. I was... I was awful to you. I kept pushing when you clearly wanted to be left alone. I didn't respect your boundaries. I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' doesn't fix anything."

"I know. But I am. Sorry, I mean. And I'll stay away from you from now on. I promise."

She then studied me for a moment, analogous to how an entomologist would examine a particularly interesting insect.

"Kagami, why are you still trying to kill yourself?"

"...What?"

"You heard me. If my voice supposedly saved you before, why are you back up here now? Was it really just hearing me sing from the rooftop for the first time that made you come up... or was it something else?"