What it Takes to be Free |Day 365 After Virus Release|

Lex

“I hate that you had to be right, Fion.” Carefully, I pick up the foliage sprouting up around his monument as I readily converse for the first instance in months.

“I am surprised and in debt to your programming to make zombies head inland compared to scattering randomly. Making the intentional choice to infect as many as possible saved most everyone that was infected from the elements of sun, wind, rain, strong waters, and snow that are unbiased to all organisms. Still, many surviving humans choose to kill humans of altered states. Around the world in renewed communication, we have estimates that at least 300,000 humans couldn’t be recovered. Half from humans and half from the elements.

Seeing the world’s state, saying I saved the people from suffering is parting with reality from what is now only an unseemly promise made on an ideal. Fion, did you see a vision of the new unzombified world encapsulated by mounting food and water instability? All countries are now focusing on agriculture above all else because of supply chain and agriculture cycle disruptions. The result of leaving every large-scale human industry on its own for a year. Additionally, water treatment is being advanced worldwide because of the virus’s isolated remnants and prevailing widespread fear of living through the pandemic.

Fion from where you lay, I hope that you are receptive to this above-ground monument I built for you. I sampled sizable pieces of your lab and with the quality of materials and architecture, it is built to last for two hundred years. I chuckle. Maybe you would just call it self-indulgent. To do something for someone not here. A ploy to make me feel better about myself. Anneka would have words for you too, if she were here. After we didn’t have to fight for the world anymore, she said we did not have a reason to continue as partners. I really don't know if it is permanent. She is trying to live with my betrayal and left to go make it back to her home. Our final conversation isn’t of length, yet months do not blur my mind’s eyes from the exactness of the words.”

Her face was unworn by grief and we walked side by side in blue silence. I knew that the frozen moment could have stayed so. The state of silence you can use as an intermediate to sift through words. The words that still aren’t able to uncover what deserves to be said. The strong words that pierce the silence and leave undoubtedly more stillness. 

“Lex, my experiences and biases made me believe that you were more chosen than me, and if you are not chosen, you are weak. But nothing is true, we are all weak humans. Everyone needs saving, from anyone and of any size. For your sake, after you saved me that day in our youth, I strived to save you.

You are an idiot Lex. Words I wielded and disguised like harsh banter that was always covering what I wanted you to understand. If you ever saw through the paper-thin barrier, would you change the way you lived, clueless and defenseless to the forces of the world? I saw you die in hundreds of futures. Each sight is ice and snow layers burying each surface in my heart, most of them after the invention of the virus. All my life, I didn’t think the chosen should die as a sacrifice. But I couldn’t tell you to stop being yourself. I like that person who lives to save the people yet doesn’t spare a thought of how to save themselves.

… Sincere people would say that there is something wrong with your mindset and priorities, but I could never believe that after being saved myself. It really is a special moment, I’ll remember forever. Still, what you chose that day lacked characteristic meaning. It was contradictory and selfish, but I am too. I am going back to my home. We will see each other soon.”

A jolt of nerves in an outburst spread in a circle from the contact point of two of my side ribs. In an emergency, I turn around, forming a punch propelled with momentum that meets opposite resistance at an optimal point. No. A fist covers mine and holds it tight. Without time to react my center of balance is taken over with contact and strength. I feel a set of legs drive themselves around my own at the ankles and combined with my arm being controlled; my entire lower body feels like it is an untenable free fall.

“Oops looks like you are losing your balance on your right there. You might say your ankles are being broken.”

I tense up my right leg, but any small push from their hand could still knock me over.

“And now you might want to check on your left. You really do not need to put on such a show when no one is watching.”

I look down to the left and I impulsively use my free hand to take hold of my leg. I feel my body loosen. Great! Then, explosively, my left foot and ankle are forcibly manipulated behind the right ankle and held there.

“Ohh you don’t want to do that or-”

“Anneka!” THUMP. Panting and smooshed onto the grass back down, all I see is the vibrant sky. Then I see a familiar scarred face looking down.

“-You will completely fall over. Your fighting and reactions have gotten better. Nice, you went from zero to one.”

“When did you get here?”

“Some time after you. Do you ever get bored of talking to yourself? Cause I get bored of listening and waiting.”

“Are you sure? You let it continue.”

“Whatever, I came to see Fion, not you.”

“Ok, then, go ahead?” She takes two minutes where she stands silently over the monument, speaking in her head. Afterward, she sits next to my sprawled-down body.

“Do you want to talk about what you’ve been doing or should I go first?”

“Go ahead, I’m listening. This grass could stain, but I’ll lay down next to you anyway.”

Head to head, we end up facing opposite sides of the mound of Fion’s front yard with the wind blowing the heads of grass around.

“Since you’ve left we’ve received recognition for our virus, but now I have to tend to the entire world as the primary creator. I don’t care for the pressure and immense responsibility. For months, there was a summit to decide on international virus treaties to prevent another human-made pandemic. From morning to nightfall it is tiring to ethically debate everyone on what science or technology to outlaw and keep in effect. It feels like the world expects perfect behavior and judgment out of me. I really feel compelled to step up and display my best self with no weakness. They call me a genius when Fion was smarter and you have proven to make better decisions. The truth is that I am weighed by decisions I make on the scales that go both ways. Everything I ban in law could be used for tremendous good and everything I leave available may cause future suffering. It scares me how a reputation as a heroic creator is almost an excuse to listen to my words and revere me.

I suppose I would say that I feel tired. There are more people than before, but I am isolated like never in my life. I figure that is why I was talking for so long, Anneka. I have been called to genetically engineer new crops, create new water systems, everything really. Since the influence of each government is weaker, they decided to brandish me as a symbol of order and the future. How am I meant to be my true self when I have this duty? I hear people smarter than me every day talk about what it is I have to do to prevent human suffering.”

“Is that everything this past year?”

“Yeah.”

“That is so hard to know. I didn’t know that you had to deal with all of the aftermath. You still have the responsiblity to go back to?”

“This is the one day I have off.”

“I’ll come back to your aid. I feel useless hearing about this instead of doing something. You can be whoever you want to be with me. Don't fret about how you seem.”

“Thanks. Hey. Tell me about your time after?”

“I traveled, went back home, and found my mother. I read the ending of my favorite novel and talked to the people I knew and came to know. Nothing more.”

“Sounds comforting and peaceful.”

“In my time alone, I pieced together in my sights of travel through towns, people, and zombies that you are right. Saving a person is correct as opposed to saving the world. Following the correct mean before any end is one way to be at peace.”

“I figure the opposite now after talking with so many leaders, scientists, and politicians. It is comical and distressing. ... I wonder if this world needs people who can think in both ways. 

I really don’t have much time, Anneka, so I am going back to the monument a final time. Coming?” I get up and I hold my hands together and sit down on my knees in front of stones. I hear the pouring of water in a cup and the close placement on the ledge. “I hope that you are free friend, with family or those who care. Being by yourself isn’t free at all.”

Concurrently, Anneka and I both mouth.

“I am sorry. I am filled with unanswered regrets.”

The rhythm and sound overlap.