The Second Step Is Even Harder

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CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of discrimination and trauma.
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The tranquility of morning brushed the apartment bedroom. The muted sounds of life were stirring now, drifting through the enclosed space.

Miyami opened her eyes.

Sleep still clung to her like a fog. Consciousness was faded by it, but it was grounded amidst the softness of her bed and sheets.

Her hand was warm too.

'Why?'

Curious, her head shifted. A sleeping face met her gaze, and her breath caught, the memories of the day before flooding back.

Oh. That's right.

She'd had an attack.

The faintest of birdsong echoed from outside, as her vision drifted over her partner. Hinoka was holding her hand firmly, laid next to her in bed, her face so serene that it was hard to believe she was real. Her amber eyes hid behind closed lids, and the rhythmic rise and fall of her body was comforting to watch, like a metronome for life.

Miyami let out some air and turned to look at the ceiling, her fingers lingering against her girlfriend's warmth. She didn't know what to think, much less say after yesterday.

It'd been so long since she'd experienced an episode like that. The last time had been months ago, when she was all alone. But now, here she was, recovering from its suffocating grasp while partaking in a much more loving and intimate one.

A small voice in her head told her that she should be scared, and to a degree she was. After all, she'd just broken down in front of the person closest to her, and the whole event had probably raised a ton of questions, not the least of which was the reason behind why Miyami was so hesitant to talk.

She'd repressed it for too long, ignored it in the hope it would fade from existence. But it was obvious that wasn't going to work anymore.

If she wanted to keep living like this, she'd have to face it eventually. She couldn't keep pushing forward blindly and hoping that things would turn out alright.

Hinoka needed to know.

Miyami brushed her free hand over her plush hedgehog and took in a shaky breath, feeling the air flow in and out of her lungs. She was fine. She'd be fine. She could do it.

They'd glazed over things so far—back at the cafe, giving hints over messages, and even yesterday before the panic had overtaken her—but now, she had to say it aloud.

With a voice that was and wasn't hers.

Obviously, Hinoka already knew of her struggles with her voice, but Miyami had only offered the most surface level explanations so far. They'd been so caught up with life, the stalker situation, their relationship, and everything else that she'd been more than happy to continue skimming over the pain like a skater over a rink.

And of course, she'd fallen in once the ice had gotten too thin.

Hmph, what kind of penguin was she?

Her sight went to the ceiling by instinct, perhaps trying to distract herself again. However, the world had a different idea.

"You're awake," Hinoka's tired voice broke the silence. "Are you okay?"

Miyami blinked, her gaze shifting back to her waking girlfriend.

"…" She thought about the answer, about how she felt.

Tired. Scared. Relieved. Those were words she could use, but they were only shallow. They were words that could describe her as a whole. What was underneath?

'How do I feel?'

Her emotions and thoughts churned in her mindscape over the abated sea of static, and something caged above it rattled its locks. Metal creaked and groaned against the pressure, and she knew that the fatigued bars were about to burst.

But this time, she was ready to let it out, even for just a bit in the safety of her girlfriend's presence.

Another deep breath. Her hand reached out for the door, carefully undoing the safeguards as they dangled over the whirlpool below.

Then, she opened it.

"…Honestly?"

Amber eyes widened at the deep tone of the statement, but Miyami continued, her stomach twisting as her voice broke free from its confines.

She pulled Hinoka close.

"I'm not so sure."

***

The scent of cherry and citrus intertwined with steam as the tea clinked against the tabletop. Miyami and Hinoka were sitting across from each other in the living room, their eyes meeting in silence. The taller girl's fingers lingered against the cup, feeling the heat seep into her skin.

It felt warm, just like Hinoka.

She was still worried, of course. How couldn't she be? But the longer she watched her partner—the way her hair framed her face, and the subtle shifts of her amber eyes—Miyami couldn't help but think that she didn't need to.

"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," Hinoka said, breaking the silence. "I'm just glad that you're okay. When the paramedics came, I was really scared, and I thought you might've had a heart attack or something."

She smiled reassuringly, and Miyami's chest tightened at the sight. This heartfelt woman was somehow her girlfriend?

She didn't deserve her.

"I'm sorry," the dark-haired girl mumbled, looking away in shame. "I didn't mean to cause you any distress."

"I-It's fine. I'm just happy you're okay," Hinoka replied with a wave of her hand, poorly hiding the effects Miyami's current speaking voice had on her.

The taller woman's chest fluttered at the sight. Ah, that was a little cute.

She was tempted to tease her further, to make a joke and brush it off, like she usually did. Give into the whimsy that'd been so long denied to her and live in a world of chibis, where worries were forgotten.

But there would be a time for that later. She'd already indulged enough, and if she wanted to move forward, she had to take more than just the first step.

Miyami took in a calming breath, letting the aroma of cherry and citrus fill her nose. She hoped that Hinoka enjoyed it as much as she did.

"It all started when I was younger…"

Reality faded away around them as the dark-haired woman closed her eyes. Paper and doodles manifested instead, illustrating the words that poured out.

"When I was growing up, my dad wasn't a good father," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "He was strict and controlling, always telling me what to do and how to act. At first I thought he was just looking out for my best interests, but as time went on, I started to realize that he was actually trying to control my life."

"He was obsessed with appearances and status. My mother's actions helped soothe him a little, but after her death, there wasn't anything left to stop him. Especially once I started questioning myself."

Her grip on the cup tightened, and she could feel her hands start to tremble like her words.

"I tried opening up to him about my doubts. After that, he didn't let me choose what clothes I could wear out of school or what hobbies I had. He told me that if I wanted to be a 'good man,' then I needed to stop thinking about such nonsense and focus on what was important. My thoughts were only for failures—for those who didn't even know how to live."

She let out a bitter and very ungirly chuckle. "I still remember what he'd always say whenever he saw a person like me on the streets. He'd point at them and say: 'That's what a failure looks like, don't become like that.' I would nod and try not to think about how much it hurt inside."

A familiar sting grew at the edge of her eyes, but she suppressed it and kept talking.

"As I got older, things got worse. But eventually, I grew enough of a backbone to move out and transition in secret. After landing a job, I started hormone therapy and even managed to find an apartment that was a decent walk away."

Miyami paused, taking a sip of her tea and bracing herself for what was to come.

"Unfortunately, the company I worked for wasn't a very good place. I never told anyone, but they treated me poorly, and I was constantly being harassed by the other workers there. They'd make comments about my appearance, my voice, and my body. It got so bad that I had to hide in the bathroom just to cry sometimes."

Her free hand immediately sought out Hinoka's, needing something to squeeze. She squeezed back.

"While I became myself, I was trapped. So I looked for an escape. Nothing worked, and while the changes got more noticeable, they didn't get better, until one day…"

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"My father found me. He made a surprise visit, and he witnessed me ordering an iced coffee. Nothing big. However, he heard me using my voice. The voice I'd worked hard to create."

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Wetness stained the mental parchment.

"I'll never forget the look on his face when he heard my voice. He looked disgusted. Like I had betrayed him somehow. He dragged me to an empty bathroom, started yelling at me, crying at the freak I'd become."

Slurs, insults, and truths scrawled out on the mentalscape, written in red ink.

"I'd never seen him so angry. It was terrifying."

The words dripped, and the static began to rise again, threatening to swallow her. The dirtiness of the bathroom floor, the brine of her eyes, the ringing of her ears…

"I couldn't speak, and I couldn't move, so I just lay there. He kept shouting at me, even when I couldn't hear what he was saying anymore. Then, when he was done, he kicked me. Left without another word."

She could almost smell it, taste it, feel it.

"The next few weeks were a blur. I don't really remember much of anything. Just that I spent most of it lying in my room, trying to recover from the shock. I didn't speak at all during that time, not even at work. Of course that got me in trouble, so I hired a service to quit for me and hoped they wouldn't track me down."

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"That's where my new life began."

She opened her eyes, her vision blurry as tears immediately flowed down her cheeks. Hinoka was staring at her, wide-eyed and speechless as her own tears fell. She didn't make a move, simply letting the taller woman's hand continue to hold hers in a death grip.

"…When I was on the linoleum that first day, I thought it was over. That I'd have to return to that life, and I'd be forced to go through it all again. That the happiness I felt, the freedom, and everything that came with it was too good to be true."

Miyami smiled at Hinoka, barely able to make out the woman's outline in the blurry haze.

"So thank you for picking me back up off the ground."