People can never really understand each other

The walk between my home and school was one of the very few times in the day where I was able to be well and truly alone. Even the solitude of my place in the classroom came with an unfortunate degree of background noise and the constant knowledge that others may be observing and judging me. But these quiet and mostly empty streets had no such issues. That’s why I left so early most mornings: the emptier the streets, the more peaceful the walk.

Which is why it threw me off so much to see a familiar pink head waiting timidly a couple minutes down the road.

“Pep? You’re never up this early.” I said as I got close. Despite the fact that she was seemingly waiting for me, she Pep jumped at my voice as if she wasn’t expecting me.

“Kabucchi… I… wanted to talk to you in private, and I knew we’d probably get interrupted in the classroom, so…”

She trailed off, not even attempting to finish her sentence as she looked down at the ground. It was almost impressive how easily she created an uncomfortable atmosphere. Years as a loner and I had still yet to master that trick so effortlessly.

Still, I wasn’t gonna stand there and unproductively wallow in the silence.

“Come on,” I said, walking past her, “if you don’t start walking now you’ll fall behind.”

She seemed to pause for a second, then a few moments later I heard some quick footsteps and she joined me at my side, her expression lifted a tad.

My casual invitation seemed to lift some of the stress she was carrying, since she wasn’t walking in the same stilted and uncomfortable way she was the day before. Still, for someone who professed a want to talk in private, she wasn’t doing a lot of talking. You were the one who wanted this, dammit, why are you letting it fall to me again?

“...Sai and I don’t see you as some sort of burden, y’know…” I said, trying to get to the heart of the problem quickly. I couldn’t stand beating around the bush. “I know I act a little… overprotective sometimes, but it’s not like I think you’re fragile or something. I just…”

I wasn’t sure I could finish the sentence. I’m not sure why the phrase “I just care about you” was so difficult to get out, but for whatever reason, I was struggling to say it.

Not that it mattered much. It probably wasn’t the right thing to say anyway.

“...I rewatched that video over and over again. The one of you and Sai-chan, I mean,” Pep said, somewhat melancholically. “I must have listened more than ten times. I typed the whole thing up, can you believe that? But no matter how many times I went over it… I just didn’t understand it. I couldn’t keep up. It just didn’t make any sense to me, and yet you two understood each other effortlessly.”

“Well, that’s to be expected, right? You don’t know much che-”

“But it’s not really about chess, is it?” She stepped out in front of me with a knowing smile, hands behind her back as if she was hiding them. “I may be slow, but I could at least tell that much. Maybe the words you were saying were about chess, but the meaning was something completely different, right? Maybe you were talking about life, or love, or the world, or something else along those lines. But whatever it was, I just couldn’t figure it out. Yet, there you two were, never missing a beat, like you had a rhythm. You understand each other without a second thought, but I can’t figure it out even when it’s written down in front of me. Surely someone like me… I’m just holding you both back, aren’t I?”

I couldn’t meet her eye, nor could I respond right away. She was both right and wrong in ways I could never put into words. All of those frameworks she brought up, I suppose it could be said that our discussion was about all of them at once, or none of them at all, or a bunch of other frameworks she had yet to mention. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was about, and I doubted Sai could either.

And yet, it made perfect sense to the both of us. And probably none at all to anyone else. In that sense, I couldn’t exactly say Pep was wrong. We had left her, and everyone else, behind, so to speak.

But I couldn’t disagree more with her conclusion.

“You’re looking at this the wrong way,” I said, continuing ahead and beckoning for her to join me. “People can never really understand each other completely, can they? No matter how well you think you know someone, there’s always some depth to them you’re not privy to. To think otherwise is hubris.”

“But… you and Sai have known each other for so little time, but you already know each other better than me…”

“Do we? Don’t get me wrong, there’s things about Sai and I that only she and I really understand about each other. But that goes for you and I too, and probably for you and Sai as well. Do you think there’s anyone else on the planet that’s as familiar with your body and facial language as me, and vice versa?”

“But that’s different, that’s just because we use sign language.”

“Does the mechanism matter? Don’t forget, we learned sign language together. Of course along the way we’ve learned things about each other,” I said, moving just half a step closer. “I won’t deny that Sai and I seem to have a sort of intrinsic understanding that you and I lack, probably because we have so much in common. But you and I had to work to reach the level of understanding we have now. Does that make it any less valuable? I wouldn’t say so. Sounds like a disservice to all the time we’ve spent together, doesn’t it?”

“But… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand you and Sai the way you understand each other…”

“And Sai will likely never be able to understand either of us the way we do. All relationships are limited in some way. Lamenting those limits is a waste of time. You just need to learn your way around them.” I slowed to a stop and put my arm on her shoulder, turning her towards me. “So if you’re worried about something like this again in the future, tell me about it. You know I suck at figuring out people’s feelings, I can’t navigate stuff like this without you letting me in. Stop forcing yourself to suffer in silence, would you?”

Pep looked down, and I saw a red tinge flush her cheeks. She hid her expression from me, but I thought I saw the corners of a smile flicker for a moment.

“Okay… I’ll try…” she said, slowly. “But then… how did you know what the problem was this time?”

“Had a bit of an assist from Yaki. Kid’s a real genius with this sort of thing, I swear.”

“Hehe. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you two are siblings.”

“She must get the emotional intelligence from her dad’s side.”

We shared a chuckle, and some of the weight on my chest felt lifted. The heavy atmosphere that had been drowning me every time she and I spoke as of late finally felt somewhat alleviated. I couldn’t say the problem was entirely solved. There would have to be some learning done by both of us. But at the very least, it felt like I had my best friend back.

“So… as part of this new policy of communicating better… how do you really feel about appearing on stream?” She asked, as the two of us continued walking. “Be honest with me, you really don’t like the idea, do you?”

“Of course not, it goes against everything I’ve ever said about performativity and social media. But if the alternatives are making you give up on something you enjoy or forcing you to face the assholes of the internet alone, it’s a decision I’m more than willing to make.”

“So you’re still gonna go through with it?”

“Yeah, I’m not backing out now. For better or worse, we’re in it together, ain’t we?”

“You should be careful with lines like that. A lesser woman would get the wrong idea.”

“Can there be a lesser woman than you?”

“Heh. I guess not.”