The End

A few weeks had passed since I fell in love.

That day, I hurried to the library, clutching two tickets to the book exhibition in the next town over. Asami had procured them for me, saying that we’d grow even closer if we go together to that exhibition. I was never so grateful I had a wonderful friend like her.

When I opened the library door, Kazuki was already inside.

“Oh! Hi, Mika-san!” He greeted me as always.

“G-Good afternoon…”

I dipped my head and tucked the tickets into my pocket. The courage I thought I’d gathered promptly vanished when I saw Kazuki’s sunny smile. We both did the preparation before sitting down behind the counter.

“U-Um…” I called out to him, but hesitated. What if Kazuki thought it was an annoyance? What if he already had plans with someone else that day? What if—

“What’s wrong, Mika-san? You seem more nervous than usual.” Kazuki remarked.

“Are you saying…I’m usually nervous?”

I looked at him in surprise, earning myself an equally surprised look.

“Aren’t you?”

“Ugh…” I couldn’t deny that I was still nervous every time I talked to Kazuki, even though we always had such animated conversation. “A-Anyway, about the next weekend…do you have plans?”

“Next weekend?” Kazuki tilted his head. “Let me think…I don’t think so? Why?”

“I-I…” My hand went into my pocket, grasping those tickets. “I have some tickets to a book exhibition for the next weekend. If you’d like…do you…w-want to go together?”

I took out those tickets and thrusted it to him. I kept my gaze down, too afraid to look at his face.

“Oh, wow! A book exhibition? That sounds really interesting!”

I quickly lifted my face when I heard him. His eyes were sparkling with joy, and I felt relief flooding my chest.

“At what time does it start? Should we go—”

“Kazu!!”

All of a sudden, we were interrupted by someone. We both turned toward the library door, where a tall girl strode inside toward us. She easily towered over me, who was quite petite for a girl, and even taller than Kazuki, even though he was a boy. She was wearing the tracksuit, denoting her as part of track and field club. I didn’t recognize her, but Kazuki immediately leapt to his feet and approached her.

“Chinatsu? What’s wrong?” He asked in concerned tone.

“Kazu, listen to this! The club advisor just announced the members for track meet next weekend! And I made it! I’m going to participate as the only first year!” Chinatsu bounced in place, smiling widely from ear to ear.

“Wow! That’s amazing, Natsu! I knew you can do it!” Kazuki offered his fist.

The two of them fist-bumped, so naturally that I knew they did it a lot.

“You’re going to come and cheer on me, right?!” Chinatsu continued, and my breath stopped.

“Oh! Uh…” Kazuki glanced awkwardly at me.

I’d invited him to the book exhibition next weekend, while Chinatsu also had her track meet on the same day. There was no way for Kazuki to be at both events at the same time. He’d inevitably have to choose one.

And deep down, I already knew who he’d choose.

With an apologetic wink to me, Kazuki turned back to Chinatsu.

“Sure, of course I’ll be there! You’ve been dreaming of this moment since forever, right? As your childhood friend, I’ll definitely be there, cheering for you! You can bet on it!” Kazuki thumped on his chest.

“Yes! I know you’ll say that! Thank you very much, Kazu!” Chinatsu hugged him briefly, then immediately stormed off, saying that she had to get back to her practice right away.

Once Chinatsu left, an awkward silence filled the space between us. I crumpled the tickets in my hand and shoved them into my pocket, then took my book and pretended to be reading. Kazuki silently took his seat next to me. I could feel him glancing at me from time to time, but I stubbornly kept my eyes fixated on my book, even though I never turned the page. If not, I was afraid I’d burst into tears right then and there.

It was at the end of our shift that Kazuki finally spoke to me.

“Hey, Mika-san…um…”

He faltered, scratching his cheek.

“…I’m sorry.”

Kazuki bowed to me.

“I’ve promised to go to the book exhibition with you, but…as you can see, Natsu is my precious childhood friend, and she’s always dreamed of becoming an athlete. So…I have to be there to cheer for her. I’m sorry, I know it’s selfish of me. But—”

“It’s fine.” I interrupted him. “It’s fine, Kazuki-kun. I understand.”

With all of my might, I put a brave smile on my face.

“I hope Chinatsu-san does well on her track meet. Well then, goodbye.”

I turned my back on him and left, fighting desperately to hold my tears back.

Deep down, I knew.

I knew that he wouldn’t look my way.

I knew that he had someone else in his heart.

I knew that this love was doomed to fail.

And yet…

I didn’t want to wake up from this dream.

Not yet.

Please let me dream for a little longer.

Was this what it meant to be in love?

*****

The next weekend came and went.

I never touched the tickets that Asami gave me and stayed home all weekend.

My shift together with Kazuki had reverted back to where we started, with both of us reading our book and not speaking to each other.

It felt like these past few weeks were just a dream.

“Mika. Are you okay?”

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at Asami, who had this concerned look on her face.

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.” I smiled faintly, but Asami frowned instead.

“Yeah, right. Do you think you can fool me with that smile? How long do you think I’ve known you, huh? Aren’t we childhood friend?”

Unable to hold myself back, I plopped my head on the desk of the fastfood restaurant, sighing deeply. I never knew I could hate a specific word with such intensity, at least until today.

“Mika, seriously, what happened? You know you can always talk to me.” Asami coaxed.

I fell silent, wavering whether to tell her or not. I didn’t want her to look at me with pitying eyes now that my love was doomed to fail. But on the other hand…

“Asami…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I’m cut out for love.”

“Ah.” Asami nodded, as if she understood everything just from that sentence. “Did he do something to you?”

I looked up, my eyes brimming with tears. “I…lost to his childhood friend.”

As if a dam was broken, I told everything that happened to Asami between my sobs and runny nose. In the end, once I got all of it out of my system, I felt oddly refreshed, like I’d just shed a burden I’d unwittingly brought everywhere.

“And then?” Asami asked.

“Huh?”

“What do you want to do next? Are you going to quit the library committee?”

I fell silent. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about what happened next. I was too busy wallowing in my sadness that I didn’t have the capacity to think about the future.

“I think…I’ll do that. If I leave the library committee, we’ll no longer have anything to do with each other.” Even as I spoke, I felt a pang of pain in my chest.

We had different friends. Different classroom. Different way home. The only thing that brought us together was books. So if I severed that connection with my own hands, we’d return to being strangers.

“Won’t you regret it? Leaving without ever telling him how you feel, I mean.” Asami asked.

I wore a bitter smile. “Doesn’t he already know, with how I acted after that? How else is he going to interpret my silent treatment?”

Asami shook her head. “Mika, since you’re a newbie at romance, let me give you an important advice. Boys don’t think like girls. They are way more logical, and they are way more dense. If you don’t say it directly, he won’t get it. Trust me.”

“Is…that how it works?” I stared dubiously at her.

“Trust me, that’s how it works.” Asami insisted. “So will you leave without ever telling him the truth? Or will you take a chance and confess to him?”

“Confess…huh?” I reflected on my initial reaction at Asami’s suggestion when I first fell in love.

It felt like the whole world was open with possibilities, but I was just too timid to reach out and grab the opportunity. But now that I knew the truth, I realized that, no matter what I did, this love would never bloom. Then, at the very least…

*****

“Kazuki-kun.”

“Y-Yes?!”

I suddenly spoke up while we were preparing for our shift together, causing Kazuki to jump out in surprise.

“Oh…sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you…”

“No, no! It’s my own fault for being surprised…”

Both of us looked away awkwardly.

“Um, are you free after school today? I mean, once we’re finished with our shift?” I asked.

“Oh, yes!” Kazuki’s face immediately lit up. “I’ve been wanting to make it up for you. You’ve gone out of your way to invite me, yet I broke my promise. Where do you want to go?”

I smiled bitterly. Just as Asami said, Kazuki didn’t get it at all. He simply thought I was sulking that he broke his promise right after he made it.

“The rooftop…can we go there?”

“Huh?”

As dense as Kazuki could be, he couldn’t possibly miss what I was implying, right?

*****

Once our shift was over, we walked together to the school’s rooftop. In most school, they banned students from going there due to safety risks, but at our school, it was the number one spot for love confession. It was so popular that the school risked students rioting if they banned access to it, so instead, the teachers installed a tall and secure wire fence all around the ledge, keeping students away from the edge of the rooftop.

As we walked side by side, I stole a glance at Kazuki’s side profile. He was slightly taller than me, with a lanky build that showed he was an indoor type. His black hair, slightly tousled, gave me the urge to pat it down neatly. His face normally looked stoic, but once he smiled, his whole expression brightened up and creating a whole different look.

With each step that we took, I burned the sight of him into my mind, because once today was over, I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. I didn’t even want to blink, for I didn’t want to miss even a single moment with him.

“I love you.”

I tried mouthing those 3 words I wanted to say the most to him, but my throat clogged up. Would I be able to say it properly when the time came?

By the time we reached the rooftop, the sky had turned a beautiful hue of red as the sun slowly sank beneath the horizon. We both stood before the wire fence, watching the sunset in silence.

“Um, Kazuki-kun…”

“Sorry, Mika-san! Before that, can I say something first?”

Unexpectedly, Kazuki interrupted me.

I turned toward him, who wore a determined expression, and nodded.

“I…I think I know why you asked me to come here. But before you say anything, please listen to me.”

Kazuki took a deep breath.

“I already have someone in my heart. It’s been that way since we were children, and I cannot imagine someone else taking that spot. Even so…I like being friends with you, Mika-san. Chatting with you about books is always fun, and we like the same genre, something that I’d never found in someone else. I…I know this sounds selfish, but…I don’t want to lose my friend. Please, can we…can we pretend today never happen? I’m begging you.”

Kazuki bowed deeply at me, with raw anguish in his voice.

I stared wordlessly at him. It was certainly selfish, the way he shut down my confession before I even started, just because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. However, a part of me also wished the same. If I closed my eyes, shut away my feelings, and pretended none of this ever happened, I could still stay by his side. We could spend our time together in the library, in our little, perfect world, talking about things that no one else could understand.

Even so…

“Kazuki-kun, I love you.”

Those words came out easier than I thought.

“Will you go out with me?”

Kazuki looked up, despair colored his expression. In response, I smiled faintly.

Even if such a path existed, I refused to take it.

It was true that through Kazuki, I learned what it meant to be in love. I was glad that I got to experience both the pain and the love. Those days I spent by his side was unforgettable, a memory that I would keep for the rest of my life.

But I treasured myself more than that.

If the end of this love had been predetermined from the start, then I would walk until the very end. And after that, I would continue to move forward, because life didn’t stop just because my love ended.

As someone had said, first love was never meant to be.

“Mika-san…so that’s your answer.”

Kazuki sighed and straightened his back. Then, once again, he bowed to me.

“I’m sorry, Mika-san. I already have someone else in my heart.”

“Is that so…thank you for your kindness, Kazuki-kun. Today is my last day as library committee member, as I’ve decided to quit. Once again…thank you very much for everything. Goodbye, Amamiya-kun.”

I turned my back to him and walked away, letting tears stream down my cheek. Just for today…please let me cry my heart out.

After all, that was what it meant to be in love.