And I... Answer

I had a lot of history with that particular flower park, but first, a little background.

My family was always small. My father had walked out on us before I was born, so it was just my mother, my grandmother, and I living together under the same roof at Baa-chan’s house. It wasn’t big, but it was enough for all of us and we had each other when things got rough.

Until we didn’t.

It was a cold April night about ten years ago when my mother went out to get groceries on her bicycle, but she never returned home. Traffic accident, hit and run. I felt only numbness, the devastation wouldn’t hit until I was a little older at around eleven years old when I truly realized I would never see her again.

I became much like I am now, depressed and quick to anger, even to Baa-chan who had to care for me by herself in my mother’s absence. That spring she took me to Hitachi Seaside Park to see the flowers and she broke down crying for perhaps the first time in her whole life when she saw my mom’s favorite blue flower in bloom, the Nemophila.

My grandmother was strong in so many ways, but she had also lost a child, and watching after me while running her bake shop was no easy task for an older woman. I wished in my heart of hearts that I had been a better granddaughter back then, somehow, and I carried that regret all the way up until she passed…

…and beyond, to today.

. . . . .

“You’re awfully quiet, Suki-chan…”

“Huh? Mm.”

I stared out at a seemingly endless array of colorful flowers, walking as the wind gently nestled my hair. I had never intended on returning here for as long as I lived in Hitachinaka, but the voice was insistent as usual. More than that, however, I felt like I could find something here. Though I quite didn’t know what…

A particularly strong gust picked up and knocked my baseball cap off, letting my long black hair take to the wind. I sighed as I bent down to pick it up.

“You say I’m being quiet, but I haven’t heard your usual chirping through the phone either.” I noted. “Was there a reason you brought me back to this place after all these years? I think I’ve just about had my fill of flowers already.”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, there was.” The voice calmly replied. “Frankly, a full belly or a new job is a nice salve in the short term, but it’s never going to give you the kind of push you need to turn your life around. You’ll be in college next year, and you have a bright future ahead of you, Suki-chan. Career prospects, a family of your own, even. This whole day has been my attempt to make you see that potential.”

The future…

“But how can you know that for sure? About my future?” I asked, still bent down. A flower that had been trampled on caught my gaze, its petals crushed under the foot of someone who had thoughtlessly stepped from the path.

“I just do.”

“But I don’t have anybody left… All my family is gone, I was a hindrance all the way up until the end for Baa-chan, and there’s no one I’d consider to be more than an acquaintance now. And yet the world continues to turn… It’s all pretty wearisome.”

“That’s just the way that things are.” The voice nearly whispered. “But you know what? Those of us who continue to spin right along with the world do so to honor the ones who’ve made sacrifices so that we could.”

“…..”

“You may have felt like a burden to Baa-chan, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.” The voice continued. “Anyone who met her could tell that you were her pride and joy, and I know she wouldn’t blame you for feeling the way that you do now, but should you really feel that way forever?”

Forever is a long time.

“Do I deserve to feel any way else?”

“Of course, you do.” I received the reply as soon as the question left my mouth. “But unless you begin to let go now, you may never take that first step.”

I would love that more than anything. To let all my worries and insecurities go and find happiness again, but I still had my fair share of doubts. Like a car that was stuck in neutral, I was stuck rolling in whichever direction I was pushed. Could I successfully switch to ‘drive’ and begin to move forward after all this time?

“Believe me, I know someone who didn’t, and she’s regretted it every day of her life since.”

“Was that someone… you, by chance?”

“Well, yes… Actually, you could say it was—“

Another powerful, almost unnatural, squall completely yanked the white cap out of my hand and it flew high into the air. Without thinking, I gave chase as it twirled high above me, wondering when it might deign to return to the ground.

I passed by sunflowers and tulips, following my hat as it led me over a series of paths and hills. When the wind finally died down, my cap was returned to me, but my focus had been drawn to something else entirely. Something spectacular and enrapturing.

Blue.

In every corner of my vision was a canvas of baby blue eyes, or Nemophila, my mother’s favorite flower. I knew the park was famous for them, but I hadn’t seen them since arriving. The sun was finally beginning to set on the day, casting orange and pink against the clouds in the sky overlooking the field.

All of a sudden, I felt something welling up from inside me.

“Suki-chan? Are you…?”

“…..”

And I wept.

My emotional blockage was cleared in a flood of tears, like a dam had suddenly burst. Every moment of self-doubt, sadness, and devastation came barreling out of me in streams that fell harmlessly to the dirt. It was refreshingly bizarre, and bizarrely refreshing all at the same time.

I thought of my mother and my childhood, and all the love in our small house growing up when I was younger. I thought of my grandmother, trying her best in the years after that. It took me a long time to realize, but the love never went away. Nor did my hope for the future, of taking over her shop someday.

My family, the two women I respected most in the world, wouldn’t want things to continue this way. And I knew that I shouldn’t remain in neutral for even a moment longer.

“I found it.”

“Found what?”

“I dunno.” I broke into laughter. “But… I sure do feel better after all that. I feel as though I can finally take on the world without looking down at the ground.”

“Hmm, hmm! That’s what I like to hear, Suki-chan!” The voice beamed. “And with that, I can safely say that my work here is done. You’ve been a fine sport, early complaints aside.”

“I do wonder about that. And thank you, by the way...” I smiled. “Without your guidance, I’m sure I wouldn’t have come to realize any of this, not ever.”

“I wouldn’t say ever, perhaps just much later than we should have. We’re smarter than we let on, you and I.”

“We?”

“Oh, I guess now’s as good a time as any to tell you my name, since you asked earlier. And I suppose you've earned that much out of me.” The voice said. “It’s…”

“…”

Suki.