I Woke Up In a Garden

Not gone, I noticed, as I cautiously adjusted to the dream that didn't feel like a dream.

I'd drowned in entertainment too long not to know what was happening.
But the fact that it was happening... it hadn't reached me yet.
The shift had been so sudden. But I noticed, adjusted to even, immediately the voices of the birds.
Up-close. Real.
How long it'd been, since I'd heard songs like these without an aid...?

I smelled... earth.
Just that. The scents of foliage and soft wind, the scents of an actual landscape. Not one flattened out in front of me. I was a character in the painting, in the scene, in the world.
I...
I breathed, and my lungs filled.

My body was shaking, and it'd taken me a moment to realise it.
No, usually I wouldn't even notice this. It was all new. But all something I should remember, I should understand.
So why was I...?

"I'm sorry." I said, aloud, my voice ringing like a bell. "I..."
"No," The voice replied.

I'd made her get up. I felt guilty, because she felt guilty, gliding over to me as though she didn't even need to move to reach me.
She'd looked so picturesque, lounging on a gentle grassy slope beneath a tree limb with a tome, sunlight blending with the silk in her dress and in her skin, in her hair, in her gaze.
I'd made her move from that position, and I...
But I couldn't stop the tears, or the shaking. If anything, it was getting worse.

"Shh."

She was my mother, when she held me in that moment.
My mother who always loved me, and always would, and never did me any wrong.
She...
How I cursed that this would be the first thing I heard so clearly, in so long, the sound of these noises coming out of me.

I couldn't even count the time it took for the noises, the tears, the storm running through my body to finally begin to calm.

- - -

"It's alright, Miro."
Her voice wasn't so much a voice as it was an instrument, even though she was gently holding back on the musicality it made.
It was clear she knew everything; more than she could ever let on. She knew not to play for me right now, only gently tug at the strings, to convey her calm to me.
Like an oasis, she wrapped around me.
It was still too much, but now this was the only place I could never imagine moving from.

"You mustn't get accustomed to me, Miro." The Goddess whispered, delivering the cruel truth so gently. "I must send you onwards, soon."
"Okay." I breathed, breathing a full lungful like I had forgotten was even possible, and let her glide away.
Suddenly unbidden, suddenly free, my gaze chased after her anyways. 
"Do we have time to talk?"

"Of course." The Goddess smiled, so sadly. "It's the least I can do. I ought explain things to you."
"I died, didn't I?" I asked.
"That's right."
I hadn't been eating right for weeks, anyway. I wasn't sure how it'd happened, but after a certain point part of me wondered if it was possible for the human spirit to simply... give up, and slip away.
"Are you alright?"
I nodded. "I never really thought about how I'd respond in this situation. I..."
I felt my lip tremble again. Guess I was still weepy.
"I'm glad it's over."
The Goddess nodded solemnly. "I understand..."
But it was her, not me, who began to weep this time.

"...Please don't cry."
I hated how cold I felt. After all the love of hers I'd felt flowing into me, now it was mine to give back. But I couldn't bring myself to reach out.
"I'm sorry." The Goddess said. "I'm sorry, Miro. If I could've done something..."
"Why?" I wondered quietly. "I lived. I... died. It was all up to me."
She was herself, now. This was her, the Goddess who knew all things, and yet had to watch it all transpire. All she could do was weep.
"But, the life you lived..."

Even without the book in her arm, you could've guessed it by looking at me.
How pathetic. How pathetic I was, and how I'd always been.
How pathetic a life I'd lived. Not working, or even indulging myself in wanton desires.
Just... shrinking. Hiding. Rotting away from the world, eking by on things with no substance, no direction...
And no one to miss me, now I that was gone.

- - -

I didn't know what the other conversations she had with people were like, but the Goddess wept for a long time.
I wept with her too, for a while. To my surprise, I collected myself before she did, and was left to explore this little world she'd welcomed me into.
Lost one. I smiled, with some effort. 

The world here consisted of a garden, filled with fruits that were unanimously ripe and on the verge of exploding with colour and juice, trees that swayed like they were dancing, and birds that were showing the trees the moves, and singing all the while.
This wasn't just peace. It was paradise, and I noticed it was about the size of my tightly-packed urban apartment.
Just enough for the Goddess, and no-one else.
I thought I'd come from Earth, but the contrast I was observing was closer to that of Heaven and Hell.

"Miro." The Goddess called for me.
I walked through lush golden grass as if I were remembering first how, and found myself back at her feet.
She drew in a deep breath, looking up with reddened eyes.
It was almost enough to make her look something other than perfect, than divine.
But truth was cruel.

"I have the chance to send you someplace. Someplace you won't live consumed by all of those terrible things." She said. "Would you like to go?"
I nodded.
"Where you're going, magic exists." The Goddess smiled. "I can make you master of one element, or acquainted with all of them. I could give you eyes that would decipher the laws binding reality, or a voice to command others with the charisma of a dragon. Should you desire strength, or speed, or wits, or riches, you need only ask your heart's desire."

I nodded slowly. "Is it... okay if I think about this?"
"Briefly." The Goddess smiled. "I understand, it's a big decision. I should be able to hold you here for a little while longer."
True to her promise, she waited as I wracked my blankened brain for some thread inside the possibilities.
I felt my heart threaten to race, at the mention of a time limit. How long was 'a while'?
I figured that she would prompt me with a fair warning if I was getting close to running out.

But, magic. Or strength. Some kind of power, or advantage. If a typical fantastical world awaited, then whatever the Goddess bequeathed me would probably put me head-and-shoulders over any of the locals.
And, depending on the level of advancement of the place which I was headed, between my knowledge of a hyper-advanced society and the skill I chose...
If what had come before had been hell, then truly...

I wiped my nose.
Think. I didn't have it made just yet. If anything, the longer I thought, the more the possibilities expanded--

"Have you decided, Miro?" The Goddess asked gently.
Shit. 
"I'm sorry." I shook my head. "A little longer?"
She nodded, smiling, if with an urgent edge in her eyes.
"There's still time."

I--
I didn't know what to choose. I didn't know what would suit me best, and I hadn't even been able to clearly visualise any of my choices.
If only I'd played even a single game that had these kinds of elements in them. If only I'd talked to someone who knew about these things, or gone outside enough to have some kind of 'dream ability'--
If only I'd done anything.

"Miro?"

The panic started. I began to tug at my hair, to breathe heavy.
"I--"
"It's okay." The Goddess rested a hand on mine. "It's okay, Miro. Do you have any regrets from your past life? Something you wish you'd've been able to do?"
That's what I was trying to figure out.
"I..." I took a deep breath. "I guess..."
The line of inquiry brought me to a thought, the memories I had of briefly yearning my way through the over-indulgent stories that constantly swam my way through every channel possible.
"What if..."
"Yes?" The Goddess's grip tightened around mine a touch.
"Could I ask you to make everyone love me, where I'm going?" I asked.

The Goddess's eyes widened.
"I..." Her eyes darted to her book. "Miro, I must warn you. Whatever you ask me for, I will be bound by my promise to give you in full. Can I ask you to reconsider?"
Huh? I blinked. "Why?"
The Goddess hesitated. "If there were some activation clause, like-- think, a skill you could use."
I scrunched my eyebrows. "I guess... I don't know if I could pull off anything complicated. Like, if there was some kind of requirement to using it?"
She nodded. Quickly.
"Um..." I frowned. "I don't know. I'm-- I can't--"
"Miro, it's okay, but I really recommend you to reconsider. Choose anything. Anything!"

I felt the tears begin to well.
I couldn't help it.

I can't control it.
"Goddess, you asked me if I had any regrets." I said, into increasingly worried eyes.
She nodded, smiling. "Yes."
"But that's just it. I just want to be loved."
I felt my voice failing even just to say it, but I got it out.

A quiet, sinuous whisper coursed the garden like an outside wind.

Suddenly, the Goddess's book ignited with a sharp light.

I felt myself falling. Falling somewhere, and falling asleep all at once.

By the time I caught sight of the Goddess plunging her face into her hands, I'd already fallen.