Meli

A YouTube video plays on my monitor. The light of it illuminates the walls of my apartment, cracking and housing rats I’ve barely managed to keep from coming out with my half-assed patch job. I can feel my back starting to hurt from forgetting to remain straight. I lean back in my office chair, as my brain finally disconnects from whatever’s on the screen. I drift my gaze up to the ceiling without any real reason. It’s just a ceiling, of course, flat with chipping paint. My head goes fuzzy.

If only it would come alive and gobble me up, not leaving a single trace behind. That would be so…nice…not. I sigh at my own nihilistic thoughts. Stupid to act like death is any kind of solution, even if you can’t think of a single solution regardless. Pain follows a snapping in my mind. Shit. Forgot my meds. I reach out to the bottles of pills on the desk and crack them open. The process is lazy but exact. Even the swig from the can of Monster is just the same as any other.

I wipe at my eyes, feeling the pills slip down my throat, holding back the feeling of nausea that always follows after them. That sucks, but that’s not really the worst part. Really, I hate more than anything how it makes my horns burn. I reach up a hand to wrap my fingers around one, squeezing and gritting my teeth. It’s funny how squeezing always makes the pain fade faster. Still, I feel tears at the corners of my eyes.

“Stoppppp…” I groan out my throat as I squeeze the can in my other hand. By the time it does cool down, it’s already too late, the excessive pressure causing an ache in my head. I lay my chin on my desk, utterly defeated. I should just go to bed. Did I finish my homework for tomorrow? Let’s see…yeah, discussion posts uploaded, essay finished, and final piece for the charcoal drawing is all ready to go. Perfect. I shut down my PC, watching as my room descends into darkness, save for the light of the moon outside. I slug out of my chair and crawl over to my futon, curling up. Oh, sleep, give me a break, would you?

Just as I think that, I hear my phone let out a single ring. I lazily grope for it somewhere on the floor, bringing it to my face. Waiting there for me on the home page is a text message.

Meli, you free after classes tomorrow?

I stare blankly at my own screen, letting the light burn my retinas. The fuck you mean am I free? You know that better than anyone.

hey yeah what’s uop

I just wanna go somewhere tomorrow. Probably the gym?

seriously

Come on, I won’t force any of the machines you don’t like on you! I just need to go early tomorrow and don’t wanna sacrifice our hangout time for it.

i guess that’s fine.

Lying is pretty easy over text. I can already feel my muscles regretting my decision.

You’re the best! We’ll grab some grub when we’re done then, ok? I’ll even pay this time.

liar

See you tomorrow!

I turn off my phone screen, letting it slip down on the wood floor. Great. I let out a held breath before rolling back over.

“Fucking Kommi.” I whisper the bastard’s name to myself, staring at the wall, wondering how long it’ll take to actually fall asleep tonight. Surely not long with this headache.

Surely…

…

Hah. Hilarious. As I make my morning coffee, my body seems reluctant to react to my desire to move. Acting like a victim when it was the one who decided to not let me sleep all night. I wanna say something indigent, but just focus on stirring in my creamer as the sun peaks through the gaps between the neighboring street’s buildings. The comfort of this place goes up twentyfold under such lighting. For a bit, I forget I’m actively suffering, and just get to enjoy my coffee while watching the street below. All the passing people, talking and walking to work or wherever they have to be. I try to carefully scan through them. What I’m looking for, I soon find. A black beanie, at an awkward position on the person’s head, just enough above the head to both not come off as strange, but, plenty to do the job it’s really there for.

My horns tinge with a feeling of sympathy. Hopefully he has someplace worth coming back to after whatever stressful day he’s bound to have. I step back, forcing myself to take in the sight of the reflections of the rising sun. Another day, huh? I ponder the possibilities as I finish my coffee. Once I do, it’s finally time to leave. Grabbing my bag and large sketchpad, I throw on my baggy hoodie and own beanie, making sure my horns aren’t being outlined, before stepping out into the hallway. I watch as a few other students living here talk about classes they apparently share, while doing my best to not make it obvious I’m watching. I just think it’s fun to see how people move their bodies when they’re into it.

This guy is clearly pissed, and I can see his fingers twitching like he’s a hyena, while the girl is just speaking like a pleasant-voiced robot, remaining neutral and not moving much at all. Yet I can feel it in their eyes. That feeling of disgust for those who don’t consider their humanity. It’s so…damn. Humans are such interesting creatures. I pass them by, only to hear that pleasant voice stop for a moment.

“Hey.” I freeze up. “You dropped your charm.” I turn my head and see the girl kneeling on the ground, holding up a cheap backpack charm. One of a chocolate bar. She cocks her head at me as the seconds drag along like sand.

“Thanks…” I carefully reach down to take it.

“Damn, they really don’t make them shits like they used to.” The boy starts laughing, his hyena side showing through. I try not to meet his gaze, afraid he may notice the annoyed thoughts spurring through my head. I simply bow to them both before fast walking to the stairs. The door to the stairwell starts to close behind me, enough for me to no longer be in their sight. “Weirdo.” He said it with that laugh of his infused right into each movement of his tongue. I swallow, readjusting my bag strap, holding it just a bit tight, while pocketing my broken strap charm. I mean, yeah, I’d probably think I’m weird too. Weirdo. Weirdo. Damn, that’s really not gonna leave, huh? Great. I grit my teeth, each step downward laced with some kind of…something. I don’t like it.

“It’s your own fault.” I let out. “Why do you keep bothering people? Asshole. Go die.” The little jabs do the job of taking the tension off my shoulders. Once I’m out in the early summer morning, I’m already back to a calm, neutral feeling. Perfect. Time to see if I can keep that all the way to class. I begin my walk, my eyes locked on everyone as they pass. I watch a man fiddle with his phone, a woman retouching her makeup, and slowly, I begin to feel myself fade away. It’s always nice walking to campus. Forgetting to exist is probably the best thing someone can do for their mental health.

It’s a nice and calm experience, until, as with every morning, I’m snapped back by the feeling of something tapping my shoulder. Which is it today is the only thing I can ask myself as I turn my head. Ah. Half a chocolate bar. I take it as the boy holding the other half moves to my other side.

“Morning Meli.”

“Mmm.” I bite into my chocolate, nodding in response.

“Ooooo, shitty mood. Let me guess, no sleep.”

“...mmm.” Can you not read me before it’s seven in the morning?

“There there bud. Ahh, there there.” He pats my back, earning him a simple look. “Wow, it must be bad today.”

“I’m not particularly enthused, no.”

“Well, that’s fine enough, I suppose. Wanna stop for breakfast if it’s that bad then?”

“Uhh…ok.” Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I had completely skipped over it in my angered state. “Thanks Kommi.” I add.

“Hmm? For what?”

“For…for breakfast?”

“...”

“...i’m paying, aren’t I?” He smiles. “...fine.”

“He-he, hell yeah~!”

…

We finally arrive in front of a food truck. It’s aged, but that only makes sense. I’ve been coming here since I was 5. I was the one who even told Kommi about this place, and now he doesn’t stop bringing me here. The man inside gives us both a warm smile before immediately getting to work on our usuals.

“You gotta love someone who knows you.”

“Right.”

“Hmm…okay, cough it up. Something’s bugging you.”

“Wuh?”

“This ain’t just your ass being tired. Something else is going on. Spill.”

“Ugh. I’m just tired.”

“Nooooooo.”

“It’s, well, it's just classes.”

“What about em? Feeling overwhelmed?”

“No. Just…questioning and…stuff.”

“That’s fair.”

“Just…not seeing a point.”

“...” He doesn’t say anything. I can feel him just staring, waiting for me to go on.

“Because, well, I don’t really know if I’m…” I bite down on my tongue. “...good enough to make art a job.”

“Hm.” He looks away.

“Sorry. I know it isn’t really that serious-”

“I can’t help you if you aren’t honest with me. But, I’d also just rather hear you say you don’t wanna talk about it instead of lie to me.”

“I-wha-” I bite down on my lips. He points.

“Work on that if you wanna be a better liar.” He smiles. “I’m not mad, really. If it gets to be too much, though, please tell me.”

“...ok.” I look away, feeling my whole bod heating up and covering itself in a shameful sweat.

“I said I wasn’t maaaaaad!” I feel his arm wrap around my neck, pulling me around as I desperately fought against it.

“Grk! L-EGGO!”

“Oh, food.” He lets me free as he goes to grab his breakfast biscuit, allowing me to grab my own, after a moment to cough and catch my breath. I try reaching for my wallet, but the man shakes his hand.

“Have a good day.”

“Thanks sir.” We both nod him goodbye, getting back on track to make our ways to campus. However, before I can bite into my sandwich, something tickles at the back of my head. “Uhm, Kommi?”

“Wassup?”

“The…you pointed at me when I was biting my lips. How, uh…long have you noticed that?”

“How long?” He looks up at the sky. “I wonder. Guess we’ll never know.”

“Huh?” He looks back ahead, continuing to eat his sandwich. I…guess it’s not surprising. Most people don’t really like lying. Even less are actually good at it. It must just be obvious, since I’m so person-adjacent. I’m sure he must know someone else who does that. I return to my sandwich, not thinking any more of it. Or, I wouldn’t have.

“You’re not all that hard to read, honestly.”

“I-what?”

He doesn’t elaborate, telling me to keep up.

…

I can hear the sounds of the teacher’s voice, but it’s all nonsense to my brain. My hand thankfully does the job of transcribing it all as best it can, my eyes fixed on the board with a false look of understanding. What a convincing disguise. So good no one even notices. Lucky me. All stats in stealth FTW. So, if it’s so good, why do I feel like I need to puke.

“-and that’s when you take the total household GDP and…yes, Meli?”

“B-can I sue the restroom?”

“Well I don’t know how well that would work out for you, but you can certainly use it if you prefer.” Like, five students snicker.

“Thank you.” I leave that classroom with a speed perfectly natural, even if the stares I receive would disagree. I don’t stop till I’ve made it down the hall and into the bathroom. I take a breath, leaning against the bathroom wall. The fluorescent light above me is too bright, but if it were darker it would just be replaced with a bulb even brighter, so what’s the point in complaining? I let the sense of hopelessness die on my lips as I try to cover my eyes. Come on dumbass, you know you don’t care that much about a light. Or, well, I do, but surely I’m better at keeping that down than I am now.

I try to splash water from the sink on my face, but it doesn’t make the tension on my skin go away. Ugh…what’s going on with me? No answer comes to me, and I’m left to just stare at my hands. Wet. Disgusting. I want to tear them off and flush them down with all the piss and shit clogged up in those filthy pipes. Instead, I take the impulse out on my forehead. I don’t wanna go back. Not to class, not outside, not to the gym. I just wanna go home. Why can’t I go back to my dorm? Why am I still here? Hah. I say that like I don’t only have that dorm BECAUSE of these classes. Get a grip. Get a fucking grip. I hear the door open and straighten my back, shoving my hands back under the water. The boy walking in doesn’t even seem to take notice of me.

“Forgot my damn wallet…bullshit. Just wanted a Pepsi.” He enters one of the stalls. Oh. I see. I dry off my hands and exit back into the hall, looking over at the vending machines he must have been talking about. I walk over, looking inside at the drinks behind one of them.

“F1…$2.15.” I reach into my pocket, finding my wallet, and pull out of it three dollars, inserting them and making my selection.

“Ugh…fuck today.” By the time the boy exits the restroom, I’m already holding the drink. I try to open my lips, but my legs just lead me ahead, gently patting his shoulder with the bottle. He jolts, turning around and seeing me holding the bottle out to him.

“You forgot your wallet, right?”

“Uhm…huh?”

“Here.”

“Th…anks?” The boy cautiously takes it from me, staring down at it like it’s some kind of magnificent artifact. I just nod and start to walk off, leaving him alone. Weird. My mind feels totally clear now.

…

Finally over. I breathe out some relief as I do my best to avoid bumping into anybody, trailing my self down the right set of halls to arrive at the cafeteria. I hightail it to the pizza rack, grabbing the random slice they have left over before paying and heading out to the outside seats. I spot a cluster of empty tables and make my way over, my eyes locked on someone playing on their retro handheld. Lucky. I sigh in defeat before finding the perfect spot and eating my lunch. Lucky me that I’m not all that bothered by head, I’d be sweating my ass off with this hoodie. Ahh, a nice day. Nice, nice day. I look out at the bright blue sky and feel it tugging on my soul. Getting the urge, I reach into my bag, pushing through my supplies to find a digital camera. I point up, watching the screen come to life, giving a pixelated preview of the clouds above.

I hit the capture button.

“LITTLE FUCKER!” I pull my gaze away from my screen to see someone getting pushed against a tree. Huh? No, not someone. They’re…wearing a beanie, barely hanging off…one of their horns. They’re crying, as someone knees them in the stomach. They fall over, retching. Drool comes dribbling down their lips as a foot smashes against their cheek. I feel frozen. They need help. I know they do. I feel my desire to race in building in my heart, but my legs don’t respond. My teeth grit, I wince, as each hit makes contact with their body.

“I…ngh…” I feel my facial muscles twitching, before I take a deep breath. “S-stoppp!” I came running, not really sure what I was doing.

What I was met with was nothing short of expected. I was laid out with a single punch. The pain in my head ringed and ringed as I heard the muffled voices of these assholes talking about me. Ouch, ouch, oww. My head…I felt one of them kick my side and that’s when the real pain came in. I rolled over, only to find the other fellow had run off. Well, that’s good. I guess it was worth it-FUCK! Quit kicking me in the back! That hurts, it really hurts! I felt one of them in their frenzy move to pull off my beanie, throwing it somewhere out of reach.

“I KNEW IT! IT’S A FUCKIN DEMON!”

“STICKING UP FOR ANOTHER LOSER LIKE YOU?! STUPID! HAHA, FUCKING STUPID!”

I waited, hoping someone would pass by and try stopping them, but I was sure no one would. Whatever. Just let them have their fun. It’s your own fault. Knowing you can’t do anything. You aren’t strong or brave. You’re just a demon.

Not even human.

“That’s enough of that!” I hear a familiar voice before hearing a pained yelp ring out. All the attacks stop pretty quick after that. Still, I don’t move, just curling up even more. “Meli?” Kommi’s voice breaks through my head’s ringing. I don’t move.

“...”

“Can you move?”

“...yes.” I let out a pathetic answer.

“Well, that’s good.” I hear him sigh softly.

“I…”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t…wanna go to the gym today.”

“Mmm…yeah, of course.”

“I just wanna go home.”

“I bet…” There’s a silence. I feel like shit. Bailing on him just because he must pity me right now. I would be that manipulative. “Well, I still promised to pay for food after.” Huh? I turn my head, and see him smiling down at me. “How about we go get some shakes instead?” I see his busted lip and bruising cheek, and even then, he’s still smiling so wide.

“I’m-”

“No sorry, got it?”

“Ok…”

He’s…really cool.

I wish…I could be that cool.

“Can…we go…get shakes then?”

“Hell yeah.”

I wish I were human too.