Meli

There was screaming. Screaming flames burning all around me. A gas station... I could tell that's what it was from the fallen over, charred pumps. Screaming people. Dying everywhere. It's excruciating, and I just can't take it. I look down and see my own burned to ash hands. Horrible. Monstrous.

Inhuman.

"R-un."

I looked up, through the rubble still burning and exploding around me. There was a woman, crushed from the waist down, holding her hand out to me, crying from the excruciating pain. Even so, she smiled. At me. Making the whole world disappear. I felt myself start to cry too. I didn't wanna be there, or anywhere. All I wanted was to simply disappear, but-

"You need to run baby."

-those words, tinged with love and kindness, forced me to move. Escape. Into the black of an endless night.

My memory of crying and screaming like a child slowly clipped and stuttered, like cracking film, till there was pure nothing.

That's... the last memory I have of my mother.
...
I open my eyes from the painful dream, staring up at a ceiling chipped and cracked. The fuzzy pins in my tailbone tell me I fell asleep a long time ago. Turning to stare out the window tells me a similar story, the once burning orange of the early evening now replaced with the pitch black of full night.

I sit up in my office chair, feeling my back cry out. Reaching out, I flick on my desk lamp, so my eyes don't have to suffer from just the blue-light of my monitor. Now, what was I doing again? I focus back on the monitor, seeing a forum page already open in my browser. The familiar banner of two firmly grasped hands, covered by some simple, schmaltzy words of encouragement, bring me right back up to speed.

Right, it's that time of day. With only a moment to collect myself, I'm back at what I do be-well, do. The different posts of people airing their woes fly like bullets across the screen. While I could respond to them, I'm also pretty sure I don't understand those situations enough to know any satisfying answers for their problems. Best to just stick with what I understand. So, the scrolling goes. Thankfully, it doesn't take TOO long to find something I feel like I may be able to help out with.

*I've just been feeling like I don't belong lately. Like nobody really wants me around, and it's making me sick. Please, help me.*

I read over the post. I can feel something in my heart ache. Yes, I can help him for sure. I click the comment icon, and stare at the comment balloon. Now, what does someone like this need to hear? What can I say? Think think think...ah, yes, that's perfect. My fingers are off and away.

*You can't let yourself rot away like this. Nobody can save you if you aren't ready to pull yourself up too. I promise, there's a happy life for you if you take the first step.*

I hit enter, watching my comment populate under the post. As I do, the sounds of rats scuttling through my apartment walls gives my spine a shiver or two. I reach down into my tiny mini-fridge, pulling out a Monster to help drink away the nerves. Please don't get through again, I can't afford any more traps right now. Ah, thank god, a response comes to take me away from my worries.

*Bullshit. Someone doesn't come take the pain away if you decide you want them to. Are you a child? I don't need advice from someone who doesn't have any self-awareness.*

Unfortunately, I'm quickly thrown right back into inner turmoil. What do you mean bullshit? Is that not what you should do in a situation like this? Well, what am I supposed to say then? Something, surely!

*Are you saying that because you believe that, or because it's scary?*

There, to the point. Try and weasel your way out of that one!

*You don't know me! Don't act like you understand everything just because you're a fucking normie!*

Damnit, he weasaled! Okay, wait, he didn't even answer my question. Don't you just evade me...

*So talking to people doesn't scare you?*

*Get a clue man!*

I'm halted from writing my next comment. The forum page loads before taking me to my account page, with a popup bubble sitting in the center.

*You've been banned from HelpMeThrough*

"... seriously?" Why?! All I've ever done is try and help people. Why would you ban me for tha-

*Reason given: Constant arguing.*

-... I get the very uncomfortable feeling that saying anything would just be proving someone's point. It's with great defeat that I close out the browser window to a painting of an empty, rainy city. I find my eyes gluing to it. What did I do? All I wanted was to help. Why couldn't they see I was just trying to give them a push? I grit my teeth and push my wrists against my forehead. Hah, right, help. Dumbass. As if you'd know the first thing about helping anyone. I bet everyone who had to put up with you just jumped off a bridge cause of you. Murderer! Evil, despicable, abusive murderer!

Fuck, if it were Kommi, he would have known exactly what to do! Yeah! Yeah. Exactly what to do. Like-like not act like a child. I sigh against my wrists. Like not insist on being right in an argument you created with people in need of actual help. That's not what he'd do. He'd just help. How?

"... just wanted to help..." The only thing that I can say, yet the words leave a bad taste in my mouth. I can't place why. I can never place why. "Right. I guess I have to figure something else out now." I turn back to my computer, opening a new tab and clicking open an autofill option, bringing me to a document. One full of struck through bullet points.

~~Write stories about how you feel.~~
~~Write stories about what others need to hear!!~~
~~Learn how to not annoy people.~~ (Self pity shouldn't be in this document!!!)
~~Work out!!!!~~
~~At least stop eating like shit... (WHAT DID I SAY????)~~ (shut up...)
Think like Kommi:
~~Save people from getting beat up~~ (Right, you need to go to the gym for that to work)
Help people who are struggling online

I cross out that last one, leaving me with only one clear line. Even then, I'm back at square one. Think like Kommi. I can see his smiling face flash through my mind. The face of my only friend. The longer I stare at it, the more desperate it feels. How could I possibly think like a-

**BEEP! BEEP!**

I snap out of it, looking over at and grabbing my phone. Medicine time. A common dread forms in my stomach, at least offering me silence from all my other thoughts. Once I handle the alarm, I grab the pills off my desk and pop two into my hand. They sit there in the contours of my palm. Small, pink, smooth. I wanna crush them. Regardless, I force them down with some Monster. The effects are immediate.

My stomach flashes hot and I grip it tight, grunting and forcing down whatever's trying to come up. More painful, though, is the pain coming from my head. From the things connected to my head. The pain up there burns so bright I feel ready to light aflame. In desperation, I rip off the beanie that never leaves the top of my head when I can help it, and reach out to touch them.

Touch and squeeze my two dark horns. They burn like hellfire, yet my skin will show no sign of their burning potential. I am simply incapable of such damage. Even so, the churning in my guts is a different story. I push my own face against my desk, ready to cry. In desperation, I close my eyes and bite my lips. I think of her words. I think of Grammy.

"This is the price of living in a human's world. Pay it, and you'll surely find peace."

With that little bit of conviction, I'm able to keep it all down as long as my body is willing to fight. I lay against the smooth top of my desk, tears slowly dripping from my eyes. This is just the price for existing in their world. I understand that. I know what happens when that price isn't paid, and people are forced to pay for my selfishness. Still, still I wish.

God... I wish I was human.

But I never will be.

Because I'm a demon.