Tricks of the Trade

“I’m going to need to carry you, okay?” Tomita asked.

Izhari could not speak and merely nodded. Winds howled and blew her robes across her body as she stood still and waited for Tomita’s embrace. After sizing up her form, Tomita was ready.

“Here we go,” he said.

With that, he let out a whistle.

“Oi!! You lot can give it up! She’s mine!” he bellowed out in a terrible English accent.

“Why are you speaking like that?” Izhari whispered as he scooped her in his arms.

“Shoosh. British English is always the go-to villain accent. Trust me,” Tomita whispered through gritted teeth.

Thankfully, she wasn’t heavy. Her thin, bony frame sank into his arms, and she draped her staff over her chest as she slumped her head into Tomita’s chest. Just then, the other three pursuers turned the corner in curiosity. Their eyes settled on Tomita, who had almost forgotten his brain was still exposed.

“Mother maji!” snarled the nearest hunter as one of the others covered its mouth.

“That’s disgusting. Quite the wound there, Hume,” said the other, who was a smoky figure that moved with a weightless, paper-like gait.

Tomita calmed his nerves and resumed his character.

“Little cat was tougher than I thought. How bad’s me head?” he asked.

“I’m amazed you’re alive. That must be excruciating…” admitted the biggest pursuer, which was a six-armed, famished bear with a very long beard.

“I’ve been through worse. Anyways, I’m taking her in. Sorry I got her before you did. But as is protocol in ordinance seventeen dot four of bounties and requisitions, via amendment nine, as put forth by the executive committee's decision for more strategic alignment, she is now my bounty.”

Desperation and familiarity were all Tomita had, so in that moment, his mind had decided bureaucracy was the most powerful idea he could leverage. Years of corporate alignment goals, team-building exercises, and all-hands calls had given him an arsenal of ways to bog down processes and drain the energy of anyone who might hear. It was already working. His word soup of business jargon had absolutely confused his counterparts.

“Strategic… benignment?…” asked the bear.

“Ahhh, yes! You’re familiar with the process! It is part of our designated operational excellence and efficiency department with the bounties and acquisitions reorganization initiative.”

Nerves and inexperience had caused Tomita to change characters from a tough British gangster to a helpful attendant. He hoped the hunters didn’t notice. The bear scratched its head with one hand and its rear with another. Small tremors of fear caused Izhari to tremble in Tomita’s arms. All-too-familiar tremors were returning to his hands, but they were not from nerves. Still, he continued his last-ditch act.

“Forgive me, allow me to introduce myself. I’m your superior so I’m likely a new face to you. I am Tomita Kichirou, manager of acquisitions. Which we all know is the new, rebranded name for bounty hunter. One must keep the brand fresh to keep it fresh in customers’ minds, as they say!”

The hunters all three sighed in embarrassed confusion and subtle annoyance. Tomita smiled in slight victory and carefully laid Izhari’s body on the ground before stepping over her to put himself between her and the hunters. As he did, he revealed three business cards.

“My formal sigil and title,” he said as he handed the cards to the hunters, who all received them in utter confusion.

“Do you all have your sigil cards?” he asked.

“N…no?…” said the smoky figure.

“Ahh, you must have some produced. Are you not also managers, or leaders like me?” he added.

“Noooo, we’re not,” moaned the smallest hunter in a sigh of dejection as he kicked the ground.

“Well, keep up the good effort. You’ll be managers in no time!” he said with a smile and bow before hoisting Izhari back into his arms.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be going.”

As he turned, the bear stepped forward.

“Wait!” it snarled.

Clenches of fear moved through Tomita’s body now. He was so close.

“Yes?” he called as he turned back to the hunters.

“Where are your boots?” asked the bear in a tone of various curiosity.

Tomita eyed the three of them. Only the bear was shoeless- the other two had on heavy boots. Tomita’s mind raised for an answer. Anything! Thoughts of shoes tapping along linoleum flooring in garrush hallways danced in his mind. Years ago, he had memorized the footfall and gait patterns of all his office workers, so that he could better gauge when his superiors were approaching and thus appear busy.

“A trick from an old timer like myself. If you're pursuing on stone and want to gain the upper hand, remove your footwear. Your heavy boots are far too loud and give away your location.”

His answer intrigued the hunters.

“WOW. Brilliant idea,” muttered the smallest.

“Honestly, never thought about stealth. That’s a good idea,” admitted the smoky one.

Tomita smiled.

“Go, and try it for yourselves. Have one of you walk in boots across the Sanctum and the other walk barefoot. Then you see which is quieter!” Tomita decreed to the hunters.

All three of them seemed fascinated by the idea and immediately agreed. As soon as they set off for the Sanctum, Tomita turned and began to walk as swiftly as possible from them. Bureaucracy, corporatism, and lying had succeeded.

“Now what?!” he whispered in a panic to Izhari.

“There’s a teleportation crystal ahead at the bottom of the hill. I’ll teleport us to my home!” Izhari responded.

Tomita couldn’t help himself. His arms were starting to strain, and adrenaline was overwhelming him. He began to run. Back at the Sanctum, the hunters turned to share their results. The bear caught sight of the mage and the salaryman talking to one another as he ran.

“Hey!!” roared the bear as it burst forth in pursuit.

“Crappppp!!!!” screamed Tomita.

The crystal was there ahead of them. It was enormous, glowing blue, surrounded by floating glyphs. Wet grass and pouring rain made his steps uneven, but his pace did not slow. Not far behind, the three hunters were gaining on them.

“Hurry!!” screamed Izhari.

They reached the crystal, and she flung her paw onto the glowing shard. Powerful footfall stomped closer and closer.

“Hurry up!!” Tomita shouted.

Heavy thuds were shaking the ground beneath them as the bear was now meters away.

“Return only the two of us to my sanctuary!!!” screamed Izhari as the bear jumped forward.

Tomita braced himself and closed his eyes. There was a warping snap, and it felt like his skeleton was being pulled inside out, then it was over. His feet came to rest on a wooden floor in a small room. Izhari was still in his arms, and they were all alone. They had escaped.