The Cheshire Cat Does Not Mourn [Part 1]

I'm a failure as a human. I feel that I’m failing to even be what’s considered a basic human. I’ve been presented with life changing events these past few weeks, and I struggle to understand my reaction to them. All in the very same week, or was it the week before? Whatever... It doesn't matter… My father died a few months ago back in Japan, of what I recall was from some cancer. Lung or esophageal, if I had to guess, as he smoked more than anyone should. The other event is being awarded Valedictorian. Something I had no intention of achieving, but was given to anyway.

Being told that someone you know died of cancer then granted a prestigious achievement in such a short timeframe. Should create an array of unbearably divergent emotions. As for me, I express a cold, callous indifference with both. I soon ponder the thought: Why is that?

In contrast, any normal human would be stricken with such a profound sensation of grief that it transmutes into an unearthly despair. For the equally interesting aspect of human connection and interpersonal relationships. Another aspect that I struggle to understand. Becoming no more than an automated machine that is able to mimic the shadow of what I believe is a human.

This knowledge I’ve unveiled has only led to a single conclusion: I'm Failing to Exist.

It would be a joy if I could discover the reason for my indifference about both events, and this failure of human existence. If I did, I'd likely cure all of humanity's scourge of mental anguish. Until that day comes, I revisit one special place. This place is where I live and die everyday. In my endless search to solve this riddle of my mind. This Library.

I am at a constant stalemate with nothingness: slouching in the well-fashioned university chair. Even on the pretentiously crafted table lay my various school supplies that are packed and prepared to leave this void. Yet I remain still, utterly motionless, simply leering at the insulting wall of useless books. All I ever do is sit here numb to absolute silence. While in this position of physical immobility, it is impossible for me to avoid the routine thought of purpose for one's being.

It is a great annoyance to walk through life without direction, I walk without purpose. I have no worth. Often the only act that gives me direction is something that can be found in every living creature. Hunger, warmth, safety, and rest. Completely instinctual. What a worthless existence. Living with only the bare essentials in mind. What’s worse is that I understand that this is subjective. I know that most living beings are perfectly content with this way of life. I have no justification to call others with that life: worthless. It is I, who is without worth.

“Alright, my stomach is starting to devour itself.” I muttered to myself as the hunger began to gnaw a pit into my stomach.

I finally stood up and grabbed my things. Purely for the need of food. One could even call it a miracle that I finally moved. No longer dwelling on life and death again. Despite my rhetoric on my worth and purpose. It is a relief to know that I still have some semblance of humanity within me. I take a liking to food, of course. Especially sweets. There was always an endless supply of unique and flavorful sweets in Japan. Anyhow, what I consider a miracle in my own microcosm: Is something that I do believe has a fair degree of worth. Is my need to learn and curiosity for it.

Exiting the library, I’m able to drift away from one of my routine bouts of depression. I can return to the mundane atmosphere that this Crowded Castle offers everyday. Ordinary air, clouds, sun. Another ordinary day at Stanford. Beginning my ordinary walk to my dorm: It's somewhat astonishing how much better I already feel from just leaving the library. If it wasn't for that simple fact; the most primal desire of hunger that took place. I would have stayed in that library for an eternity. I also don’t want to discredit what I’ll be eating. I am fortunate enough to have two friends that want to prepare fun meals for myself and the others in our little friend group this evening.

I would typically review some flashcards that I had prepared for my upcoming exams, but it’s the end of the semester, so no need to prepare for anything. Which is unfortunate for me, because the distraction is surprisingly helpful as well as to make my time more productive, but more importantly, to avoid bothersome thoughts. Without a distraction, I’ll often have a peculiar feeling during these routine walks. I consider that feeling to be that of a Human Quality.

When this thought comes to mind I think of other human qualities. I believe that I can feel every emotion: anger, fear, sadness, surprise, of course disgust, and even happiness. Granted, being happy was somewhat of a new thing to me these past few years. Another thought comes to be with this clarity: I think way too much about every little thing. This constant psychology dissecting of the mind I feel that one day it might create a severance from my reality. Is it possible that I could fall too far in my hyper awareness of reality, that some schizophrenic illusion of the mind would manifest.

“Oh, joy. Is it finally happening?”

I whispered to myself. As a unique cat sat in front of me blocked my path; it looks as if two bisected cats were sewed together. Possibly a Chartreux or Tabby British Shorthair, with some other breed. LaPerm, maybe?

“Why are you here…? Frankenstein’s cat?” I muttered to it as if I knew why this creature was blocking my path.

I then looked around to see if this cat may have been with someone. There wasn’t a single student, professor, or any other faculty member in sight. Thinking back, that type of thing was quite rare. Not a soul on the campus grounds at that time of day, certainly strange… But that is no longer an important question.

The cat and I stared at each other. I felt as if the cat was examining me, but I didn’t care if it was or not, because I was basically doing the same. I had many questions about this creature that was staring at me, but before I could think of some possible explanations the cat began to walk away. It clearly had some type of injury because it had a slight limp. It got to a certain distance and turned its head back to likely get my attention. This time, I looked very closely into its eyes.

“Your eyes… They’re cloudy and the pupils are in different sizes. Are you blind?”

Now all things considered, this is quite the odd situation to be in for most people. However, I’m not much of a conventional person. I do think of myself as a rational one at best, because most people would have gone on with their own devices and left the creature as is. The very thought came to mind, unfortunately, my rational behavior is very different as well.

“I suppose a quick walk won’t do any harm.” I said to the cat, like the two of us were having a conversation.

I was different from the moment I came to this world. I looked different, I soon felt different, and then of course I thought different. So my rational behavior created the justification to take a little walk. Further reinforcing my decision with ideas like: Maybe a walk will fade my dreary demeanor that I tend to have after my sessions at the library. That way my friends will maintain the uplifting sensation for the fun dinner party this evening. Perfectly rational.

I thought I was going to walk beside the cat but it wanted to stay ahead of me. Now following the cat, I noticed it had more odd patterns in its movements, and every time I got close to it, it ran a little ahead of me, and every time I stopped, it did the same, like it wanted me to follow. I also quickly realized that I was lost, but that didn't really bother me much. I wasn’t very familiar with the area beyond the campus grounds, so I didn’t mind that I was slowly learning the land. More rational thinking. Even though I've lived here for a few years, I never thought it was necessary to learn something like this.

I digress. I've been following this cat for some time, and dusk was approaching. I felt like a child wandering about. Compelled by the simplicity of young curiosity, or perhaps something else within the deep dark of my mind. We had made our way into the nearby forest, and part way in the journey is when my sanity was starting to emerge. The predictable elements of the wilderness invaded my personal space. Force to endure the outstretched twigs, branches that wanted to grab my hair and strike my legs. Constantly adjusting my posture caused by the uneven earth. If it wasn't for the gentle freshness of simply being outside, I likely would have turned back already because of this overdue thought.

“This is getting ridiculous. What am I doing?”

Yet, that thought quickly faded as we arrived at an old shrine of some sorts, suffocated by dark green vines and hidden by lifeless trees. I only say shrine, because it reminded me of the shrines back in Japan that my father forced us to visit. This one was clearly not well taken care of: the doors were off the hinges, the windows were boarded up, layers of moss coated every surface. And dirt. Everywhere. When I saw the cat slip through a narrow gap in the structure, I hesitated only a moment before following. Having committed this much time already, I might as well see what unknowns may be inside. I pushed my way through the vine covered door.