a natural change

 While we live, we experience many changes, it could be something serious or nothing at all. I was born in this house, got a job, a wife and children. Changes happen, and I've gotten used to doing the housework in this house without my wife around.

As I was walking down the hallway after hanging the laundry, I saw one of my children through the open door of the living room. my youngest son -Hiroshi. He is always running around chasing things that are fun for him, but now he is leaning back and still on the couch.

I knew it at first glance, A change must have occurred to him. Hiroshi will turn 12 this year. He recently moved up to middle school. It means he's reached adolescence. Upon closer observation, he appears far more mature than the “cute youngest child” in my memories.

Until now he has told me everything and relied on me for everything. From now on, that will completely disappear. He makes a sour face when we make eye contact, and when he opens his mouth, he adds an “f” to every word he says. It is the beginning of hardship, but I would rather rejoice in my son's growth than be depressed by the loneliness of losing my best playmate.

I'm a bit emotional about it, but I have to check first. If his frown is a necessary part of his spiritual growth, I'll wait and see, but if he's facing a specific problem, that's a different story. I want to see if he needs help.

"Hey, what are you doing? Hiro." Playing it cool, I acted as if I’d just seen him and greeted him casually. Then he just turned his head towards me.

“Nothing.” There was a reply, but it was very curt. It's appropriate for adolescence.

Just yesterday,I might have resorted to tickling him for a confession. But now,behaving as if he’s still a baby would risk a permanent chasm opening up between us.

“Okay.” I replied cooly,then sat down next to him and turned on the TV with the remote. I navigated the recorder’s menu and selected an anime from the recorded programs. I don’t know anything about its content, but I want to gauge our emotional distance with this time.

Hiro readjusted himself on the sofa and turned to his face the TV. He seems to still be ready for frank communication.But how do I begin? A few minutes passed while I tried to decide.

“Dad, do you ever wish for a do-over in life?”

I was surprised by the abrupt question, but apparently that is what this animation was about. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I had no idea of the content. When a child asks a parent that, the answer is always the same, regardless of the situation.

“Well, it’s not that I don’t have mistakes I wish I could fix, but I wouldn’t go so far as to want to be young again and start over. I’m happy now.”

Even though I felt like I‘d said something profound, it didn’t seem to resonate with my child, who just mumbled, “Oh.” without even turning to face me.

I was momentarily tempted to tickle him, but I held back. I have to act like the only sane adult in this house.

“I guess people really wanna hit the reset button when life throws them a curveball or just isn’t fair. Luckily, I’m content with how what I’ve done connects to my current life. However,being able to say something like this comes with age. When I was younger, especially as a child, I definitely felt frustrated and resented my situation at times.”

“So, you’re saying one’s view perspective shifted as you got older?”

“Yeah,” I affirmed, and he looked down, his face clouded with deep thought.

“No matter how I change, I’m always on your side.” I quickly added, feeling like I’d made him anxious. He just shook his head, still looking down.

“Not about you, Dad.”

“Then who are you talking about?” I blurted out, perhaps a bit thoughtlessly, but Hiroshi seemed about to answer.

“My friends.” Mouth pouted, frustration all over his face.

“Did you have a fight with your friends?” Come to think of it, what’s really different about him isn’t his expression so much as the fact that he’s home on a day off. Usually, he’d be out somewhere having fun. With his friends.

“No, it’s not a fight.”

“Oh?” I made an effort to ensure he wouldn’t sense my internal struggle not to dismiss it as “just a kid’s thing.”

He must have had a lot bottled up, because he started talking rapidly.

“It’s like everyone’s acting weird, you know? They don’t want to play the games we were all int anymore, even when I invite them. Now they’re bringing magazines with girls in swimsuits and asking ‘Which one’s cute?’ It’s just gross.”

It seems there’s a strong possibility I’ve been making a big mistake.

“What kind of game did you invite them to play?”

“All sorts of stuff. Like, who could hang on the monkey bars the longest. Or hitting each other’s funny bones. Actually it’s everything. Someone would get the idea to drop a leaf in the river,and everyone else would follow suit. We used to compete over everything, but now they just look at me with this cold, ‘We’re over that kind of stuff’ look.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a short grunt. I’d apparently made a big mistake. He was still very much a little kid, not yet in adolescence. He wasn’t depressed due to some emotional instability, but simply down because his friends, who were starting to grow up faster, had begun to drift away from him.

“Gotcha!” I yelled, and tickled him mercilessly.

“Stop it!” he laughed, twisting and turning his body. My worries had been for nothing.

“Don’t be afraid, my son. That’s just adolescence.” I made a silly gesture of stroking my non-beard, and said in a playful tone.

“Adolescence? You mean, that…?” He went pale, as if he’d heard a cursed word.

“I told you not to be afraid. You learned about it in health class, didn’t you?”

“I knew about it even before class! It’s a trauma seared into my very core.Miu-neechan leaving me was for the same reason. Yes, adolescence.”

Hearing the name “Miu-neechan” brought back a memory. She was a girl from the neighborhood who often played with him and frequently came over to our house.

“OK. OK. It’s the same as back then. As soon as Miu-neechan became a middle schooler, she stopped playing with me. When I asked Mom about it, she said, ‘It’s adolescence, there’s a nothing you can do about it.’” As is usually the case, I agree with my wife's opinion.

It is painful to play with children, especially if they are not your own. At the end of the day, there is no limit to it, and from an adult's perspective, it is basically boring. After growing mentally, building relationships, and finding your own enjoyment, it is natural to feel bored when spending time with small children.

“She abandoned me and left with a friend I didn't know. Even though I was crying and screaming, she left me behind!”

It is dramatized. But the trauma may be real.

“That's why I hate adolescence.” started saying strange things.

“Even if you say that, everyone goes through adolescence." Even though I said something very ordinary, he snorted as if to say, “How ridiculous.”

“I'll never become like that. Adolescence only makes the people around one's unhappy.”

“No, you'll become like that too, Hiro,” I repeated. “Regardless of the distinction between children and adults, people change. You don't do the same things you did when you were little, do you?”

He looked away awkwardly. He must have realized what was being said. Before I knew it, he stopped bringing home nicely shaped branches and smooth stones.

One day, you suddenly start to feel bored with things that you used to care deeply about.This is a common occurrence when looking back on life.

I suddenly remembered. “Hey, our house had a convenient spot for explaining this.”

I took him to a corner of the garden, in front of the barn located on a corner of our property.

“It's just a storage room. I know what's inside. It's full of stuff that everyone has stopped using.” What he said is true, but it's all a matter of perspective.

“Why made us stop using them is the crucial part. Or, to put it another way, why did we use them in the first place.” I opened the barn door, revealing the familiar contents to my son, who stood before me with a dissatisfied and unconvinced look on his face.

Here you can find things like guitars, audio equipment, projector and screen, workout gear, textbooks for various certifications, RC cars, model kits, different types of trading cards, model guns, camping equipment, drones, and a racing bicycle.

“You could say this is ‘the stairway to manhood,’ in a way.” After I said that, he just stood there with his mouth open, looking completely bewildered. He didn’t seem to understand what I was talking about.

“What’s stored here are things that men get interested in or need for hobbies they become dedicated to at a certain age. Back then, the reason I put my things in here was simply because I was bored with them and they were in the way, but after that, your brothers started taking some of it out to use. Since I noticed that, I’ve been intentionally keeping these things here.”

“Mm… huh?” His face was still grim. It wasn’t getting through to him.

“Simply put, these are a natural progression from the cool sticks and smooth stones you used to love.” He tilted his head again, and then his face slowly began to turn pale.

“So you’re saying you and my brothers, just like me, collected sticks and stones?”

“Absollutely, yes.”

“And that I’m also going to get into all the hobbies that are stored in here, one after another, just like you guys did?”

"I'm not sure about everything, but guitars are a very likely possibility. “

“And it's natural growth to kick away and abandon a young child who looks up to me?”

“Miu-chan didn't do anything that bad to you, did she? What's so shocking?”

He's been covering his face and groaning for a while. He finally sank to his knees.

“my future is already decided. How can hormones be that influential?”

“By the way, I've been really wanting to try making soba noodles recently. It's called a midlife crisis, and it's when middle-aged people suddenly start riding motorcycles or studying a new language."

“Will it last a lifetime?”

“I don't know what the future holds, but there's definitely a trend.”

He let out a low, dirty word, and sighed as he looked around the warehouse. "So all this stuff is what people want to try but get bored of quickly, right? That's such a waste. You’re probably storing all these tools for the next person to use, to save money on buying new ones. But that doesn't solve the waste of time."

"That's a fair point." Looking back on the time spent on things one has outgrown is a truly empty feeling.

"Even though I know I'll get bored of these eventually, I still get obsessed with them. Trying to avoid that by choosing something that isn't here won't change the final outcome. I'll get tired of it someday.” He understood it more than I ever wanted to, and it completely crushed him.

My intention was to tell my son that he'll be interested in many things from now on. He heard it as 'you're just going to do a bunch of useless things. It's a very teenage way of thinking that quitting something you get bored of is a waste of time, but if he truly believes that, he'll just spend his precious youth doing nothing. I want to avoid that.

"Every experience you challenge yourself with will definitely become a part of you. If you worry about it being a waste of time, you'll never be able to do anything." Even as I was saying it, I thought it sounded so preachy—exactly like something an adult would say.

As expected, my words didn't get through to him. Without a word, he wandered back to the room and flopped down on the couch.

As I hesitated, searching for the right words, Hiro hit play on the stopped anime and murmured, ”If I don't start over once I've lived my whole life, I'll make mistakes over and over again.” Then it hit me.

“No, you don't need a supernatural experience to get it right. There's a way to make the best choices throughout your life.” Hiro looked up at me with an expectant look. That look in my son's eyes gives me so much reassurance as a father, I can't help but feel a sense of pride.

“It was so simple, you just need to know in advance what you'll regret doing and what you'll regret not doing, right?” Hiro, his interest now visibly piqued, sat up straight. "Is there a way? Tell me how!” I'd like to savor the moment a bit longer, but it seems better to do quickly.

"All you have to do is ask people who have already gone through it. In other words, you can simply ask your elders what to do and what not to do." It can be annoying to be told what to do by an adult, but there's a good reason behind it. Knowing that will surely be very meaningful for him.

"Go ahead and ask an elder you look up to—someone you really believe in and rely on.” I said, standing tall and proud.

Instantly, Hiro's whole demeanor changed. He got up and his face lit up. “Thanks, Dad! I'm off to ask my big brother!” With that, he was out the door in a flash.

Left all alone, I stood there, still puffing out my chest, utterly confused. “Am I a terrible father?” Unfortunately, there was no elder in this house to answer that question.