Stupid Little Brat... Ehm, I Mean Her Royal Highness

I had the newspaper spread out in front of me and was skimming through the articles. The truth is, I was probably reading them for like third time or something like that, because I really didn’t have much to do. There were customers but it was far from packed here. I flipped to the next page, where a massive headline screamed: BEVARE GOOD CITIZENS! CRIMINALITY IN THE KINGDOM IS ON THE RISE! THE BLACK MARKET IS BOOMING AND SALES OF YFRIT HAVE REACHED UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS!
What the hell is yfrit? But before I could look at the article, something metallic hit the counter. I looked up from the newspaper and saw a shiny magical sword, one we sold for a ridiculous price. I looked at the customer… and saw no one.

“Uhm, hello?” I called out a bit nervously. Do even ghosts shop here now?

“I just put it here for now, I’m going to buy more stuff,” said a tiny voice from behind the counter. I peeked over and saw a little blonde girl with braids with brown sparkling eyes. She was wearing plain clothes I’d seen on most customers. Except for her eyes, she just looked very… normal. One could even say a bit bland.

I scratched my head, trying to figure out how to respond to such a cryptic situation. I felt the same way as when the kids wanted to buy a can of beer from me, but this wasn't quite the same.

Is this illegal? Do they need a permit to buy a weapon here? Hmmm... After a moment, I decided on a neutral response.

“And where are your mommy or daddy?”

“Hmm, I think they’re at the Council of the Noble Houses.”

“Riiiiight… so—”

“Now stop talking to me, you’re annoying.”

Huh?

“That’s not how you—”

“Be quiet, I’m shopping here.”

“Hey listen gir—”

“You know what? I changed my mind. Come here. You’re going to carry my things,” the girl declared in a commanding voice.

“Okay, now listen here, you little brat!” I’d had enough. “Didn’t your parents teach you not to speak to adults like that?!”

“Hmph, fine, I’ll carry it myself, but believe me, you’ll pay for this, maggot.”

Who the hell is this kid?! Who does she think she is—some kind of princess? She’s just an ordinary little girl, only incredibly full of herself.

I walked over to the shelf where the girl was picking out a bow and a quiver of arrows.

“Um, and don’t you want to tell me how you intend to pay for all this, missy?”

“No, I don’t.” Even a spit on a roadside would get more attention and respect than what she gave me.

“Hey, that’s not how this works! That was what's called a rhetorical question,” I muttered through clenched teeth.

“Then stop with this rhetoric. You are giving me a headache.”

She added the bow to the sword. The total price was climbing to astronomical levels.

“You’ll speak to adults with respect, understood!” I snapped. “And aren’t you a bit old for these games? I get that every little girl wants to be a princess, but I think you’re taking it way too fa—Hey! Are you even listening to me, you little…”

The girl was now inspecting helmets, and I was being ignored like a rock. Uninteresting, ugly, and fit only to be kicked aside.

“That’s it! I’m not selling you anything! Nothing got it! Not until you bring your parents, and I’m really looking forward to see you explain all this to them.” I declared firmly and shoved the weapons under the counter.

“Give it back!” the girl shrieked the way only a stupid little child can.

Ahh, finally got your attention, you little brat. I rubbed my hands together in my mind, feeling satisfied. Go ahead and scream all you want; I’m used to this kind of stuff. No lollipop, no toy, and no sword for you, missy! Muhahahaha!

“Hey, take it out now! I command you!”

“And who exactly is commanding me?” I asked sweetly, with venom in my voice.

“Lilith Freya di Galgamo!” the girl blurted without hesitation and proudly puffed out her chest.

I clapped mockingly. “Oh wow, we even have a name for our imaginary alter ego, huh missy?”

“But I am Lilith di Galgamo!” the girl shrieked, stomping her feet and throwing a tantrum.

“Wow, that sounds like a very powerful dynasty. And what exactly does this, uh, totally real family rule over?” I blinked at her innocently.

“The Kingdom of Bolaria!”

“Aha, so you’re the crown princess of this country if I understand this corectly?”

“Yes! You finally get it, you jerk!”

“Well, well, that’s not how princesses talk. And more importantly, why would a princess go shopping alone in Lumir’s general store?” Checkmate!

“Because… because I want to, that’s why!” the “princess” stammered.

“Sure, sure, very nice.” I clapped again, full of sarcasm. “I must admit it was kinda fun, but let’s get back to reality now, shall we. Go run along back to your parents and keep dreaming. But I mean it! Dreams are important, kiddo.” I nodded seriously, convinced I’d handled the situation without crushing the dreams of a promising, albeit very annoying, child.

“S-so I really… really can’t buy it?” the girl mumbled.

“No.”

“Not even… even the—”

“No.”

Silence fell like the calm before a storm, and then the girl suddenly burst out crying and wailing like there was no tomorrow.

“Buuhhhuuuuu! Ehheeeeebuuuuuuuuueeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!”

I sighed. I was used to tantrums like these from the shop, but they always ruined my mood anyway. Kids really are such snotty, stupid creatures. But don’t worry—as a veteran of these situations, I know exactly what to do. There’s only one option.

Dramatically, I reached into the display on the counter and swiftly pulled out… a square of the cheapest chocolate made from palm oil with an exclusive pinch of cocoa!

“Here you go, little girl, don’t cry anymore.” I offered the gift generously.

“Aahuuuhhuuuuuuuuhhooooooo!”

“Look at this delicious chocolate, have some.”

“Booooohuhhhhhhooooooooooouaaaa!”

Hmmm, this might be more complicated than I thought. But before I could come up with anything, I heard the girl saying something through her sobs.

“S-s-so I really c-can’t… b-buy it?”

“Uhm, no.” I had to stand firm.

“R-really c-can’t?”

“Nope. It’s just not possible. You have to understand.” I was starting to feel awkward.

The crying suddenly stopped as quickly as it had started. The girl stared at me in confusion, as if she still couldn’t grasp what I was saying. Suddenly, her eyes lit up like jewels.

“I-I really can’t buy it? Seriously?”

“No.” I was really running out of ways to say it.

“Wow! A-and this?!” She pointed to a bottle of elixir.

“No.”

“And that?”

“No.”

What is with this kid? Is she retarded?

“Woooow, this is great! I just can’t buy it! Woohoo, that’s so cool!”

Yep, looks like I’ve got a mentally ill individual in front of me. Poor girl.

At that moment, a portal whooshed open. Armoured guards burst in, spears and shields in hand. They rushed to the girl and surrounded her in formation.

“Are you all right, Princess? Are you hurt? Are you injured?” asked a man with a monocle and a pointed hat, wrapping her in a cloak.

“No, I’m fi—”

“But your eyes are all red! Did that brute hurt you?” the little man shouted, pointing at me. “Arrest him immediately!”

“W-w-wait! Hold on, this is a misunderstanding! I didn’t do anything to her! I—I didn’t know—”

The guards grabbed me and slammed me to the ground. Just then, a child’s voice piped up.

“No, stop, don’t hurt him! He didn’t do anything to me. Actually, it’s the opposite. He—he wouldn’t let me buy anything, Gerhart!”

“You—you refused to sell goods to the crown princess!?” the man with the monocle screeched so high his voice cracked. “I’ll have this shop shut down!”

“No, no, enough! I want you to leave him alone! And leave the shop too,” Princess Lilith ordered.

“A-as you wish, my lady. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you, filth!”

With that, they all marched out with a racket through the portal, leaving me in silence and contemplation.

I got to my feet, straightened my uniform, and smoothed my hair. Then I collapsed back to the ground.

I—I told the crown princess of the Kingdom of Bolaria that she was… a brat. A brat.

…

Well, I guess that’s about it. I’ll be paying a visit to the hangman’s noose tomorrow.