Let’s Start A Disastrous Campaign Session! A Real Life D&D Adventure Gone Wrong!

“Hey! You’re an Otherworlder, right? Haven’t seen your face around before.”

I turn around to see a group of four, all of an age close to mine. Late teens, from what I can tell.

The group has its genders equally split, two men and two women.

A young warrior in leather armor carrying a longsword on his back, and a blue-robed mage in glasses holding a book in one hand make up the male portion.

The young warrior looks like the energetic type who gets along with everyone, whilst the mage looks like a snobby academic prick.

The female portion comprises a hooded girl in light camo clothing, with a longbow and daggers strapped to her thighs. The second girl and last member of the party is a white-robed nun clutching a staff with a metal cross effigy on the end.

The ranger has a hood and mask concealing most of her face, but I make out sharp gray eyes peeking out, silently judging me.

A classic rounded party of four. Warrior, mage, ranger and priest.

Never thought I’d see an actual D&D party aside from cosplay.

I address the leader, the energetic brown-haired warrior: “Yeah? I’m new.”

“That’s great!” the young warrior exclaims. “How about joining our party? We’re new as well and have space for another member or two.”

I gratefully accept. “Sure! Thanks!”

“Nice! I’m Kael, priestess is Serena, ranger is Alin and our wizard is Eric. What’s your name?

By the way, what’s your class?”

“Spellcaster, I think? I don’t know the full extent of my powers.”

Eric, the mage, seemingly displeased with my class introduction, loudly whispers to his leader.

He doesn’t even bother trying to hide his disdain: “We should be looking for another frontliner! Not another spellcaster. Aside from you, all of us are distance combatants! We can’t hold up in a fight!”

The ranger shoots him a glare: “Who are you calling weak? I can handle myself just fine up close.”

“You’re a ranger,” Eric scoffs. “You use a bow.”

Alin shoots back, “I also know a dozen different ways to kill a bear with just a knife. Wanna bet?”

“Can you tank the hits of a bear without dodging?” the prick retorts.

The ranger stays silent.

“Thought so.”

Kael, the party leader, plays the middleman: “Come on, guys! Surely we have room for one more! The more the merrier!”

“He’s a stranger without qualifications or achievements to speak of,” the snobby mage retorts.

“We’re in the same position as him,” Kael argues back.

Eric asserts his opinion: “Too many scribes ruined the ledger. Four of us are enough.”

“But he doesn’t have a party. Us newbies have to stick together after all!”

Tired of the back and forth, Serena intervenes: “I agree with Kael. The warmth of the heavens is shared with all dwelling under their watch. Even those from another realm.”

With her vote, the deadlock is broken.

Everyone’s eyes were on the ranger, who held the last vote to determine the outcome of whether I join or the argument goes on.

Obviously, after being insulted by and quarreling with the mage, she takes the side of the priest and warrior. “One would be a fool to reject building up connections with an Otherworlder.” She proceeds to add in a jab, “Besides, Spellcasters are lacking in stamina, it’d be best to have a back up in case one falls over while jogging.”

Ouch! Although I wasn’t the person this insult was directed at, I couldn’t but feel the punch.

I made a mental note to learn a stamina enhancement spell sometime in the future.

As well as a permanent growth spell.

…

Please don’t ask what I intend to do with these spells.

Back to the current situation.

Eric gives in to everyone’s pressure, “Fine, but I want to talk to him myself.” He goes on to ask me, “How many spells do you know?”

“Two,” I respond.

“Two spells? I’m a Novitiate Mage and I know more spells than that,” scoffs the stuck-up wizard. He doesn’t stop and prattles on, “But since you’re an Otherworlder, I’ll hear you out. Surely those spells of yours must be very powerful, right?”

I want to punch his face so badly, but I hold myself back. There’s a time and place for everything. “Appraisal and some weird offensive spell that lets me throw a mote of energy.”

“Tch!” He clicks his tongue. “So you’re a Sorcerer. Figures, you lot never know what your spells do. Can’t tell the difference between a Firebolt and a Fire Ray.”

What the hell is this prick’s deal?

Seeing the confusion on my face, the other spellcaster, Serena, fills me in: “Mages like him have to put in effort to learn magic. Sorcerers on the other hand can naturally use spells like a part of their body the moment they’re born.”

The heck? Do they even have D&D concepts in this world? Wild. Guess I’m officially a Warlock.

Hold on, does that mean Rangers can use magic? I ought to ask Alin later.

If this world has D&D concepts, would it include Spellcasting Modifiers? If so, I wonder if I have high Charisma?

Nah, if I did, I wouldn’t be hunted by the Church. Unless they’re jealous because they’re old men relying on Wisdom to cast their spells instead of charm?

Who knows.

My time for pondering whether this world operates on D&D mechanics is cut short by the annoying mage’s interrogation.

“How many times can you cast your spells?”

I direct the question back at him, “How about you?”

“Hmph! I can cast Firebolt ten times before resting! That’s three times more than a regular Novitiate wizard can!”

Ten times? I killed thirty slimes with Eldritch Mote, that’s thirty spells, and I didn’t feel an ounce of fatigue.

Wait…

A proverbial light bulb went off above my head.

It’s time to flex a little.

“Does this place have an open field and some dummies?” I ask.

The ranger girl responds, “There’s a field in the back. Comes with wood and straw targets.”

Eric narrows his eyes, “Are you suggesting we have a competition?”

“Indeed, we’ll have a set of rules. Whoever destroys the most targets wins, how about that?”

The prick falls for it hook, line and sinker: “Hmph! You dare challenge a student of the Blue Tower with tricks you played around with for only a few weeks? Foolish, but I suppose it’s my responsibility to put arrogant fools in their place.” He declares, arrogantly pushing his glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

All of us head to the field in the back. We attract a few curious adventurers, who stand off to the side placing bets.

Ignoring them, we set up our competition.

Actually, it was mostly Kael who did the hard work. Despite being the leader of the party, he became the choreboy for our little competition, propping up the dummies for us to use.

The field starts out with five dummies. I let Eric go first.

Arrogantly, he steps up and declares, “Watch and learn.”

The mage flips his book open and shouts, “Firebolt!”

A red-orange magic circle appears and shoots a—

I don’t seriously have to describe this, right?

Everyone knows what happens.

Do I really need to explain the appearance of a Firebolt? It is one of the most iconic fantasy spells, right next to its big brother, the Fireball.

You know what, screw it. I’m not going to describe how it looks because we all know how it looks.

If you can’t visualize, it’s your problem. Not mine.

Back to reality.

Eric repeatedly casts Firebolt, shooting one bolt at a time.

‘Fwoosh!’

The spell whizzes through the air and sets the target ablaze.

After the first five dummies turned to ash, Kael set up the dummies again.

The warrior ran about setting dummies thrice total.

Out of the fifteen, Eric manages to set alight twelve targets before wheezing, with a proud smirk, “Twelve targets. How about it?”

Guy’s trying to act cool, but I can see sweat pouring down his face.

I don’t bother with any verbal jabs. “Step aside, I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He smirks and gives me a mocking bow. “By all means, go ahead.”

I take his place on the field and aim at the targets, my hand making a finger pistol.

Eric stifles a laugh, I pay him no mind as I fire off five Eldritch Motes in quick succession.

‘Zwuack!’ ‘Zwuack!’ ‘Zwuack!’ ‘Zwuack!’ ‘Zwuack!’

The motes I shot this time were much larger than my previous ones.

Back when they were level one, they were the size of a fingernail; now, they’re as large as a gumball.

Also, the multiple shot ability seems to respond perfectly to my thoughts.

If I want to shoot two targets, it does so.

Double-tap a single target? Done.

Shoot only one target? No problem.

Overall, excellent. I wonder what the next level-up for the spell will be like.

My mood is soured by the review of a high and mighty nerd: “Hmph. The destruction and spellcasting speed isn’t too shabby.

It’s superior to my Firebolts in those two aspects, but it’s just a compact cluster of mana you didn’t bother learning to properly shape. A waste of mana. Five is probably your limit.”

“Who said I can only shoot five? Bring out the next ones!”

“Got it!” Kael runs off and drags more straw dummies onto the field.

He sets up another five dummies and I take aim, blasting all of them to pieces.

“Not bad. I admit you are capable. I suppose we can have you in our group.”

“What? I’m not done yet, though.” Leaving him slack-jawed, I yell for Kael to bring in the next batch: “Another five please!”

Eric suddenly changes his tune: “Okay, that’s enough! You made your point clear! If you try to push past it, your Circuits will be permanently damaged!”

I look at him with a purposefully crafted dumbfounded look. “I’m not lying, though? Why would I be so dumb as to risk my life for something as small as a competition?”

Ignoring his words, I kept blasting dummies.

Upon demolishing the seventh wave, thrice the amount of dummies Eric destroyed, I turn to him and mockingly ask, “Should I continue? I still have plenty of spells to cast.”

“...” The mage takes a deep breath. “I take back what I said. You win. This victory is yours. I apologize for my previous discourtesy.”

Eh? Just like that? No blustering, red face, accusations of cheating, denial of reality, etc.?

I ask him about it: “I thought you’d put up a lot more resistance.”

“I’m a scholar, I believe in facts,” he scoffs. “Right now, you showed me your skill in offensive magic is superior to mine.”

“So much for the ‘I’m going to put you in your place’ speech.” Alin snickers.

Eric glares at the ranger.

“What’s with the look? You want to have a go with me as well?”

“Tch!”

She couldn’t help but prod him one more time: “Figures.”

A tad out of breath from all the dummy-carrying, Kael runs up to us: “Excellent! Now that we’ve gotten it all out of our systems, I believe we can start our quest!”

Excellent! Although I wasted an hour on this silly codpiece measuring contest, I at least got to test out the lethality of Eldritch Mote. There’s still plenty of sunlight left for a quick quest.

I ask Kael about the specifics of our little adventure: “So what request are we taking on? An investigation?”

Whatever it is, it definitely won’t be as bland as farming slime kills solo.

I’m already anticipating a fun adventure.

This’ll be like the start of a long-running D&D campaign.

His next words dash my hopes.

“We’ll be exterminating goblins!”

“Goblins?” I repeat.

“Yes!”

“In a cave?”

“Where else?”

“Dunno, an abandoned mine or fort?” I reply sarcastically.

“Ha, good one!” Kael chuckles, “There hasn’t been a goblin stronghold in decades! It’ll be easy for us aspiring adventurers!”

That sounds like a big red flag to me.

Considering their gung-ho attitude, their vigilance must be low. They’re severely underestimating the tricks those nasty greenskins can pull off.

Although they’re a weak bunch, even I wouldn’t blindly rush into a cave full of them.

Heck, I literally only ever engaged them from a distance behind a good ambush spot.

Honestly speaking, these guys might be the first to die, but that doesn’t mean I should join them.

“Shouldn’t we prepare first? Get some potions, come up with a strategy, check our equipment and whatnot?”

He goodheartedly waves off my concerns: “We’re all set! We all have potions on hand in case Serena runs out of heals for us. I’m the vanguard, you and Eric act as backliners, Alin scouts and supports wherever needed. Perfect plan! No need to wear out our brains on mere goblins!”

Normally, I'd be reassured by this solid plan. Unfortunately, I have read a good deal of fantasy novels. Including the Gob Hunter. Bloody brilliant series, by the way, absolutely recommend it, I should pick it up again some time. When I find some way to get back to Earth of course.

With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I reluctantly joined the party of four.

Our group hires a coachman. I say coachman, but it’s literally a peasant, two mules, and a board on four wheels.

The trip took us roughly an hour.

For that hour, we all listened to Kael’s inane ramblings.

By we, I mean just me and Serena.

Eric read his little magic book, Alin immediately closed her eyes and took a nap.

Serena, being the oh-so-kind clergy girl stereotype, listened to his words with undivided attention.

Leaving me, the only one being mentally tortured by our party leader’s middle schooler delusions of slaying dragons and saving princesses.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to endure his fantasies for long.

Upon arriving within five km of the request zone, we disembark and pay the driver. We ask him to stay put for a few hours.

We continue on foot through a sparse forest for about 15 minutes until arriving at the goblin cave, which is situated in a rocky region close to the mountains.

From the outside, it appears no different from a cave belonging to a large predator.

If it weren’t for the heads stuck on stakes displayed for all to see.

They’re practically screaming that monsters are living in this cave. It’s like a guy wearing a bold waifu shirt letting the whole world know he’s an otaku.

Maybe this is why people tend to look down on the little green bastards. If I were an evil vermin scoundrel who preys upon society, I’d make sure my lair is someplace inconspicuous and hard to find.

These guys must have the mental age of five-year-olds, be incredibly thick-skinned, or have no regard for their lives to be boldly inviting people to come and put them down.

Nevertheless, as a consumer of modern media and entertainment, I know full well what happens when people don’t pay attention to the traps and dirty tactics they use.

By people, I especially mean when women underestimate them and leave their backs exposed to them.

As for the reason why I specifically state women…

Let’s just say it’s not for some sexist way of thinking, rather it’s related to why goblins are an abundant species despite having a ‘high’ male population.

…

What!? It’s not like I’m the only one who read ‘one of those’ novels!

Some of you bastards probably get off on Law43 to weirder shit, maybe even literal shit! Who are you to judge!

“Hey, everything alright?”

I snap myself out of my thoughts and back to reality.

Actually, is this reality, or am I in some isekai work?

“Oi, what’s wrong?” Alin asks again.

Ah, my inner emotions from my monologuing seem to be showing on my face.

I should assuage her worries.

Hold on, what was I monologuing about?

I swear it was something unhinged, but it’s completely wiped from my memory.

Very odd.

Bah! Whatever, I’m sure it’s nothing important. “Everything’s fine, first time taking on a request with a group.”

“You seemed… on edge. ”

“I’ve fought goblins before.”

“Same here.”

“You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?”

“Probably.”

“Goblins are dumb and weak, but there’s a reason why they aren’t extinct.”

“Indeed.”

“This party might get disbanded by the end of the day. Half of us are probably going to be in body bags.”

Her eyes look at mine, “Interesting, from your display on the practice field and the condition of your clothes, you seem to have spent at most a week in this world. Yet you speak with experience.”

The heck? Is this girl secretly a long-lived elf? What’s with her way of speech?

Actually, that might not be far off considering how she conceals her face.

Is this one of those tropes where elves are frequently targeted by the underworld and slave traders for their beauty?

I don’t think it’d be a good idea to tell her I’m an expert on goblin behaviour from explicit graphic literature.

“Let’s just say it’s a hunch.”

I can’t see her expression clearly, with her hood and pull-up mask covering three quarters of her face and head. As well as hiding away her hair, I don’t

Despite most of her face being hidden, I have a vague feeling she smiled.

That or I’m dreaming.

Anyways, we proceed into the tunnel, trailing after Kael, Serena and Eric.

Since I was the only one without gear, wearing only my school uniform that’s gone two days without a wash, I am obligated to carry a torch.

Though if my suspicions are correct, Alin probably doesn’t need a torch, or do elves not have night vision?

Meh, even if she doesn’t need it, I most certainly do. My ‘Eyes of The All-Knowing’ don’t exactly come with night vision.

The party advances onward. Due to my inner-monologuing on some subject I’ve long forgotten, Alin and I trail behind a bit.

I take this opportunity as a member of the rearguard to investigate the sides of the tunnels.

Alin slows her pace to match mine, quietly observing my actions.

Slime and muck cover the stony walls. If one closed their eyes and zoned in on their smell, it’d feel like they’re in a public toilet, a downtown public toilet. Those places are absolutely rancid.

The deeper we go, the stronger and worse the smell gets.

Doing my best to ignore the smell, I continue to examine the walls until I shine my torch over a particularly shadowy part of the cave.

As I lighten up the darkened area, a branching path is revealed.

The totally-not-an-elf ranger exclaims, “A side passage hidden by shadows. Typical goblin trick.”

“Let me guess, we go down one way and the little filthy critters ambush us from behind through the other passage.”

“Indeed, it’s best to set up a trap or block it.”

“Any ideas?”

“Cave-ins are a surefire way to kill them,” she suggests. “But it’s risky.”

I shake my head. “I only have Eldritch Mote, you’ve seen the damage it can do. I think we’re going to need Eric to set up some barrier or a Glyph of Warding.”

Alin clears her throat. “Did you forget my job?”

“Ah, right. We have a Ranger, perfect.”

“Give me a few moments and I’ll have a nasty surprise for them.”

Before Alin can put her skills to use, we hear our teammates shout out from further down:

“Die!”

“AHHH!”

“Firebolt!”

Wow, they’re already having fun without us.

It seems like our little cave-dwellers didn’t forget to send some of their kin to toy with Kael and the rest of the split off party.

“Grau!” “Awr!” “Yagh!”

With the goblins almost upon us, I ask the expert, “Should I collapse the tunnel?”

“No, just blast them until you don’t hear a thing.”

I nod. “Keep an eye on the other entrance.”

Without a word, she focuses her attention on the direction our companions went.

“Aaaaagh!”

Oh, that can’t be good.

Unfortunately for our friends, we have our own skins to worry about.

Amidst the screaming that came from either Kael or Eric, I hear the pitter-patter of footsteps and disgusting growling.

Without hesitation, I unleash my spells into the narrow passage.

‘Zwuack!’ ‘Zwauck!’ ‘Zwuack!’

Shrieks ensue. It doesn’t take long for the pitter-patter and nasty gargling to completely die down.

I throw in a few more blasts for extra measure and turn to Alin. “The goblins are dead, let’s hurry and see how our buddies are faring.”

“Yes, hopefully they’re still in one piece.

We quickly rush down the main tunnel to assist our struggling comrades.

And when we get there…

The situation is looking terrible, to say the least.