Not Like Him

Ren’s murmuring dragged on.

I noticed that Ren was repeating the same thing over and over again.

It made me uncomfortable. Not just the strangeness in his actions, but also the sight of someone so tough being so broken.

I had seen and heard Ren raging at his video games before, but since middle school I hadn’t seen him cry. The last time I remembered him crying was when he dropped his ice cream on the floor during a day out at the park. It was a trivial problem at most, and easily resolved by our parents simply buying another one for him. But to a child, losing something you love, regardless of how replaceable it is, means everything.

At that moment, it was clear why he was crying. I understood why Ren appeared as he did. So I left him alone for another minute, hoping that his weeping would stop.

It only got worse.

His words transformed into booming shouts, the pain in his voice vivid and uneven.

I couldn’t let this go on.

Though I wasn’t exactly sure how to approach Ren, I tried my best to comfort him.

“Ren. Everything will be okay. Maybe you’ll feel better after eating something.”

No response.

“Come on, you said that you were hungry earlier. I know it’ll help.”

I could still hear him talking to himself as I spoke. Perhaps I wasn’t close enough for him to hear me.

As I approached Ren, Izumi appeared next to me, smiling brightly and holding one of the berries. She handed it to me and nodded, making a cheesy, upbeat noise as she did.

I blushed a little because I thought it was cute, before turning my attention back to the important matter at hand — Ren.

“Hey, Ren. Izumi got that berry you wanted. It looks tasty.”

No response. I edged closer.

“Ren? Aren’t you going to say something?”

No response again.

His silence troubled me. Was he purposefully blocking my voice from his head, or was his mind so far gone that he was unaware of his surroundings? I would have completely understood if it was the latter. After all, that was what I had been dealing with recently.

I knew exactly what Ren needed at that moment. He must’ve wanted what I desired at Junpei’s funeral — to be comfortable.

I slowly reached out for Ren from behind, leaning my hand closer towards his shoulder. My hand shook with nervousness, unable to guess what was about to come next. I thought that my touch would revive his comfort and awareness that he had Izumi and me alongside him.

I finally managed to place my hand gently on his right shoulder. His body stopped trembling and his muttering paused. This, I thought, told me that what I was doing worked. I was given a gateway to talking to Ren, and offering him the berry he desperately needed.

“It’s okay, Ren. With you leading us, there’s no doubt we–”

Ren firmly brushed my hand off of his shoulder, springing back to his feet. He huffed with disapproval and stormed off away from me. He didn’t even look at me.

A new dilemma invaded my mind, forcing me to re-assess the situation. My thinking blurred, and so I did whatever I could to keep Ren from walking away.

“Ren! Ren! Ren!” I yelled. He kept walking. The distance between us grew.

Ren didn’t respond again.

Ren’s stride was sharp and wide, each step carving a greater separation between us. He was moving so fast. Or maybe…maybe I’d been frozen, lost in my own thoughts for longer than I realised.

I tried to move, but my legs — still shaky from earlier— refused to cooperate.

Eventually, they listened.

I ran after him.

By the time I caught up, Ren was already at the jungle’s edge. His arms were tightly crossed, and his gaze stubbornly turned away from me.

He stood within the light shining down from outside, while I remained hidden in the barely-lit jungle, pleading for him to answer me.

“Ren!” I called.

No reply.

Again. “Ren!”

Nothing.

I stepped closer, hesitating just before reaching for his shoulder once more. This time, however, I put power in my tug, forcing him to turn to look at me. That’s when I saw it. His face.

Not anger.

Not even grief.

Just that terrifying, fragile silence — the kind that tells you they’ve had enough.

I knew he didn’t look like that for the same reason before. He was tired. Not of himself…not because he had lost his brother or had to risk his life to save him. He was tired of me.

He didn’t shy away from letting me know that.

“Shut up! For one damn moment, quit your stupid whining!”

I choked on my breath as he began laying into me.

“Doesn’t hearing your voice all the time disturb you as well? Jesus! It’s so annoying.”

I had nothing to say in response. I became his verbal punching bag.

“Can’t you just do what I tell you? It’s not that hard to follow simple instructions. All you have to do is wear the balls like the man you are. Oh wait— I forgot. You aren’t a man. You still need me to always hold your hand. You’re still a sorry little wimp that can’t do anything for themselves except read a book and tell someone else why they’re wrong.”

To begin with, I thought his outburst was merely a moment of rage at my act of cowardice. It quickly became far worse than that. He was letting me know what he really thought of me.

“This isn’t a place where you can breeze your way through everything. You can’t get mother to do everything for you. You have to pick yourself up and fight for yourself. What if there’s a moment where you have to fight without us, huh?”

He paused, clearly waiting for me to say something. My trembling mouth stopped me again.

“And what about Junpei? Isn’t the whole point in this to save him?”

My mouth stumbled open, but nothing came out.

“Then why are you still acting like this? If it were you who had died, Junpei wouldn’t be acting like you are. He’d pull his pants up and get on with it, knowing that what came at the end meant all of this was worth it. He–He–He would’ve actually been able to help me.”

What came next, or rather, what almost came next, felt like a bullet had pierced my chest.

“I wish–I–I wish–”

Ren turned, finally stopping his rant.

He began wiping his eyes with his right forearm, his teeth gritting sternly.

I knew what he was about to say. He didn’t have to finish his sentence for me to know what was coming.

An awkward silence struck the area.

I’m not sure if Ren felt bad, or just disliked the silence, but he didn’t let it loom for too long.

“I don’t want to hear anything else from you until we get to The Store. And when we get there, I’m doing the talking, and you’re going to stand there and say nothing. Got it?!”

I barely nodded, refusing to look him in the eye.

“Good! Now hurry up and don’t slow us down.”

I wasn’t sure what Ren meant when he said we were going to buy stuff. With what exactly? Though I was confused, I knew enough to realise this wasn’t the time for questions.

Questioning him then would’ve been irrational.