Simp Busted

“I already told you that it has nothing to do with me.”

“—Inspector, I’d appreciate it if you addressed me as Inspector,” squeaked a high-pitched voice from the young man across the table. He was as thin as a twig and sat dramatically behind a lit desk lamp.

Listen here, you little twerp! You’ve barely got peach fuzz, and you got a badge and suddenly you think you're some big shot?

“Erm, sorry. I meant to say, I already told you, inspector, that I had absolutely no idea crystaline dust was an ingredient for yfrit. I only learned about that drug a few days ago from the newspapers.”

“We can’t just take your word for it. That’s what every filthy accomplice of a drug cartel would say. Do you have an alibi?” The twig adjusted his tie with exaggerated seriousness.

“No one saw me directly when that red-haired woman came in, the one who—”

“—And what did you say her name was again?”

You bastard, you already asked me that! He just wants to make me look stupid!

“Uh, I… I don’t remember anymore.”

“Inspector.”

“…Inspector,” I muttered through clenched teeth. “She never introduced herself, but she seems to be pretty well-known. I only found out her name later from Lay from the Borat Guild. Is Lay here yet?”

“I am the one who asks, not you, Mr. Tujika,” the inspector grinned at me.

“Erm, it’s Tsujinaka, not Tujika.”

“Don’t correct me. I know what I’m saying, Mr. Tujineke. And address me as inspector.”

Shut your trap, you moron!

“Shut your trap, Haurel,” came a bored voice from next to the skinny youth. It was the other inspector. I had known he was there, but he’d barely spoken a few times so far. He was a short, older man with a large belly and a thick moustache that looked like a floor brush.

“B-but Lardy, I’m interrogating the suspect. And we shouldn’t be using such—”

“Just shut up already. Look at him. He knows nothing. Forensics even found that he was clearly drugged, which is why he doesn’t remember the second woman. We’ll wait for this Lay guy to show up and hopefully give us more details. And stop with all that inspector nonsense. I was already an inspector when you were still swimming in your daddy’s—”

The door to the interrogation room burst open, and another BSSIS officer poked his head in.

“Lay with his group just arrived. Do you want to question him?”

“Take care of it, Haurel. I’ve still got a question for Mr. Tsujinaka here.”

The young man stood up, offended, and left the room without a word. An uncomfortable silence settled in.

He wants to ask me something. What could it be? Up to now, he seemed to be on my side, but maybe he was just trying to butter me up. He definitely looked like a more seasoned inspector than that baby-faced idiot.

Lardy sat across from me, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. He was watching me intently, which made me nervous. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and let my gaze wander around the room, but there was nothing to see except bare walls. After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Wh-what do you want to ask me, inspector?”

“Enough with the ‘inspector’ stuff. You can call me Mr. Lardy.”

“R-really?” I asked, startled. Is this some kind of trick?

“Yeah, really. Because if my instincts are right, we have a lot more in common than it might seem.”

What’s that supposed to mean? Are you also a transmigrator who was exploited in a convenience store and bullied by customers, who took part in life-threatening missions to pay off a debt for some dumb redhead and then got wrongfully accused of aiding the drug trade?! I don’t think we’re all that alike.

I couldn’t help it—I said my last thought out loud.

“So, you were also arrested on unfounded suspicion of drug trafficking?”

“Yeah, something like that. Except it wasn’t a false accusation,” Lardy bellowed and shifted in his seat.

“…Excuse me?”

“Yeah, well you know. I was pretty well known in the Ychmay underground. But then I got bored of it.”

“What the hell do you mean, you ‘got bored of it’?”

“I dunno. I kept risking my neck and wasn’t even making good money. I used to deal lugh, but even back in my day that stuff was already out of fashion. Just remember, if you really want to succeed and make a real pile of money in the drug underworld, get into yfrit. You’ve got good instincts.”

Is this secret service inspector seriously giving me advice on how to succeed in the drug business?

“But the main thing, kid, the main thing… well, what would you say it is?” he prompted.

Cold sweat ran down my forehead. This has to be a trap! He wants me to say something that proves I know how the Ychmay underworld works. He’s trying to bait me!

“U-unstable income?” I blurted out in desperation.

“I already said there was no good money in that business. Something else. Something every man needs.”

“F-family?”

“Hm, real romantic, huh? No thanks. I’ve got no need for a wife with a whip standing over me all day and kids screaming at home. No other ideas? Alright, I’ll tell you. What I meant is… women.” He almost whispered the last word and winked at me.

“But wife is also a woman, right?” I dared to ask.

“C’mon, kid, screw wives. I’m not talking about some old hag who yells at me from morning till night. I’m talking about beautiful, hot women. No strings attached.”

Oh god, am I really trapped in a room with a full-blown nymphomaniac? I’m starting to be a little scared of him.

“Okay, so what you’re saying is… there just weren’t any hot women?” I tried to steer the conversation back.

“Yeah, yeah, exactly! Now you’re getting it, kid. That’s the spirit! So now I’m gonna ask you—” he leaned closer and whispered into my ear, “Were they at least a real chicks?”

For a moment, I was speechless. I blinked in disbelief a few times before stammering, “I-I don’t remember the second one, like I said.”

“Yeah yeah, but the first one? Was she hot?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, really hot, like smoking hot?”

“Yeah.”

The inspector rubbed his hands together. “Looks like hot chicks are finally getting into the drug game. Ah, if only it had been like that back when I was young. Alright, I’ve figured it out.”

“F-figured what out?” I stuttered.

“Why you got yourself into this mess. That’s exactly what I’ve been saying. You and me, we really are alike!” Lardy looked genuinely thrilled.

Don’t compare yourself to me, you perv!

“But how?” I asked, still completely lost.

“She was really hot. So… so…”

I said nothing. It was getting harder and harder for me to follow his train of thought.

“So, you were simping her, right?” He smiled at me triumphantly.

“What?”

“You were simping her,” Lardy repeated.

“N-no! What kind of idea is that!” I protested.

“Oh, come on, let’s not pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“But I really just wanted to serve the customer.”

“No, you were simping her.”

“No, I wasn’t!”

“Yeah, you were.”

“No!”

“Yeah you were.”

“No!”

“Oh yes, you did, kid! I can see it on your innocent little face! I know it—I know it!”

…

“…J-just a little… maybe,” I whispered and nearly slid under the table.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up in alarm to see inspector Lardy’s emotional face. Tears were welling up in his eyes.

“I-I’m proud of you, kid. That’s how it should be, exactly like that. I knew I saw a bit of my younger self in you. You stud! Now listen to me—I’ll get you out of this even if it costs me my life! For a deed like that, you don’t deserve jail… you deserve a medal!”