Hiroto Amakawa

"I am Hiroto Amakawa."

A boy just going with the flow. He never made any decisions; every choice in his life was dictated by someone else. It was all because he was afraid. Afraid of being wrong, scared of failing... He had friends, not close friends, but acquaintances he could spend time with. Like most guys, he didn't talk to girls—more accurately, he didn't know how.

Still, he wanted to change. He thought he had a lot of time. He kept saying, "I'll do it tomorrow," and that tomorrow never came. He remained the same. Years passed...

Now he thought he was hopeless. He couldn't do anything. He wanted to quit everything and hide in his room all day. The gazes of others frightened him.

'What a failure you are.'

'You don't even try.'

'You sit around and do nothing.'

'You just cry about your life every day.'

'Still, you couldn't take a single step.'

Those weren't anyone's words but Hiroto's own thoughts. Every day, he pretended to be alright, but inside, he was dead. He wanted to give up, but he couldn't. His parents, who had raised him, expected him to do something. How could he tell them he couldn't do it when they looked at him like that?

He wanted to cry, to rely on someone. But there was no one who could listen to him. How could they? He never talked about those things. He knew that, yet he still wanted a miracle to happen—a miracle that everyone could understand him. Then maybe he could honestly give up. But that would never happen. That meant he had to struggle until the very end.

Before he knew it, no one was around him anymore. Everyone he had known was busy with their lives. He knew they had their own lives and struggles. Why should he bother anyone with his problems? His problems were nothing compared to theirs.

But he had nothing when compared to them. They had things he didn't: intelligence, power, money, beauty, and most importantly... a voice.

XXX

Hiroto woke from his sleep with a bitter expression,

What a shitty dream that was. 

He wondered why he was trying so hard to return to his old world. He could just stay here. It wasn't like anyone was waiting for him there.

Yesterday, when he entered into nothingness, he realized how challenging it was to learn magic. He'd thought it would be a piece of cake just because he came from a modern era, assuming he would have a better understanding of it than anyone in this world. He knew it wasn't true. Like his previous life, he was nothing, and nothing had changed.

No, he corrected himself, one thing has changed. This body. He no longer looked weak or ugly; in fact, one could even say he was handsome. That brightened his mood. 

Well, at least something is good.

He got up from his bed and started getting ready for his lesson. According to Jamery, he had to enter the state of nothingness from morning to evening, until he could sense mana. Hiroto wondered why he should go to such lengths when he could already see mana. He thought about lying, pretending he could sense mana, and moving straight to real mana manipulation training. But he worried that sensing mana had a direct connection to manipulation. If that were the case, he'd be screwed.

So, Hiroto decided against lying and followed the path laid before him. He ate breakfast and reached the promised spot—the same tree as yesterday. Today, once again, he was to enter the state of nothingness.

"Will it really work?" Hiroto asked, a hint of doubt in his voice.

"Yes, I've seen it work in 60% of cases," Jamery replied calmly.

"What about the other 40%?"

"Well, they weren't able to sense anything. So they gave up on being a mage."

"Before we begin, please tell me, how long you think it will take me to sense mana?" Hiroto inquired.

Jamery thought for a while. 

"Usually it takes six to seven months, but sometimes it can take a year. So, I can't say."

"How long did Carl take?"

"He did it in two months. That was an exceptional case."

Hiroto was impressed by Carl.

"You don't need to worry about him," Jamery advised. "Just go at your pace; don't rush things."

Hiroto nodded and closed his eyes. And the next moment, he lost his senses in nothingness. Hiroto tried everything, but to no avail. 

He tried concentrating hard. In the next run, he relaxed his body as much as he could. Next, he thought of getting lost in the darkness, and he even fell asleep that time. He even did something ridiculous, like counting numbers while in that state.

Hiroto did it every day. This wasn't physically challenging, but it was taxing his mental health. He started reading books at night because he couldn't sleep. He was always in a sleep-deprived state whenever he went to practise.

Jamery was worried about his mental health. So, he asked Hiroto to take a break. But Hiroto insisted on continuing. 

Like that, 18 days had passed, and there was no clue how to sense mana. He even asked Jamery for more explanation. Jamery always said that he had to feel it himself, that his words wouldn't be of any help. Hiroto even thought that Jamery wasn't teaching him properly, and it was his father's plan to make him quit.

The truth was that he did want to quit. Still, he kept going. What was pushing him? His goal is to go home? Hemal's old memories that told him how worthless he was? His desire to learn magic like others?

No, it was none of these. Hiroto remembered his life on Earth. How he was just an empty husk, giving up on the slightest problem because he didn't want to hear criticism. He knew he was wrong in doing so, yet he did nothing about it. He saw his parents getting older, worried about him and his future, while he did nothing and always ran away from his problems. He thought Hemal and Hiroto were the same, but from two different worlds.

Hiroto wanted everyone to hear him, understand him... But he could never do so in his life. He thought if he gave up now, nothing would change; he would remain the same, always running away.

In those 18 days, Hiroto only knew two places: his room and the training grounds. On the 19th day, his father called him. Fred asked about his progress, but Hiroto knew it was a formality; he was there for another reason. And he was right.

"Stop your training for the next two months," Fred commanded.

Hiroto expected something, but not this. 

"Why?" he asked.

"Carl and Emma's wedding date has been decided."

Hiroto realized he'd forgotten entirely about the marriage. He'd avoided it during the banquet, but now he had to attend the wedding too. He wasn't worried about what others would say, but didn't want to stop his training now. He desperately wanted to sense mana as soon as possible.

Fred observed Hemal, noticing the eye bags under his eyes. 

"I know you've been working hard. Take this time to relax a little," Fred said. He paused for a moment. "Although I won't call it a rest. Carl isn't here yet and won't be until the New Year. We want them to get married during that time. Since you're the only son in the estate right now, you need to handle things in your brother's stead."

Is this his way of making me Carl's right-hand man? Hiroto wondered.

"Understood," Hiroto replied.

"We only have a month left until New Year. Time is short, I hope you understand that."

Hiroto nodded. He left his father's room and went straight to the training grounds. He thought maybe he could try it today and start the preparations tomorrow. Although Hiroto didn't know what to prepare, he left that part for his future self to worry about.

Jamery had been waiting for him at the training grounds. Hiroto explained what his father had told him.

Jamery smiled at Hiroto and asked, "So, today will be your last time?"

"Well, technically, not the last time," Hiroto said.

Jamery chuckled. "Let's get started then."

As always, Hiroto lay down with his eyes closed. He'd tried many things over the past few days, but wanted to try something else today. Once he entered the state of nothingness, he looked at his surroundings through his mana vision.

As he saw through mana vision, he saw white mana moving all around him, but it didn't touch him. He felt like oil in water. He sensed something on his back, but when he looked, there was nothing. He felt like someone was watching him from all sides, a creepy feeling he didn't like. He rubbed his arms, trying to calm his nerves.

But he was sure of it: he could now feel mana. He understood how Jamery had created this area of nothingness—he'd made a void. A void that could deflect light, eliminate sound. Hiroto was also floating in the air, so he couldn't feel anything physically.

He saw Jamery through his mana vision. He was reading a book and wasn't even paying attention. Hiroto called out to him, but nothing came out. Nothing could go inside, and nothing could escape either. Hiroto shouted, but Jamery didn't hear a thing. Hiroto had no choice but to wait.

Hiroto thought he should experiment in the meantime. He closed his mana vision, and he was right: he could still sense the mana. The feeling was still foreign to him. He wanted to manipulate the mana. He tried to do so, thinking there must be a trick to it, but everything he tried yielded no results. Soon, it was evening, and Jamery released him from the void.

"How do you manipulate mana?" Hiroto asked the moment he was out. "I know the key is willpower, but what do you do to make it happen?"

Jamery wasn't expecting a question, but he answered, "Mages need to find a hook and trap mana in it."

After hearing those words, the first thing that came to Hiroto's mind was fishing. He thought learning magic wasn't as straightforward as he had initially hoped.