Disparaging Ego of the Tempest [Part 1]

Valaquendë, Írui, Elros, and I safely returned to the mansion from our shopping trip. We arrived just in time for dinner that Nel and Vahaemarr prepared for us. The meal was way more toned down from the celebratory dinner we had last night. I still like the way this meal looked. I do wonder though if they based the dinner on whether or not Vapula is going to join us. That would make sense. If I was making a meal for an important person, I would make the best food I can.

It was late evening, I finally returned to my room. My new space to fully examine my thoughts and ideas. My personal harbor of privacy. With that in mind, I was alone in my room so I stripped down naked and readied my bath for the first time. This was probably the longest I’ve gone without a bath or even cleaned myself. Which was surprising, because back in Japan I couldn't bathe very often because it was too expensive to use that much water every day. So, once I moved to Stanford it was pretty common for me to take a bath almost every day.

“haaaaah...”

I let out a long winded sigh of comfort as soon as I submerged myself in the bath.

This was perfect. Unfortunately, I still wanted to take this time to think while I’m bathing. On the way back, I was making a small checklist for myself for the rest of the evening and tomorrow. Gather all of my belongings and decide what to keep and what to burn in the fireplace in my room. I had to further diminish any possible suspicion. I got new clothes so I first burned my old ones. Next were the textbooks along with papers for my classes, no need for those, I memorized everything in them anyway. Then my cell phone, no one to call. Lastly, the backpack, I can just get a new one.

“Oh, that’s new.” I mumbled.

I looked over my body and noticed a mark or symbol on my inner thigh. Things that keep happening that I cannot explain. This is kind of starting to get overwhelming. This is my life now, I suppose.

Be that as it may, pretty much the only things I saved were blank notebooks, pens, and pencils. And, two things that were sentimental. Both gifts from my friends. My watch and my iPod. I was kind of mad that I couldn’t bring myself to burn them. The watch served its purpose. The iPod was out of battery. I then got mad at myself for getting mad at myself… It's so frustrating when I try to understand insurmountable riddles that my mind creates each and every day.

“I miss music.”

“No more Bjork… No more Nirvana.”

“Whatever…”

“I had much to think about.”

I realized that I could still use a different name. An alias, so to speak. Only seven people in this world are aware of my real name, and that seems to be relatively harmless. I might bring it up when I get the chance to have a conversation with Vapula. I'll just mention to him that we should all have aliases. Again, because he is planning something, so I'm sure he'll like this idea. I should try to talk to him soon. It’s basically impossible to know what the man is thinking unless I confront him.

I got out of the bath, dried myself, put on the new nightgown I got, and sat on my bed. I then started to brush my hair. To help me think.

I unfortunately didn't get as much studying as I would have like too. I recognized that it wasn’t much of a hindrance. I believe I’ll have plenty of time to research. This is depending on what motives Vapula is hiding. And as long as I don’t neglect studying; I tend to procrastinate if I know I have a lot of time. Vapula likely won’t do anything for a while, but I should still prepare myself for plans he wants to undertake.

All I’ve been able to gather from him is small details and that he is likely very old. The fact that there are only seven members gives me a few ideas. Those don’t give me any useful ideas for what is in the future. This mansion says a little bit about who he might be. Hasn’t revealed his rank. That’s interesting. 72 Infernalior. I figured there were probably at least a few dozen of these Infernalior, but 72? Where are all of them? How similar are they to Vapula?

I wonder how much Valaquendë knows?

“Hahhh…”

I’ve been sighing a lot this evening. I should get to bed anyway. I have a lot of research to get done.

I rolled into my bed with my legs close to my chest. I then slowly caressed my nude legs.

My legs are soft…

So smooth…

I like the way they feel…

⧫⧫⧫

This is now my normal. Once again, I awoke early in the morning. Still dark, but I know I got seven hours of sleep. For today’s priority, I need to fully establish my origin. The basis of it is that I’m an aspiring cartographer from a small village. Fabricating my origin will be the easy part. The hard part will be validating that all of this information is reliable and up-to-date, as well as no conflicting sources of other information. Saying all this makes me think like I’m a spy or something.

“Hah… Damnit.”

That’s something I should keep in mind too. I don’t want to be mistaken for some kind of secret agent for another Infernalior. Who knows what would happen if I was accused of something like that? I would have zero evidence to support my case. It would most certainly be the end for me.

Just one more thing.

Before I can even begin to contemplate all of that.

I must straighten my new bed.

⧫⧫⧫

In the library, I’ve been studying for about six to seven hours. This day was likely the most productive one I’ve had so far. No one interrupted me, zero distractions. I made a pretty believable background for myself. Not only that, to make it all appear as natural as possible, I even gave my friends fake names and origins too. I’ve learned a great deal about this world as well as some of the history involving the Infernalior.

I first learned the names of everyone's species. Elros is indeed a Engwar, and myself too unfortunately. Valaiar are ones with the horns, so that includes Vahaemarr, Aeryvon, and Nelaemala. The ones with the elf ears have an interesting lore. They don’t have a single name that they all would call themselves. Instead, they seem to be segregated purely based on the shape of their ears. There are two main groups: Quenya and Sindarin, along with a few subgroups too, but they aren’t as populated as the first two. I don’t know for sure, but based on how pronounced Valaquendë’s ears are she might be Quenya which makes me wonder if Írui is Sindarin based on how much smaller hers are. I’m sure I’ll learn their exact details with time.

The information I’ve gathered about the Infernalior wasn’t as useful as I hoped. The most interesting information I found is that names seem to play a very important role for all Infernalior. At first it was confusing to understand how their names functioned, but then I discovered that the names of an Infernalior are just the names of their current rank. So, they give themselves the names of the rank they are currently in, and for some reason they just name their Guild after that rank as well. Knowing this, some other details started to make more sense. Most Infernalior have two to three names, as well as different types of names. That is because they must need a way to distinguish themselves from the others that were in the same rank at some point. One that they call their Eternal Name which is the rank that they’ve maintained for 66 or more years. Another one is their Honorary Name which is the name of the rank they just achieved.

"Too many questions. And too much time.” I sighed trying to calm myself, then slouched in my chair.

The air was at rest in the library.

Silent.

Exactly how all libraries should be.

Horrifyingly quiet, absent from the world, devoid of interruption.

As I was writing, I placed one hand on my face. The spot on my face began to shake, from my hand visibly trembling with frightening intensity. The air is transforming into unbearable heat. I then realized that it is from my breathing, building with every second, becoming heavier and hotter from each exhale. I started to feel like someone discarded me into a pit of fire, as if I were dead undergrowth. My other hand started to shake which caused my handwriting to turn chaotic. I quickly dropped my pen, because my vision was morphing to only recognize one color. I placed both hands over my face with the hope of disposing these obnoxious shades of Maroon, Crimson, and Scarlet.

“GRRRRRRR!!!"

I NEEDED TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!

I NEEDED TO PULL MY HAIR OUT!

I NEEDED TO DESTROY EVERY BOOK!

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Damn! it!!! What is even going on!!!

I don't know why I’m doing all of this worthless studying!

Committing so much to something I know nothing about!

What’s the point!?!

How do I even know this is all real?!

Am I afraid of something?!

My discovery?!

Failure?!

Death?!

Or do I see my situation as a fresh start at a new life?!

Maybe that's just how my brain works?!

Going over every meticulous detail like always! Just another meager excuse to gain some type of control over my Worthless Life!

Maybe if my purpose was clear in this world and why I was even brought here!

I wouldn’t get so damn frustrated!!!!

You know what? Screw it! I should just go talk to Vapula right now. I’m going to get as much information as I can!!!

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…0”

“…7”

“14”

“21”

“28”

“Focused breathing…”

“35… 42… 49… 56…”

“What else?”

“I’ll be okay… Just relax… I don’t have to be here…”

God, these words are useless…

“The texture of the book… Um, matted, a little rough, not very worn. Every page feels new, or just unused. Uhh… All the books have deep colors… This one is a dark green…”

This sensation I have. Has taken me somewhere I hate.

As if I awoke in the heartless arctic, with the exception of my body, sweating harshly. It’s like someone is forcing burning coals inside my body, while the frigid, sharp air not only scrapes my skin, but every micrometer of my lungs as well. I can feel every cold irritating particle enter me in every breath. My heart was punching my ribcage so much so I just wanted it to explode just so it would stop. My stomach is caught in my throat. I thought of forcing myself to vomit: all for the purpose of replacing this irritable sensation in my throat with anything else. I couldn't care less what came out of my body if I did: blood, bile, an entire organ. I wanted this to end. Now… Just the thought of moving ached my body.

I hate when I get like that: It always ruins my entire day.

Normally, when I have these episodes, I would go talk to one of my friends. But… That’s no longer possible.

Now I’m forced to sit here, wrenched over my dead notes. Clasping onto my abdomen with one hand, as my other on my head, so that I didn’t inhale my disorderly hair.

Valaquendë was calming for me that one time.

Maybe I can talk to her for a little bit… Maybe.