Jason: Let's Talk About the Cold

After Alice went to bed I started on the dishes. Aiko decided to stick around for a while, unfortunately. She said she wanted to catch up, but all she’d done was stare out the window. She might've been lying, maybe Aiko just wanted to mess with Alice. Her tone was a little weird when she told Alice that she wanted to catch up.

But maybe she did have something to talk about. The way she’s looking out the window, there was some intensity to it. I’ve rarely seen her this serious. Normally she’s very upbeat but no one can stay happy forever. Looks like it finally caught up to her.

I wonder what’s going through her head right now.

“Aiko.”

…

No answer. She just continued to stare, chin rested on her hand, as if she was bored in class. “Aiko!” I said even louder.

She turned to me, startled, like I’d just jump-scared her or something. “Oh, what’s up?”

“So, what did you want?” She tilted her head at me as if I said something completely random. “You said you wanted to catch up?”

“Oh yeah, that.” She tapped a finger to her lip, looking up in thought. “Hm, what should we talk about?”

…

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Yes?” … “No?” … “Wait, about what?”

“You can leave now.”

“Wait, no need to be cruel now. Can’t I stay a little longer?”

I sighed, “Yeah sure, but if you got nothing to do just go home.”

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you about Alice.”

“Are you just trying to tease me again?”

"No..." she looked over to the side, trying to hide her smirk. "Well maybe a little."

"Whatever, just tell me what you want?"

“So, how do you feel about her?”

“I mean…" I thought for a moment. Before this, I've never looked into our relationship so I couldn't give her a proper answer. All I could tell her is, "she’s a good friend I guess.”

“That’s it?” Aiko stood up from the table and walked over to me. “That’s all you feel towards her.” Bit by bit, she slowly leaned in. She looked eager, like she didn’t believe me and was waiting to pry out more.

“Back off,” I said. “And yes, that’s all.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “Well, that’s disappointing.” She walked back to the table and plopped down onto the chair. She rested her head on the table like she'd came home from a long day of work. “I had hoped that there was a lot more to it.”

“What, why?”

“Well, it’s because you seemed different recently. I thought she would’ve been the cause. Oh wait, I know,” she immediately sat up. “You just haven’t realized it yet. Tsk tsk, Jason. You are quite inexperienced are you?”

Aiko pointed a finger upward, wearing a smug grin. I just stared at her, slightly disgusted. “Yeah, I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Hey, don't be rash now,” she planted her face back down onto the table. “But tell me, do you feel happier when you’re around her?” Her tone shifted. What was once upbeat and mocking now sounded serious and sincere.

Aiko started acting a little off. Maybe it was her tone, or the atmosphere she gave off, but something felt strange. Well, I guess it wasn't entirely strange. People are allowed to feel tired or sad—but not her, that's probably why this feels weird. I wasn't thinking that she's not allowed to be sad but something about her tells me that she refuses to feel that way. It might be because I've known her for so long, so I could notice this about her. Whenever she's upset, she smiles. No matter how sad, angry, or hurt she is, it’s always that same smile.

Honestly, it’s kind of creepy. As if she’s a doll with a fixed expression, unable to feel anything else but the smile she was made with. Thinking back, I’ve never seen her cry. Even as a kid, if she got hurt or something bad happened, she’d just brush it off. She used to say things like, “It could be worse,” or, “As long as I’m alive, it’s fine.” I thought it was weirdly optimistic, but I guess that’s just how she copes.

Her tone was oddly serious so it felt like I had to give her a real answer. “To be honest, I don’t know. She’s the type of person who would always need help and would always be in some kind of trouble. I guess it makes me feel good to help her.”

“Wow, you’re her knight in shining armor,” she said, still facedown on the table. Her tone was a little sarcastic so I didn’t tell her it was a compliment. “But,” she continued, “that does mean you feel happier around her right?”

“I mean, I guess so.”

"Even when you're not helping her, do you feel happier around her?"

"I-I think so."

“Do you ever feel that kind of happiness when you’re alone?”

“I—”

Her question threw me for a loop, I couldn't come up with an answer. The more I thought about it, the more I realized something. When I’m alone, I don’t really feel anything good or bad. It’s just like I’m there. It’s not like I’m emotionless or anything, like I’ll laugh when I see a funny video, but after I scroll I just go right back into feeling… plain. 

Does Aiko feel like this, is this why she’s asking me all of these questions?

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t know what to say. I just wanted to know if having someone by your side would make you feel better." She said, still having her face down on the table. "Something tells me that you’re the type of person that would do tasks to make them feel distracted. But who knows, having that one special person could be an exception.”

“Wow, aren’t you a therapist?” I said, sarcastic. Still, her words hit harder than I expected. I do try to take on as many tasks as possible, mostly because I like feeling useful around the house. But maybe I was instinctively distracting myself. “But how’d you figure that out?”

“Well, we’re similar in a way.”

“Ew. No.”

She sat up and laughed. Her laugh—it didn’t feel natural. I mean it sounded normal but something about it felt artificial. Fake. “You’re so funny Jason.” She suddenly stops. “I say that because I enjoy distracting myself too.”

“By cooking?”

"Yeah? How’d you know?”

“We've known each other for awhile, I'm bound to pick up on things you enjoy.”

“Well, I haven't done much of it ever since…” Aiko let out a cough. “Uhm, ever since we met.” I could tell she was hiding something. That suspicious cough along with how odd she’s been acting, there’s no way I wouldn’t pick up on it. Even so, I won’t pry. As much as I want to help, something tells me that I should stay away from this one.

“Why?” I asked. 

“It’s because I have so much fun while doing it.”

“Huh? Shouldn’t you keep doing it because you have fun?”

“No.” Her tone was sharp. “I can’t. It’s wrong for me to have that much fun while cooking. Especially when he’s…” She took a deep breath. “Ahem. I’ll leave it off as a cliff hanger there.”

“If there’s something troubling you then I can help.” Even though everything was telling me to back off I wanted to help. No, it was more like I needed to help. Maybe it wasn't for her sake but mine.

“It’s nothing. There’s no trouble over here.” She flashed a grin and pointed both thumbs at herself. 

I’ve known her long enough to know that wasn’t true. Her smile could fool anyone—but not me. Not when her eyes looked like that. They told a different story. Like she was one wrong word away from crying.

But at the end of the day, I can’t force her to talk. Normally I would want to help but I knew I couldn't get through to her. I know she’s strong though, strong enough to deal with it on her own. After all, she’s never cried for as long as I've met her.

“Well,” she stood up. “Looks like it’s time I got going.”

“Alright, I'll see you then.”

…

“No goodbye?”

“Bye.”

Aiko walked over to the door and waved at me, still smiling. "Ba-bye now."

Wait, how is she going to get home?

I rushed over to Aiko before the could close the door, “You aren’t walking home are you?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Are you serious?”

“Completely?”

“It’s late right now.”

…

“Meaning it’s dangerous to walk out alone.”

“Oh. Don’t worry about me. My apartment is like a quick walk from here. Maybe like fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes is not a quick walk. Here," I grabbed onto her wrist and walked out of the door. "Let me walk with you.”

“You really can't help yourself, can you?” she mumbled.

“What’d you say?”

“Oh nothing. Just thinking about how Alice might get the wrong idea.”

I swear, it did not sound like she was saying that.

“Wrong idea about what?”

"Wow, you're dense."

"You shouldn't insult me when I'm helping you out."

"Yeah, yeah."

As soon as we started walking, she pulled her arm away. "I'm not a child. You don't have to keep holding on to me."

"Oh yeah, sorry about that."

"It's fine, I know you're only trying to be useful."

After that, we stayed quiet. The walk back to her apartment felt awkward. Usually, she’d be yapping about something random while I tuned her out. But now, it was silent. Like she was somewhere else entirely. It was a long walk back so I couldn't help but notice that it was cold. It was early fall, so the chill made sense, but today felt colder than it should’ve. I wondered if it was bothering her. Not that it mattered; she’d just brush it off with something like, “It could be colder.”

“You know,” Aiko said. “Today... it’s the anniversary of my dad’s death.”

“What?” 

“Yup, crazy right?”

“What are you doing here with us then?”

“I always visit his grave the day after the anniversary,” she said, staring off into the distance. “I just... didn’t want to deal with my mother this year.” She glanced at me. “You know how it is, right?”

“Yeah, sure. But why are you telling me this?”

“Just a little fun fact I guess. And tell Alice I’ll be too busy to help her cook tomorrow. Just… don’t go into too much detail with her, okay? She seems like the type to be worried over me. It’s not worth worrying over.”

“Alright then.” I said quietly.

We walked the rest of the way in silence. Once we reached Aiko’s apartment, I didn’t stick around, there wasn’t much left to say. But before I could leave, she teased me about Alice one more time. Of course she did. She just couldn’t help herself.

Maybe I should’ve let her walk home alone and risk getting mugged.

The walk back was quiet, colder than before. I kept thinking about what we talked about back at the apartment. But every time Alice would pop into my head, the air felt warmer somehow.

When I got back to the apartment, I saw Alice on the couch. She was sitting on the far end of the L-shaped sectional, her back to the door, earbuds in, scrolling on her phone. The screen was practically pressed to her nose, like she was focusing on something important. That was probably why she hadn’t noticed me walk in. She was supposed to be asleep, so I wondered what she was doing out here.

I walked over to Alice and peaked over her shoulder.

There’s no way.

Alice was watching cat videos. I couldn't believe that cat videos were keeping her up. She was watching cat videos with such intensity too, it was kind of funny. No one should look that serious watching cat videos. But I didn’t know that she liked cats that much.

I tapped her on the shoulder. “Hey.”

She jumped, “Oh it’s just you,” then she took off her earbuds. “Don’t sneak up on people like that, it’s creepy.”

“Oh sorry. But why are you still awake?”

“Oh.” She looked down at her phone, which was still playing the cat video. “I just wanted to make sure you got back safely.”

It’s my fault she’s staying up then.

“That’s all?”

“Y-yeah.” She still kept her eyes down. “Can’t I be worried about you?”

Hearing that felt weird, but in a good way. Maybe it was the way she said it. Something about her awkwardness, how she hesitated, made it kind of charming. Or maybe it was nice to have someone worry about me. It felt nice, it felt warm.

Still, I didn’t want her to waste her energy on that. I’d rather her sleep than be worried about me. “Sorry for keeping you up then. But you don't have to worry about me, I’d rather—“

“No can do.” She cut me off. “I’ll worry about you, whether you like it or not.” She kept her head down but I could see her smile. It was slight but gentle.

“By the way,” she said while fiddling her thumbs. “What’d you two talk about?”

Oh, she’s just really nosy. No wonder she stayed up.

“Nothing important—I think.” Thinking back, I couldn’t remember what we talked about. Then it suddenly popped into my head.

“But tell me, do you feel happier when you’re around her?” Aiko’s voice echoed in my head. At the moment, I didn't fully understand her question. But now, having Alice right here in front of me; I couldn't help but feel a little nervous.

I turned away from her. “Oh uh, it’s nothing. Nothing important.”

“You’re lying,” she looked up at me. “I can see it on your face.”

“N-no I’m not.” The more I denied it the more she leaned it. I held up my hands trying to block her from getting any closer.

She finally backed off and sat back down, “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me.” She looked a little sad. I wasn't sure if it was because she knew I was lying or not. “But lying to me is bad, so you owe me.”

“Owe you?”

“Yup.” She crossed her arms and looked off to the side.

I let out a sigh, “What do you want me to do then?”

She looked back down at her phone with her face slightly red. “Let’s watch a movie,” she mumbled.

I blinked. “Right now?”

She nodded, a little too fast. “Y-yeah.”

“Do you know how late it is?”

“It’ll be fine…” she finally looked up at me. “Just a short movie won’t hurt.”
Her face was still red, and the words came out like they cost her. I hesitated because of how exhausted she looked. It looked like she’d just come back from a war. Alice was definitely not the type of person to stay up late. “Aren’t you tired?” I asked.

“No,” she yawned. “Not at all…”

“And you call me the liar.”

“I-I’m not lying.” She immediately flexed her right arm. “Look how not tired I am.”

“You’re not even speaking properly.”

“Well, that’s because I’m tired.”

“See?”

“I mean… uh…”

Normally I would’ve just told her  “no.” and that we had class in the morning but something about that night felt different. Maybe I was in the mood for a movie after all.

I sighed, “Fine.”

Alice put on a random movie, some Christmas thing, for whatever reason. She was probably too tired to care and just clicked the first thing she saw. Maybe I should’ve said no to the movie after all.

After she set the remote down, she sat beside me, a lot closer than usual. It made me nervous, though I wasn’t sure why. I’m usually calm around her, but something about her felt... off that night. Not in a bad way, just different. Like the air between us had shifted, and I didn’t know what to do with it.

“Don’t complain when you can’t wake up tomorrow, okay?”

“Hey,” she ignored my question, “Can you scoot in, it’s kind of cold?”

Did she seriously just ask that? Can’t she see that we’re already close?

It made me slightly embarrassed, being this close to her. But we only had one blanket on the couch. 

Maybe, I'm just overthinking things.

“Y-yeah, sure.”

She yawned and let her head fall against my shoulder, “A-Alice, are you okay?”

“T-this makes up for you walking with Aiko.” she mumbled.

“W-what?” When I looked down at her, I saw that her eyes were closed.

Was she sleeping? Wait, the movie is just starting, she can’t fall asleep now. And not here of all places.

“But tell me, do you feel happier when you’re around her?” Aiko's voice came back into my head. Suddenly I could feel my face getting hot. I didn’t know if it’s from Alice leaning on me or what Aiko said. But I do know that I need to stop talking to Aiko.

Looking at Alice right now though, she seemed so peaceful. I could feel her head on my shoulder. There was some weight but not enough to cause discomfort. It actually felt nice. As she slept I could feel her every breath. It was steady. It was calm. It was peaceful. For some reason, it put me at ease.

I could fall asleep right now…

Even though I was hesitant at first, I was happy that I did it. Watching the movie and being this close to her, it felt nice. Even if we didn’t make it through the movie. Now, everything felt warm.