Chapter 4:

Existential Crisis

Magical, Mystical, Mundane


I drifted in a void, aware of nothing but myself. I had no body, memories of only a scant few minutes after dropping into an unfamiliar world, and a form that I knew instinctively was incomplete. Something was missing around me.

The flesh and bones of my soul that were meant to encase my conscious self were collapsing in on themselves. More and more of what was me, nestled deep within the entirety of my soul, was being exposed to the endless void. Fear gripped me, that I would unravel into the nothingness, but a touch of solidity from beyond my senses made contact, and I latched onto it for stability.

As if waiting for just that, I was suddenly enveloped, my own collapsing flesh melding with it, reinforced far beyond what I needed to stay whole. After it settled, it felt as much mine and part of me as anything else ever had, but just as I thought it was over and my fears extinguished, I was further enveloped. A new layer formed, one that was not quite me, but was mine, a sturdy shell, ready to protect or lash out at my will. Just as I began marvelling at it, my entire being was yanked back by my innermost self, like a rope binding the core of my soul directly to my physical body. As I merged back, my awareness shifted from my soul to my unconscious body, and everything faded.

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"What in the hells happened that needed three phoenix downs?!" An exasperated, female voice broke through the drowsy haze of waking from a deep sleep, the memories of whatever dream I experienced already fading. "It took me days to brew that batch, with all the work I got, and more than half is gone within hours of me leaving it here for you!"

"I may have messed up slightly, and was simply generous in fixing it," a seemingly non-pertrubed Eloise replied, "I already paid you for them, so it shouldn't be a problem how I use them, right?"

"The problem is you were doing something that needed three potions potent enough to regrow limbs and reattach severed heads between two people!"

"I didn't realize you had made them that potent. They may have been a tad overkill for what they were used for." Eloise assured with a dismissive handwave from the chair she was lounging in as I opened my eyes, "There is nothing life-threatening you need to worry about."

The unknown speaker was a young woman draped in a deep gray, ankle-length hooded robe. Her hands were covered in black gloves, and a leather satchel was slung over her shoulder. She had rather pale skin and a fair complexion, as far as I could see from my vantage under her hood, and a monocle adorned her right eye.

"Care to enlighten me, then, what exactly you used them for?" The woman impatiently stared down Eloise with her arms crossed.

"Cleansing for a soul realignment, and then to fix the result of it failing."

"Failing? But a rejection-"

"Sometimes high potency can do more harm than good," Eloise interjected, "The rejection was about as intense as the potion was strong."

"They were for you to use! Don't tell me you also fed him a mana potion. Is that what the third health potion was used for?"

"Not exactly, but speaking of which, are you sure you aren't overestimating me? That mana potion felt like it was going to burn a hole straight through me."

There was a brief moment of silence before the newcomer spoke up again.

"Which of the two batches did you drink?"

More silence followed as the robed woman waited for a response, which Eloise seemed hesitant to give as she eyed the empty vials strewn on her desk.

Eloise mentioned this alchemist is her former apprentice, if I remember right. I wonder how long ago that was, with how the roles seem to have reversed, and whether they are both as old as they appear, considering this is a fantasy world.

My musings were interrupted by the alchemist snatching one of the vials from the desk, seemingly having caught onto the meaning of the gaze, and taking a smell of the dredges. This was followed by a heavy, weary sigh.

"More like underestimated, if just a wiff didn't knock you off your feet. I used Zera's blood in brewing it," she said in a suddenly much more subdued manner, almost defeated, "Speaking nothing of the mana density, it was, quite literally, not meant for mortal consumption."

"Well, uh," came the sheepish response from Eloise, along with a shrug, "I guess she took mercy upon me. As expected of our benevolent, local Goddess."

Their conversation was then cut short as I stirred to get to my feet, causing them both to turn their attention to me with apparent surprise.

"Would you look at that, not even an hour has gone by since you passed out. I was expecting multiple, if not an entire day, before you woke up," Eloise remarked while rising and striding over, seemingly looking both at and through me, "I hope that is a good sign."

I can somehow feel I am being looked at, more than just physically. By that monocle, too.

It was a truly alien sensation, a sense I have never owned before, impossible to describe in words but incredibly clear in what the feeling conveyed.

"That feels weird. Are you looking at my soul or something?" I inquired to make sure, even though I felt oddly confident that I knew that was precisely what was happening.

A grin broke across Eloise's face as she turned back to her former apprentice, "See, worked even better than expected," before turning back to me, "You'll get used to it, think of it as being both a little sensitive right now, and lacking callousness gained from use and interactions. Of course, there is more to it than just that, but one thing at a time. Feeling fine otherwise?"

The headache was gone, with no dizziness or other symptoms, but my memories remained locked away in a dreamy, half-remembered haze, requiring effort to bring forth specific details. But they had seemingly stopped fading, which was a relief, and finally allowed for my thoughts to wander a bit more freely without that worry hanging over my head.

"Physically, never better," I replied confidently, "Spiritually as well, in a way. But my memories are still distant, half forgotten."

"I have a theory regarding that, not a pleasant one, unfortunately," Eloise admitted, turning serious as she leaned back against a nearby table, hands resting on its edge, "Your previous memories only existed within your physical body, your brain. Your soul did not exist before arriving here, so it lacked all of your previous memories, even in an immature and half-formed state. A blank slate. The reason as to why not having a fully formed soul is dangerous is that your body will begin to deteriorate to match it, which is most likely what caused your memories to begin fading. By maturing your soul, it essentially does the reverse, matching your physical self in all ways but the mind. When we refer to the mind, it specifically means the portion of your soul directly linked to your brain, like a non-physical extension of it, that allows communication between the body and soul. Those old memories don't exist in your mind, but you are forming new memories of recalling them, effectively turning them into memories of memories. This is such a unique case that there is no known fix, but there is a rather simple solution, and that would be to return to your reality where souls don't exist, so the memories of your mind don't interfere."

"That sounds like the inverse of astral projecting," the cloaked girl chimed in, before raising her gloved hand in greeting, "I'm Ilena, apologies for all that Scarlet has put you through."

Scarlet? Is Eloise her last name, then?

Eloise, or rather Scarlet, as it was fitting considering her hair color, shot daggers at Ilena with her glare, her name seemingly being a sensitive topic.

I'd rather play it safe and stay on the good side of the person who can send me back. That was a lot to unpack.

"I'm Elliot, pleasure to meet you," I expressed while getting to my feet, "So long as I have a way back, this is an experience worth all the trouble, so I wouldn't hold it against her. I might even be thankful by the end of it."

Going back to where I came from and belonged felt like the right choice, as it was what I would have wanted as the person I used to be. However, there was a definite disconnect between what I know I should be feeling and what I currently do.

I'm not exactly myself right now. But I know myself well enough to know what I would be feeling normally. Am I still me? Do I really want to go back?

I was surprised by how indifferent I felt about the choice. This was a magical world, but I knew nothing about it. It was an extreme version of the hypothetical scenario of what would happen if I were to move countries while leaving everything - possessions, social connections, and even education - behind.

I definitely have entertained that thought before. With magic existing, who knows how useful any of my knowledge would even be here?

Going back to my old life, while it was a little rough, I had an established path from years of hard work. I was sure to sorely miss modern amenities and entertainment. Restoring my memories properly would be the correct thing to do for myself as well. It was the wise choice.

There was the apparent appeal of magic in staying here, but it all ultimately came down to me simply not knowing nearly enough of where I was now, what this world was like as a whole, or what potential my future would hold.

And so I resolved myself to use every moment available to me to fully immerse myself, excitement at living out a fantasy life bubbling within me.

I'm going to learn magic, no matter what!

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