Chapter 33: Standing Between Confessions and Goodbyes (V)

Her door was locked.

I didn’t hesitate.

I kicked, once, twice—on the third try, my shoulder slammed into it and the flimsy lock gave way with a horrible crack. The frame splintered. I crashed through, tripped on the debris, and hit the floor hard.

Pain exploded in my side and knees. I felt something twist in my ankle, a heat blooming in my wrist. My palms burned against the shattered wood. I groaned, breathless, staring up at the ceiling. The fluorescent light flickered.

Thunder roared above me.

But I wasn’t allowed to rest. Not now.

“Move…” I whispered, willing my limbs to work. “Move…please, move…”

I hated this weak and fragile body—always powerless when it mattered most.

“MOVE!!!”

I screamed and limped forward.

I’d never prayed before.

But now I was pleading to gods I didn't believe in—to chance, to the universe, to anyone.

Something.

Anything.

Give me the strength to reach her.

And something did.

I got up with a growl, stumbled through the ruined door and toward the balcony.

The wind howled like a beast outside. The sliding glass was open, the curtains fluttering madly, making me see clearly the woman that gave me every reason to live another day, end herself tonight.

“Kousaka!” I screamed.

“—NO! DON'T!”

She leapt.

“AKARI!”

One arm.

I can feel it.

I caught her.

My fingers wrapped around her wrist.

Barely.

My breathing, feverish.

Rain.

Sweat.

Pain.

Time seemed not to move forward at all.

“I told you…that I'd jump with you, right? Idiot.” I wheezed.

The night was so loud, yet somehow…it was silent between us.

We were staring at each other for a while now.

Her ocean-blue eyes were wide and glossy. I didn’t know if it was the rain, or if those were tears.

Mine had desperation.

Rain battered us both. Wind tried to peel her away from me. My other hand gripped the icy balcony railing, slick with water. My feet scrambled on the tile, but one had already lost traction—dangling.

My saving hand started to shiver under the cold and exhaustion…but I won't let go.

I'm not letting go.

I've never let go of her once, not since the first goddamn umbrella I offered.

“Liar…you said that we're already okay, right?”

Her lips trembled. Her mouth opened and closed, like she wanted to speak but couldn’t.

Her expression wasn’t fear.

It was regret.

It was desperation.

It was the face of someone who didn’t want to die—but didn’t know how to ask to be saved.

“Don't let go…Kousaka-san…” my voice hoarse, the wind trying to steal it.

My fingers slipped on the railing.

“Damn it—!”

I let go.

To hold her tighter.

With both arms, my grip was unshakable, even as my shoulder screamed in agony. Her body was trembling against my hold, so heavy, and yet in this moment, the weight of her meant everything.

My foot slid further.

“Please,” I begged, “grab the ledge—grab something! I can’t hold both of us like this—I’m not strong enough—!”

“Itsuki…” she choked out. Her voice cracked. “Why…why did you come back…?”

My thoughts raced for the best answer, but a good or bad one didn't even matter right now.

I needed more strength, not recognition.

“Hate me…but let me love you…for a bit longer…goddamnit.”

Her eyes widened. My knuckles were raw now, the skin grazing off. My arms felt like they were tearing apart.

“If I live,” she whispered, “will you stay?”

“I’ll do…more than stay…”

I looked down at her and bared everything I had left.

“I’ll paint again, every damn day. I’ll paint Paris, the sunsets in Du Raz, and every sacred place in France. I’ll paint the dango stall with you. I’ll paint until my fingers break. I’ll embrace my talent until I learn how to love you properly. I’ll be stupidly, helplessly yours. Please…just grab the ledge. Please.”

I promise not to hide my talent anymore.

I’ll show the world my colors.

I’ll let them see who I am.

I’ll paint what makes me whole.

And if that doesn’t work out, I promise I’ll do it anyway.

For you.

For me.

And for whatever is left for us.

“Itsuki…?”

She stared at me as if my words cracked something inside her.

Then—

Her free hand jolted upward.

Fingers caught the ledge.

She cried out, but she was holding.

I pulled, screaming my lungs out.

With all my weight, I put all that's left.

My muscles burned. My vision blurred. My leg slid fully off the balcony, only one knee still pressed against the rail.

“Don’t let go!” I growled. “Not now! I have you!”

And then—

She was over the ledge.

The force made me roll forward, but I dragged her in with me.

For a moment, it felt like we made it.

But as soon as her knees hit the floor...

I lost balance.

My feet slipped against the ledges.

The wet tile betrayed me.

And as I looked at her one last time—eyes wide, mouth agape, reaching for me—I fell backward into the storm.

“ITSUKI—!”

She screamed, but her voice was already far.

I tried to extend my hand upward, imagining I was caressing her cheeks from a distance.

Oh, right.

There's no turning back.

Man, I wished I touched them when we kissed.

Would it be warm?

Soft?

Oh, guess I’ll wait until our next life for that one.

I looked at myself again.

The sky opened up and welcomed me.

So this is how it feels to fall, huh?