To Be Chosen

He could feel that at this point, his body was beginning to shut down. 

Sota let his head fall to the side so he could see the date and time. 

Three weeks - that's how long it had been since he had gone anywhere besides his bedroom or bathroom. It was the last time he communicated with the outside world. It was the last time he had eaten anything. It was the last time he had stood up for more than just lumbering to the bathroom and back. At this point, he couldn't even stand up without almost passing out. 

The situation with Ren had been the final nail in a very traumatic coffin. He had fought for almost twenty years through abuse, neglect, and mental health complications. Even though this situation didn't fit in that category, his mindset had become so warped that he couldn't discern the difference anymore. 

But for Sota? He was too distraught to realize that this was caused by a lifetime of problems. In his mind, it had only taken one little girl - one who he shouldn't have any feelings for - to break him. That feeling of weakness, and self-disgust, was what had finally pulled his head underwater. 

"Open up, handsome!"

Riku's voice was faint enough that Sota initially thought he was hallucinating. The window knocking a moment later let him know it was real. 

"I know you're still alive in there," Riku called out again. "Don't make me start serenading you with love songs. You know I've got plenty!"

The curtains swung open, revealing Sota's physical state. His skin was pale and his face was far too sunken in for a guy his size. He hadn't bothered to throw on his shirt, but Riku could make out some hastily-wrapped cloth around his forearms. 

"What do you want?"

"Let's go grab some food," Riku replied, his tone serious. "I want to catch up."

"Not interested."

"Please, Sota, it's important. I have an issue and am not sure who else to turn to about it."

Sota took a deep breath. Even in his sorry state, he couldn't say no - not to a friend in need. 

"Fine," he finally caved, grabbing his sweatshirt from his computer chair. "Let's go."

***

"Alright. Let's hear about this issue, Riku."

Sota leaned back in the booth. The two of them had just received their trays of food and found a quiet booth in the far corner. It was between lunch and dinner rush, so the place was practically empty. Only the sounds and smells of fryer oil and dishwashing permeating the establishment. 

"My issue," Riku began, "is that one of my closest friends is spiraling out of control."

"I knew it," Sota sighed, beginning to rise from his seat to leave. "I'm fine, Riku..."

Before he could fully commit, Riku reached out and tightly grasped Sota's forearm to keep him seated. Even though Sota was significantly bigger than Riku, he still winced at the touch 

"How interesting..." Riku noted, a blend of playful and serious. "Something wrong with your arm? Maybe I should roll up your sleeve and see if there's a bruise or something."

"What are you implying?"

"I remember what happened the night you came home from college," Riku spoke sternly. "I remember how bad of shape you were in. I'm not going to pretend like you aren't capable of self-harm if left on your own."

"What do you know!?" Sota questioned, beginning to raise his voice. "You've been there; you've seen what I get put through! These last couple years have been complete isolation, and that's tame compared to what was done to me before. How can you pretend to understand what's going on?!"

"Then help me understand," Riku replied, maintaining his composure. "This is what you and I do, Sota. When one of us is on the brink, the other serves as support. Do you not remember a handful of years ago when I was in a desperate situation? You were the voice of reason that helped me navigate all that. You deserve the same chance now that you need it..."

Sota paused with this thought. It was his nature to lash out when questioned; since they were usually part of some familial interrogation. Riku was right, though. Several years back, Riku had experienced a lot of things at all once. Riku's parents had split up, and he had been homeless for a period of time. He had also been coming to terms with his interest in men; in a rural hometown that didn't embrace that culture as openly as it did now. Combined with normal teenage pressure, it had caused him to become very reclusive.

Sota closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't the fact that Riku had suffered that helped calm him. It was the fact that it gave reason to trust why Riku was trying to help him now. No strings attached, no ulterior motives; simply one friend repaying the kindness that they once received. 

"Alright, then," Sota sighed as he sat down. "I'll hear you out..."

Riku internally breathed a sigh of relief, although he worked not to show it. 

"I've seen what you've been through," Riku began. "I've seen the abuse, both at your home and when we were in school. Things that would cripple most people, but you're still here. I'm not going to say you've thrived, by any means, but your survival in spite of what's been going on shows how resilient you are."

"Is this a 'flatter me better' monologue?"

"It's actually a 'why now' monologue," Riku corrected. "Why is it that this event with Ren was the thing, out of all things, that led to this point? Do you really like her that much?"

Sota thought for a moment. Riku had done the courtesy - intentionally or not - of saying out loud what Sota wasn't comfortable admitting. He tried to return that courtesy with the most honesty he could. 

"I don't know," Sota admitted. "I've spent so much of my life being ignored and tossed aside. I've never been anyone's first choice; for anything... All of a sudden, this girl shows up who values my opinion and enjoys conversing with me. She had nothing to gain from doing so, she simply wanted to. Such a simple and silly thing, but for someone who could die tomorrow and the world wouldn't bat an eye? It meant the world."

"Then why not act on that?"

"You know damn well why!" Sota snapped back. "I thought I was in-control, but I let my desperation for affection get the better of me. I'm twenty years old. I should not be feeling the way I do about a sixteen-year-old girl! It's disgusting, and that's the most painful part of this whole thing. I've fallen so far, despite doing everything I can to remain strong."

"So, you're in pain because the girl you have feelings for may end up with someone else," Riku surmised. "That then causes shame in the fact that you have feelings for a girl that young. You try to be stubborn and bulldoze over those feelings, but it's not that simple. So then you eventually end up back where you started..."

Sota didn't reply, and Riku didn't need him to. 

Riku thought very carefully about his reply. Riku had firsthand experience with "taboo romance" from when he was younger and first revealing his preferences to the public. On the other hand, he also had experiences with the type of age gap Sota was discussing. His own younger sister had been preyed on by an older man and had her life ruined because of it. The thought of what happened to her brought Riku immediate disgust. It was the reason certain laws existed in the first place.  

But Riku also knew Sota; he knew that wasn't what was happening here. Riku had seen how they interact, and it wasn't the interaction of someone trying to manipulate a naive teenager. Sota's isolation caused him to be less mature socially than he should be, and Ren was significantly more mature than her age. They interacted as equals when they weren't in class, and their interactions had chemistry. 

Riku pondered these thoughts and several others, trying to find the best approach to take. 

"To be someone's intentional choice," Riku finally spoke. "That's what you're hoping to find here - after being deprived of it for so long..."

Sota did not respond with words, but with tears. He buried his head in his arms, quietly sobbing as the full spectrum of emotions came to the forefront. Riku gave him a few minutes to process and compose himself, while he continued to think about what he was going to say. 

Riku had an idea of the best-case and worst-case scenario. While he felt a bit conflicted about what came next, he knew he had no reason to doubt his friend's intentions. 

"If this is real - and it isn't just your trauma talking - then I think it's worth moving in that direction to see where it leads."

"You what?" Sota asked, stunned. "You, of all people, are telling me to romance a teenager?"

"Do NOT misunderstand..."

Riku, realizing that he was speaking louder and more passionately than intended, took a deep breath. 

"I've seen you two interact," Riku began. "When I see it, I see the beginnings of what could be a healthy and long-lasting relationship. If it could've waited a little longer, even just three years, then the age difference wouldn't be on anyone's mind. At that point, I'd be smacking you both in order to facilitate something happening. That's a bit irrelevant, though, because it's all happening now..."

"I'm not sure where you're going with this..."

"Where I'm going," Riku continued, getting to his point, "is that it makes no sense to wait. It will be awkward for a few years, but why is that a concern when you're discussing a potentially lifelong relationship. If all goes well, the three of us will be laughing about this by the time she's twenty."

"I understand what you're saying," Sota admitted, "but that's incredibly risky..."

"It absolutely is," Riku agreed. "You're going to need to be on your A-game. You can't afford to treat it as if we're dating people our age. There can't be slip-ups, and the boundaries need to be set. Ren isn't naive. If she has feelings that match yours, then she will understand taking it very slow and steady through the beginning. You'll also have to have complete faith in her, if you catch my drift."

Sota heard Riku loud and clear. He was the vulnerable one in the scenario that Riku had proposed. If Ren decided she was done with him, she could fabricate a whole series of stories and allegations. He thought about the variables: their age difference, height difference, their initial relationship as assistant and student. He would be in DEEP trouble if she betrayed him like that, and he would have nothing to stand on. 

"Are you willing to risk that?" Riku asked, echoing his own inner question. 

Sota pondered that question, for a very long moment. Riku waited for him, and waited some more. He eventually went to the bathroom and got a second order from the counter. Fifteen minutes later, his food came out and he brought it back to eat it. Riku ate and remained patient, it wasn't an easy question to answer. 

Sota found himself reflecting on portions of his past that echoed this moment. In one moment, a family member had comforted him and dropped his guard just before hitting him over the head with a bat. In another, there was a 'close friend' had promised to always look out for him. Two days later, that friend had shoved him out the bed of a moving truck to try and slow down the cops that were pursuing him. 

Dozens more played through his mind. He revisited the moments leading up to the betrayals. It was the eyes - he realized with hindsight. The 'windows to the soul' always seemed clouded and indirect when someone had bad intentions. Their eyes always had some type of 'veil' that prevented him from seeing the true intentions until it was too late. When he thought about Ren - about the look in her eyes - there was no veil he could see. 

Around the time Riku finished his last bite, Sota finally returned to planet Earth. 

"I'll do it," he finally affirmed. "I can't picture Ren taking advantage of the situation and backstabbing me like that. Maybe I'm too stupid for my own good, especially after everything I've been through."

They were too deep in now for Sota to hide any more thoughts. Acknowledging the situation for what it was, he rolled up one of his sleeves to reveal an arm covered in wounds. Slashes, stabs, bruises, burns; he had spared nothing on himself these last few weeks short of a final ending. 

"Or maybe," Sota spoke, focusing on the solemn reminder of his situation. "Maybe it's because I have no fight left in me. There's absolutely a risk she could betray me, but deep-down, I know that betrayal would have no legal consequences. If it's ever revealed that I misjudged her character that badly, then I will 'judge' myself long before anyone else gets to me."

It was a twisted and dark thought; the type of thought that most people prefer to shy away from. It was a real thought, though, and one that was good to be acknowledged. If the truth couldn't be faced, then there would never be any true resolution. 

"That settles it, then!" Riku stretched before standing up. "There's a lot more to unpack, and definitely some need for professional assistance. One relationship isn't going to fix all your problems, as you know. That being said, you don't have that opportunity currently and this is still a step forward, so I'll support you as best I can!"

"Thanks Riku, truly."

He rolled down his sleeve, unsure what the future held. For now, though, he was still here. And for the first time in weeks, he had a reason to be.