Departing

It hurts..

Tadashi tried to lie still as possible. His body quaked with fever despite how cold he felt. Blankets provided no reprieve either, for every time he touched or brushed against something, prickling pain jolted across his skin like webbed fractures in a cracked glass. The pillow wedged underneath his head clung to his cheek from a mixture of dried sweat and tears but he hadn't the strength to change it.

For the last week, he didn't have the strength to do anything at all.

It was as though his body betrayed him. Touch was unbearable, standing would dizzy him, and every waking moment stretched on for centuries. His cellphone's screen flickered on and off, beating back the muted greys and looming shadows surrounding his bed. Once or twice, he could have sworn his relatives' voices floated down the hall after the answering machine's beep. If not for the mandated curfews, or his recent quarantine, he doubted his house would be this silent.

I don't want to make them sick either, thought Tadashi as his eyes listlessly traveled to the photograph half-covered by a mountain of balled-up tissue paper. Aunt and Uncle smiled at him from beyond the glass with their hands resting on his cousin's shoulders. Perhaps behind the mound of paper, he was there smiling with them, frozen in a time when merely existing wasn't pain. Slowly, his eyes drifted shut. Breath squeezed through his lungs with a faint wheeze and a crackling koff.

His throat felt as though it'd been rubbed entirely raw from a nasty, persistent cough that just wouldn't leave. Tadashi lifted one shaky hand, hovering his palm over the center of his chest where the skin was most sensitive. A few days ago, he'd managed to drag himself to the bathroom and peel out of his clothes only to find a bruise blossoming over his heart. At the time, his tanned skin burned an angry scarlet red, hardly bigger than the pad of his little finger, but he had no doubt that it'd completely flowered now. Calling for someone to take him to the hospital had crossed his mind but exposing anyone to the virus now could be fatal.

If I wait it out, perhaps I'll be fine, Tadashi thought when the familiar itching at the back of his throat began. He gritted his teeth tightly, ignoring the ache in his jaw.

Please no.. Please.

The itching worsened until the need to cough clawed at the back of his throat, renting the tender flesh to ribbons. Panic surged through Tadashi's mind as he slapped his hand over his mouth to stifle the first harsh He brought his hand to his mouth and gasped into a harsh bark. His lungs burned, shoulders curling in as he tucked his knees closer to his stomach and tried to force the dry coughs to squeeze past the blockage in his throat. Nothing seemed to work though, and as the fit stretched on, tears slipped down his cheeks with muted sobs.

Someone… help me.

Eventually, the coughing subsided and Tadashi whimpered into a shuddering inhale when his hand drew back from his lips. Pink and deep crimson stained the palm of his hand. A bloody tear traveled down from the heart line to his hand's heel, and he gritted his teeth at the sordid taste of iron.

Am I… going to get better from this?

Tadashi reached for tissues, grasping the used mound to smear the blood from his palm as best he could. He braced his elbow beneath him when his hand began to slip, biting the inside of his cheek to resist crying out from the pain throbbing through his arm.

I should try to call someone…

His labored breaths sounded terribly loud in his ears, hoarse and grating. His outstretched fingers skimmed the edge of his phone just as his mind conjured the phantom images. Uncle standing at his bedside, heavy-browed and lips pinched together while supporting Aunt Seiko to keep her from falling over him. She would replace the wet cloth over his forehead with her bare hands even though Tadashi warned her against the dangers. He imagined her fingers slipping through his hair, trying to ease it into some form of neatness because she felt it would make him comfortable. Would her hands shake?

He imagined they would, though she would try to smile and hold his face between her hands like the mother he could hardly remember. His body felt unbearably heavy and the idea of lifting his head was nothing short of a chore. But he would have to - Kojiro would take a place by his side, holding onto whatever part of him was within reach simply so Tadashi could feel him near. The morning stars in his eyes clouded by tears, hidden beneath his hair as he sobbed quietly into Himari's shoulder.

And Himari…

No, how could I do that?

Tadashi withdrew his hand and inched back from the conical light arisen from the lit-up screen. It took all his effort to lie down on his back; his parched throat throbbed as he swallowed down the tears.

I can beat this.

He blinked up at the ceiling, trying to breathe through his nose to conserve what little air he'd managed to capture in his lungs.

I'll beat this.

His vision swam with unshed tears, eyelids drifting shut.

"Tadashi…"

Slowly, Tadashi opened his eyes. His clearing vision wavered as he stared up at the elderly man standing over him at his bedside.

"Grandpa…?"

Ten years passed since he'd seen the man in the flesh but he hadn't aged a day. In the back of Tadashi's mind, fuzzy and sensible, he knew it was because his grandpa had been gone for years. But he was here, wasn't he?

"I…"

Tadashi's voice faltered. The sound crackled in his own ears, and he wondered how long it'd been since he'd last spoken to anyone. There was so much he wanted to tell him but he couldn't make the words come out. He strained desperately, tears gathering in his eyes. Grandpa smiled tenderly, breathtakingly somber. His wet, dark eyes focused entirely on Tadashi as he reached out and brushed the back of his fingers against his forehead.

"I know, Tadashi."

His palm enveloped Tadashi's cheek, blissfully cool against his too warm skin.

"You did your best."

His eyelids gradually began to shutter as he leaned into the hand, letting them fall while the darkness welcomed him.

"It's alright, I'm here…"

His body shifted, slipping into the gentle hold of something warm. It almost reminded him of when his grandpa would carry him when he was too tired to walk as a child. Tension rolled out of each limb and soon he laid limp, lightly breathing while the voice of his grandfather crested the top of his head as subtle as a kiss.

"I'll go with you this time." 

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

"What a strange soul. Untouched by the impurities of mara, yet, so utterly empty. Are you certain he is the one?"

What's going on?

Tadashi tried to open his eyes, but found that it was impossible. When had he even taken the time to close them? Realizing he was staring ahead, he tried to search for the source of the voice speaking around him. There was nothing there but a void of darkness swirling around him.

Where—

"Mn! Tadashi-niichan is the nicest person ever!"

His heart leapt at that voice. If he could see his body, he was certain that it would be spinning around in shock to try and find the source. The passing image of a sweet-faced little girl with chesnut brown hair tied in twintails with bright red ribbons flitted across his mind, grinning with a gap between her front teeth.

Mina-chan?

How many years had it been since she died?

Tadashi reached out for her within his mind but she was swept away before he could even brush her hand.

"You saw it for yourself, that boy's a good one."

Ieura-san.. is that you!?

The urge to cry overcame him when the haunched old woman grinned in his mind, still wearing her usual sunhat and faded gardening smock. When her daughter informed him of her passing, he'd been inconsolable.

"In the end, we all left him with such a heavy burden."

Tadashi struggled against the invisible force keeping him from reaching them when the sharp-eyed man emerged into his mind's eye, looking at him pitifully.

I know that voice… Hirahara-san. Hirahara-san, your wife and son—!

Hirahara-san shook his head, offering Tadashi a small reassuring smile, "Say no more, sensei."

"Yeah," Mina-chan giggled from within the void, "You'll be having too much fun to remember us, anyway."

Too much fun?

That wasn't possible. He would never have forgotten about them, not a single one. Not ever—

"Tadashi.."

Grandpa?

He realized now that the voices were coming from ini his head, but they weren't his own words. Not even his memories, because he'd never seen his grandpa so serious. They looked at one another in this limitless space, taking stock of one another, and the strange feeling of confusion within Tadashi gradually began to clear as his grandpa spoke —

"Take care of yourself this time. See the world, but never forget what's close to home either. Be happy, okay?"

Wait, I don't understand—

Am I…

"Tada-chan…"

His world ground to a sudden halt.

…Mom?

"Tadashi…"

Dad…?

Tiny lights began to shine through the darkness, their brilliance was too soft to make out at first but the more that appeared, the easier it was to see. Tadashi stared in awe as the lights spread out further and circled around the darkness with hundreds - thousands - of voices swirling, meandering, joining then separating in a harmonious dissonance. It was as if a river of a million lights had appeared before him and beckoned him into its waves.

And among them, somewhere, he knew they were waiting.

"Very well, your wishes have been heard," a voice which seemed to come from everywhere, even within him, called out. "Yakushi Tadashi, may you break free from these earthly binds."

Panic surged within him. He looked to where the glowing lights were traveling and reached out to them, yearning and trying his best to reach. In his mind, the backs of two adults were in hazy focus. They walked side by side with a small space between them - the place meant for him.

Mom! Dad!

"And attain nirvana..."

I'm here! I'm right here!

Their images began to blur, melding together and dissipating like water colors too muddled to make out.

Wait, please wait—!

"From this day on, you will be…" 

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

The deep, resonant voice faded away and with it, his consciousness gradually returned. The exactness of his surroundings were apparent even without opening his senses but there was something off in his midst. In fact, it was two somethings. Subtly, he rippled his energy into a crawl toward the vermillion tassel tied around his middle. A pair of golden bells hung from the tassel, turning slowly as his vision gradually colored and shifted about the storehouse. Everything appeared the same aside from the two people — a little girl and an old woman — sitting upon the zabuton before him.

"Listen closely, dearest," the old woman said to the girl with fondness in her eyes and a gentle smile upon her lips, "this is where the Amanogawa Clan's sacred treasure rests."

The little girl had not torn her eyes away from him as of yet, staring with unnerving scrutiny. "A katana?"

"No," the old woman chuckled, though he certainly didn't find it funny at all. "This is a tsurugi. See, how he has two edges?"

"Uh-huh…" The child nodded, though, seeming less impressed.

If the old woman noticed, she said nothing about her behavior, instead turning to him with a smile. "He is known as Bunretsu-no-Shizukesa, the Sundering Calm."

How did she know so much about him anyway?

The girl mirrored the confusion he felt, looking up to the old woman with a curious hum. "Mm, Granny?"

"Yes?"

"How can a sword be a he?"

The old woman laughed, her gaze flicking low and he swore that their eyes had met. But then she laughed louder, and the ring of it made his head ache. "Well, that is…"

"Noisy…"

The woman's laughter stopped short, and she sucked in a deep inhale that startled the girl who grasped at the end of the woman's sleeve with wide eyes. "…! Granny?!"

He tired of them speaking about him as if he weren't sitting here. Though, perhaps it was his fault for not making his presence known sooner. Irritably, he set his eyes upon the old woman and called out, "Can't a man sleep in peace… without someone making a racket."

Gradually, the old woman recovered her surprise and smiled welcomingly with a challenge glinting her eyes. "Hoho, apologies for disturbing your slumber, Shizukesa-sama. I hope your rest has been rewarding."