The Deep Panic

CW: Rude Language

I wake up at the same time I do every morning, five thirty on the dot, if not slightly before. Although my eyes are still shut, I don't yet hear the birds or sense the sun coming in through the window, which means I'm still right on schedule. People count on me to never be late. The smell of coffee is already wafting through the air, as it usually does. I typically prep a cup to automatically brew in the morning so that I can make sure I'm ready to tackle the new day's problems and reports as quickly as possible. With my eyes still shut, I choose to believe that yesterday was a horrible dream. I spent what felt like hours in another world living a new life. I thought I'd somehow hallucinated myself here in some sort of trauma-induced mental collapse after Roller Clones 2 was cancelled... but I'm tucked in under the covers and the coffee is brewing. That has to mean it was all a rancid little nightmare. I take a deep, purposeful breath in, hold it for a few seconds, and then push the air out of my lungs in a loud sigh. God am I tired. I don't think I've gotten a restful night of sleep since I was a tween. 

Eyes still sealed shut, I stretch my hand out to the side, groping around for my phone in the stillness of the morning. Where is it? My hand whiffs through the empty air where my side table should be and my heart sinks into the pit of my gut. I try again, just to make sure. Nope, no side table. No phone. 

Heart racing in panic, I bolt out of bed. My bloodshot eyes are now wide open and assessing where I am. Red curtains. Wooden bedframe. Rustic decor. A rooster is crowing. A child is laughing in the distance. Shit. Shitfuck. Not a chance. No no no nonononono. I have things to do. I have tasks to accomplish. My skull crackles in a sharp pang of punishment, like nails being hammered into my left eye while an asphalt paver is being driven over my head. That feels real enough.

I sink to the floor, completely silent. I truly have no idea what I should do. I don't know how to fix this. Sure it was fun when I thought I was just having a mental breakdown, but this is real. Really real. I can't get back. I can't try to save my game, my team, or anything that I spent my life working towards. I'm just... here. 

The hollow sun rises as I try to figure a way to jolt myself back to reality or to find a way to escape. I pull up my objectives and only see what was already given to me yesterday: 

OBJECTIVE: RECOVER
SECRET OBJECTIVES: 1

I summon the keyboard and mouse and try to search for some sort of exit. Maybe I can somehow minimize my screen or find a task manager to END TASK on this world, but weirdly it seems like those functions don't exist. No main menu or exit button either. I rifle through the files in the backend but don't find anything of use. Some of it is readable, some of it is locked behind administrator access, and some of it references words and phrases in another language that I can't understand. If I want to exit, it'll probably take me more time than just today to figure it out.

Oh god... But.. How long will it take? I feel myself start to sweat. My heartbeat is still racing and I can feel my fingers trembling uncontrollably. I'm dizzy, and the room is spinning even though I'm still on the floor. I try to stand up, but I can't catch my breath at all. Oh god, my chest feels tight. Am I having a heart attack? My ears are ringing but I think I can hear myself wheezing and gasping for air. I double over and put my head on the floor in a useless attempt to cool my body temperature down. All I can think of is how important it is for me to get back into my chair at work and how every second I spend here is taking away from ways I could be helping create something amazing. How every moment I waste is another moment I could have spent making sure I mattered, making sure I earned my place, making sure I was doing the right thing, making sure that I was just barely important enough to be known. Its all I've known. It's all I can do. It's the only way I know how to matter. I have nothing else if I don't have my job. 

A cool breeze suddenly wafts over me and although most of my senses are numbed, I can tell my whole body is shaking now. Someone is rubbing my back, gently but firmly. 

"It's okay Noa. You're going to be alright, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Deep breaths." Mabel's voice is directing me to inhale and exhale on a rhythm. 

"I'm - " I gasp rapidly. "Trying -" How am I supposed to inhale and exhale when my chest is so tight?

"Don't worry about talking. You'll get there. This may take a few minutes. You'll be okay. I'm here with you." I can hear the smile on Mabel's voice. I know she's trying to comfort me.

"I -" gasp. Gasp. Gasp. "Can't"

We sit there together for what feels like an eternity, but must really have only been a few minutes. Mabel strokes my hair gently and continues to quietly affirm me as I gather my bearings. 

"It's normal to feel this way when you first get here" she insists. "I did the same thing. So did Alice."

Doubtfully, I finally make eye contact with her. In the light of the morning, I can see that she's a bit older than me but her face is healthy and cutely plump. "You also picked green eyes..."

She smiles a smile that crinkles the edges of her laugh lines. "We have that in common. I'm sure there's other things we have in common too. Let's go to the kitchen and sit with a hot drink."

I nod, defeated and exhausted, and follow her to the table we sat at together last night. The curtains are still drawn shut and I ask her to keep them that way for a while, please. She nods and bustles about the kitchen grabbing cups, saucers, sugar, and milk, finally arranging them in a pleasant spread on the table in front of us. "And now, the coffee!" She waltzes over to the kettle and then frowns a bit. "Sorry, just a few more moments. I need to run out for some firewood. It looks like the brew has cooled off too much."

"Oh, that's not a problem. Just hand it here." I think for a moment. "With a pot rest please. I don't want to burn my hands."

"It isn't hot at the moment, I'm sure you don't need to worry about that."

"It will be in just a second, if this functions the same as the other items." 

Mabel seems confused but she obliges, placing the pot rest onto the table with the kettle atop. I position my hand on the kettle, and with the other hand resummon the keyboard. Pa-ping!

"Oh my! Is that your magical focus?" Mabel inquires.

"What?"

"It's an object that allows you to cast stronger magic. You're a mage, aren't you?"

I suppose my character description did say I was a mage. I nod agreeably, voice a small hum, and pull up the Inspector Panel for the kettle. Scanning the properties, I see a toggle called "is_hot" which I set to "True." The warm golden hexagonal tessellations flash over the surface of the pot, and suddenly it starts to steam and whistle. The smell of hot coffee fills the air like a warm blanket, windows fogging up in the small home, and I finally take a deep breath in. At least there's something here that feels like it used to. 

"Impressive! Thank you!" Mabel does a few small claps of excitement near her face. "Now I won't have to carry all that firewood over!"

I start fixing up my coffee, several heaps of sugar and a hefty glug of cream, while Mabel takes hers black. We sit in silence for a while, listening to the sounds outside while enjoying our drinks in peace here. I'm deeply uncomfortable not doing anything for this amount of time. My leg starts to bounce rapidly as I look to the door, thinking about when I can get out and start searching for an exit.

"Noa. Please listen to me for a while." She stares into my eyes with a new seriousness I'd not seen from her before. "I'd like to talk to you about why we're all here."