Alaska plan

After everything that happened yesterday, my grand plan for today was simple: buy groceries, avoid closets, and pretend my life wasn’t spiraling into a live-action cartoon.

It started fine. I made it through the produce aisle without sniffing every apple like a creep. I even avoided the pickle section entirely.

Then I got to the checkout line.

There were six people ahead of me, one cashier, and a toddler in a dinosaur costume screaming about gummy bears.

I was scrolling my phone when I felt it.

Ear twitch.

Not like a “my ear itches” twitch — this was my ear moving. As in, relocating higher on my head.

I reached up and felt… fur.

Panic mode: engaged. I pulled my hoodie up and shoved my hands in my pockets. Maybe nobody noticed. Maybe I could just—

A man behind me tapped my shoulder. “Uh, cool cosplay?”

I turned around. His eyes were locked on the tail swishing behind me.

My tail. Again.

“Thanks,” I said, because lying badly has become a reflex. “I’m, uh… from a… video game.”

“What game?” he asked.

“Rac—uh… Raccoon… Slayer 4,” I blurted.

“Never heard of it,” he said flatly.

I could feel the cashier staring now too. My tail swished harder, like it was auditioning for a parade.

Before I could think of an escape plan, the overhead speaker crackled:

“Cleanup in aisle four.”

And then — because my life is cursed — the scent hit me.

Sweet. Briny. Overpowering.

Pickles.

I don’t remember deciding to move. One second I was at the register, the next I was bounding down the aisle like a caffeinated squirrel, hoodie flying back, tail out in full display.

There was a jar shattered on the floor. I crouched down, picked up a piece, and — I wish I was making this up — licked it.

“Sir!” a horrified employee shouted. “That’s glass!”

Reality came crashing back. I dropped the shard like it burned me, bolted past the cashier, and sprinted straight into the parking lot.

By the time I got home, the tail was gone, the ears were gone… but the shame? That was permanent.

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Diary Entry #5

Dear Diary,

I think I might be banned from the supermarket.

Today I:

1. Grew raccoon ears in public.

2. Invented a fake video game to explain my tail.

3. Licked pickle juice off broken glass like an unhinged raccoon vampire.

Also, I’m 80% sure a kid filmed me. If a video titled “Furry Freak Meltdown” shows up online, I’m moving to Alaska.

— Me

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I was still debating the Alaska plan when my phone buzzed.

Unknown number.

A video file.

I pressed play.

It wasn’t from the supermarket. It was from my apartment hallway, filmed from inside the wall.

And in the background — a soft chittering laugh.