12.1 - A Murderer and the Spellbook

"I was abandoned by my mom and dad when I was born.

Truth is, my parents have always been afraid of Magic—of what they thought I could become if they raised me with that legacy of our family. I never realized it when I was a kid growing up, but they always saw me as a freak—so strange, so weird, so different—just for existing.

Me, their one and only daughter. Their own kid.

They didn't want me risking their social status at the time, so they chose to give me up to my mother’s mother, my Obaa-chan, Mitsuki Tiraso Yoshinaga, who was herself a mage living here in Ave Strata.

She taught me everything she knew about Magic and eventually entrusted me with the Arcanic Grimoire—a tome filled with otherworldly Spells and incantations that only she and I could understand.

Suffice to say, I grew up getting bullied by other kids. They’d make fun of me for always carrying the Spellbook around.

Why'd I take it to school, you ask?

I became self-conscious about my safety whenever I wasn’t with Obaa-chan. She tried to convince me that I did not need the book with me all the time, but I refused to leave home without it.

So, whenever I was bullied, I'd either threaten the kids with a curse, or verbally attack them back. Yeah, I got into petty fights. No regrets.

On one occasion, one of the bullies stole my Spellbook and tried to throw it into the Tiames River. When I discovered this, I was horrified—of course, I didn't want to lose something so precious that my grandmother gave me.

I found the thief at a biking path overlooking the river.

Before he could throw the it over the edge, I jinxed the boy—replacing the book with him as he threw it over the side. He gained the forward momentum and fell into the river in its stead, while the Spellbook simply fell on the concrete where he had been standing.

That boy panicked and pleaded for me to save him from drowning.

But I...

I was so angry at him and filled with rage knowing he tried to destroy the Grimoire, so...

...I watched him suffer...

...and I did nothing.

I remember my hands shaking as I heard his cries.

Maybe they shook out of fear, or for knowing I finally got revenge on the one who nearly took my whole life away from me. Or maybe my hands shook because I didn't know what to do?

Or maybe it was...a sinister, evil joy that I was finally able to express—seeing that boy get what he deserved.

The boy drowned and I grinned with satisfaction, knowing the thief received his due justice.

I somehow found my way back home after that.

On the same night, while I was eating cereal with Obaa-chan, a news alert flashed on the television screen: ‘BREAKING NEWS: Body of middle school boy found in Tiames River; Authorities deem as accident.’

When Obaa-chan expressed her sorrow for the boy dying, I remember outright saying, ‘Hm. So what? Probably just an idiot.’

Obaa-chan was startled at my insensitive response. ‘Elaina, how could you say that? Show some respect, dear! That boy’s parents were probably looking for him! Don’t say such mean things, ok?’

But I just looked at her and said, ‘He deserved it.’

She raised her eyebrows. ‘What?! Do you…know that boy?’

‘Yes, Obaa-chan, he’s from my school.’

‘In your class?’

‘No, just from a different grade. I stopped him.’

Obaa-chan stopped chewing. ‘You...stopped him?’

‘He was gonna throw it, the Spellbook, into the river. I stopped him.’

‘Then…how did he…get in there...?’

‘I jinxed him. He threw the book, so I jinxed him.’ I patted the Spellbook lying next to my bowl on the table. ‘Look, see? The book is safe.’

‘Elaina!!!’ Obaa-chan stood up, and she stared at me with a fury I had never seen in her eyes before. ‘You jinxed that boy?! You mean you replaced the book with him when he threw it into the river?! Is that how that boy died?!’

‘Obaa…’ I began, startled at my grandmother’s sudden anger. ‘Your book—‘

‘What did I tell you at the very beginning of your lessons, Elaina?! Magic should never be used to hurt other people! Never! Only if they try to hurt you should you defend yourse—!’

‘He was trying to hurt me, Obaa-chan!!’

‘No, he wasn’t, Elaina!’

‘Yes, he was!!!’ I sobbed. ‘He was gonna throw your book into the river! I had to stop him! I had to do something! I…I didn’t wanna lose…your book...!’

‘Elaina…’ Mitsuki wiped her face with her hands. ‘...This is unacceptable.’

I shook, terrified. ‘Are you…gonna call the cops?’

Obaa-chan hesitated for a few minutes. She glanced at the breaking news on the TV, then took a deep breath.

‘No,’ Mitsuki shook her head and turned off the television. She turned back to me. ‘But you will face punishment for what you did.’ Obaa-chan stretched out her right index finger and pointed at me. I remember how her voice boomed throughout our house as she spoke. ‘Elaina Yoshinaga! Until your 18th birthday, you are forbidden from using Magic outside this house! And until you are an adult, you are forbidden from bringing the Arcanic Grimoire outside of this house!’

I was so sad back then, so attached to that damn book. ‘No! Obaa-chan, please!’

‘And finally!’ Mitsuki cleared her throat. ‘For the rest of your life, you will not be able to forget about what you did to that boy, what you did to his family, and the pain you caused all of them! Not until you know a similar pain as they have known!’

‘Obaa…’

‘I will not leave my granddaughter to be sentenced by non-Magic-practicing folk—by those who could not understand the real severity of what you did. The crime you committed involved Magic, therefore your punishment shall also involve Magic! From now on, until you are an adult, you will know what it is like to live without Magic! To live as that boy lived! To live like one who is unlike you! Only then will you be reconciled. But until then, your punishment is set. As what has been said, so it shall be!’

I remained silent, quietly sobbing.

Mitsuki shook her head. ‘Now, go upstairs and go to bed. I will clean the dishes. When you pray to Lord Isah and Lady Anya tonight, you better ask them to forgive you. Every night, you ask them to forgive you. Do you understand?’

‘…Yes, Obaa-chan.’

And I retreated upstairs.

Sitting on my bed that night, I silently pondered if Lord Isah and Lady Anya were really listening to me—my inner thoughts or otherwise.

‘Lord Isah? Lady Anya?’ I remember praying softly, ‘I’m…I’m really...I'm really sorry for what I...did. B-But I…I just…didn’t wanna lose…the Spellbook. And that kid, he…he made me so angry..! He…’

The image of the boy gasping as he found himself midair and falling into the river in terror entered my mind at that exact moment. I kept my eyes closed, once again putting myself at the same spot where I watched the boy die.

‘Help!’ he pleaded. ‘Help me! I-I can’t swim! Help!!’

I kept still, just watching the boy.

I felt my eyes become heavy, and I forced myself to open them, feeling tears running down my cheeks. I looked at the Moon amidst the clear night sky, and I continued my prayer to the Supreme Ones.

‘…Are you guys...even listening?’

I shook my head and fell back on my pillow. The image of the boy falling kept repeating in my mind, leaving me restless.

I don't even remember how I drifted off to sleep that night.”

——

Elaina took one sip of her new cup of milk I poured for her. “I saw him, that boy, every night I went to sleep, Jace.”

Her eyes stared blankly into space. I did my best to quietly take a sip from my tea, which Elaina somehow managed to conjure up as she explained her story, staying attentive as she continued.

“Sometimes…I’d be standing where I was when it happened. I’d be standing to the side just…watching him suffer, begging myself to help him. And every time, I wouldn’t do anything. Sometimes, I’d be in his shoes trying to throw the Grimoire into the river. Then I’d find myself suddenly falling in the air, then crashing into the water. I’d panic and flail and call for help. I’d see someone, me, standing by the side of the river. Just watching me. Doing nothing—no, she was doing something. She was smiling, grinning at me while I suffered. Then I’d be taken under the water and I’d wake up. Other times, I’d be watching myself do what I did—casting that jinx, seeing how the boy got switched with the Grimoire. I’d try a bunch of times to help him get out of the river, or try and catch him in the air as he fell, but of course he’d go through me, since I wasn’t actually there—I could never be there again. That’s…how it goes, er...That's how it went for me.”

“...And...that doesn’t happen anymore?”

“Of course not,” Elaina lowered her head. “And that’s only because I’ve already been punished.”

I got curious. “A punishment…of equal value, right? Of equal loss?”

“Yeah,” Elaina said dully, “My grandmother was killed by some Abnormal guy with combustion powers trying to rob a bakery. The owner tried to scare him off by brandishing his gun. When the guy left the store, he turned back and charged wildly through the door. My grandmother had just walked in front of the counter when it happened. She wanted to pick up...a birthday cake for me...because I turned....18. The perp blew himself up and took the bakery owner and my grandmother with him. That's what happened.”

"That's...awful..."

“His family won out, though."

"What do you mean...?"

"They convinced the public that the combustion guy was mentally unwell. They called him a victim of his own mental illness. His actions were excused by the Police Force as an act of 'wrong-place-wrong-time.' That was because they believed he wasn’t aiming specifically at my Obaa-chan; he was just running ‘wildly.’”

“T-That’s not right!”

“Of course, it’s not. But so what, right?”

“Ela…”

She turned in her chair. “So what, huh? That’s…exactly what I said when that kid’s death was on the news…I bet that’s what that guy’s family thought about Obaa-chan when they found it was an old lady who got killed.”

“Don’t say that!”

“…”

“Don’t put yourself back to that! You should never let that eat away at you!”

She met my eyes. “But it’s already eaten at me, Jacen! It’s already taken me!” Elaina wiped away her tears. “I…I don’t see that kid anymore when I go to sleep, you know? I…I actually sleep really good now…In fact, my sleep's been more or less...relaxed over the past year since I met you, so…so that’s good.”

“…?”

“And you know this, too. I’m religious,” Elaina chuckled. And she revealed a golden necklace beneath her t-shirt. An ornate design ran through its surface. “This is a rune necklace that holds a prayer to Lord Isah and Lady Anya. It says, ‘That my sorrow and happiness be entrusted to you, oh Lord and Lady, that your mercy may be my guiding light.’”

“That’s…beautiful,” I tried to offer encouragement.

“You liar,” Elaina laughed, “Now, look who's lying? But it’s true. I found it easy to blame Isah and Anya for my grandmother’s death. I hated them a lot for a while—as if this was some sick joke they played on me for killing that kid.”

“You...shouldn’t think of it that way.”

“But I did. And for a while, I felt like I had nothing. My grandmother was gone, my faith in Isah and Anya was shaken, and I had no real friends to turn to. But hey, I still had the damn Grimoire, right? So, out of everything that happened, I definitely saved the one thing I always wanted to save, huh?”

I wanted to give her a hug, forgetting all the rage and anger that swelled within me before now.

Elaina exhaled. “But I…I get it now.”

“...?”

“I believe I’m now able to sleep soundly because what Obaa-chan said was true: that I wouldn’t know a peaceful sleep until I was properly punished. Isah and Anya punished me by not letting me get a good night’s rest all those years before Obaa-chan died. Now that she’s gone, I’ve faced my punishment. And I accept their judgment.”

“But don’t you think that’s unfair, Ela? Don’t you think that’s messed up to have these, uh…gods punish you like that? If they even exist, that is.”

“Why would it be unfair? I killed a boy, Jace. If I hated Isah and Anya for taking Obaa-chan from me, then I wouldn’t have learned anything. Even if I can’t prove that they were the cause of Obaa-chan’s death, or my past insomnia, I believe in them, fully.”

“That’s some devotion you got. Even for gods that don’t even show themselves. Even for gods who don’t appear once in a while to assure their believers that they’re listening.”

“Well, why would they do that? I’d imagine they’re pretty busy.”

“Oh, yeah? Doing what? Laughing at how our world is going down the drain? Maybe they’re sad because they can’t do anything to stop all the suffering?”

“No, I don’t believe that, at all.”

“Well, what do you think, Ela? You really believe Isah and Anya exist and listen to you whenever you pray?”

"I do." Elaina relaxed her shoulders. “Faith isn’t something you can quantify, nor is it something you need to measure to prove. It’s real by how you carry your life."

"But isn't it impractical to even put belief into beings that compel this kind of subservience? Especially if they're the ones who may have indirectly caused Mitsuki's death?"

"I don’t believe in Isah and Anya because I feel like I have to. I believe in them because I know they exist, and they dealt with me properly. I was humbled, because I broke one of their rules of Magic. Simple as that. So, no, I don’t blame them for anything. I let go of my anger towards them."

"It...still sounds like they were just toying with you, let alone anyone else who believes in them..."

Elaina chuckled. "If anything, I’d say they were doing their job, and I’m the one who screwed up. Now, I try my best to be better than when I was a stupid kid. And that’s why, well…I’m glad I met you. I truly believe meeting you helped me realize I could find some bit of redemption for what I did. So, that's why...I don't want to lose you, Jace.”

I sighed. “Way to get sentimental, Ela. Real smooth.”

She smiled. “You think so? I mean it, you know. Being with you made me realize what I’ve been missing out on as a kid: just talking with someone who I appreciate, someone who accepts me, where I don't have to worry about whether you’ll think I’m a freak for knowing how to use Magic.”

“Well, I don’t know if I can go with you with all that religious talk just yet, but...yeah, I share the sentiment. It’s nice to…really know that I haven't been the only freak in town.”

“Ditto. Now, your turn, Jace. Tell me about you.”

“Wait..."

"What is it?"

"Do you…think we could go back to how we were...after I tell you about me? You’re, um...You're not tired of me just yet...are you?”

Elaina gave me a solemn look, one of silent admiration and affection. “Dude. If I were tired of you, we'd never be here today. Hit me with it.”