Impulse Control II

I bit my tongue. Come on, Jayla, don’t react.

The next thing she was supposed to do was to start wide-eyed searching for a weapon (to beat her poor father-turned-robber up with). She’d done it well every rehearsal, which was how she got cast. But instead, she just stood there.

“Hm, I wonder what candy I’ll take this time,” Kit-na adlibbed in a high-pitched voice, acting like he hadn’t noticed her. “Because I’m…” The father seemed to change his mind on what voice to do and added in a deep intense tone “...a nefarious robber.”

The audience laughed.

Jayla reached for the vase, blank-eyed. Her eyes were off Kit-na, staring into the crowd.

I tried to make eye contact with her and shook my head furiously. Whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t do it. This isn’t our performance to ruin.

She saw me and seemed to snap out of it. She looked around the stage, like she’d forgotten what she was doing there.

“That half-breed sucks,” one of the audience members next to me whispered.

I stomped vindictively on their foot again.

“Hey, what’s your problem!”

That shout was too loud. We were near the Ry’ke side; one of the soldiers drew his weapon, and said, “What’s the matter?”

Jayla’s eyes latched on the glint of metal. She swung her arm back and threw the vase into the crowd.

It shattered into ceramic pieces, water splashing up onto the soldiers.

“What the hell!” The soldier glared up at the stage. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, girl?”

“It’s this thing called the splash zone,” I said to the soldier hurriedly, “it makes plays more immersive.”

“What are you saying? Get away from me.”

I’d accidentally stepped across the chalk line because I was talking to him.

On stage, Jayla fell down to her knees.

Kit-na crouched down to join her. “Sei-la, are you okay? Did I startle you too much?” He pressed his hand into Jayla’s shoulder and whispered something briefly to her. “It’s okay, don’t worry,” he said out loud at a volume the audience could hear.

“AAH!! What are you doing so near me, you—you robber!” Jayla pushed herself back away from him.

“I’m not a robber, I’m your dad!”

“I don’t believe you!”

The audience member behind me, recovered from the shock of the “splash zone”, laughed.

“I’m sorry I spooked you!”

“What were you doing?”

“Guarding against robbers!”

Jayla’s eyes widened and she went to go check the cabinet door, briefly counting them. “There’s only eight!”

“I saw that too, that’s why I’m on guard! They clearly came back,” Kit-na said seriously.

From there, the father twisted the situation so that his daughter ended up thanking him profusely for guarding her caramels. At the end moment, after Jayla had exited, Kit-na held up a caramel and grinned at the audience, who erupted in whoops and applause.

I snuck backstage while the stage was being cleared for the next play. What was happening after that—

Slap.

Jayla pressed her hand to her cheek, which was turning red.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kit-na said. “In front of everyone? After I gave you that opportunity as a guest?”

“I—I’m sorry—but it wasn’t just that and you know it, we offered to help out!”

I weaved around actors and musicians trying to get set up for the God play and the other members of the Ao clan who were watching, making it to Jayla as Kit-na was grabbing her by the collar and saying, “What were you thinking?”

“Hey. Hey! Don’t treat her like that.”

“What are you, her mother?” Kit-na snapped. “Stay out of this.”

“You can’t blame her. She’s traumatized—”

“The hell is ‘traumatized’?”

“She’s messed up, okay? Ry’keth soldiers killed her family, eighteen days ago.”

Kit-na sputtered for words for a second before saying, “How was I supposed to know that?”

“You could have asked before hitting her.”

“It’s not my job to figure out everyone’s fucking problems.”

“Stop,” Jayla said, face buried in her hands. “Stop, Naomi, it’s fine. I’m sorry.”

“Leave off,” I said. “Can’t you tell she feels awful?”

“Go.” He pointed to the road leading to the town gates. “Wander through the streets, leave, I don’t care. You’re not coming back.”

“It was a small mistake!” I protested. “You recovered it!”

“Because I have been acting for forty years, I recovered it. That’s not the same as a small mistake.” He pointed at the road again.

“You—”

“Naomi.” Jayla tugged at my sleeve. “Please.”

“Fine.” I picked up my bag from the wagon. “Bye.”

We walked through the streets in silence. At the edge of an empty patch of sand, Jayla sat down, leaning against her knees.

“I really didn’t mean to do that.”

“I know.”

“It felt like when I killed those two soldiers, too.” She stretched her arms out. “Everything went numb.” She hugged herself. “Like there’s a hole in my heart or something, something wrong…”

“All you did was throw a vase. It came off like part of the play.”

“I wanted it to hit that soldier in the head. I wanted to kill him.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Sorry,” Jayla said.

I rolled a tiny, rough grain of sand between my fingers. “You know…Ril, that soldier from before…he barely gave a thought to shooting those tank guns. There could have been children in there, and there were innocent people in there.”

“But you gave a thought to killing him. You said he saved you…”

“He didn’t kill my family.” I sighed. “Look. I don’t think anyone should kill anyone. But the way you’re feeling makes sense. You’re not a monster. You’ve just been pushed to the end of your rope.”

“I haven’t been acting like I was at the end of my rope even. I haven’t been crying all day or anything, just living my life.”

That was how I’d been too. Still was. I closed my mouth against the words my boyfriend committed suicide. I didn’t want to make this conversation about me.

“About Kit-na,” Jayla said.

“Yeah?”