Book 1, Verse 36

I couldn’t sleep that night.

When everyone else woke up and started packing things, I joined them, but I was obviously out of sorts, even after Elisa gave me my pain reducing tonic. They all noticed, and Vivian came up to talk with me.

“No sleep, huh?” She said calmly.

I looked at her.

She was smiling, gently, and her hair was a little messy, but she was returning my gaze with a steadfast expression.

I nearly threw up again, but forced myself to keep it down.

“I felt sick last night. I still feel sick right now.” I said slowly, not technically lying.

She nodded, then looked at Niels and Elisa, who were both finished packing.

“Do either of you know what he might have?”

Elisa shook her head, but Niels appeared thoughtful. He came to where I was standing and motioned for Vivian to begin packing up my belongings. She did as instructed, and he examined me.

At first, he only looked me over, but then he began to wave his hands and speak in a language I didn’t understand. Small strands of gray-green light seemed to flow out of his fingertips and begin coiling around my arms and chest.

“Whoa.” I said quietly.

Niels smirked.

“It’s only a simple spell, but it’s very practical. Wizards use it all the time when trying to identify what the source of a problem is.” He sounded proud of himself, then quickly frowned as the spell ended. “Hmm. That’s odd.”

My breath caught in my throat.

“W-what’s odd?”

He turned to look at Vivian and Elisa.

“Could you two step back for a moment? This’ll only take a second.”

Elisa looked surprised, but complied. Vivian simply did as told. They started talking with each other almost immediately. It was nice to see them starting to get along.

Niels stepped closer to me and lowered his voice.

“My spell can’t read thoughts, just so you know.” He said bluntly. “But it can detect whether a mind is under the effects of a magic spell or if it’s agitated. I can’t tell if you’re stressed out about us nearing Kuzges, or if it’s what I said about prevaim, or something else entirely.” He looked around. “Listen. After what you did for me, convincing me to get out of that tavern, I think I owe it to you to say this much; you can talk to me.”

I looked at Niels as he spoke.

No; this wasn’t right.

Niels wasn’t this… open the first time we met.

“N-Niels, you don’t owe me anything.” I said hastily.

He raised his eyebrow at me and smiled.

“How kind of you; but my offer still stands, Shinko.” He said plainly. “Whether you take me up on it is for you to decide.” He looked at the girls. “Are you ready to travel?”

I nodded, but then quickly spoke up again.

“Niels, you know, the holy writ actually goes against the idea of owing other people things.” I said quickly. “I-it actually stands against the idea of promises at all! So really, I can’t make you promise something; that would be wrong of me.”

He started walking, and so did the girls. He looked at me, confused.

“I’m not promisi–… hmm.” He said casually. “Well, then let me say it like this. If you want to talk to me about something, I’ll try to listen and I’ll try to help. No promises. Is that better?”

I closed my mouth and nodded.

The morning went by uneventfully. The plains around us continued to be hilly and grassy, but we didn’t see any more tares. Elisa and Vivian continued talking, and I felt the ache in my stomach get worse.

Halfway through the day, as we took a brief stop to eat our rations, Niels raised his hand and darted his head around.

We all went quiet.

After a few moments, he put down his hand and sighed.

“Strange. There’s no birdsong.”

Now that he’d mentioned it, it was obvious.

Elisa shifted in her spot uncomfortably and her ears flicked around.

“Even I can’t hear anything.”

Vivian exhaled sharply.

I looked at Niels.

“What does that mean?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe nothing. We are quite far from any trees. Maybe there just aren’t any birds around here.”

I didn’t like that explanation.

“That’s not right, Niels.” Elisa said firmly.

We all turned to look at her and she ran her tongue over her fangs.

“There’s probably some sort of predator around. An animal or monster driving away the local wildlife.” She said calmly.

That was definitely not what I wanted to hear.

Vivian nodded in agreement with Elisa. Niels shrugged.

“Maybe so. But it’s impossible to tell what kind of beast it is.” He said calmly. “The best we can do is keep going until we are either out of its territory or forced to fight it. I suggest that I lead the group, Vivian will serve as the rearguard, Elisa will be behind me, and Shinko will be behind her. What do you all think?”

We all nodded in agreement.

Once we had that settled, we finished our rations and set off again.

Thankfully, the afternoon was just as uneventful as the morning. As the sun hung about three-quarters of the way down the sky, Elisa and Niels got into another conversation about alchemy. When they did, I slowed down a little bit and tried to talk to Vivian.

“Hey Vivian, I wanted to say that I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

Her eyes went wide and she stumbled a little, but she caught herself quickly. When she did, she looked at me, surprised and caught off-guard.

“Shinko, you can’t say that without any warning.” She said, a little upset.

I shook my head.

“I think I can; Vivian, you’re one of the most confident, powerful, self-made people I’ve ever met.” I said honestly. “You’re not a bad person.”

She looked at me, then bit her lip.

“No Shinko, I am.” She said calmly and quietly.

We kept walking behind Elisa and Niels.

“No you are not. You’re independent; a go-getter. I mean, the first time I met you, you had complete control of the situation. You’re very impressive.”

“Shinko, stop talking.” She said, looking away from me.

I had to stop what I was doing to her with these stupid priest ideas. This was for her own good; when I went back home, I didn’t want to leave these harmful ideas behind with her. This was a good thing that I was doing. I was getting rid of that pesky religion that would only hurt her. I swallowed and steadied myself to finish what I was saying.

“Vivian, you don’t need to feel ashamed of yourself. You’re perfectly fine the way you are.” I said, and my voice hitched. “I-it’s tearing me up to see that what I’ve been talking to you about with regards to my beliefs has been making you doubt yourself and your abilities.” I felt my eyes start to water.

I looked up at her, and she wasn’t facing me.

“Vivian, you don’t need what I’ve been talking to you about. You’ve been… You’ve been complete this whole time. All this religion, all these beliefs I’ve been telling you about…” I smiled up at her. “They were never what you needed; what you needed was to be confident and trust yourself.” I closed my eyes as I finished speaking. “I think you’ve always been–”

“Shut up.” She said quietly.

My eyes flew open.

She still wasn’t looking at me. Her fists were clenched.

“B-but Vivian, isn’t this–I don’t…”

What was going on? This was supposed to make her feel better; she didn’t have to worry about those worthless standards some God put on her. She was always enough the whole time! Isn’t that what she wanted to hear?

I stammered as I tried to speak again.

“Vivian, I’m t-trying to console you; you don’t need to worry about–”

She turned to face me, hot tears pouring down her face and her eyes red. As she did, Niels and Elisa turned around to see what was going on, and we all stopped walking.

“Shut up!” She said loudly.

What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t she just accepting my compliments? I wasn’t being obnoxious or anything; I was doing my best to make her feel better; to take that heavy burden of religion off her back. Why was she so upset about it?

“Vivian, why are you so upset? I’m only trying to help.” I said quietly.

She glared at me, her expression angry and confused and hurt all at once.

I’d never seen a face like that before. Not in real life. Not directed at me. The worst I’d received was a disapproving shake of the head from John and maybe a few tears from my mother.

This face looked like her world was falling apart.