Kami-sama, Y U Do Dis?

Diesel woke up one day, his memories too foggy to think straight. The last thing he remembered was that he was en route to his favorite restaurant, which had finally opened again after the world had essentially shut down from a pandemic.

Once his belly was full, he was going to start looking for a job again.

"Dang. Has it been so long that the spiciest Drunken Noodle from my favorite Thai place did me in so badly?"

He smacked his lips… or rather, he tried to. There was no feeling of a mouth or tongue where there should have been. He tried to bring his hand up for a feel, but there was an empty void in sensation around his appendages. Even worse, the groan of muscle movement after waking up was non-existent.

“What?” A pitchy sound leaked from him, induced by sheer panic. A low, mechanical rumbling followed, distracting him from freaking out about his apparent paralysis.

What is that weird racket? And why is it so close?

Diesel tried to pivot his head next but to no avail. It didn’t help that it was pitch dark, making it impossible to know if he was even moving around. First of all, he needed some bearings of his surroundings.

“Gotta find a light before anything else…”

Words echoed in the darkness, even if he couldn’t feel his mouth move. It was an eerie sensation, mind functional but body somehow numb. And every time he tried to act, that dreaded rumble increased, as if noticing him.

Yet, he could distinctly feel forward motion, hope clawing around in this situation. After a few moments, he bumped right into something hard, but two bright lights flickered as a result before turning fully on.

All Diesel could do was stare at the two cones of light hitting a wall and nothing else in between – no hands or feet, simply empty space. A wave of panic struck, causing the lights to jitter. That was when Diesel realized that they were coming from him.

He tried to turn around, to dash away in panic, but all that happened was a smooth, even glide that pivoted him slowly away from the wall – accompanied by brief spikes in rumbling. The sensation was strangely encumbering, like he was tossed upon a rickety wagon and dragged.

He willed himself to move back and forth, seeing that he was indeed controlling that motion. The lack of bipedal movement felt incredibly jarring as the ground shifted to and fro at command.

Just what the hell is going on?!

Nothing felt right at all. By now, he had gained some measure of control, anxiously racing around for answers. He slid around corners, ignoring the screeching that happened, and found himself spinning in circles like a rat in a maze.

A glare bounced off a metallic surface as he passed by, catching Diesel’s attention. He scooted right up to its reflective surface before letting out a morbid gasp.

Beyond the twin glare of headlights was a truck staring back at him, driverless. Doubting his vision at first, he slowly moved back, seeing the reflection respond in kind. Pulling all the way forward next, his vision nearly touched the shiny wall, eliminating any further denial.

He, Diesel, was that truck!

The lights went out. His engine sputtered. Diesel felt faint, but that only led his body to stall. The shock of seeing himself in that form stirred up memories of the day before.

He had indeed been on his way to lunch, but he never made it. Crossing through an intersection, a sudden skid of tires was all he heard before a sudden impact slammed into the driver side and sent him into darkness.

He had likely died in a crash.

The next thing he knew, a vast, mysterious area awaited him. The way that his body simply willed itself to a floating state made him believe that it was the afterlife. He idly drifted toward a bright column of light, the only thing in this otherwise empty expanse.

A voice boomed from above in a language that didn’t sound like anything he had heard before. Yet, he knew. The voice had stated, “Welcome to the Afterlife.”

“NANI?!” Diesel cried out in reflex. He could blame such a response on his identity as an American otaku, one that thought it was cool to learn broken Japanese phrases from anime.

The light flickered for a few moments, as if registering his response. It made a few beeps like the noise of a machine calibrating before the light shifted to a bluish hue.

“Aaa, nihongo desuka? Jaa, Kami-sama yonde miru.” (Ahh, Japanese, right? Then, I’ll try calling Kami-sama.)

With a bright flare, the column of light shifted to the giant form of an old Asian man in a yukata, one that would’ve felt at home sipping tea before a shogi board. A glazed expression clouded his eyes as he lifted a stack of forms, barely giving Diesel a glance.

Despite the impressively divine presence towering above Diesel like a living monument breaking the heavens, he carried the weariness of the typical overworked businessman on his brow. A weak sigh escaped his lips as he scanned the papers, mumbling silently while his fingers drummed upon a podium that had appeared along with him.

The sight of everything made Diesel freeze up completely. The feeling of being sized up for who knows what – that was the bane of any introverted person. Not to mention, he felt like falling any moment, floating above an unending darkness below him. What if he was destined for Hell? The thought being dropped petrified him.

“Nanda? Diesel?... Diesel wa… kuruma-poi ja nou?” (What is this? Diesel?... Isn’t diesel… something car related?)

Despite the hesitation muffling Kami-sama’s words, Diesel didn’t understand enough Japanese to interject, simply nodding in fear. He was too afraid to deny anything, or lest be struck down.

That was unfortunately his worst mistake.

That gave Kami-sama all the confirmation to proceed, shrugging and tossing the stack of papers aside before swirling a finger in the air.

“Ja… washi no saabisu tsukatte miyou…” (Then… I’ll try him out for my service…)

Wisps of magic power floated down and swirled around Diesel. In that instant, a pain surged through him so great that he fell unconscious. That was how Diesel awoke to a brand-new life, stuck in the body of a semi-truck.

He, a flesh and blood human, had been turned into a freaking truck!

He wanted to cry at the thought. Surprisingly, his metallic body actually responded to the flood of emotions. A jet of liquid splashed into his vision before dribbling downwards. It caused him to jump, only to realize that it was the windshield sprayers. Still, it made his vision blurry, so he put a stop to that.

But with no hands to wipe away the tears, he sat there letting the liquid drip for a while. But then, he realized his own stupidity. Wiper blades slid across his windshield, returning his vision somewhat back to normal.

I really am a truck, aren’t I? How the hell did I end up like this?! And why a truck??

The conversation with the deity happened so fast. He wanted to kick himself so badly for not speaking up at all to clarify that he understood nothing, but he had no legs to even do that now.

This is sooooo dumb!

With a name like Diesel, he had been teased endlessly. His friends had constantly thrown memes about ‘family’ and ‘going fast’, spoken by a certain action star. Now, even Kami-sama seemed to be in on the joke, stopping just short of turning him into Van Diesel.

He mentally shook his head. Since he technically didn't have a head, it appeared as if the front end did a little jiggle.

What do I do now? How does one even live as a truck? How does living as something inanimate even work?

An endless sea of questions plagued his mind as human reason refused to cope with the situation that he had been thrust into.

Will I just sit here until a driver comes along?

Actually, no. He could move himself. He did so before.

Then, is there an exit out of this strange place?

The very least he could do was figure out something more about his surroundings.

Willing himself to go forward, the rumbling of his engine grew, and he slowly rolled forward with his tires. Diesel set aside his new self and focused on looking for a way out. After making a few twists and turns, a light greeted him in the distance.

Seeing this glimmer of hope, Diesel revved his engine and accelerated for it. As he passed through the beam of light trickling into the dark area, his vision adjusted to the bright surroundings to find out that… there was nothing. An empty white space existed as far as the eye could see – this was literally all that surrounded the building that he had come out of.

"What? What madness is this?!" These words slipped out of the mouthless Diesel, who had given up trying to figure out how a truck could speak.

"You are in Kami-sama's garage."

Diesel spun around in a U-turn trying to locate the new voice that echoed. In doing so, he could, in fact, see a ticket booth and what appeared to be lined spaces further in.

"Up here, Truck-kun. Congratulations on completing the tutorial."

Tilting his vision upward, Diesel saw the giant, old man floating above him once again.

"AHHH!!! YOU AGAIN! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" Diesel blared out, causing Kami-sama to recoil in panic as the loud beep of a horn accompanied every word.

"Sorry, it wasn't intentional. Even us Gods can make a mistake, especially when we're tired and it's the end of the day in Japan. Besides, the system sent you to me because the first thing out of your mouth was Japanese, and you didn't bother to say anything to correct it. I could've sent you to someone else, or at least, paused to go grab Babel Translate!"

Diesel instantly regretted how this tragic mistake could have been avoided if he had just spoken. Or rather, he wanted to just blame everything on cringy, broken Japanese that he thought was cool. So much for anime quotes that sounded good in isolation. Never again.

"But wait… couldn't you have seen that I was obviously human? I mean, I can talk and stuff."

Kami-sama shook his head. "So what? Cats and dogs talk, just like humans do. A soul barely looks different from the next. Just the other day, I had to reincarnate someone who had previously been a vending machine. So fighting off exhaustion and seeing a name like Diesel, I was like, whatever, a truck will do!"

Diesel couldn't argue with that. At least, he could move on his own, unlike a vending machine.

"Then, change me back! I don't wanna be stuck like this!"

Once again, Kami-sama shook his head. "No can do. There are limits to my power. I can't just fix a reincarnation once the karma for it has been spent. For you to change back, you'll have to accumulate karma through your current life. Once enough has been collected, then I can make the arrangements to reincarnate you into something else."

Diesel's nonexistent heart sank. Instead, the purring engine of hope had stalled once again.

I have to stay like this for a while? How long? How long would I have to suffer like this? He turned towards Kami-sama to beg him for some help, but a solution had already been carved out for him.

"Hold your horses. I'm already here because I planned to help you with this mistake. Not to mention, you are now under my care, so I had to take a look at your file more closely. I can't change you back yet, but I can supply ways to boost your karma quickly."

"What is it? I'll do it! Whatever! Just lay it on me!" The desperation could be felt even when the words came from an expressionless vehicle.

Kami-sama coughed to clear his throat. "Alright, then. You'll be put in charge of sending people to alternate worlds. I believe that you would refer to it as isekai-ing."

"Eh? ...EHHHHH!!!!" Diesel shouted as the realization of a meme that the internet merely joked about was about to come true, and by his hands, er… wheels, to boot. "But… but… how do I accomplish that?"

"Why... the same way as any divine business would – by getting notifications of assignments which I review and approve. Then, all that's left is to send a Truck-kun on-site to do the job. That is where you come in."

"But… running over people and sending them to another world… that's-"

"Most of these people are nuisances anyway. If they stay in their world, they will likely cause some irreparable damage to society. Sending them to another world is their second chance to reform themselves or die from the consequences of their actions. Basically, the service sends them to another place to verify and rectify any mistaken births in the wrong world. A method to collect more data to judge the person’s true character."

"I dunno… I would feel kind of bad if I sent someone innocent into the whims of fate. Just look at what happened to me."

"Well… I'm usually more careful with that. Before your case, I had to deal with a seriously damaged world. It’s not easy to fix all the problems you humans cause." The sheepish chin scratch that Kami-sama did while looking away didn’t help his statement. "In any case, that is your fastest ticket back to living as a human again."

Diesel sighed. Not like he had any other choice. He was already a freaking truck after all. How much worse could it be?

"Okay, deal."

"Alright, then." With a wave of his arms, Kami-sama sent a swirl of magic around Diesel.

Since trucks had no nerves, he couldn't feel what was happening to him. All he could do was wait for the magical twister around him to die down. When it did, he moved forward a bit.

"Hey, I feel… lighter. More compact."

Kami-sama nodded. "Of course, you do. I turned you into a compact cargo truck for better maneuverability. Can't have a semi-truck sitting around. Your American size takes up too much space. Though, you can change back if you wish for it. Or any other type of truck that’s suitable for the situation. Just one of the magical abilities bestowed upon you."

"Ooh! What else?" Somehow, Diesel was starting to like the sound of this.

"I'll tell you when the need for it arises. They are meant to supplement your job, not so you can pimp your ride."

Kami-sama shrank down from his giant form to the size of a normal human as he floated down to ground level. With a clack of his wooden geta shoes, he landed and gave a slight bow of his waist, greeting Diesel as his new boss.