That Time a Generic Protagonist Was Goosed

Diesel strolled through the suburbs of Yokohama looking for his next target. This time, his assignment was a bit open ended. Rather than a specific target that was causing trouble in the surroundings, he had to choose an appropriate hero candidate to whisk off. Prayers requesting for aid were being transmitted from another world.

Diesel choked on his fuel the first time he was debriefed.

“I thought you said that most of the people we send away were hellbound to begin with!” Diesel felt annoyed that Kami-sama had requested for an innocent person to be offed.

“Most! That’s the key word. 51% is still most, last I’ve heard. And if you really think about it, we choose targets that are typically squandering their talents anyways. What do you think happens to those kinds of people? They end up becoming a menace to society!”

“Tell that to someone that can actually vote to get rid of NEETs in Japan!”

“Anyways…,” Kami-sama cleared his throat, “some worlds are in need of otherworlders. They are granted hero-like abilities when they make the transition between worlds. The genetic makeup undergoes a mutation that bestows those gifts. That sort of thing.”

Kami-sama spun off into a lecture regarding the logistics. It only took the mention of such powers being inconsistent and random for Diesel to lose interest. It all felt like gacha to him. Sometimes, heroes became ridiculously overpowered. Other times, their newfound abilities were so incompatible it was laughable. Or maybe, they just became something dumb, like a rock. That happened too.

“It may sound like an unreliable system, but more often than not, the world is saved from collapsing.”

Uh-huh, sounds like you can’t save them all…

“If the otherworlder is especially unlucky, a deity can follow up and throw them a blessing or two.”

Bingo.

“Granted, we do send many more bad people than good ones to other worlds. Rarely does a world need more than one hero, but cannon fodder? Can’t go through enough of them. Especially the instances where they turn over a new leaf and join the hero’s harem or something. Not my business. Neither is it if the hero happens to lose and the world becomes ruled by an iron fist. As long as the world doesn’t fall apart, we’ll give it a pass…”

Oi, that’s some handwaving of responsibility that you’re passing off right there!

Diesel realized that people liked their evil MCs on occasion, but he felt really bad for the inhabitants that had to suffer for it!

“In any case, please find a generic teenage boy to play the hero, like one of those faceless betas you typically find in isekai anime you humans love so much.” Kami-sama shooed Diesel into a portal, where he was dropped into the middle of Yokohama.

Right… faceless teenager…

That sounded so easy at first, but as Diesel traveled around the area, he began to realize how little that actually meant when referring to real life people.

Contrary to most bland fiction, spending even a smidgen of time watching any random boy soon made him anything but faceless. Personality oozed from real people, even the most reserved ones. And it took all of ten minutes on even the most promising candidates to reveal that they were perfectly fine right where they stood.

Of course, Diesel couldn’t ignore certain criteria that he kept crosschecking to get the job over and done with. The statistics of each boy flashed onto Diesel’s dashboard, providing more flavor than the typical isekai protagonist. And any time a restriction was found, angry red letters, highlighting the reason, barred him from proceeding. Instead, Diesel would end up crossing the candidate off and moving on. Finally, he gave in and pulled up the entire list in annoyance.

[Condition #1: Target cannot excel at anything practical.]

Anything practical? Diesel felt amused by this. So far, he had seen rejections due to being too smart, too athletic, too full of common sense, too empathetic, and so on. Finding something that didn’t fall under this category alone was going to take all day.

Diesel clicked on the condition, hoping to see more information or explanation.

Blank slates are preferable for a faceless, generic hero. The prior talents of heroes should not define what they can achieve in the target world. ‘Bestowed’ powers result in a gratitude towards their new world and smoother integration. Appreciation and reliance of said powers result in more predictability and easier manipulation if deities need to intervene.

Wut? Diesel mentally gagged at how devious the architects of the hero summoning were.

Condition #2: An absence of important ties to friends or family is recommended.

Once a hero is summoned, prior connections should not draw the hero back to the original world. As such, the more distant the hero is to former society, the better. It is crucial that the hero instead forms ties with the new world’s inhabitants to build loyalty to the cause.

Condition #3: A tendency for self-gratification and cheap indulgence.

A generic hero’s desires and goals should be worn on the sleeve. Equipment and money for heroes to ‘discover’ are cost-effective measures. In times of poverty, inhabitants can offer up their young descendants (or older, if that is the hero’s preference) to form quick bonds. The standard practice of building a harem is a universal allure.

Diesel regretted ever opening the explanations in the first place. But at least, he now understood why isekai protagonists were so frustratingly similar.

In fact, some of it made sense, if in a twisted way. Making the new hero indebted to the new world, overshadowing the fact that it was essentially a kidnapping, waved off most feelings of ill will. The inhabitants hardly needed another weaponized person to fight off, so granting riches and fancy schmancy items was an easy way to buy some favors.

Women were a plentiful resource to coerce teenage boys as well. Often, summoners only had to grab the nearest willing towngirl, clean her up and present her before the cherry boy of a hero. Being socially withdrawn almost guaranteed that they would hit it off. Data from the divine realm could also drop hints on a hero’s preference beforehand, so it was just the matter of sufficient preparation before the arrival.

I’m starting to see why harems are so effective. They were just being lazy!

Diesel mentally checked off each of these conditions, now informed as to what he was looking for. Too strong of a personality would just cause trouble in the new world.

“Wait… doesn’t that make me a faceless generic hero! Where is my harem, Kami-sama?!” Diesel yelled into his radio.

Strangely, he fit quite well with the specifications above. Thinking about it only made him sad and in need of answers.

“W-What was that? Krrrr… I can’t hear you, Krrrr… over the static. Krrrrrrr….”

The radio went dead right afterward.

“Static, my shiny rear end! You told me divine coverage reaches far better than 5G!”

Though Diesel was pissed at Kami-sama feigning ignorance, all he could do was shrug and continue searching.

Not that a harem will do me any good right now!

Diesel approached a busy street around the time when people started heading home. Even with hundreds of people crossing the main road, he was able to quickly filter his search to a candidate that gave off the correct vibe. His vision zoomed in and circled one boy in particular, holding his phone to play a mobile game while ignoring everyone else.

“There we go. Satou Kanda, age 17. Lives alone due to family being from the countryside. Unsure of future prospects. Wishes to find a girlfriend in college. Grades barely floating by.”

A quick glance was all Diesel needed to be sure of it. Satou creepily smirked at a gacha game with scantily-clad girls that were destroying each other’s clothes. He was completely oblivious as to how others were giving him the stink eye as he passed by. It was right after school, but no one walked by his side. He gave off every impression that he would just melt if a cute girl simply fell into his lap.

There was no better choice, seeing as his profile was clean of red marks. Diesel was still a bit hesitant, but a request was a request. The sooner he delivered, the faster he would get his karma and go home. For now, Diesel told himself that it was ‘for the sake of balancing the worlds,’ like how Tanaka staked his pride in.

Satou would hardly be missed. Such a disappearance would have minimal impact on this world, while making a great one elsewhere. Maybe such a result was purposeful. Either way, Satou wouldn’t even know what hit him for long. The gap in time between worlds made it so that he could revive under the optimal conditions.

“Okay, breathe, Diesel. You can do this… Air in… Exhaust out….”

Diesel slowly followed behind Satou, waiting for the right time to accelerate. The foot traffic soon thinned out, until there were hardly any witnesses to mind wipe. A clear, unhindered approach with the target crossing the street was ideal. He wouldn’t have to wait long as Satou neared the outskirts where his cheap apartment was.

The tune of the crosswalk played as Satou absentmindedly walked into the street, eyes still on his phone.

“And for a final touch!”

Diesel used his telepathy to type out a message, sending it to Satou for a distraction.

“What the hell is this? Spam?”

Diesel watched as Satou paused in the middle of the road to check it. His eyes bulged at the attachments, AI-drawn sets of pictures too saucy for the public. A fierce blush crept onto Saito’s cheeks, his feet frozen at the mental attack.

Diesel revved his engine and zoomed forward, eyeing his stunned target. He watched as the boy’s eyes grew wide as he turned toward him. Feeling a bit of remorse, Diesel accidentally spammed more texts to Satou’s phone.

Unable to run away but somehow able to peek at his phone, all Satou saw was a repeating message rapidly cycling.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

SORRY!

Satou brought up his arms in a timid attempt to protect himself, letting out the most girlish scream in existence.

“NOOOOOOO- URK!”

But then, a heavy object smashed into Satou’s head, causing him to trip to the side, narrowly avoiding Diesel’s charge. He crumpled to the ground, blood spewing from his head, phone in hand still.

Diesel quickly skidded into a U-turn, just in time to see a single brick clattering on the ground, next to the body. The boy was already dead, his soul floating idly upward. Someone had interfered. Someone had gotten to him first, right under Diesel’s grill.

But who?

It definitely wasn’t the work of another Truck-kun. In fact, Diesel didn’t see anyone else on the silent road. No one that could have thrown the brick. As he rolled forward to inspect the dead Satou, a white form landed on his hood.

“HONK!” It yelled at him before flying off, snatching the soul and making its escape.

“What the-, Kami-sama! I need explanations, please!” Diesel cried into his radio.

Moments later, he got a response.

“Ah… it appears that your target has been sniped. By an Isekai Goose.”

v

A group of trucks were gathered in front of the service counter at Mama Shanty's Truck Stop, trying to soothe over the uptick in job-related annoyances with flavored gasoline.

"Seriously, can't we do something about them? They keep popping up at the most random moments, mucking up my articulate setups!"

For once, Shade had been awake and vocal about the recent events. Her targets had been taken right from under her, stealing the normal catharsis that she would gain to combat any pent-up frustrations.

"I'm not sure your motives for sending people off are in good faith, but I sure love a good thrill," laughed Jester. "But it has become quite the issue. These geese are starting to spread and encroach everywhere. The type of chaos they create is rather cheap. Thoughts, Vera?"

Vera blew some air through her grill, sounding like a raspberry being blown in disgust.

"A dang goose interrupted and offed the wrong guy. I wanted an uke to compliment the headstrong guy that was waiting for him there! Now, it's just going to be two tough jerks who are going to stay tsundere and not get anywhere for the entire plot! How am I going to get my BL ships to work when these bird brains don’t know the first thing about appeal?!"

A bead of cold sweat dripped down Diesel's side. He hadn’t quite gotten used to her tastes, but however it got messed up, she looked visibly irritated.

For Diesel, he was only bothered by the fact that he lost out on juicy karma. The others had more personal beef with the geese who intruded on their enjoyment and style. Whatever the case, it seemed like the geese were infringing on the essence of proper isekai-ing.

Whatever that means. I don’t know. I’m just a newbie truck, barely getting the meme.

Diesel distanced himself from the swarm of complaints to grab a free nozzle. Scrolling through the menu, he looked for something with a bit of a kick.

“Thai chili, yum yum!”

Feeling the familiar burn of spice, Diesel idled his engine while basking in its warm glow. Soon, a few unfamiliar faces had parked right next to him.

A truck with flames on the side greeted him. Diesel eyed the small emblem of a horse garnishing the front grill.

“Strange, I’m not aware of any M*stang trucks….”

“Don’t I look cool with it on? Maybe I’ll go for something fancier next time. Insidious is the name. How are you faring in this environment? Feeling the heat yet?” came a biker girl voice.

Diesel backed up in a panic as a puff of fire shot right at him. Then, he realized that it had hardly done a thing. The little bit of heat was a shallow intimidation against Truck-kuns, but likely, more of a threat for humans.

“Oh, come on, Sid. Stop teasing the newcomer. We all know that your roasting is just empty threats to us. Save that for your targets,” Mama Shanty chided her. Apparently, only Sid called herself by such a chuunibyou title.

“Bah, you’re no fun!” She backed up to shrug off things, only to bump into someone else. The emblem promptly felt off, showing that it had merely been glued on messily.

“Hey, watch it. I have to look good for the lunch crowd. It’s tough when every street corner tries to draw people in with the same thing.”

Next to Sid was another unfamiliar face. Unlike the others, this one was fully decked out as a food truck, complete with a stocked mini-kitchen and prep area. The scent of roasted meat exuded from him, driving Diesel absolutely nuts from hunger. Now, he wished that he had ordered shawarma-flavored gasoline to go with the spice.

“Come on, I need to replenish the supplies. Can’t do that if I’m spending karma rubbing out scuffs from every run in with you,” he cried.

This truck was called Somad, specializing in delivering last meals to his targets. Due to his past life of running a food bank, he was motivated to hit people where their stomachs were. He claimed that offering food to his targets let their guard down. And often, their final meal would be something hard-pressed to recreate in the new place they ended up in. Any kind of food could be supplied from his magical kitchen, as long as he had the karma to replenish it.

“Hey, Somad. We want to order something from you in exchange for karma!” Shade called out to him, a hint of amusement in her tone.

“Oh, sure. But why? What can I even give you?” he replied, his dashboard full of question marks. Truck-kuns couldn’t eat human food after all.

"Cheese."

"Cheese."

"Cheese."

They collectively asked.

"Why the hell would I have cheese?! Look at my menu, right here! It says, Somad's Shawarma and Eats! You get no cheese! I will have none of that in my cuisine!"

Somad yelled in fury, rattling the kitchen utensils and shelves inside, like some kind of trauma flaring up. Diesel tilted his body in confusion as the others laughed. Was there some kind of running gag behind it all? Diesel merely sighed and took another sip of gasoline, not wanting to stir the tea.

Rather, Diesel had a different thought.

"Hey guys, they are just geese, right? If they cause too much trouble, won't they get like, uh… I dunno… fileted? Maybe end up roasted on the dinner table?"

Diesel just couldn't see the geese as threatening. Annoying, yes, but who would be afraid of a small, white bird that requires the element of surprise? The fear of an oncoming truck was far worse than any bird with an agenda. At least, pitchforks and torches hardly did a thing to the hardiness of a multi-ton steel frame.

“My, my, underestimating my precious little darlings, are you?” A sultry voice popped up right next to Diesel, causing him to hit the gas. But then, he found himself simply skidding in place, held still by a single hand on his hood. That hand belonged to a black-haired beauty in a fancy kimono, a soft white light radiating from her.

“Moon Goddess Yue! What are you doing here?!” The other trucks backed up in a hurry, their fronts bowed in respect. Diesel got a sudden chill down his frame. His windshield fogged up as he realized that the person keeping him totally in place was a goddess with equivalent powers to Kami-sama, who also made an appearance.

Diesel’s engine cut off, like he had run out of gas, instantly regretting that he had made fun of another deity’s darlings. Kami-sama merely gave him a side eye that said he would stay out of it.

“A young, impressionable Truck-kun that still hasn’t learned the ways of this realm. It seems that your training is lacking, as you should know that all of our agents are protected by divine blessings. Humans can’t do a single thing against my cute geese.”

Yue glared at Diesel, now stroking his hood with a mischievous glint in her eye. If anything, Diesel was nearly enticed by the sheer amount of charm she gave off.

“The journey for this one is still fresh. Perhaps, I can interest you in reincarnating as one of my lovelies instead?”

Diesel became frozen at that thought. There was no way that he would willingly become a goose! Fortunately, Kami-sama finally came to his defense.

“Can I ask you to stop licking your lips at more additions to your goose farm? State your business and go back to your plane of existence, please.”

Yue pulled her hand back and placed it on her chest, faking a response of being treated rudely. The way she eyed Kami-sama seemed to suggest some history between them.

“Oh my. I’m just seeing how you and your team are doing… You made your choice of agents working under you. I made mine. Now, it’s interesting to see how our tastes align with our mission.” Yue gave a hearty ojou-sama laugh, complete with the back of her hand against her mouth. Kami-sama simply stroked his beard, bothered but not enough to be angry.

“Why does it matter? I have my truck service. You have your geese squad. The heavens are getting their requests filled, but I would really appreciate it if we could handle our services on different ends of the cosmos.”

“Fine, fine. This was just a greeting to establish a friendly rivalry. Transporting otherworlders is hardly a job my babies excel at, but I couldn’t help but have some fun elsewhere. It seems like they were fed up with merely causing havoc in digital settings. April Fool’s was a good excuse to goose-ify some artwork around the internet, but that is a fad come and gone.”

Yue turned away and pulled out a decorative fan, giving it a flick before gliding by.

“Rabbit! Reggae! Ushi! Come here!” she yelled out.

Suddenly, three geese appeared from inside of Somad, to his shock and dismay. Everyone stared as they took to the air, a dismissive flap and a honk directed at the truck squad. They lined up obediently at Yue’s feet, looking up at her commanding form.

“Hey, what’s that in their beaks?” Diesel asked.

Everyone was silent as it hit them.

A slice of cheese!

Somad suddenly freaked out and sped off, yelling bloody murder at the sight of it. Diesel wanted to know even more what kind of trauma his story held.

“My dears, get that filthy thing out of your mouth. You’ll spoil your diet.” Yue flicked her wrist as if batting the cheese out of their mouths. Like magic, the slices flew off and dissolved into nothing.

“Here, your treats.” A glow formed upon her outstretched palm. When it died down, bite size morsels of cake appeared. The geese greedily flew up and gobbled one for each of them.

How is cake any healthier? Diesel stared, a bit puzzled. But then, Yue’s gaze darted back to him.

“If you change your mind, I’ll have cake waiting for you….”

Yue smirked before opening a portal behind her, which she gingerly stepped through. The geese hopped along, single file, after her. With a poof, they left behind a blanket of awkward silence.

“Well, that was… interesting….”

Diesel was the first to speak, giving Kami-sama a questioning glance. The deity lacked his usual joking and talkative self, like he had just run into his ex or something.

Wait…

“Did you happen to… you know?”

“Eternity is quite some time not to get to know someone, but yes, we were married once. When I mean once, take it as a silly decision made under the guise of unexpected charm. They never stay innocent for long… do they?”

Diesel had meant to tease the deity, but now, he felt kind of sorry for him. At least, that explained all the meekness he held around her.

“She fell in love with geese as pets. As you can see, a farm was created just to raise and show them off. She dotes on them quite often… more than this old man.”

Somehow, Diesel didn’t think it was a simple obsession, like some people had with St*rdew V*lley.

“Well, shucks. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out for you.”

“I get that trucks are just not her thing, but utility-wise, they are far superior to some lame geese. She got mad and set out to prove me otherwise. At least, I don’t have to hear them honking around me anymore.”

Ah, so you’re part of the problem as well for this whole situation!

Diesel slid over to Kami-sama, giving him a gentle, reassuring tone.

“There, there. All’s fair in love and such. Can’t help who you fall for, you know? Why don’t you have a drink to dull the depression?” Diesel turned to the others, forcing only one wiper to move in a very conspicuous signal.

Moments later, a mug floated toward Kami-sama, which he grabbed. Taking a big swig, he stared off into the distance. But as soon as the liquid hit his tongue, he choked and spat the drink out.

“THIS IS GASOLINE!” He slammed the mug to the ground, shattering it.

By that time, all the Truck-kuns had already made their escape, leaving the truck stop empty. It was a small measure of revenge for their troubles – having to figure out how to clean up Kami-sama’s mess themselves.