In-Game Roast

One final roar came from the fierce dragon, the most treacherous in the land. The victorious warrior placed a foot upon the fallen carcass, celebrating his solo victory with a scoff. The size of his opponent should have been a warning to many, but he merely stretched and yawned, having barely broken a sweat.

It was just another day for the great hero named SythLordDarkness, grinding the endgame boss for drops like it was just a Sunday stroll.

“There we go, the last legendary dragon’s fang to complete the masterpiece. Now, just to make myself look good with a heroic pose… and start! Commence recording.”

SythLordDarkness tapped a holographic screen as the dragon’s body dissipated into a mess of pixels. It was just another pre-programmed boss that spawned every six hours, dropping the best materials for smithing in the game. For World Quest Online, farming drop items was a natural impulse, provided one was strong enough to defeat the enemy.

The most fervent players reached such an apex where the task was manageable. However, SythLordDarkness wasn’t just any player. He was the best of the best in the game, or so he claimed.

He was the first in line to try this new type of game, one that fully immersed the player’s consciousness within a fantasy-like setting. As a result, the avatar known as SythLordDarkness felt like being reborn as another person. Countless hours were poured into learning every bit about World Quest Online, until he had gotten farther than anyone, discovered the very best of equipment and items, and rose to the very top of this virtual society.

As he opened his status menu to check his inventory, his eyes lingered on the stats of the beloved weapon in his hand, the ultimate sword, Rank SSS ExcaliMasaRandal +998. Swiping the appropriate material over to his weapon, they melted into the blade with a bright flash.

When the familiar glow of a weapon enhancement died down, a rainbow hue blanketed the blade, which the warrior thrust into the air with gusto. A broad smile enveloped his face as he stared at how beautiful it was.

999 enhancements. The maximum that any weapon can have. Not to mention, it was a combination of the three rarest weapons in the game, each at the highest rarity.

Excalibur, Masamune, Durandal – boasting the highest value of attack, critical, and durability respectively – the combination of these three yielded a monstrosity that was unmatched in all stats.

The number of hours that it took to get such weapons of the finest rarity to drop, much less add on the maximum number of enhancements, was a daunting figure.

Ten years.

Nearly non-stop play. Only leaving the room for necessities. Fully funding his gaming life through selling other rare drops that he found along the way.

Regardless, the player took the blade into his hands gently, stroking the intricate surface before kissing the hand guard. With this blade, he was cemented as the top player of all time.

The euphoria of the moment soon washed away, and he felt a bit groggy. Batting at his floating menu, he jabbed at the button to log out. A familiar darkness swept over the fantasy world, along with a dull hum of something winding down. With a sigh, he reached up to his head and pulled off the helmet that gave him access to that second life.

The man sat up and stared around at his messy room – clothes thrown about everywhere, trash littering the floor, and a layer of dust virtually everywhere but the main pathway between the door and his bed. He tried to stand, but an overly sedentary life made his feet unsteady, needing to brace a hand on the bed to right himself.

This was the real world for the man named Raymond Sweets, a shut-in who had nothing to be proud of but his gaming. That was why he hated coming back. Online, he was a force that was praised. His renown and presence were known by virtually every player.

Ray pulled out his phone, checking the forum for WQO. He smirked as the recording of his pride and joy finally becoming complete was flooded with comments. He was the very first to reach the apex of weapon crafting.

[Dude! That is amazing!]

[Another achievement smashed by the Syth Lord!]

[We’ll never reach such a place in a million years! You’re a legend, Sir!]

This was the moment that Ray had hoped for – the endless praise, the placement of his avatar on a pedestal. Each line of text fed into his ego at being the very best at something.

But occasionally, there were a few remarks that made him seethe.

[What a waste of time… there’s no point getting that high.]

[You put in how many hours into this? We all know that each enhancement gives diminishing returns. +999 is pointless.]

[Jeez, if you had the time to waste on this, you could’ve… I dunno… become a millionaire from the drops.]

These people didn’t get it. Not at all. Ray slammed the ‘Reply’ button to talk sense into them.

[What are you?! My f***ing mother? Shut the hell up! Who are you to say that my time is wasted on this? It’s not your place to. KINDLY, pull your head out of your ass before making any more idiotic statements. Or go join the rest of the filthy casuals that don’t appreciate such efforts.]

Slamming the ‘Enter’ key, Ray sneered at the naysayers. They didn’t ‘get’ what it was like to be the best player in existence. Wiping their insignificant presences from his mind, he scrolled through the other forum topics. Suddenly, a certain thread caught his eye.

“A new full immersion MMORPG? Mystical Gaea Summoners – open for beta testing. Rise to the top with a plethora of amazing spells, ranging from basic to divine class. Slay monsters from a distance – exploding, drowning, slicing, and burying your enemies in style. A whole new experience awaits. Get ready to feel the magic…”

Ray mumbled as he read through the details. Rather than high-class equipment and close combat fighting, this new game was all about spellcraft. It didn’t take long for Ray to scoff at the idea.

“Hah, I should hold off and let the common man mess around with their fantasy magic. Otherwise, I’ll just dominate it just like WQO. It’s hardly necessary to become famous in more than one place. With my gaming sense, I just know that it’ll happen if I start at it.”

Ray started at his hand, like the weapon he had spent a decade crafting was there. His words were a thinly veiled excuse. It was obvious that he didn’t want to simply jump over to a new game. If he did, it would be too difficult to maintain his hold on being the very best player of WQO.

A week later, Ray scanned through the forums, which were now much less active than before. A sinking feeling overcame him as he clicked on one of several topics claiming how amazing Mystical Gaea Summoners was.

Hardly anyone cared about WQO, an aged game that had clearly worn out its welcome. It had been ages since the last content update happened. Perhaps, even the developers knew that WQO’s time was ending.

Ray grew visibly annoyed. All of his effort, his achievements, and trophies – they were being buried by a completely different game where he had no place in. He was the best in a certain world, but one that no one bothered to be in now. It gave him a sickening feeling as he ran out the door to buy Mystical Gaia Summoners.

He returned a few hours later, the new game clutched stiffly in his hand. Ray hated being irrelevant. He hated making nothing of his life. Aside from gaming, he had nothing else. It was just another MMORPG, after all.

It should take me no time to rise to the top again!

In an effort to catch up from wasting a week, Ray grinded through the early sections, invoking his old habits to get ahead over others. He looked up guides that others posted, piggybacked on higher level parties, and greedily snatched up any spoils.

But then…

“No, you can’t join our party. We heard all about some Syth Lord guy that gives no shits about friendly fire.”

“We don’t need any loose cannons that go around kill stealing.”

“Find someone else to farm rare boss drops. Maybe you’ll find someone that won’t care about all your whining and bitching.”

In no time at all, SythLordDarkness had built up a reputation for being a greedy material hoarder who only cared about himself. The many years of soloing enemies in WGO had made him a pain to work with.

Ray was extremely annoyed. Unlike in WGO, the enemies here required a lot more teamwork and coordination. He couldn’t blindly throw magic around like he did with swinging the super weapon that he possessed before. The spell comboing system eluded his understanding, so he rarely lined up his attacks with others to synergize into stronger attacks.

All the while, his attitude was his own worst enemy.

“In my humble opinion, if you can’t grind 1500 materials per day to raise your spell proficiencies, you aren’t showing enough commitment. Don’t bother. You’ll just fall behind.”

“Based on my experience, the popular quests need to be done right away. It’s always a competition! You have to be the first to succeed or no one will care about your efforts!”

“My expert advice is, if you can’t stay in the top 200 players, then you’re better off quitting and playing another game.”

Those that unknowingly partied with him had to listen to his nonsensical boasting, much of which only applied in WGO. Those that had never touched the older game only saw a lunatic that often did the wrong things out of habit.

It got so bad that a party member turned around one day and challenged him to a duel.

“That’s it! I’m sick of the dumbass advice you are trying to give. You sound like a demented noob trying to make himself look bigger!”

“Oh? I’ll show you what a ‘top player’ can do!”

Less than thirty seconds into the duel, SythLordDarkness found himself imbedded into a crater. His opponent had shrugged off his barrage of fire magic, which he had spent hours and hours improving the skill level. During that time, his opponent carefully layered a set of fire and earth magic, weaving the spells together to form the advanced Meteor spell. SythLordDarkness possessed nothing but starter spells, due to a lack of discovered magic through comboing. He found it too ‘tedious’ to coordinate with others.

“Heh, can you still act all high and mighty while literally six feet under? No one cares about what YOU think. Not when you can’t even move past elementary casting.”

All SythLordDarkness could do was seethe with his face in the dirt. He had no counters to that. His decade-long experience of WGO had completely failed him. All the effort he made to get ahead in Mystical Gaia Summoners had led him down the wrong path.

But rather than correct himself, he waved it off as a bad mechanic that was troublesome and grindy.

[Mystical Gaia Summoners is a TRASH game! The whole magic system is utterly stupid! It’s such a chore to find others to train your magic!]

Needless to say, a review blindly bashing a highly-rated game was roasted quite thoroughly.

[Dude, whatever. Just git gud, you scrub.]

[The guy can’t think beyond 2 + 2. Has to be some pre-teen. Give the kid some slack.]

Those comments made him absolutely seethe. He slammed his phone down, cracking the screen. Reaching over to his helmet, he yanked the chip for Mystical Gaia Summoners out and chucked it across the room.

What do they know?! They’ve been playing for barely a month! Who cares about this shitty game anyways?! It’ll be dead in less than a year. And then, they’ll come crawling back to WGO!

Ray popped his old game back in and turned it on. He was ready to take his anger out on some monsters. His ExcaliMasaRandal would never let him down. But as he logged on, a new notification popped in his view.

“What’s this? A new event? A brand-new super boss? Damn, they must be trying to win back some players, but never mind that, I’ll take it on!”

Eyeing the rest of the notice, he found a confirmation button that would send him straight to the new addition. His anticipation couldn’t contain itself as he pressed it.

Suddenly, he found himself in an open field, nothing but grass as far as he could see. Quickly, a list of possible locations scrolled through his mind. The Plains of Kansasis? The Fields of the Lonely Whachamawear? The Valley of Whatsitsnow? None of these felt quite right.

But wait, where is the boss even? Has it not spawned yet?

Suddenly, a warning popped into his view.

[A wild Truck-kun has appeared!]

A what? Did I just see it say, ‘a truck’?

The roar of an engine became more noticeable. He turned toward the noise, surprised to see an actual semi-truck speeding towards him. Given that WGO was a world of swords and monsters, the appearance of a modern-day vehicle didn’t fit with the theme.

"What the ****?!... The hell, system?! At least, let me curse when I want to!"

[Please refrain from derogatory or inappropriate language during gameplay. Thank you and have a good day!]

"Oh, shove it, you stupid AI! Why the hell is a truck cruising through a fantasy game?!" SythLordDarkness eyed the vehicle again, convinced that he wasn’t seeing things. What were the developers thinking when they pulled out this nutjob? There was no lore to support it! Were they that desperate to attract attention?

Regardless, he readied his sword and waited for the truck to arrive. If that was the new super boss, then he would just have to fight it like all the others!

The truck flew at him. SythLordDarkness instinctively dodged it, moving swiftly away like the veteran WQO player he was. As the truck did a U-turn and tried again, he steeled himself. It was only a game, one that he mastered fully.

“Take this, you hunk of metal!”

ExcaliMasaRandal swung down, right before the incoming grill. The truck stopped for a moment as it met the blade, the greatest weapon held by the best player. But then, something felt wrong. To his surprise, a loud crack echoed before SythLordDarkness’s eyes, before he was thrown backwards. Despair fell upon his gaze at the shards of rainbow metal that littered the air.

IT CANNOT BE!!!

The Rank SSS ExcaliMasaRandal +999, his brand-new masterpiece, was shattered in a single hit! Sure, repeatedly hitting an enemy would eventually wear down the durability, but not from one attack!

Yet, the reality of his broken weapon was clear from the empty hilt that he now carried and the shards clattering on the ground.

“WHAT ARE YOU?!”

SythLordDarkness spun around and tried to read the description of the super boss, having not bothered before. But he was not prepared to see what was displayed.

Enemy: Truck-kun [Diesel]

HP: #&$&*#(@(@)!

Attack: @#*(#!^$*#^*%

Defense: (#&$@)#)@%^#

The stats for the enemy were completely glitched out. What revved before him had unknown strength, yet it was enough to completely destroy a weapon that easily defeated the strongest super boss before it. The only possibility was that this enemy was bugged. Or maybe, it was a joke by a disgruntled developer. But this was going way too far for that!

SythLordDarkness turned to run away. He had to escape and hope that things would be resolved in a patch soon. Moreover, he was now weaponless. He had to reach a blacksmith and drop some cash to recover shattered gear that had lost all durability.

A gust of wind tickled his back, making him dive to the side. The truck enemy whizzed by, just barely grazing the side of his armor. Yet, that little graze felt like a cannonball straight into his body, launching him back several meters. For the second time, his jaw dropped at the chunks of armor flying off his body.

The high-end Dragon Mail that he wore – while not optimized like his sword – was still in the top tier of defense. It shouldn’t have been destroyed in a single hit either!

By now, SythLordDarkness was panicking as he tried to escape immediately. He opened his menu, fiercely swiping at the ‘Log Out’ button, until he saw that it had grayed out.

“WHAT NOW?! NO! HOW CAN THIS-”

The truck whizzed by him again, sending a visceral chill down his spine as he leapt out of its path and stumbled. He scrambled on all fours trying to get away. Fear gripped his heart as he felt completely naked. With bloodshot eyes and finally to his feet again, he turned around to see the truck U-turn again, menacingly.

“AHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! GET AW- URGH!”

SythLordDarkness slammed into a hard, flat surface, something like a wall. But there should have been no walls in this environment, only open field. His vision swimming from the collision, he finally noticed another notification popping up in the corner of his vision.

[A wild Truck-kun has appeared!]

His teeth started chattering even before he turned to look at what he ran into. Sure enough, another truck was parked there, this one with a flame decal. A quick glance revealed another super boss with glitched stats.

Enemy: Truck-kun [Insidious]

This one turned around and spoke directly to him, making him wonder if he had soiled himself back in his real body.

"Hey there, top player. You know. I really hate it when someone boasts everywhere like you think you are better than others. Yet, when you fail, you blame the game and not yourself. We came to test how worthy your skills are in the very setting that you love best.”

It was like the enemy was singling him out, but a super boss shouldn’t have been designed for that reason, right? His paranoia spiraled out of control at the thought of it. Whatever the case, he was now sandwiched between two invincible bosses.

But apparently, this didn’t last long. Rather than rev its engine, the Insidious truck spewed out a giant burst of flame from its grill, engulfing SythLordDarkness and his surroundings in a raging inferno. His HP quickly drained to nothing as the fire swallowed up his avatar before the screen turned black.

[YOU HAVE DIED!]

With a jerk, Ray flung his gaming helmet off and dove out of bed, still shivering from the horrific encounter. But soon, he realized that he was back in his room, safe from the nightmare he faced.

He closed his eyes again and let his furiously beating heart calm down. In the entire decade of playing WQO, he had never had an experience worse than that. There was no way he was going to fight that super boss again. In fact, he would write a nasty forum post about the whole thing.

Just then, a piece of plaster fell onto Ray’s face. His eyes popped open to see a faint crack in the ceiling, which he swore wasn’t there before. The ceiling started to groan before the crack grew longer.

“Huh? Why would it-”

Ray didn’t have the chance to finish that thought as the ceiling caved in. A large truck with flames on its side fell through, crushing Ray, who was underneath it. Any screams that he let out were muffled by several tons of metal and debris. When the dust cleared, there was a knock on the bedroom window, another truck parked in front of it.

“Hey, Sid. I thought you told me that you were going to roast the guy.”

The two Truck-kuns had just left World Quest Online, or rather, a simulated copy of it by Kami-sama. They had been hacked in as fake super bosses for Ray’s personal experience.

“I did roast him. But that was just in-game. You can’t expect him to die for real from it. That only happens in anime.”

“So… the next best idea is crushing him flat? I could have just driven through the window while he was in bed.”

“I had a strange craving for some pancakes. It was my favorite thing to cook in my past life, so a little bit of heat invoked those urges.”

“Next time, just order the D*nny’s Super Slam gasoline. Though, maybe hold the bacon. Seeing that you were heavy enough to fall through the floor!”