Please Silence Your Cellphone While In Service

Diesel eyed the other Truck-kuns around him. It was strange for Kami-sama to call a group meeting with everyone, but he made it sound like there was an emergency. Now, they were all crowded around a podium, oddly formal of a setting.

As he kept pondering what was going on, Kami-sama suddenly appeared via portal with a stiff expression clouding him. He went straight for the podium.

“My fellow Truck-kuns, there is a great danger about to befall us. Please, take a look at this.”

The room suddenly dimmed, and a presentation appeared on the board behind the deity. Diesel felt unnerved by how visual aids were prepared beforehand for this meeting.

The display showed a hero hovering in the air, looking quite like an overpowered protagonist. Next to him, the words, “Satou Kanda – Unbeatable Champion of the World of Fangaea,” appeared dramatically.

“Satou Kanda? Where have I heard that name before… I don’t recall any generic heroes with that name…,” Diesel pondered aloud.

“Diesel-kun, that was the target who was sniped from you by a goose.” Kami-sama grimaced as he spoke.

“Oh right! That guy! …wait, why are we talking about him now? Looks to me like he turned out alright.”

Kami-sama rubbed his temples. “Yes, a bit too well. He has grown extremely powerful, enough to tear through the dimensions between worlds in search of brand new places.”

That didn’t sound so bad to Diesel. What harm would there be if Satou had a little fun traveling between worlds? It wasn’t like he was causing trouble for them. He was a hero after all, wasn’t he? Maybe, he could help another world out so that a random innocent teenager wouldn’t need to be sent to do the job.

“Diesel-kun, his intentions aren’t anywhere near as benevolent as you are thinking.”

Ack! I forgot that Kami-sama can read thoughts!

“Okay, fine. What’s wrong with him doing his own thing? Doesn’t he deserve it after saving a world as its champion?”

“What do you think will happen if he has free reign on dimensional travel? Sure, maybe he would lend a hand on a whim, but the gods send people to those worlds after careful consideration.”

“Most of the time.”

“Enough to maintain the balance, or otherwise, fix it if a problem such as this rears its head!”

Diesel backed off. It was true enough that the Divine Realm had a system that it adhered to. Such business had been happening for who knew how long. Still, what was the problem with a vigilante hero on occasion?

“The problem is that Satou-kun has the Truck-kun that tried to send him off on his mind. It appears that he has some lingering grudge. Enough to look around in hopes of getting revenge.”

“Hey, wait! That’s me! But, but, I didn’t send him! The goose did!”

“Unfortunately for you, Satou-kun never saw the goose, so he blames you.”

Diesel cursed the blasted goose that stole his kill. The very least it could have done was to have not pinned it on him. Not like Diesel could tell which goose was at fault, so he couldn’t even get mad properly.

“Kami-sama, how did Satou even wind up with so much power? Is it that easy for someone to obtain the ability to cross dimensions?”

The deity furrowed his brow before switching to another slide, one of Hero Satou looking at his smartphone. A collective groan sounded in the room from the other Truck-kuns.

“Oh my god! How did that get sent with him?!”

“No wonder he’s so OP!”

“I swear, that is the single most disastrous invention by humankind!”

Diesel looked around in confusion. It was just a phone. The normal type that one would find from a chain electronics store. Kami-sama caught the indifference Diesel held on the revelation.

“Cardinal Rule #51 – Never, EVER let a target maintain hold on a multipurpose device when sent to the next world. Item versatility becomes greatly enhanced when placed in another world to compensate for its lack of existence there.”

Kami-sama rubbed his temples before continuing.

“That’s the problem with those new to the business. Moon Goddess Yue forgot to inform her geese to knock away the phone first. We already have unexpected accidents like falling off a cliff with a vending machine. The magic of the world it got sent to made it able to dispense virtually anything!”

Diesel was starting to get where this was going. There were many cases of being isekaied as benign things. But through some RPG-like leveling system, their capabilities grew to the point where they rivaled the strongest beings in that world.

“I’m afraid to ask what a smartphone could possibly do for Satou…”

“You don’t have to wonder. We have examples,” Kami-sama changed to some video clips. One depicted Satou facing off against a dragon.

Given the size of the creature, it would be understandable for Satou to run and hide. But all he did was whip out his phone like it was his lifeline.

“Siri, how do I beat that dragon?”

“The Ancient Dragon of Vornath. It has a penchant for the taste of Yonderberries, prioritizing it over all danger. Yonderberries contain two-thirds alcohol content by weight. It would require approximately one dry pint to induce shock to a dragon’s liver, rendering it comatose for up to four hours.”

“Wonderful, Siri. I just so happen to have some in my inventory.”

Kami-sama switched to the next scene, which had Satou taking a picture of a large magic circle.

“Siri, analyze this photograph and cross reference every magic algorithm downloaded from the National Academy of Magic.”

“Analysis complete. The constructed spell comes from the Markarth branch of evolutionary magic, an emphasis on accelerating the downward vectors of gravitational force.”

“Gravity magic, huh? How do I stop it from destroying the city?”

“Markarth-based magic formulas rely on centrifugal rotation of mana conduits to induce polarization. Disruption of the indicated focal loops in the formulation will drastically reduce the efficacy. Each focal loop will decrease spell strength by an estimated 6.723%.”

Satou immediately went to work, stabbing those focal loops in the drawing one by one. Soon enough, the glow of the magic circle dimmed until it was almost snuffed out.

“Siri, you make such things so easy. What would I do without you?”

Another scene showed Satou in front of a grotesque demon, one that appeared to be barely held back by some kind of divine barrier. He grimaced at the crushed corpses that littered the inside, death having been served to everyone that tried to enter.

“Siri, is there any way to beat this thing without having to step foot inside?”

“The Canderous Demon. It possesses the strength to crush even diamonds. The divine barrier that contains the demon is its greatest weakness, preventing even one step outside. A sufficient dose of such divine energy would eventually incapacitate it.”

“I don’t suppose there are any weapons with divine energy lying around for me to stab it with.”

“Divine weaponry is highly scarce due to the lack of heavenly figures existing on the planet. However, the divine energy from the barrier is infinite. Weapons cast through the barrier are temporarily infused with its energy, lasting 3570 milliseconds before dispersal.”

“Sounds like we can keep shooting arrows at it until it dies. How many arrows will it take?”

“On average, each arrow infused with divine energy will deal 571.3 points of damage, requiring 17,503 arrows to sufficiently deplete the health of the Canderous Demon.”

“Very well. Can you place an order for twenty thousand arrows through Am*zon Shopping? Two-day shipping via teleportation would be appreciated. And check my contacts for every person with decent bow skill and send a telepathic notification calling for their aid.”

“Order confirmed. 875 gold coins have been withdrawn from your digital coin purse. 258 contacts with the required parameters have been notified.”

“Siri, have I told you how much I love you?”

Diesel’s jaw dropped at how ridiculous smartphone technology fused with magic could be. Now, he could understand why everyone felt so flustered. To think that a simple programmed assistant would be an all-powerful, all-knowing companion to this degree – Diesel was quite jealous he didn’t have something like that installed on his dashboard.

“And that is just a small portion of what is possible. Satou’s phone is full of apps, each one of them possessing unique abilities that he could exploit.”

A map application existed that showed the entire world, leaving no corner unexplored. Satou could even pinpoint any person he met in an instant.

A translation app worked on every single language, even the archaic ones that no one recalled.

His joke of a power level simulator app displayed the full spread of a person’s skills, some that the owner didn’t even know he or she possessed.

A QR code scanner app provided detailed information on an item’s rarity and properties.

The weather app not only informed him of potential storms. He could shift the clouds out of the way by dragging his finger over them, preventing rain on his travel path.

A dating sim game translated to a virtual walkthrough, showing every possible branch to woo or turn away any girl of that world.

The list of applications, morphed to suit the new world, continued to scroll by. Diesel’s fuel ran cold as he saw how ridiculous of a situation it was turning out to be.

“In any case, someone needs to get him to another place, without the smartphone this time. The reset should resolve any lingering effects. If Satou-kun manages to open a path between worlds himself, he would be able to carry such powers wherever he goes!”

“I’ll do it!” Tanaka came forward.

“Excellent, you have the most combat experience and knowhow with OP heroes. Please take the lead and devise a course of action. Diesel, follow along. You’ve been studying how the others operate. Tanaka has a lot to show. Not to mention, you can be bait to keep him grounded in his current world. All others, standby in case more help should be deployed for support.”

“Aye aye!”

Kami-sama opened a portal to the world of Fangaea, letting Tanaka and Diesel go through. Diesel wondered just what a truck could do against a hero, given a vehicle’s limited repertoire. Yet, Tanaka emitted a glow of confidence. Diesel looked forward to seeing him in action but dreaded that he had to play the damsel in distress.

“Remember, it only takes one clean hit by Truck-kun to send a target into the next world. No amount of power can weather such a hit, so let’s focus on achieving that.”

“Oh, a surprise attack? How unexpected of you. I always saw you as the ‘direct challenge’ type of person, Tanaka-kun.”

The two of them soon found themselves in a large, empty space, a temple-like structure sitting in an open field. It seemed like the perfect location for a summoning ceremony. Hopefully, that wasn’t an ill omen for what Satou was planning to do. Since they were teleported here, the target had to be nearby.

“I see that worked quite well… Another point for brilliance and ingenuity by Siri.”

However, Satou was apparently waiting for the two of them.

“Welcome! I was expecting you!” A loud voice echoed throughout the temple grounds. “I had a feeling that messing around with the world boundaries would tick off someone up there. Tearing through dimensional space is one thing. Actually traveling between worlds is something I’m not willing to risk my neck on messing around.”

Looking behind them, Diesel and Tanaka saw Satou approaching on foot. His fancy armor clinked with each step, an impressive sword in his right hand literally carving a temporary rip in time-space. He looked nothing at all like the generic teenager that Diesel had observed not long ago. It seemed like time passed differently for him.

Satou pulled out his smartphone, aiming it at the portal that the two of them came out of.

“Siri, analyze the portal those two trucks warped from. Recreate that spell and reverse triangulate the coordinates.”

“Analysis complete. Reconstruction of the portal spell successful. However, registered coordinates are unreadable. Permission locked. Unable to proceed.”

“Tch, guess it’s not going to be that easy. Still a wonderful job. Now, I can teleport anywhere if the coordinates are known, correct?”

“Affirmative. Coordinates for all known locations in this world registered.”

“Siri, you are certainly my lifeline.”

The hero, Satou Kanda, slipped the phone into a pocket in his armor and patted it gently. Taking up a stance, a powerful battle aura emitted from him. It was clear that he was ready to use force to get what he wanted.

“Now, all that’s left is to negotiate with these puppets of God!”

Tanaka zoomed forward to intercept Satou.

“Diesel, while I engage, look for any openings that we can take advantage of. It doesn’t look like this will be an easy fight.”

“Fight? How the heck are you going to fight him?” Diesel looked on with worry.

“Just watch.”

A similar aura of ferocity enveloped Tanaka, just like when he was Truck Red. At first glance, the sight of a hero facing off against a truck seemed humorous, but the chill of their auras was hardly something to laugh at. They gave off the presence of two masters sizing each other up.

Tanaka struck first, accelerating forward to shoot a spiral of flame concentrated on his hood. The hero swung his sword and cut down the fire attack before dodging deftly to the side of the barreling Truck-kun.

With a loud skid, Tanaka did an instant U-turn and doubled back. In response, Satou started cutting holes into the fabric of reality, forcing Tanaka to swerve to avoid them all. They decided to meet face-to-face.

“Heaven’s Piercing Sword!”

“Bone Chilling Hood!”

In the next moment, their attacks collided, the force of the impact rippling through the area. A bright light from Satou’s sword pushed Tanaka back. All the while, Tanaka’s strike had caused ice to form around Satou.

They refused to back off, remaining in a deadlock as energy swirled around them. It took five seconds for friction to cave, the two forces sliding off each other and moving to opposite sides. Both opponents spun around, using momentum to add power to their next blow.

“Vorpal Revolution!” The way that Satou swung made it seem like reality split in two before a dark pulse exploded, popping Tanaka up in the air.

However, Tanaka was at the ready. A metal ramp shot out from his back trailer and cut downwards as he fell, creating an arc of qi.

“Mountain Cleaving Truck Ramp!”

Satou stopped the ramp with his gauntlet, but the force transferred to his legs where the ground sank into a crater around him. In the end, he hopped back, shaking off a throbbing arm.

“It seems like you’re not just any normal truck.” Satou smirked.

If Diesel had a jaw, it would’ve been on the floor.

Like duh! What the hell kind of moves were that?! What level of ridiculous karma boosts are needed to learn me some Truck Fu?!

“It is good to see my cultivation techniques aren’t being wasted. It took me quite some time to acquire the karma to master them. All to have an edge against entitled protagonists like you!” Tanaka declared.

Satou remained unflinching, striking furiously with his sword as Tanaka twirled on the rim of his tires. Swinging doors acted as arms, taking swipes at the hero. Sprays of fire and ice spewed from the radiator, seeming like magic.

“Blasting Heat, Frigid Cold, Blower Attack!”

Apparently, Tanaka had simply upgraded his air conditioning system to ridiculous levels.

“Sky Cleaving Slash!”

The two fighters continued to fire off powerful-sounding attacks at each other like it was some shounen battle anime. All this time, Diesel cheered on the sidelines. He had a strange craving for popcorn gasoline.

“Ack! Not the time to be admiring things!”

Diesel snapped out of his stupor and looked around for some weakness of Satou to exploit. But given the lack of fighting experience, any suggestion he could think of would be like pitching a rock into the path of a tornado. There had to be some other solution.

How else can I convince Satou to cool his jets? What does he even want from all of this? Maybe if I can figure that out, some negotiations can happen.

“Hero Satou! What is it that you are asking of us? Isn’t your life here perfect? Aren’t you the beloved champion of this world, worshiped by its inhabitants?”

In any case, Diesel and Tanaka needed more leverage on him. Though Satou was quick to start a fight, he broke off the assault and pulled back, displaying a pose of an incoming, long-winded rant. It was like he was waiting for this moment.

“Yes, I was happy, at first. Finally, finally, there were people who could appreciate what I was worth. I gained power. I acquired fans. Money troubles became non-existent. Women threw themselves at my feet to get a piece of the ‘Hero’. I had the very world in the palm of my hands.”

Despite the grandness of his results, there was a feeling of emptiness in his words.

“Then, why do you look so unsatisfied. What more do you have to gain from this?” Diesel asked. Even Tanaka looked on with confusion at the disconnect.

“This is an isekai world… That much feels true… but… but… I can’t seem to get fired up about it! Where are my anime waifus?! Where are my tropey stereotypes that make me gush and go ‘moe moe kyuun’?”

“… Excuse me?” Diesel and Tanaka asked at the same time.

“The women here are too damn normal and… ugh, realistic! Where are my tsunderes and yanderes? Where are all the other ‘-deres’ that I forget the names for?!”

“I mean… you are a king, right? Can’t you… just command them?” Tanaka said with an icy tone of disbelief.

“Sure, they can play the part. But then, what about elves and animal-eared girls, and all those other interspecies cuties that I’ve grown to love?!”

“I dunno, just make them cosplay or something?” Diesel interjected, growing more and more weary.”

“Ha! Shoddy imitations! And it’s not like they would understand the appeal of doting Mama-sans or the allure of the ‘Onii-chan’ speak coming from imoutos. Age gap romance hits for real!”

“Um… you’re lucky that we aren’t FBI trucks.”

“No, really. Did the wrong part of you level up?”

Diesel and Tanaka shook their heads in disbelief. The aura around the hero made it seem impossible that he was lying. The misplaced passion had cooled down any attempt for them to continue the fight.

But Satou wasn’t taking their reactions kindly. He stomped angrily with his sword, waving it around like a child having a temper tantrum.

“No! You don’t seem to get it! 3D does not equal 2D! 2D is justice! Too much characterization to give ideals a sense of reality ruins the romance! Even if I try to get others to imitate 2D, their ‘real selves’ will only get in the way!”

Thinking about it now, Diesel recalled how Satou was so obsessed with his mobile game full of 2D girls, enough to be completely unobservant of his surroundings. That gave Diesel an idea.

“Hey, Hero Satou. Do you know the actual reason you ended up in this world in the first place?”

“I distinctly recall a truck like you speeding towards me moments before waking up here. If I was going to be isekaied anyways, why couldn’t you have sent me to a better place?! I blame those like you!”

“Well… about that… a goose got to you before we could, rival competition. It dropped a brick on your head.”

Satou scoffed, but then, he froze like he recalled something. The blank expression of realization bubbled on his face.

“That explains why I felt my skull crushed in before blacking out. The timing of it all felt a bit off…”

“Because we weren’t the ones to isekai you, where you ended up became out of our hands. If only the service had been properly performed, your personal preferences would have been accounted for.”

Saito’s sword lowered as he caught on to what Diesel was alluding to.

“So, you’re telling me that you can send me to the right place this time? What guarantee do you have that what I wish for aligns with what you’ll give me? A true 2D experience.”

“That is something that I can guarantee,” another voice popped up suddenly.

“Kami-sama?!” Diesel and Tanaka jumped as the old deity appeared before them, casually walking over to Satou to place a hand on his head.

“I apologize for the mistake. This is just a generic world that acts as a ‘default’ for the isekaied targets who are indecisive. It seems like it was ‘too normal’ for your tastes. Let me take a look at your preferences.”

After several moments, Kami-sama nodded before waving a hand before him. A visual projection of a 2D world appeared before everyone. However, Diesel blinked vacantly as much of the screen was riddled with mosaics below the faces. But then again, not having those mosaics would probably be breaking some laws.

“How about this world?” Kami-sama said without so much as a bat of the eye. “Female creatures of every conceivable existence. Modesty is of near nonexistence. It appears to suit your wide range of interests, even catering to what other worlds would deem completely inappropriate.”

The look of awe on Satou made that answer obvious. Not to mention, his lower extremities were looking quite stiff.

“Of course, you would have to give up your current self to go there.” Kami-sama coughed. “You can’t bring your bonuses with you. Not like you would need them there anyways.”

“Who cares about that? It’s everything that I ever wanted! I’ll do it! Sign me up right now!” Satou cast aside his sword as if he didn’t have a moment to lose on his ‘other’.

With a nod, Kami-sama walked up to extend a handshake in confirmation, making sure to yoink the smartphone in Satou’s pocket before proceeding. They both turned to the two trucks. Tanaka backed away, yielding the floor to Diesel.

“He’s all yours. It was your words that convinced him.”

“Eh? Sure. I’m not going to turn down an easy request.” Revving his engine, Diesel did what he did best – a ten-ton collision with no schemes nor enhancements. A metal grill straight to the chest at full speed.

Hero Satou flew through the air from the impact, a grin of pure bliss on his face. As his body crumpled into a heap, his spirit drifted toward the sky, presumably to the world of his dreams.

Diesel was glad Satou would get what he wanted, but then, a creepy laugh escaped Kami-sama’s lips, making him press to doubt.

“Ohoho, I guess he’ll find out that life is all about inconveniences. We don’t balance the worlds just to satisfy someone’s libido.”

“Kami-samaaaaa. Where did you actually send him?” Diesel was afraid to ask.

“No, I did find a world with those exact specifications – a brothel-like society where the inhabitants love to ‘review interspecies’. But it comes with a catch. They were in need of undead assistants for upkeep. Unfortunately, he’ll be unable to appreciate such pleasures due to lack of plumbing.”

“You’re a mean one, Kami-sama. That’s more dreadful than not having a world of his liking – having to watch others enjoy themselves while being unable to do the same.”

“That’s the sad fate of someone who dares to interfere with the deities balancing the worlds. Stuck as a side character with no promise of being more relevant than a comic relief. And an undying existence on top of that. At least, he’ll be forever hard.” Tanaka joked.

They all had a laugh at that.

“Putting that aside, we have something else to consider now that this job is complete.” Kami-sama walked over to Diesel and patted him on the hood. “The collected karma is finally enough for a human reincarnation if you so choose.”

“Huh, what? I thought you said that it would take much longer for that to happen,” Diesel cried out. It certainly didn’t feel like he had been at the job for that long. Months had passed, not years.

Kami-sama chuckled. “Certain jobs result in more karma than others. Some of your recent ones involved powerful targets or dire situations, resulting in a high bounty. In fact, the stripping of Hero Satou’s abilities gave more karma than a hundred normal jobs combined.”

“Oh, I’m not going to argue with that.” It was rather lucky that Diesel had trucked Satou without a fight. He wasn’t going to get another chance like that lying around.

“What’s wrong? Have you finally warmed up to being a Truck-kun? Would you rather remain with us and cultivate into an amazing truck like me? I’m open to taking on disciples,” Tanaka offered jokingly.

Being a human again or Truck Fu? Why is that even a hard decision?!