Battle of the idiots

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since reincarnating, it’s this: the phrase “simple fetch quest” is a lie. It’s kinda like those scams that appear on naughty adult sites saying there’s single moms looking for me.

We hadn’t even been in Greystone Forest for ten minutes before Lyssa tripped on a root, Luffy tried to fight a squirrel twice his size, and I got slapped in the face by a sentient fern.

No joke. It hissed at me.

“Ren,” Lyssa said, brushing leaves from her slippers, “is the forest trying to kill us already, or is that just how it says hello?”

“I think it hates us.”

Luffy barked and circled a cluster of mushrooms near a fallen log, tail wagging like we’d just found buried treasure.

“Please tell me those aren’t poisonous,” I said.

“Define poisonous,” Lyssa replied.

“Define define.”

We’d barely made it ten paces when something rustled the underbrush ahead of us. I froze, hand on the hilt of my rusty sword. Lyssa gripped her staff like a baseball bat. Luffy lowered into battle stance, which mostly just looked like he was about to poop. To be honest I felt like we were doomed. My isekai start wasn’t going as planned but then again I guess nothing in life ever does.

“Stay back,” I whispered.

A pair of glowing eyes appeared in the bushes.

Then another.

Then four more.

“Oh, come on,” I muttered.

The creatures stepped out.

Greystone Squirrels.

You think “squirrel” and you imagine something small, maybe a little bitey. These were the size of raccoons on protein powder. With glowing blue markings across their fur and fangs that did not belong on herbivores.

Lyssa took one look and said, “Oh. Great. It’s the rabid fanbase of nature.”

Luffy growled, his little chest puffing with the courage of a much larger dog.

The first squirrel lunged with the speed of a superhero.

I swung the sword like a man who had never seen a squirrel before in his life—and landed a solid hit. It yelped and skittered back into the brush. I actually managed to get a hit. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult.

“Nice!” Lyssa shouted. “Do that five more times!”

“No pressure or anything!”

Another one came at her. She smacked it mid-air with her staff, which made a noise like a broken xylophone.

“This staff sucks,” she muttered. “I miss divine lightning.”

“We get it, you’re underleveled!”

Another squirrel made the mistake of charging Luffy.

Mistake. Huge mistake.

He barked once and leapt forward like a cannonball of adorable fury. The squirrel barely had time to blink before it was tackled into the dirt.

“Did he just—?”

“Body slam,” I confirmed. “Super effective.”

We fended off the rest through sheer panic, luck, and one last terrifying shout from Lyssa that I think briefly ruptured the fabric of reality. When it was over, we were panting, scratched up, and victorious.

“Well,” I said, collapsing onto a mossy rock. “That wasn’t traumatic at all.”

Lyssa dropped beside me. “I swear, if the mushrooms attack us too, I’m turning this forest into a crater.”

Luffy trotted over proudly, tail wagging. He dropped something at my feet.

A mushroom. Glowing slightly. Shaped like a screaming face.

“…I’m not eating that.”

“Old Man Velo wanted weird ones, right?”

“Yeah, but did he say they had to look haunted?”

We bagged the mushrooms anyway.

We kept moving, deeper into the forest. The light dimmed. The air grew damp. Everything smelled like wet bark and magical regret.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Old Man Velo had said.

“You’re not normal… something ancient wrapped around your spirit… soulthread…”

I glanced down at Luffy.

He met my eyes. For a second, I thought they shimmered with something… otherworldly.

Then he sneezed on my shirt.

“Thanks, buddy.”

“No use dwelling,” Lyssa said, reading my face. “We’ve got mushrooms to gather, coins to earn, and an unhealthy amount of squirrel trauma to repress.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve been alive for centuries.”

“I also once got lost in a divine IKEA for three months. Time is relative.”

We gathered more mushrooms. Some glowed. Some wiggled. One bit me.

Eventually, we came across a stone circle in a clearing. At its center: a giant mushroom.

Like, big enough to sit on. Or fight.

“…Please tell me that’s not the boss mushroom,” I whispered.

“Definitely boss mushroom vibes,” Lyssa whispered back.

“Do we poke it?”

“I vote no.”

Luffy, of course, barked and ran straight into the circle.

The mushroom twitched.

“Oh no,” I said.

“Oh yes,” Lyssa replied.

The mushroom groaned—and rose. Its stalk unfolded into stubby legs. Two glowing eyes opened on its cap. It roared, a sound like boiling stew and thunder had a baby.

When I thought things couldn’t get any worse more squirrels appeared from the forest. I couldn’t keep count it looked like 100 or more.

Boss fight.

“Back!” I shouted, drawing my sword.

“Y’know,” Lyssa said as she gripped her staff, “maybe it’s friendly?”

The mushroom hurled a spore cloud at us.

“Friendly my butt! This isn’t a low level quest look at all these squirrels. How are we supposed to win this?”

The fight was chaos. Luffy dodged and bit. I slashed. Lyssa swung her staff like a madwoman. The mushroom launched spores that stank like gym socks and despair.

Then—crack.

My sword snapped in half.

I froze.

The squirrels started approaching us and so did the giant mushroom that looked like he had been using performance enhancing drugs. Things were looking really bad. I just got a restart to die again?

“Uh—guys?”

“REN what are we going to do??!!!!

As if things weren’t bad enough now I had lyssa panicking.

“Well aren’t you a goddess? Can’t you do anything at all”

“I’m kinda on a hiatus at the moment so right now I’m a normal human like you ren!! We’re screwed!! I don’t want my Devine legacy to end with “Death by mushroom and squirrels”!!!

The mushroom raised a tendril.

Luffy barked once—and glowed.

No, seriously. Glowed.

A pulse of blue light erupted from him, hitting me like a jolt of caffeine and divine clarity. My broken sword shimmered. Reformed. Strength flooded into my limbs. My eyes burned with energy I didn’t understand.

“What—what was that?!” I shouted.

Lyssa stared. “Ren… you just used a soul-link.”

“A what?”

“No time! Hit it while it’s stunned!”

I did.

The sword, now humming with power, sliced clean through the mushroom boss’s core. It howled, twitched—and exploded into a shower of glowing spores.

When that happened the squirrels that surrounded us retreated back into the Forest.

Silence.

Then applause. From behind us.

Old Man Velo stood at the edge of the clearing, clapping slowly.

“Well done,” he said.

“You sent us here knowing that thing existed?!” I barked. We could’ve died you crazy old bastard.

He shrugged. “The best way to learn is by doing. Plus, that mushroom cap’s worth at least thirty gold. Also try to relax. I was watching from the sidelines. If anything would’ve really happened I would’ve stepped in to help!”

I wanted to punch him.

“ Well thank you so much old man for sending us on a death mission to secure your weird mushrooms”

I also wanted to hug Luffy.

We left the clearing battered, glowing slightly, and richer by ten copper and a major secret.

Soul-link.

Old Man Velo gave me a knowing look before telling us to follow him back.

“Collect the mushrooms that surround the area and the squirrels' fur. Since you defeated the boss this area will be safer from now I doubt any more squirrels will attack you”

Lyssa glanced at me. “Looks like the dog’s not the only one with hidden skills. How dare that old creep put me in danger!! I’ll have to punish him when I get back to goddess status, I really need some Ale after all this”

I said nothing.

But deep inside, something had shifted.

And I had no idea what it meant.