Following My Call

I wondered if I had made the right call.

For the past three days, I didn’t get a wink of sleep. My eyes must have had terrible bags right now. I didn’t get much food either, but I never went hungry. Perhaps the snake-like features also meant that I had little need for food for a long time.

But I wouldn’t have been able to work an appetite either after all that had happened.

The Drought forces lost thousands. I lost badly to my opponent. The fate of this nation was like a candle in the wind — one move from the opponent, and it would crumble like a tower of cards.

But that wasn’t the scariest part. No, what was the most bone-chilling for me… was the fact that I had felt nothing.

No anger. No sadness. Not even joy. Faced with everything, I felt… nothing afterwards. The people then not only didn’t reprimand me, but even cheered for me, making a ritual just for me, while my reaction was just forced kindness in return. Even the frustration after losing to Duna had long faded. I couldn’t understand myself.

And these past few days, I could feel that the tattoo on my arm was getting weaker. With my current eyes, it was hard to tell by colors (since it was mostly black anyway), but there was less pain overall when I tried to transform. And of course, the transformation didn’t work even once.

It wasn’t like I wasn’t aware of what went wrong. As much as that man pissed me off back then, I couldn’t help but acknowledge his words. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t reignite whatever I had lost.

I took off the picture of me and Reiko from my pocket, hoping that seeing my previous family bond would at least drive me forward like always. I tried remembering the good days we had, the days when we didn't have a worry in the world…

“Haha…” I let out a bitter laugh, covering my eyes with my arm. There were no tears coming out — I didn’t even know if snakes could shed tears in the first place. But there was something more fundamental that I was missing.

I didn’t remember.

The memories I had as a child. The memories I had with my sister. They were all gone.

Since when did it happen? I didn’t know myself. Maybe it was because of childhood amnesia, maybe I had forgotten it in my quest of searching for her in the first place, or maybe the toxin from this power had wormed its way deeper than I had expected. But the fact still remained — I had no recollection of my childhood anymore.

Did you even have a life before her disappearance?

The man’s words echoed within me. He was right. When Reiko disappeared, I had put searching for her as my top priority. But somewhere along the way, it ironically had lost its original purpose.

I wanted my sister back. So I looked for her. I looked for her in every way I could. I could have gone for college when I graduated, but I didn’t. I made a detective agency, despite never being affiliated with the career myself before that, just so I could look for her. I got no customers, of course — I sucked at being a detective. But it didn’t matter. I just wanted to look for her, after all. Even when I was killed and transported to another world, all I wanted was any news of Reiko if possible. That woman named Kana was my only clue, or so I thought. I learned about this curse, I learned to fight, I learned to even live with this thing on my arm just to find her.

And then it all came back to bite me… that I didn’t actually want to find her after all.

I didn’t know where it went wrong. Finding Reiko was supposed to be the result, the final act of my long quest, the reward for all my hard work so far. But no. I had to face the fact now.

Actually finding Reiko wasn’t my desire. It was the act of finding her that drove me to move.

But that begged another question: what would I do from now?

If I was no more than just a corpse operating on the act of finding my sister, shutting myself down as soon as the act was over, then what would I do in this case?

The fact that the Stigma didn’t react was my biggest proof: I was faulty as a human being. There was no desire anymore. “The act” had lost its purpose as a delusional wall — it couldn’t fuel me anymore.

Being a hero? It was never my intention. It was just a spur of the moment. Arja might have built me up as a symbol, but it was just all propaganda. It helped back then, but I couldn’t have people follow me around forever. Not only would it be a clear weakness in a fight, it would also be a suicide for me as well, both physically and socially, if I were to de-transform like I did back then.

Drought was on the verge of destruction. I had no reason left to stay in this place. And then there was that…

I shall be waiting here in three days.

It was the promised time tonight. Even if this mind bore no desire for it, finding Reiko had still been all I ever did. Even if this feeling was emptiness, even if I were to just be an emotionless machine…

The desert night was chilling. Both the rain from my fights as well as the natural cold air here had caused the temperature to significantly drop, so much that I could even see a faint white smoke from each breath I took.

There he was. The brown hooded robe made it harder to see his body temperature, and a perfect tool to blend into the night. His naturally dark skin and facial hair was even more of a challenge to spot out, even if he was standing in an open field. Behind him stood a swirling portal of ominous feeling, presumably his way of going about between the two nations so quickly.

“You’ve shown,” said Duna. “I assume it means you’ve accepted my offer?”

“On one condition,” I answered. “As soon as I find out about you people’s relationship with my sister, I’m leaving.”

“Not even ‘until I find my sister’?” The man chuckled. “And you didn’t even ask for your safety either.”

“It’s like you said, Duna. I don’t have any desires anymore,” I shrugged. “Right now, this body is nothing but a tool for me to find her.”

“And you don’t care about what happened to her at all?”

I could have turned back. I could have lied. If I did, perhaps I might have retained whatever humanity I had left.

But not anymore.

This was my decision. I was already a monster in appearance. If I had no desires left… then calling me “human” couldn’t be further from the truth.

“No,” I answered firmly. “I don’t even need to find her. I just need to keep finding her, that’s all.”

“And what happens if you’ve found her? You’re gonna die or something?”

“Maybe. We’ll see when that happens.”

The man’s mouth curled into a wry grin. “You’re one twisted bastard, you know that?”

“Really? I never realized.” I smirked in response.

“Well, at least for now, we’re fellow rogues that left our nations together,” raising his hand out, Duna offered a shake. “Let’s go. To Drizzle.”

There was no reason for me to refuse the offer.

“To Drizzle.”