Hands Intertwined

The ride to the tournament was a bit of a paradox. 

On the one hand, it was the first time that Ren and Sota had gotten the chance to interact meaningfully over the last week. It was like reuniting with an old friend that you'd been missing, even though it had only been a little bit.

On the other hand, nerves were palpable on both sides. It was true that they had been communicating via text and that they got to interact at class, but this was the day. They both knew, in their own way, that today's events would be the precursor for whatever came next. 

Whether that ended up being a close friendship - or something more - was to be determined before nightfall. 

 What better way to start it off than for Sota to flounder it hard?

"Before we get to the tournament," he began, "we should probably figure out what we are."

"What we are?"

"Like what we are. You and me, I mean..."

"O...oh, I see..."

Ren looked out the window, concealing her blushing as best as she could. Ren had not been in any real relationships, so she wasn't sure how this usually went, but she was pretty sure it wasn't quite like that. 

"Yeah!" Sota assured himself more than her. "I'm almost certain Riku is going to start announcing to the world that we are a thing."

"D...do you really think he'd do that!?"

"Why wouldn't he? He's not a huge fan of indecisiveness, so I think we need to confront him about it first-thing. Whether we intend to just be friends, or if we..."

Sota's voice trailed off - the words caught up in his throat.

He knew that it was a completely fake worry on his part. Riku had a lot of quirks, but he would never do something like that unless he was absolutely certain one way or the other. If Sota and Ren told him nothing, then Riku would say nothing whatsoever...

So then why the lie? 

The simplest answer was that Sota - despite being 'the guy' that was nearly four years older - couldn't bring himself to just outright confess. 

He had done so in the past for previous crushes and romantic interests. Between middle school, high school, and college, he had probably asked out at least a dozen girls. 

These weren't random out-of-the-blue attempts, either. Sota had usually been acquaintances with them previously, or had been in class talking with them for a couple of months. Others around would tell him that there were signs of it being a good match, and he would eventually act and at least try to get a date. 

Out of all of them, exactly zero had been reciprocated. As it stood, two-thirds of them had ended with a brutal insult - the other third were people who refused to speak to him or remain in his presence ever again...

So the idea that 'the worst they can say is no thanks' was malarkey to Sota. it was not just a gentle turn-down, it was the end of any possible connection afterwards. Compile the hundreds of online dating rejections on top of that, and it was clear why Sota would be so terrified at just outright asking. 

--If I confess to a high-schooler with so many common interests...and STILL get turned down...there's no hope...

Sota was too scarred, and his emotions were too tumultuous for the simple path. This fabricated approach that he had thought up - that was the only way he could see forward through his maelstrom of negative emotions. 

"So, then..." Ren eventually broke the silence. "What should we do?"

"I think...that depends," Sota answered. "Would you want to be dating me?"

"Umm..."

Ren didn't answer. There was no way she intended to be the one to confess first. Even if dating a boy like Sota would put her on top of the world, she wasn't about to dive headfirst into looking like a fool. He was in college, and he was one of the assistant instructors at class. In Ren's mind, Sota was far more put-together than she was. She needed to defer to him - if he had feelings, he would definitely just say it. 

"What do you think we should do?" she asked again, avoiding Sota's question. 

"You didn't answer me."

"My answer isn't that important," she replied. "You're the one who'd be looked at funny for supposedly dating a high-schooler. I'd rather follow your lead..."

Sota half-expected this outcome, but was irritated with it nonetheless. He wasn't irritated at Ren - she was being totally reasonable. As usual, his emotions were self-directed. 

On top of that, there was only about five minutes left before they arrived at their destination.

"I'll talk with Riku when we get there - before he has a chance to do anything," Sota replied. "I'm sure I can get him to hold off. That way, we can focus on the tournament and then figure it out after."

"Okay..."

That was it, then. His silly strategy hadn't worked out - and now he had to figure out what to do by the time they finished competing. 

***

The tournament was less-than-satisfactory.

Sota ran off pretty quickly upon their arrival to find Riku. They talked about random stuff, but it gave the illusion that Sota had talked to him about the 'dating' topic. By the time Riku walked off to go register, Ren had caught up. 

"So?"

"We're set for today," Sota assured her. "Let's just focus on the tournament and enjoying our day..."

Unfortunately, it wasn't anything like that. 

The competition itself was fine. Ren, as usual, swept all of her divisions and got first. Sota placed in a couple of categories, but completely botched out of others. Even if he had been fully-focused on the tournament, he was definitely not the prodigy Ren was. 

More importantly to him, though, the energy and life that Ren usually brought to the day was gone. She was still friendly and would engage in conversation, but it felt wrong. She was more closed-off and flustered than usual. Something was making her uncomfortable, and Sota didn't have to think hard to guess what it was. 

--I just dropped this huge bombshell on the way here and just left it there to fester for the whole day. Of course she's nervous...

For Ren, it was exactly that. Every time Sota looked at her, she felt like she was being evaluated as a romantic partner. It was all in her own head, of course. Sota wasn't acting any different, but it caused her fears of inferiority to flare up. Rather than let those out, she chose to mostly remain quiet and reflective through the day. 

For Sota, it felt like the beginning of the end. The topic had been approached, and she was already distancing herself. In Sota's long history of rejection, there wasn't a single universe where he would interpret that as a sign of Ren's interest. He came close - incredibly close - to just leaving it at that and calling it a day early. 

Somewhere deep down, though, he couldn't leave it alone. It was a trait he hated about himself - his inability to let something go until he was absolutely sure there was no alternative. Maybe it was some strange avoidance to regret? Maybe he wanted to subconsciously avoid any type of 'what ifs' that could pop up in the future?

Either way, it lingered and would not let go. 

--If you're going to assume it's a rejection, then you just ask the question anyway. The most that can happen is that it confirms your suspicion. It's the same outcome, but you'll know without a doubt.

"Everything alright, Senpai?"

Sota snapped out of his brooding to see Ren had sat down nearby. She didn't make direct eye-contact, but there was a slight look of concern on her face. He must've been pretty lost in thought for it to be that noticeable. 

"Yeah," he confirmed. "I think all of our divisions are finished up, right? Did you still want to hang out for a bit?"

"Up to you..."

She was being dismissive. Ren did it because she didn't want to make Sota uncomfortable. Sota interpreted it as nails in the soon-to-close coffin. He took a deep breath - there was no point in delaying the inevitable. 

"Very well," he announced. "Let's go grab some food, then."

***

Sota had made a pretty simple plan for the day. Grab some food, go to a nearby park, and have a small picnic. It seemed like a relaxing and fun and simply hangout to wrap up the day, especially if his confession plan had gone well. 

Now, however, it felt like arriving at an execution site. 

They got out of the car. Ren grabbed the food they had ordered from a restaurant near the tournament. Sota grabbed a blanket and a couple of pillows from the back of the beater car. They silently worked in unison, finding a spot and setting everything up. 

They sat in silence. They ate in silence. They watched a nearby baseball game in silence. Eventually, they both laid back on the blanket and stared at the clouds. 

All in silence. 

"So..." Ren was the first to speak after almost thirty minutes. "You never really told me how it went with Riku..."

"Yes. I would be interested in dating you."

Ren shot up to a sitting position almost instantly. It came out of nowhere. Sota just blurted it out in an attempt to get straight to the painful part...

"W...what?" she questioned, her heart pounding out of her chest. 

"You heard me... The whole thing about Riku being a blabbermouth was made up...probably. I just couldn't find a better way to approach the topic..."

"I...guess," she responded, trying to figure out how words worked amidst her crazy emotions. "But...I'm in high school..."

"Trust me, I know," Sota admitted. "I have slammed my head off of the fact several times. There is no part of me that likes the idea of dating someone so much younger than me. It's just...not right."

Ren understood why Sota would feel that way. There was a tinge of disgust in Sota's voice. It was meant to be self-directed, of course, but Ren interpreted it as being more directed at her. 

It didn't make her mad. Deep down, she also found herself to be disgusting. A common side-effect of so many years of abuse and neglect. It was a negative thought, but it led to an obvious follow-up question. 

"Then...why be interested at all?"

"Because you're perfect," Sota spoke bluntly. "You're smarter than most adults I know. You have a stellar personality. We have so many things in common that it's terrifying. We can talk for hours and hours without getting sick of each other, both in-person and via text. You're already attractive given your age, and I'm sure that getting older will only help..."

Sota went on and on. If she was going to avoid him afterwards for being creepy, then he might as well earn the title. For Ren, though, each compliment was just fuel on a rapidly-expanding flame. 

"At the end of the day..." Sota finished, circling back to his initial thought from months prior. "Would it be awkward for a few years? Yes. But if having a lifelong partner means enduring a few awkward years at the beginning...then so be it."

Sota's monologue ended there. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, prepping himself for the onslaught of rejection that he expected to get in response. 

Ren remained silent. She was completely floored by the tsunami of feelings Sota had just unleashed in her direction. 

--Could this be real? Do I deserve this kind of happiness? What if he gets closer and realized how crazy I am?

That and more played through her trauma-infused mind. It wasn't destructive enough to overcome her excitement, though. At the end of a whirlwind of thoughts, she landed on a few small words. It wasn't much, but it was enough to let him know that she felt the same way.

"I'd like to date you, too..."

This time, Sota was the one who shot upright in surprise. 

"You...mind repeating that?"

"I...I mean..." Ren began to stutter a bit as her face got more red. "Obviously, we should go really slow! I know that this whole idea puts you in a tough spot and that we need to be careful. But if that's what it takes... I'd like to see where this goes, too..."

Sota's brain wasn't computing the information he'd just been given. It was the loudest "record-scratch" moment he'd ever experienced. He had confessed - and she had reciprocated. 

"Huh..." was all that came out. 

After that, he just laid back down and stared at the sky once again. He didn't say anything, he didn't have additional thoughts he could express at the moment. He just stared at the clouds, processing and taking in this moment for what it was. 

Ren observed him for a few seconds, then quietly followed his lead. She laid back down next to him, watching the clouds go by. 

They both sat there. Their brains were an inferno amidst an incredibly relaxing environment. It felt like the world had turned upside-down, in a way that was both really exciting and equally terrifying. What would this turn into? How would each person navigate the other's ridiculous traumas?

Whatever came next, they would figure out together. They didn't need to speak to understand that act. All it took was their hands interlocking together as they sat there admiring the sky.