Chapter 16: Goblin Shit Covered Rags: Surprisingly Effective for Gags

The tavern was warm, noisy, full of smoke and sweat and cheap perfume. The kind of place where you either started a fight or ended up under the table with a stranger. Personally, I was open to both.

“Barkeep!” I called, loud enough to make Cassian groan. “Two of your biggest mugs of ale! My treat, Cassie.”

He didn’t even bother answering, just sat down next to me with that permanent scowl carved into his stormy face.

The bartender brought the drinks in record time, his eyes flicking to my neck. I still had a thin line of blood where Myrrin’s blade had kissed me.

“Miss,” he said, frowning. “You’re bleeding.”

“Oh, this?” I touched the wound and smiled sweetly. “It’s my boyfriend here. Handsome and passionate. I keep telling him to slow down, but you know how it is. Hard to control himself sometimes.”

Cassian nearly choked on his own spit. “That’s not true!”

The bartender laughed, shaking his head. “Ah, young love.” He wandered off muttering about the follies of youth.

Cassian buried half his face in his mug. “Are you ever going to stop humiliating me?”

“Doubtful.” I clinked my mug against his and took a long drink. “Come on, don’t sulk. You’re drinking with a gorgeous girl who’s buying. Count your blessings.”

“You should be counting yours,” he muttered, finally glancing at me. “I saved your life back there.”

“And I’m buying you ale, aren’t I? You’re welcome.” I smirked, tilting my head. “Unless the truth is you followed me here because you’re obsessed with me. Don’t worry, Cassie, it happens. I inspire unhealthy devotion everywhere I go.”

“Tch.” His scowl deepened. “I followed you for one reason. The same reason I asked back in Cinabar. How did you kill that Wyrm? I’ve been watching you, and apart from your talking creepy thing that’s in your bag you are nothing special. His eyes narrowed.

Shit. He’d seen Arkanthos.

Do you want me to incinerate him now, mistress? The skeletal voice whispered in my mind, eager.

Not yet, I answered silently. Let’s see how this plays out first.

Cassian leaned closer. “Besides, you’re only buying me drinks because you want something. Last time we met, you practically tried to peel the skin off me with your words. Now you’re playing nice. It pisses me off. What do you want, you lunatic?”

I clutched my chest dramatically. “Oh! Not only handsome, but perceptive too. Fine, you caught me. I do want something. Since you’ve already met my bony little friend, how about a deal?”

His eyebrow lifted, but he took another long drink. “A deal?”

“Yes. I tell you how I killed the Wyrm. I prove I’m more than just a pretty face and a fabulous robe. And in return, you keep quiet about Mister Bones and join my adventuring group. Did you know you need three members to form a party? The rules are ridiculous.” I drained half my mug in one go.

Cassian slammed his mug down. “Listen. I don’t give a damn about your skeleton, unless it explains your powers. But unless you’re stronger than me, I’m not joining your little club. I’ve never wanted to be chained to some guild. It’s a waste of my time.”

“Oh, excuse me.” I rolled my eyes. “The strong, silent, devastatingly handsome loner routine. How original. You’d be perfect in a group, Cassie. Brooding in the back while I do the talking. But fine. Your loss. I was going to give you a private demonstration in the alley… but if you’re not interested, I’ll take my talents elsewhere.”

I tossed some coins on the counter, downed the rest of my ale, and slid off the stool toward the door.

From the corner of my eye, I caught the flicker of interest he was trying—and failing—to hide.

“Fine,” he said finally, his voice like thunder on the horizon. “Show me what you can do. But if you disappoint me…” His gaze darkened, hard enough to cut steel. “I’ll untie that girl you left in the alley and let her finish you off.”

I grinned, wicked and sharp, as I pushed the door open.

“Deal.”

When we got back to the alley, Myrrin was already awake. Blood trickled from her temple, but her eyes were sharp, burning with hate. Just pure loathing. She glared at us through the gag, wrists straining against the ropes like she could will them to snap.

“See, Cassie?” I said cheerfully, spreading my arms like I was presenting a prize. “She’s gorgeous. Would make a fantastic housewife, really. Shame about the personality, though. Every time she sees me, she pulls these faces like she just bit into a rotten lemon. Give her a few years, those wrinkles will set in for good.”

Myrrin made a furious, muffled sound, something between a growl and a curse. “Mmmhhmmfhfmmffh!” She writhed against the ropes, eyes blazing daggers.

I tilted my head, smirking. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’d take the gag off, but I already know what would come out of that pretty little mouth—nothing but insults. And honestly? I prefer you quiet. So, just imagine you’re that goblin turd I stepped in yesterday and wiped off with a filthy rag. That’s the one in your mouth now, by the way. Disgusting, really. Can’t believe you’re not gagging.”

Her muffled growl grew louder, more desperate, her cheeks flushing red with rage. Perfect.

Behind me, Cassian let out an annoyed sigh. “Are you going to start already, or waste my night making bad jokes?”

I glanced at him over my shoulder and winked. “Relax, handsome. I’ll get to the fireworks. Patience isn’t your strong suit, is it?”

He crossed his arms, unimpressed. “Prove yourself, maniac priestess. Now.”

“Fine, fine. Gods, you’re such a killjoy.”

I pulled Arkanthos out of the bag and set him down on a barrel lying in the corner of the alley.

“Ah, greetings,” the skull said, cheerful as ever. “The first time my mistress introduces me properly to someone, and I look like this. My apologies for my appearance, and for not shaking your hand, Lord Cassian—but as you can see, my current condition makes it rather difficult. I am Arkanthos Veylarion of the Three Suns, Grand Custodian of the Empire of Eryndralith.”

Cassian didn’t look impressed. If anything, he looked disgusted. He kept his distance, as if being too close to a talking skull might be contagious.

Myrrin, though—her eyes went wide as plates. If she hadn’t already fainted earlier, she might have collapsed again right there.

“Alright,” I said, clapping my hands together. “Arkanthos, I don’t want to kill Myrrin—though, trust me, a couple of kicks in the teeth would feel so good—but that would cause me some problems. You mentioned before that in the old days, people like me could… move themselves across space, a few meters at a time, right?”

“That is correct, Mistress,” Arkanthos replied.

“Good. Now, instead of moving myself, could I… I don’t know, move someone else? Or maybe an object?”

The skull clicked his jaw thoughtfully. “I do not know, Mistress. The full scope of your power is beyond even my knowledge. But everything is worth attempting. And if you fail, well, I could always incinerate the girl myself. She would be nothing but ash in moments!” He chuckled darkly.

Myrrin started trembling. She knew he wasn’t bluffing. It was like Death itself had spoken to her.

“Well then, let’s give it a shot,” I said, cracking my knuckles. I turned toward Cassian with a smirk. “Time to impress you, pretty boy. Hope you’re ready.”

Cassian raised an eyebrow, but the faintest flicker of interest lit his storm-grey eyes.

I focused. Teleportation didn’t exist here—not really. But I had an idea. I thought of emails from my old life, messages that traveled instantly across impossible distances. I layered that memory with the fury still burning in me from Myrrin’s little chokehold stunt. That had been… unacceptable.

The moment I linked the thoughts, something inside me shifted. Heat surged, radiant and blinding, until an aura burst around me. It was light—pure, hot, almost unbearable.

Cassian actually stepped back.

Then—flash. A crack like thunder. Myrrin was gone.

Cassian’s jaw dropped. “What… what just happened? That energy—so condensed in such a small space—I’ve never seen anything like it. Not even the greatest mages can focus power like that. Where is she? What did you do?”

“Oh, too many questions, handsome.” I leaned on the barrel, grinning ear to ear. “If all went well, she’s probably at the palace of Virelia right now, whining to Princess Lyra about an evil priestess and her talking skull. Right, Arkanthos?”

“Indeed, Mistress,” the skull said with a chuckle. “I would not be surprised in the least.”

“Virelia?” Cassian’s eyes widened. “That’s nearly a month’s journey from here! Impossible! You’re saying you… you sent her across that distance in an instant? That kind of magic— I’ve never— Was that how you killed the Wyrm? Did you just… send it away?”

I exchanged a look with Arkanthos—and burst out laughing.

“Gods, I hadn’t even thought of that,” I wheezed, wiping tears from my eyes. “Would’ve been clever, though. No, no—I just fried the thing. First time I ever used an actual ‘attack spell,’ and maybe I overdid it.”

“If only we’d had something to skewer that glorified lizard,” Arkanthos added merrily. “With a bit more restraint from the Mistress, we could have feasted on Wyrm skewers that night.”

Cassian stared at me, mouth still half open in disbelief. Then, slowly, he smirked. The look was a strange mix—half admiration, half warning.

He thought I was insane.

And maybe I was.