14: Dazzled And Damned

The light was bright, even through my closed eyes, and each shallow breath was a struggle filled with a thick, musky stench. A familiar muted sky of grayish-blue hung above me when I looked. There was no dark void or white light to welcome me into the afterlife.

"But how? I… I thought…"

Nothing worked from my shoulders down. Something pinned me to the ground. I looked at what was there, and a large yellow eye stared back.

I immediately clamped my eyes shut and angled my face away from it. I had to distance myself as much as possible, even if it held me in place. I didn’t need to see the carnage of an oversized wolf feeding on my barely living remains, but being ripped apart by a hungry beast didn't hurt as much as I expected. I laid there and wondered whether it would take much longer. Was I in shock? I waited—defeated—with nothing left.

"Just… end it already. Please…"

Nothing happened.

There were no teeth tearing into my flesh or throat. No crunching sound of bones in the beast’s jaws, or the splatter of blood. Just… nothing.

I peeked again, squinting as if that would hide any gory details. The hunger and murderous intent were gone, leaving the cloudy yellow eye empty. All I saw was my face reflected in it.

Being stuck under the beast all night left my body with almost no feeling except something like a rock in my right hand. I eventually wiggled, slid, and inched my way out from beneath the hulking mass of muscle and fur with the little strength I could manage. When I finally escaped the creature’s smothering hold, it slumped down, pushing the embedded sword deeper. Ridges of its spine and broken pieces of ribs, along with two familiar stone tips, ruptured the beast's back from within. Blood drenched the impaling sword, the beast, me, and left the surrounding ground stained red.

My eyes flashed over to the statue. It still held a vigil over the ruins, but the sword I coveted was no longer with its owner. Fragments of the night before, and pieces of a desperate plea for help, floated to the surface of my memory. When the beast attacked, I had it. The sword was right there, in my hands, but I never swung the blade. The weapon just came along for the ride. I never attempted a heroic final act of defiance in the face of certain death, but the beast wound up dead, anyway.

"No. No! I-I didn’t mean to… I… I’m so—"

Sorry? Is that what you were about to say? No, you're not. I'm… not. Am I?

It wouldn't be sorry if the roles were reversed. It would simply lick its chops, removing any evidence of the meal from its fur. I'd be nothing but a smear on the ground. It wouldn't think twice about me before searching for its next prey.

Sure, I was alive, but it wasn’t because I fought back. I was too terrified to move when it lunged at me. Fighting back implied I knew what I was doing, but it was an accident—a mistake. The beast lost, but I didn’t win or steal the victory for myself. It was the sword. Only the sword.

My eyes kept returning to the carcass. I found it difficult to look away. I’d never been responsible for something dying before, even unintentionally. The thought of having any part in it made my stomach twist and my throat burn from bile. Staring at the thing, I wondered how anyone could get used to killing, and whether this was just the first time I’d be there when something died.

I blinked.

Metal?

No. It was blood.

But… Why do I taste—? Ow!

I pulled my hand from my mouth. The tip of my middle finger hurt, bleeding from biting the nail too short.

"Wait, wasn't I soaked in…?" I spat out the taste. Having that thing's blood in my mouth made my stomach lurch, but my hand was clean. I forced a few more blinks, then looked around. The rest of the world came back into focus. I was naked, sitting on the ground with my back against the basin bench. My clothes looked a little damp, laying next to me in the afternoon sun to dry. I didn't understand. The blood was everywhere, but I'd stripped and washed away the evidence. "When did I…?"

The beast remained where I left it, but the sword was missing. Pulled free, cleaned, and within arm's reach. The pot I had knocked over the night before was upright; back where I kept it next to the fountain with a fresh puddle from being used.

Half the day was gone, and yet I remembered nothing after pulling myself out from underneath that thing.

"Shouldn't I be thirsty, or… hungry? Why can't I remember what happened?"

I reached for my clothes. Thanks to the sun's warmth, they were mostly dry, and so was I. Muscles I didn't even know how to use ached when I forced myself to get dressed.

"I… I need to go…" If it had been just one day earlier, I'd be checking for berries and digging up some of those vegetables for dinner. I had enough stored in my hovel to warrant a day off, but whatever I did next, I didn't want to go anywhere without the sword. Being without it meant I was defenseless.

I shook my head to clear the remaining fog from my senses and grabbed the sword's handle to bring it along. I almost wound up on the ground beside it.

"Damn, that's heavy. How the hell did I move it here?"

It required both hands to lift, and by that I mean pull. I dragged it by the crossguard to lug it along. The sound of the twin tips scraping against the paved stones of the ruins was a grating noise similar to nails on a chalkboard or cutlery on a plate. A shiver shot down my spine with each step as I towed it behind me.

The few chores I bothered with took a little longer than normal. The burden of keeping the sword close slowed me down, but that didn’t bother me. Leaving it behind wasn’t a choice. Besides, the chance to find any ripe berries was too much to ignore.

Already nearing the end of the day, I knew I'd barely accomplished anything. The whole day had been a waste, passing in the blink of an eye, but that was about to change. I still had unfinished business at the church. The sun was already setting by the time I arrived, and the pristine jewel had its strange sparkle again. It made a perfect target for practice.

Too heavy to swing like my useless stick, I used my body like a fulcrum to carry the sword's weight. The lower half of the blade dug into my right shoulder before I brought it down like an executioner's axe.

Gong!

A dull, out-of-tune tone rang out and sent vibrations into my arms from the sudden contact. The sword struck the slab. I missed the jewel. I tried again. It made the same tone every time, and every swing was another clumsy miss.

"Is this what you wanted from me, huh?"

I grunted through another swing. My shoulder felt sore from the weight and raw from the sword rubbing against it. The sword missed, grazing the side of the pedestal with a shower of sparks from the friction.

"D-dammit! I still can't… Why?!"

Out of breath and tired from my repeated unsuccessful swings, I dropped the sword with a thud. I didn't know what else to do. My arms were too weak after hoisting the sword up over and over, and trembled from the vibrations that each strike sent into them.

I wiped my eyes to clear a blurring world of infuriating tears. I wanted the jewel gone after the way it reacted to my blood. I didn’t trust it anymore than the voice that dumped me in the ruins a couple weeks earlier. My limited options of dealing with it left me in a place I didn't want to be in. I could avoid it entirely, but that meant avoiding the church and the possibility of getting home. Smashing it proved futile, at least with rocks, and I missed the damn thing with every single strike of the sword. Covering it was a possibility, but that meant getting close enough that I might touch it. That left me in my current predicament, staring at it, hating it, focusing all my aggression on… it.

The jewel’s muted colors shifted between purple hues, like the slow and steady rhythm of a hypnotizing heartbeat. Lilac. Periwinkle. Lilac. Periwinkle…

A sense of calm radiated from it the longer I watched, crashing against my desperate frustration. The rest of the world faded into the background until nothing else seemed to exist. A magnetic pull drew me towards the jewel. I took a step, paused, then my other foot brought me closer.

"No! Stop! What am I—?"

Too late. My left hand was already palm down on the jewel’s smooth, cool surface. The trance controlling me shattered with a jolt. A flash of light blinded me, and I took a sharp breath in, expecting the worst.

A rush of warmth flowed into me through my arm like a soothing wave. The energy spread through every part of me and settled in my chest. All the lingering aches, pain, injuries, and worries I'd collected during my time in the ruins waned and vanished completely. It reminded me of the hands on my back before the push towards the church's windows.

I felt better than I had in a long time, even before the voice abducted me. Burdens I couldn't even identify left my body and mind. As the energy dissipated, a residual sense of calmness took over and a clear bell rang in my head. The jewel released my hand with a subtle vibration.

A vivid brilliance of the jewel's colors, outshining even sun dipping behind the mountains, bathed the ruins before collapsing inward. An eerie glow followed in its wake, enveloping the church and me, until receding back to the jewel itself.

I checked myself for burns or other new wounds, but the implosion of light left me unharmed. Actually, it left me without any trace of physical damage, old or new. The jewel healed me. Only my pajamas, or what remained of them, showed the scars of my time in this world. When the awe of it all passed, my emotions flooded back like a torrent.

"You mean, I… This could have—The entire time? THE ENTIRE TIME?! It could have healed me the first night I—?! Are you kidding me?! I-I’ve been falling, and… failing… and… and… This? THIS?! What the HELL is your problem?! This really is just a stupid game to you, isn't it? ISN'T IT?! Am I that much of a joke to you?! Answer me, dammit!"

I waited for the voice to intrude with an unwanted opinion, similar to the first time it spoke to me in the dark void.

Silence.

"This isn't… I… I'm not… a…"

Furious, I acted without thinking. I latched onto the sword's handle with a white-knuckled grip and swung.

Gong!

The sword hit the jewel dead center and bounced from the vibration. Not done, I hit it again, and again, then missed. My shoulders rose and fell as my chest heaved with each labored breath. I left the sword resting on its edge beside the jewel. It continued to glow without a single blemish or scratch from my newest assault.

The few birds still in the area took flight, apparently annoyed by the racket. Out of breath, I let the sword fall to the ground. Then it all clicked.

"Hold on. Did I just…?" I reached down with both hands, grabbed the crossguard like I had back at the fountain, and pulled. "Oof—!" The pommel came up too fast and caught the base of my sternum. I dropped it again. Although still heavy, it was less of a struggle to pick up than before. Curious, I grabbed the handle with only my right hand. "Ung—Nope!"

The weight was too much and awkward to balance single-handed, but two hands was a different story. I made slow, grand, sweeping swings, like I was practicing some kind of morning exercise in the park. The stone sword was much more manageable for some reason. I even slung it over my shoulder, still requiring both hands, and was able to carry it without dragging the thing behind me. Goodbye horrible, spine-tingling sounds.

Oddly, I didn’t feel any stronger after touching the jewel. Instead, it felt as if the symptoms of my weakness, my fatigue and pain, were gone. I just wasn’t being held back as much anymore.

"Really? At least tell me the jewel isn’t a damn trap! Y-you… you… manipulative… psychotic… bastard."

The last traces of the sun were on the cusp of disappearing for the night. I took it as a cue to do the same and returned to my hovel.