My Life Before The End

May 23 / 2023

7 am. It was a good time to wake up- for a normal person that is. I- Yusof Harim, spent the night last night reading a new book I bought from the store close to the place I work. It was absolutely boring so I was extra fatigued and caused me to sleep really well. So well in fact, If I'm one to listen to my desires, I really wanted to sleep in more even if the amount of rest I had was enough.

However, I can't because tomorrow is the deadline of a project entrusted to me by my boss. I really don't want to lose my job so I have to even if I'm lazy.

I haven't even left bed. I was in a position that one would look and say 'let him sleep a little longer'. I don't know exactly how I'm sleeping but I have a good glimpse of it.

My arms are extended as if I'm about to give a hug while both of my legs are making a sharp 'V'. Truly a great sleeping position especially at a time like this.

Alas all good things must come to an end.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to get rid of the eye wax that accumulated during my sleep, I sat down and made simple stretches preparing myself for the day.

I sluggishly left the bed standing up with my back hunched a little. I was topless and wearing boxers, unlike a summer day, the weather early in the morning is pretty cool. no wonder my sleep under the thick blanket was so comfortable last night.

I was going to be a bit late so I immediately went to my bathroom which was one of the only 3 rooms in my run down apartment to freshen up for this new day. I looked in the mirror and saw someone with bed hair. It was around my eye length so it wasn't that hard to manage.

I caressed my chin and mouth to see if I am growing any facial hair. Which I am not, I have to blame genetics on this one because neither of my parents had any facial hair.

Accepting the fact that I will never grow facial hair, I took out hair shaving cream and a razor from my mirror cupboard, looked at them one last time and threw them in the garbage.

"Guess I won't be needing these."

There were no regrets, it seemed I never really needed them anyway. I took a brisk shower. A good reason for this action is that my body has a bad tolerance for cold because the environment  I grew up in had very high temperatures daily thus cold temperatures can easily make me sick.

I wiped my body thoroughly and looked at the mirror. I look much better now, and my hair is now straight and easy to shape.

I went back to the living room which was the same room as my bedroom and it was pretty spacious, since I don't have many furnishings or belongings-- well it's more accurate to say I don't have any money to buy any of them.

I put on my work clothes which are the only work clothes I have in my wardrobe and checked everything before I left. I looked at my phone one last time and saw the date.

8:21 am, Friday.

It was a Friday.. Usually work on Friday starts at 11 am.. guess I'll go get something to eat.

Before I closed my phone I saw a notification regarding the global news and saw one of my old classmates, namely Junior, is now a professional athlete and just won a gold medal in the 100 meter run country stage yesterday. I'd be happy if I still lived in that country. Now I'm just someone who lives in another country with an average life. I don't have any right to be happy about that.

I put on my shoes, locked the door, wore my coat and proceeded to start another boring day.

____________

The day was like a normal day, the crowds were also normal crowds, the screens on the city buildings report about the weather today was pretty normal too. It was going to be another normal day.

"Next!"

A hoarse voice can be heard from the counter of a shop, probably due to always screaming 'Next!'. Well.... the business in this shop is also normal I see. I made a wry smile by myself. The lines reached somewhere my eyes couldn't see, well this place really is a good place, so it's understandable, I took out my phone to look at the time.

"Next!"

10 am. I'm currently waiting in line to buy a quick breakfast from my favourite bread shop.

It's wont be a problem for me to line up because the distance to office wasn't far and the service in this shop is very fast, I'll be in the front of the line in no time.

"Next!" Speak of the devil, I'm already here.

"3 chocolate breads please" I placed my order and the vendor nodded.

I see the vendor who was most likely in his old age quickly take out 3 pieces of chocolate bread and placed them inside a wrapper which he then wrapped quickly with such precision.

"Here you go sir." He handed me over the bread.

"Thank you." I replied while handing him over 500 yen. I should receive 200 yen remaining. I'll use that to buy a drink from the vending machine at the office.

"Next!" What. I was surprised, I didn't get my change. Did the cost go up? No it didn't seem so. I clearly see the menu and chocolate bread costs 100 yen each.

" Hey mister I thought one chocolate bread was 100 yen, I paid 500 yen. '' I asked calmly, I want to resolve this quickly. I don't want any unwanted troubles.

" Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about but you're holding up the customers." He replied as if he was playing dumb.

" Don't play dumb with me, you old geezer. Just give me my 200 yen and I'll be on my way"

" If you're not gonna buy anything else you should leave" he was being persistent

" What kind of rip-off business is this, or are you already going senile old man?" I provoked the old man, he was visibly getting enraged.

"Listen here immigrant. I don't care where you're from or what you're doing in this country.. but you're not contributing much to society, if anything.. you're taking what rightfully should belong to the Japanese Citizens! So a mere 200 yen compared to the life you're living right now that could have been mine? It's a steal! " The old man vendor is getting angry while spouting out some nonsense, senile old man.

He seems to recognize I'm not one of the people born here. He holds deep hatred for people like me, people who emigrated to Japan in search for a better life and indirectly steals rights which should be theirs- the Japanese Citizens.

He was right, but that is not an excuse to act like that.

"What's wrong with the person there?"

" Why is the line taking so long?"

"Hurry up, I need to be at work!"

The scream of anger the old man let out caused a commotion.

"Bet you failed in life, that's why you came here. I'm sure you're just another salaryman. What can people like you contribute to society?"

I was so angry that I lost my sense of control.

"You like money so much? TAKE IT" I screamed while I took all the coins from my money pouch and threw it directly towards his face with great force.

The amount of coins and the force I put in to hit the old man was probably too much for him since he fell down on his back. Hah! Serves you right, thief!

" That person threw coins at an old man!"

"What a scumbag!"

"I overheard from their conversation that he is an immigrant!"

"An immigrant? That's so gross... it's not surprising he did that! He wasn't raised to respect elders."

People were talking bad things about me.

I want to get angry, I want to stand up for myself here. I want to show them my frustrations buried  inside me.

However I can't. It's not because I'm afraid that this will cause more trouble than it already did.

It was because they were right.

I'm just someone who failed my dreams, sought refuge trying to cope and tried starting life in another place in an attempt to start over.

My eyes are getting blurry. What is this? Oh.. it's water.. my eyes are watery.. ah.. these... These are tears. Ah.. hahaha. Never thought.. I'd get hurt over something like this...

I wiped my tears with my sleeves while everyone was staring at me. It was an embarrassing scene.

I proceeded to my workplace

*Anakata Computing Services*

I entered the building and did the formalities of work attendance.

*beep*

The sound of me checking into the office.

12 pm. I wanted to shut myself down. I wanted to sleep for a bit because I got tired from dealing with people like that. I entered the office and saw two desks. One was mine and the other was the boss's. Yusuke Anakata.

He and I are the only two people working here. Well, he first hired me because he was desperate but looking at all this paperwork and he isn't even here yet. He is naturally irresponsible and wanted someone to share his work. I don't know how he even retained this place. After turning on the AC and sitting down. I absolutely was convinced.

"Today is a normal boring uneventful day again".

I turned on the computer, put extra focus on the monitor and started work myself.

____________

"C'mon man." A person with the voice of a man called out to me.

"You've been going at it since noon, you sure you don't need any refreshments?" He continued, he seemed really insistent, well not like it was a big deal anyway. The reason I've been doing this non-stop is because I really wanted to go home early. I don't know what is the reason for me to go home early so I lost focus. Before I knew it was paying attention to the man talking next to me.

I took my eyes off the middle of the screen and looked at the time. 3:30pm.

After that I took my eyes off the computer monitor and looked next to me. In front of my eyes is a Japanese man standing up looking pretty laid back smiling normally, he was wearing work clothes and had brown hair covering his left eye that was taken care of nicely. Honestly, my first impression of him was someone who liked to make girls cry, but after knowing him, he's too shy to even talk to a girl.

Yes, this man was my boss. Although he may not really be fit to be my boss considering my description of him along with how I treat him so casually, he is indeed still my boss. I started a conversation with Yusuke.

"I'm looking Yusuke Anakata.. You said 'you sure you don't want any refreshments' so I assumed you would be holding something for me to drink."

"Tsk, tsk Mr. Yusof Harim.. I said 'need' not 'want' , there is a significant difference. If you told me you specifically 'needed' it I would have run a short errand to get something for you to drink."

"You betrayed my expectations once again Yusuke-kun. You'll never find a girlfriend like this."

"Agh.. Why does everything you say leads to me not having a girlfriend!?" Yusuke's voice cracked while being teary eyed when he replied to me.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha"

I let out a wholehearted laughter, Yusuke seemed to still have the no-girlfriend crisis. Well it's understandable, despite being 27 his parents are urging him to get married and give them grandchildren. How do I know? Well... Yusuke had a phone call suddenly during one of our overtime work and he has this tendency to use speaker mode. All his mother's yelling 'I don't want to die without seeing my grandchildren'..... I heard loud and clear.

He was depressed because I teased him like that, well that's on me. I patted his back to gain his attention and he looked at me with a sullen face.

"Sorry man.. look, we'll get some drinks at the vending machine, it's on me." I tried to cheer him up by offering him some drinks.

His face immediately lightened up as if his sullen expression from before was just an illusion. This man is too easy.

"C'mon then, let's go." I waved my hand in an action as if I'm inviting him to come along, Yusuke followed.

____________

4 pm, I looked at my watch while waiting for 2 sodas to fall.

*Bong* *Clang *Bong* *Clang*

I picked up the sodas from inside the vending machine, they were cold. I looked behind me and walked towards a bench where I saw Yusuke leaning on the seat, closing his eyes. He's so carefree.

"Here you go." I tossed him the soda, in hopes of catching him off guard.

Yusuke, without even opening his eyes, perfectly caught the soda heading his way. Tch.. this man is such a show off. Although I can't lie, he surprised me a little.

"I may not be able to hone my skills in talking to women but I have mastered the art of catching sodas thrown at me with my eyes closed." Yusuke praised himself while talking in a smug way.

"Sure man, at this rate you'll get married to your hands, you seem to have a better relationship with them than all of the opposite gender." I retorted calmly.

"Hahaha.. you're just jealous you don't have hands as skillful as mine"

"Sure man whatever."

I wasn't really in the mood to joke around since I was tired, especially since this morning. I leaned against the seat and looked out the window, it was sunny. I smiled. Then I noticed a signboard showing a video of one of my classmates during high school. Rumi Yang. she's famous.. reaching even here. Her dream was to be an idol, a famous one. I made fun of her because it was a stupid dream.. but look at her, succeeding in life way better than me.

Suddenly something rose inside me, like a buried feeling. It's like the tiredness is taking over, the feelings that intensified from my treatment the time I'm here and all my hidden feelings are about to come out. This place.. this weather.. this job.. this life.... I have it.. but do I like it?.. Do I? Did I do something wrong before? Like with Rumi? With Junior? That led me into this very moment? I don't know..

Ah.. it's my self-loathing, I hate it when I start to think about my past. I had a lot of regrets... Even if I was a good student, I had no vision, nothing to fight for, nothing that made me motivated for the future, even with all the praise and encouragement, all I ever did was lock myself in my room thinking I could do good when in reality I don't even know what I should do.. I would always tell myself that it's alright and I could do it.. but in the end.. Here I am.

An underachieving man with an uneventful life.

I don't have anything I wanted because I never wanted anything in the first place.

I don't have anything to cherish because I never cared for anything in the first place.

Now that is left of me is a 30 year old incomplete person who never sought for completion with an unfulfilling life in another country not even making any sort of difference.

If only I could rewind time..

If only I could be reborn..

"You really thought about your life like that huh.." Yusuke was looking down while smiling. I came back to my senses, it seems like I was thinking out loud.

"Sorry.. I said some weird things." I apologize while looking down too, ah.. some water fell from my eyes.. These are my tears.. They seem to fall down quite often recently.

Yusuke seemed to have noticed it and started to talk in a calming tone.

"You know... Up until 8 years ago.. when I first opened the shop... I always thought the same things you did. What would happen if I studied harder? What would have happened if I actually had a goal.. but 8 years ago, I was caught up in a shooting and almost died from a shot in the stomach . I was in a coma for 3 weeks but I made it... and with that experience.. I came to realize how beautiful everything is once I really tried to cherish it."

"..."

I couldn't say anything against him, he's younger than me but he's wise... He continued.

" For example, for the last 4 years working here. I have gained one worker and also a very good friend. He is very kind but likes to make fun of me because I don't have a girlfriend when he himself doesn't have one either and he's older than me!"

That final part seems awfully close to me and he even emphasized it by making his tone louder when he said that.

"hahahaha you're right on that, and you really can't get a girlfriend if you go all godfather on someone like that" I slit in a joke, while laughing.

"So you're lying about your feelings when you said all that!? Jeez.. I shared some of my personal feelings too." He replied to me in shock and he whispered shyly at the last part.

You were? I'm sorry. That said, I made a decision. It was thanks to you I was able to do this, Yusuke.

"Thank you" I thanked him with a straight face, my feelings and anxiousness that I have buried all this time are now gone. Starting from this day I will be a better man, no longer clinging to the past.

Yusuke however made an embarrassed face and blushed. What are you a girl who just got confessed or something?

"I appreciate your gratitude and honesty but.. Well just so you know Yusof I'm not into that so even if you develop feelings for me I might or might not accept you." Yusuke was speaking pretty fast and his words are as if he got the wrong idea.

Well never mind.

I laughed wholeheartedly as I stood up and threw the empty soda can at the rubbish bin from next to the vending machine which can be considered a far distance and striked an unnecessarily cool pose.

"Show off.. guess you're back to normal right." Yusuke also stood up and did the same thing I did.. also succeeding and also striking an unnecessarily cool pose. Show off.

"Guess so." I replied with a smile

"Cherish our time here, because you only appreciate what you used to always have when you lose them" Yusuke then put up a smug face and did a thumbs up as if the words he said was just pep talk.

"Alright man sure whatever you say." I replied in a sarcastic tone while shrugging it off.

"Alright then, lets head back to the office and wrap it up for today." Yusuke spoke to me while taking the lead.

"Yes Boss" I replied to him jokingly.

"Don't call me that, it feels weird now after so long."

"Not as weird as the pose you made after throwing your can"

"Hey I rate that pose an 8 out of 10 " Yusuke turned his head around as he replied to me.

We both laughed as we began to walk heading to the office. That is 2 rooms away from the place we are right now.

____________

Me and Yusuke are on our way back to the office, from afar one can see the piles of paperwork on Yusuke's desk and my desk which is clean because I rushed my work unlike a certain man.

"Oi... You think you can finish all that before the deadline?.." I made a worried face while pointing at Yusuke's pile of unfinished work that was impossible for a single human being to finish before tomorrow, which was the deadline.

"Ehe, I'll just do my best then." Yusuke is still able to be playful even though he has a lethal amount of piled work.

"Whatever you say man.." I shrugged and replied to him.

Huh? I heard something strange, like something falling.

"Hmm. Yusuke do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" He was confused

"No, listen closely" 

"I don't hear anything- Oh wait I can hear it now! Why is it getting louder?"

Yusuke made that remark and entered the doorway with me right behind him.

*CRASH*

Something huge hit the building that made an incredible sound that can deafen ones ear.

"What was that!?- Oooh" Yusuke screamed in surprise. Something crashed into the building and made our balance off, it's as if the building is going to fall down anytime. Yusuke got thrown by the force in front of me and ended up behind my desk while I was thrown back to the vending machine.

"YUSUKE!" I tried calling out to him

He didn't reply, it made me worry for a moment.

The building state was diagonal; it's as if we are about to fall down sideways out the window.

"BRACE YOURSELF" I screamed to Yusuke who was not in view, I can only hope he heard me.

I was prepared to slide sideways while hugging the vending machine so it can be a shield against any sharp objects or concrete. It was going to be a nasty fall and I was hoping I'll survive.

Then suddenly

*CRASH*

An even louder explosion came from the side we we're supposed to fall.