Your Core Motive

 For all of her determination, however, Serena had yet to improve despite daily training. Elias heard her tossing and turning every evening, and she kept her distance. More than once, he caught her practicing spell chants and movements in their room. The way she practiced so religiously, it was like she wanted nothing else out of life than to be a caster like her father. And yet for some reason, she seemed incapable.

Maybe there was something about Serena’s body that prevented her from casting, but he didn’t dare suggest that. He couldn’t imagine how crushed she would be if that ended up being true, and he didn’t want to plant that seed of doubt in her mind. The best he could do was offer encouragement, and remind her to eat and drink. Sometimes he would even bring food and drink to their bedroom for her.

Serena accepted these offerings with the sweetest smile, even though her eyes remained tired.

One day they lay on their beds. From the sounds of her shifting and squirming amidst the blankets, Elias surmised that this would be another sleepless night for her.

“Why do you want to learn magic so badly anyway?” he said. “I know that it’s magic, but still. Is there a spell you really, really want to cast?”

“There is,” she said after a moment. Elias expected further elaboration, but none came. Instead he received a long sigh. “How about you?”

“Something that would let me find my sister or mum,” said Elias.

“And if you can’t do that?” said Serena.

“Then I guess I’d…huh.” Now that he gave it thought, had he ever thought about anything that didn’t involve Tibby? His mother had always compared them, and he’d only ever heard of her accomplishments. But it didn’t end there. It’d never seemed strange back in his world, but now, he realized just how strange it was that he’d never had a thought for himself. Like he’d pulled a shroud away that’d been covering his eyes, and he could see fully. And with that newly realized sight, Elias saw that he’d been bound to a particular person. Tibby had been pleasant and his beloved sibling, but still the thought made him shudder. “I guess I’d want to learn healing magic.” It was more a reaction to Leon burning and stepping on his tail, but it was something.

“Healing magic sounds nice,” said Serena.

A question came to mind, and Elias took a deep breath before speaking it into the room.

“What would you want to do instead of learning magic?” probed Elias.

“Nothing,” said Serena. “That’s the only thing I want.”

“Nothing at all?” said Elias.

“Nothing,” Serena insisted.

“What about something you could do alongside magic?” said Elias.

“Just magic,” said Serena. “Nothing else.” Her voice shifted from a mere wistfulness to an intensity that came from deep within her chest. She turned onto her side, and Elias felt her eyes staring at him from the darkness of the bedroom. As though she sought magic like an animal sought its next meal.

“What about once you learn that spell you mentioned?” probed Elias.

“Then I’d learn more magic after that,” said Serena. “There’s always more to learn. I’d have my father to teach me.”

“I guess that’s true,” said Elias. That singleminded focus on magic might’ve been the reason that Serena had thrown out the previous decorations in the room. They had nothing to do with magic, so they had to go. Maybe Merloine had asked him to befriend Serena because she, obsessed with magic like she was, wouldn’t go out of her way to make friends with anyone. “Doesn’t it get lonely though?” he said.

“I…” She fell quiet for longer than Elias expected, to the point that he chimed in again to fill the silence.

“Leon burned me with magic,” he said. “You never went to him to learn that? Not that you’d want to burn my tail, but you know what I mean.” Not that Elias wanted her to get anywhere near that bully, but it seemed odd that she seemed so irked by him when he could do something she was interested in.

“Of course I didn’t,” said Serena, as though such a thing was obvious. “After I came back here from visiting father, he tried to give me this ensemble of glass jewelry he’d made while I was gone. He even tried to kiss me. Said that he missed me heaps, even though it felt like I barely knew him. I knew that we roomed together, but we weren’t close. Not nearly close enough for him to kiss me like that.” She huffed. “But I went to Kuchisake, and she made sure that Leon would never try something like that again.” A firm shake of her head punctuated her words. “Leon is weird, basically. I wouldn’t pay him any attention. I’m just sorry that he hurt your cute tail.”

“It’s okay.” Elias blushed upon realizing that she’d complimented his tail. “And thanks.”

“So is there anything else about you that’s catlike?” An inquisitive air slipped into Serena’s voice. “Other than your tail and ears, I mean.”

“Huh? I don’t know what you mean by…” Despite the darkness of the bedroom, he could somehow feel her gaze descend down the lightly toned plain of his torso, and then lower still. Elias’ blush grew more profuse and his thighs squeezed together. “Does that even matter?”

“Can’t blame a girl for being a teensy bit curious.” Serena chuckled.

Elias turned on his side, facing the wall rather than his roommate. Even after she was no longer in his sight, his cheeks continued to burn.

“Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are?” he mumbled under his breath. “And you still tease me with questions like that.”

“I’m aware of my looks, yes. And I wasn’t teasing,” she said. “I was actually curious.”

Elias couldn’t decide if that made her question better or worse. He shut his eyes rather than dwell on it any further.

“Goodnight Serena,” he said, an air of finality to his tone.

She laughed. “Goodnight, my cute kitty.”

The following morning lesson was another failure for Serena. Though she smiled at the end of the lesson, her smile was a bit too wide to be genuine. Kuchisake averted her gaze for a moment, as though afraid to meet Serena’s gaze. After a moment, she reached forward and squeezed Serena’s shoulder. The grip was tight enough that Serena winced in pain.

“Is everything all right?” Elias made to approach them, but Serena held up a hand.

“It’s fine. I don’t blame Kuchisake for being a bit disappointed. Just means that she’s invested in teaching me.” Serena laughed, but Elias didn’t join her. The look on Kuchisake’s face seemed more intense than mere disappointment, but then she released Serena.

Much like all the other times their sessions concluded, Serena ventured off on her own. Elias gazed after her for a moment, before turning to Kuchisake. The woman’s gaze also lingered on Serena’s departing form.

“Thanks for not giving up on her,” said Elias. Kuchisake didn’t look at him, and didn’t say anything. The silence eventually compelled him to ask the question he’d been dreading. “You haven’t given up on her, have you?”

That earned a longer silence than he would’ve liked, but she ultimately shook her head. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“I’m glad,” he said. “She wants to learn how to cast so much.” It was almost like she couldn’t want anything else. He didn’t voice that thought aloud, but it made him shiver. Perhaps Kuchisake had noticed that reaction, as she bodily turned to face him.

“Haaarden yooour heaaaart. Juuuust iiin caaaase.”

“Huh? Why?”

But Kuchisake did not answer. She turned and departed, walking up the sandy shore.

While he waited for Serena to return from whatever she got up to after their lessons, Elias returned to the shack. His mind dwelled on Kuchisake’s cryptic words. Hardening his heart? Did she think that Serena would hurt him? That Elias would fall for her and give her his heart, only for her to break it? Kuchisake wouldn’t have said it for no reason. Or maybe it had something to do with how Serena continued to be unable to cast spells.

Upon reaching the shack, he saw a familiar man with sandy colored hair milling about. Leon, and there was no sign of his cronies. Given it’d only been an hour after dawn, they were probably still asleep. He stared at the shack where Elias lived as if in a trance. The man had bullied him before, but after how pitiful he’d looked when he begged Elias to forgive him, he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy. Serena told him not to get involved with Leon, but she wasn’t around.

Elias took a deep breath and walked up to the man. “Hey.”

Leon spun around. He backed away as his gaze fell to Elias’ tail.

“I was just leaving,” he said. He clutched a glass jewelry bracelet in his hand. The jewelry caught the light of the newly risen sun, and Elias’ gaze wandered to it. Leon tucked it out of sight.

“You know she doesn’t like those, right?” said Elias. His hands settled on his hips. This man had probably kept forcing things she didn’t want onto her, until she’d rebuffed him. And now he kept trying to worm his way back inside.

“I don’t need you to tell me that, you thieving cat,” grumbled Leon. “I don’t know what happened. I remembered her loving these, but then I learned that she doesn’t. And that we weren’t as close as I thought we were. Everyone says that she must’ve just pretended the whole time, or I interpreted things wrong, but I…I…I guess she must have felt that way after all.” He shook his head vehemently, his bangs dancing in front of his eyes. He turned to Elias and sucked in a breath. “Are you here to gloat? If you expect me to grovel at your feet again, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“You’re the one that’s standing outside my cabin,” said Elias. “I’m only talking to you because I felt bad about what happened to you. It sounds like you went through a lot with Kuchisake’s punishment. But I guess you’re fine if you can talk like this.” His tail lashed behind him, even as his eyes descended to Leon’s shoes.

Leon straightened up.

“You have no idea what that was like.” he hissed. “Nobody spoke to me. People could hear me, but they refused to acknowledge me. They saw the mark on my face that Kuchisake left, and knew to leave me alone. And they just kept talking as though I wasn’t there. It was just three days last time, but now…so, so much longer. And I know why.” His jaw clenched. He looked at Elias as though something deep inside him might snap in half. “What do you have that I don’t, huh? What makes you so much better suited for Serena than me?” His voice rose, but rather than an undercurrent of anger, he words dipped in distress and bewilderment.

Elias winced. He imagined being unable to talk with anyone, even if they were a mere foot away from him. Marcel and Lin would keep talking amongst themselves while he tried to speak. Even Bill wouldn’t acknowledge him. Like a starving man watching everyone else feast without a care in the world.

A moment of silence, and Leon’s body relaxed.

“Anyway, shouldn’t you be asleep right now?” he said. “Or were you doing some dawn magic training with Kuchisake?”

“How did you know that?” Elias straightened up.

Leon did not answer, but instead returned a toothy grin. The glinting sun shone off of his teeth. “And the lesson is over, but you’re not with Serena right now. I guess you two aren’t as close as I thought.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I figure Kuchisake is trying to convince her to take her magic training more seriously.”

Serena had been so doggedly attempting to learn, yet this man claimed that she needed Kuchisake’s encouragement to even bother trying? Elias’ stomach tightened.

“She takes it very seriously, if you must know,” he said. His fists clenched at his sides as he glared up at Leon. “Sometimes I think it’s the only thing on her mind.”

Leon blinked a few times. Then his brow knitted together.

“Huh.” A single bewildered sound slipped out from Leon’s lips, and then softer words, yet heavy with contemplation, followed. He looked down at the jewelry he’d brought with her. “She sounds so much different than what I remember, but…maybe I have a chance, if I show her my magic again. I will win her heart over and over again if I have to.” The singlemindedness of Leon’s words made Elias shudder.

“I already told you that she’s not interested in your jewelry,” said Elias. “You’re so keen on bothering her with your jewelry. If you know where she is, I’m surprised you’re not there right now, bothering her some more.”

“I don’t want to bother her,” said Leon. He looked Elias up and down. “So you can cast magic yourself then? Or do you use those wands?” A belittling edge coated Leon’s words when he spoke that last word, as if he expected Elias to never be capable of such a feat. “Or were you only there to be her cheerleader during her lessons with Kuchisake?”

Elias hadn’t been able to cast magic without a wand since Kuchisake had begun teaching him and Serena those lessons, but he wanted to wipe that smug smile off of Leon’s face so badly. So he stepped closer and returned a smirk of his own.

“Maybe I can cast without a wand,” he lied.

Leon’s face twitched. “You’re lying.” Elias stared at him down, letting that seed of doubt fester in Leon’s mind. Then the bully’s face wavered. His lips pulled back into a scowl. “You have to be lying.” He retreated back, his feet stepping onto the grass. “I’m supposed to be the only one that can cast, so the Azure Mage took me on as a student back in our world. It was there in my papers. And now you’re telling me that you’re going to not only take my love away, but my role too?” His fingers dug into his scalp. His breaths quickened, and his body swayed unsteadily. Elias imagined that he’d looked the same when he’d first seen that horizon of ink.

Elias’ smirk faded, and he stepped forward.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said. “I can’t cast without the wand yet.”

“Huh?” He glowered at Elias after recovering from his unsteady stupor. “You think this is some joke, don’t you? Tormenting me like this?” Leon’s voice fell to a low growl. Steam unfurled from his fingertips. Elias backed away. “It must be nice to look down at me from that shining tower they just handed to you, where you’ve got the most beautiful girl on your arm. My girl.”

“You’re not making any sense,” said Elias. “Serena isn’t yours. Stop acting like she is. She’s never even brought you up once, other than the fact that you’re a weirdo that I shouldn’t even be talking to.”

The steam faded from Leon’s fingertips. Leon stared at Elias for a while, as though gazing through him at something that Elias couldn’t fathom. “She really said that?” said Leon, and Elias nodded. “That’s not…Serena would never say anything like that. Not about me. Never about me.” He gulped down and fled to his own shack. Elias stared at his back for a while before stepping into his own shack, and then his own room. He climbed into bed and took a nap.

He heard Serena eventually returned to the room. He had half a mind to tell her about that standoff with Leon, but the weight to her posture, as though she bore an unimaginable heft on her shoulders, kept him from speaking.

“Is there anything I can do?” he said, facing the wall and away from her.

“I’m fine,” she said. Her sharp tone said a different story, but that same sharpness let Elias that he probably ought to not probe. Not unless he wanted to get into a spat.

“I’m here,” he said.

He heard Serena shift amidst the blankets. A long, long breath, as though she hadn’t taken such a full gulp of air in an age. She’d only been gone an hour, or maybe two at most. He would’ve called it exaggerated, but there was a faint shudder in it that he couldn’t deny. “Thanks Elias.” From those words of gratitude alone, she seemed as though she would nap for a while.

Eventually Elias woke from his nap, and found Serena still slumbering in her bed. He took his shower, changed into clean clothes, and tiptoed out of the room to avoid waking her. As he stepped out, he saw many other people walking out. Marcel had similarly been walking out with a violin in hand.

“Hey Marcel,” called Elias. “Sleep well?”

“No,” said Marcel. “Lin kept me up all night. Again.” He groaned before turning around to face Elias. True to his words, the man’s face had a pinched look of sleeplessness about it.

“You don’t ask Bill or Kuchisake if you could live somewhere else?”

“Nobody else would want to live with her,” said Marcel. His eyes grew heavy. “And I’ve been alone. Nobody deserves that.” His sullen posture and pinched face reminded Elias of the way Leon had looked when he described his own ordeal. He looked Elias up and down. “Anyway, you look like you’ve got something on your mind?”

“I do?” Elias rubbed at his own face, wondering what could’ve given it away. Eventually he relented with a slump of his shoulders. “Yeah, I do.”

“I’ve got some tea if that would help?” said Marcel. “I think I need a swig myself.”

“I’d like that. Thank you.”

Marcel fetched a cup from his room. His eyes did not bear that weight, but instead harbored a nothingness. Elias took in the familiar green and black swirl for a moment before gulping down the drink. Those anxieties grew distant, but even with its influence, he couldn’t quite push that breath from Serena out of his mind, nor the shift from that to her words of gratitude.

“So not even the tea could wipe it away, huh,” remarked Marcel.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Elias hung his head.

“It’s all right,” said Marcel. “We can talk about it if you want.”

“I’d like that.”

Marcel led the way out of the shack and through the flowers. Elias followed after him. His gaze fell to the violin that remained in Marcel’s arms.

“Did that come with you then?” he said, hoping to make some light conversation before they dug into the heavier topic. “From the world you came from?”

“It did,” said Marcel. “It was broken after I fell on the ground, but Merloine fixed it. I didn’t recognize him at first, but then he told me that he recognized the violin when he’d gone windowshopping.” There was a light pinch of Marcel’s lips. “I didn’t remember it being in a shop, but I guess it must’ve been at some point. I mean, just look at it.” He held it out for Elias to see, and it looked as though it’d been made by a master craftsman.

“You didn’t recognize Merloine at first?” said Elias. “Didn’t he save you and everyone else from the destruction of your guys’ world?”

“He did. He did,” said Marcel, but the repetition only made Elias’ eyebrow rise rather than convince him. “I lived in the same big town as him. And my parents…they wanted me to play the violin. So my father went shopping during Christmas and got one.” That sounded plausible enough, but something about Marcel’s voice didn’t quite land right in Elias’ ears. Marcel wasn’t lying, but there was something else he couldn’t put his finger on.

“That was nice of your father,” said Elias, not sure how to broach whatever feeling underlay Marcel’s words.

Marcel nodded, but his eyes remained heavy.

“He didn’t make it though,” he said. “Merloine tried to use his magic to find him, but there was nothing. Tried to find all of my family, but…nothing.” His shoulders slumped. “So I guess I keep the violin because it’s my role here.”

That word again. Leon had mentioned his role as well, and that seemed deathly afraid that Elias would take it from him.

“Your role?” said Elias. “What do you mean?”

“You know, my role? What I do to contribute around here?” Elias’ face remained mystified, and Leon blinked a few times. “You don’t have one? Huh. Weird.” The way Leon looked at him, as though Elias ought to have a role, made him squirm. “But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Marcel might’ve meant that confidence as a kindness, but those words in particular brought forth a well of shame from deep within Elias. He didn’t want to be weird. He needed to fit in.

“How do I get one?”

“I guess you can ask Bill or Kuchisake whenever they show up?” said Leon. “Anyway, what’s bothering you?” They sat down on some flowers, far away from other people that played with a ball.

“It’s Serena,” said Elias.

“Oh.” A shift to Marcel’s expression, a downward pinching of lips. His grip on the violin visibly tightened. Elias was too busy stewing on his own thoughts to pay the reaction any mind. “What about her?”

“She really wants to learn magic,” said Elias. “Kuchisake has been teaching her, but she hasn’t made any headway.”

“Of course when she wants to learn, she’s having trouble pulling it off.” Marcel shook his head with a snort. The familiarity made Elias stare at him for a moment. His long, slender fingers flew to his lips then, as if he shouldn’t have said that, and realized it. “Anyway, you’re saying she’s getting frustrated?”

“Yeah,” said Elias, though his gaze lingered on the lips in front of Marcel’s lips. “Do you have any ideas for what I could do for her? It’s probably like looking up at a wall you can’t climb over, no matter how much effort you put in. And you want to just see over the top of it badly.”

“Maybe she needs a change of pace?” said Marcel. “If you keep hitting your head against that wall, you’ll crack your head like an egg before you get anywhere. But if you take a breath, take a step back, you might get a breath of fresh air, and a chance to look at the problem from another angle.” Marcel looked as though he wanted to say more, and cast a glance at the violin tucked in his lap, but said nothing.

Elias stared at him. “Any ideas?” he probed.

The request earned a brief glance to Elias, and then another at the violin. Marcel let out a long sigh.

“If you want,” he said. “You could take her out on a picnic date. I can play some music in the background to set the mood.” Even as he made his offer, his tone sounded defeatist, as though Marcel suspected nothing would come of it.

Elias’ lips pinched to the side. “You don’t sound too confident.”

“Huh? No, I…” Marcel’s lips pressed together. His gaze fell to his violin. “My skills have worked wonders in situations like those before. I’m sure they’ll help out here too.” He mustered up a smile. It didn’t quite meet his eyes, but it shone brighter all the same.

“All right,” said Elias. Then a blush blossomed across his cheeks as the rest of Marcel’s words registered. His ears perked up. “Wait, a date?”

“Why not? You don’t find her attractive?”

“It’s not that,” said Elias. “It’s just…” A troubled hum passed between pressed lips as he recalled the way Leon had waited outside the shack. “Someone as pretty as Serena, she’s probably gotten lots of attention from other people, right? Wouldn’t I just be another person hounding her for her attention? You don’t think that would annoy her?”

“You’re the opposite of Lin, I swear.” Marcel laughed. “She does whatever she wants regardless of what anyone else thinks, and here you are, worrying so much about what Serena will think that you don’t want to make a move.” Elias gave him a withering look. “Just ask her. If she says no or says she has something else to do, then you have your answer.”

He looked at Marcel for a while.

“You must’ve been really popular with girls before,” he remarked.

“Huh?”

“Just going up and asking her, that’s pretty bold.” Elias chuckled. He tried to remember how he’d been with girls back in his world, only for that familiar fog to descend over his mind again. The memories of his world had grown faint, but he was fairly certain he hadn’t been so bold as to ask out a girl so directly. Probably.

Hold on. The memories of his world becoming fainter should’ve bothered him, yet that fog had eased those fears away as well. And did that even really matter? His world had been destroyed. It wasn’t like the memories of home would do him any good. What mattered was that he was on this island now, and he could make the most of this opportunity.

Merloine had asked him to befriend her, but asking her on a date clearly went over a line, didn’t it? Then again, if he left the choice up to her, then that would be fine. So he went to her, returning to the shack. She’d woken up, but remained seated on the bed. Her eyes were tired, and the tiredness in her eyes nearly stymied his words.

But they emerged, soft and gentle.

“Hey Serena. You’ve been working really hard, and…maybe we could have a picnic? As a change of pace? But it doesn’t have to be date. Unless you want it to be, I mean. But I don’t want to…”

She looked at him. The fatigue in her eyes abated slightly as she smiled.

“I’d like that.” She stood up, and followed him. They headed out into the field, far from everyone else. They ate from parcels of wrapped food, and sat together amidst the grass and flowers. Then, Marcel played a gentle ballad in the background. It wasn’t an overpowering sound, but instead a soft tune that accentuated the mood along with the rustle of breeze against the grass. He played with such deftness that he must’ve played the same song before. Elias wondered for whom Marcel had played, but he didn’t think for long.

Serena rested her head against his shoulder.

“Thank you Elias,” she said. “I needed this.”

“You’re welcome.” One last moment of hesitation before he drew his arm along her back and over her shoulder.