The Tired and Morally Gray

So much has happened lately.

I'm sick of all of it.

I'm tired of thinking all the time.

Every day my body becomes slightly less human and I feel slightly more numb. Is there a limit to how many times I can heal my bones and tissues?

I'll start from the beginning.

After I healed my hand and slept for a while, Count Telantra gave us a magic tool called a cognition shroud. It's a necklace looking thing that stops people from recognizing who we were before we put it on. We are also pretending to be apprentices at Count Telantra’s castle.

We should be safe unless Raya fully unleashes Ryuzu’s Fang. Apparently Kael Drogo would know if that ever happened.

Raya immediately got to work. She's been working, studying, and talking to various people. Naturally, I'm being forced to put in just as much effort.

I’ve been studying and training almost constantly for over a year now.

Raya says that the two of us need to be strong enough to kill Kael Drogo.

I was all like “alright that’s doable”

But apparently he is literally the strongest person in all of Artenia.

Stronger than Charlotte, who defeated me last time with me unable to do anything.

The world is playing a cruel joke on me.

But worst of all…

I think Raya is in love with me.

Honestly I’ve known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me. I would say that it’s strange for a 13 year old to have feelings for a 9 year old but I’m not one to talk.

I’m technically 21 but the oldest I’ve been is 14. I should just wait until she’s 18, right? Wait wouldn’t that be grooming then? What’s grooming again? Am I a pedophile? Is she a pedophile? What’s the rules on this? Will I be going to jail if this gets out? Will society persecute me? Actually, society will never know so it should be fine right?

Who even designed this situation?

That guy must be the one fucked in the head.

All the morally gray stuff aside, I think I hate myself too much to get into a romantic relationship like that. I don’t deserve something like happiness.

She doesn’t even know the truth about me. The person she is falling in love with is a lie.

Probably.

Everything I’ve just said could just be sophistry. I don’t know my own feelings. I’m just so confused.

I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

But I’m scared that if I open up to anyone they would be as disgusted at myself as I am.

Not that I could ever put my thoughts into spoken words with any coherence.

All I see is a truck coming full speed towards me. It’s honking to tell me to get off the tracks but I’m just a stupid deer frozen in the headlights.

I feel myself getting more attracted to her every day. I’ve already latched onto her as the last thing between myself and suicide but…

I want to be more than just [Lust]

In that case you should just not have sex with her. Get your head out of the gutter. A romantic relationship is fine, just don't cross the line.

I don't trust myself though. My body… reacts to her.

Holy shit that was a disgusting sentence. Kill yourself.

Why does she even like me anyways?

That delusional bitch doesn’t even know what she’s getting into.

How stupid can you be to like someone like me?

Hold on…

Maybe I’m the delusional one… Does she even like me?

Let’s go over the evidence.

Exhibit A. Sunday January 3rd, at 7 pm:

Raya approaches me as I was relaxing in the courtyard. She hands me some cookies to which I respond with a “Thank you, what’s the occasion?” She blushes for a moment and then says that she happened to pass by a shop on her way back home so she bought some and she happened to have extra so she gave them to me. I nod and eat one, it was pretty good. I tell her that and she seems happy then says “don’t get any strange ideas or anything!” then awkwardly walks away.

…

Could mean anything really. Not enough evidence here to say anything for sure. She literally did say to not get any strange ideas from that.

Moving on…

Exhibit B. Friday December 22nd, 4 pm:

Raya asks me to help her get a present for Count Telantra for the new year. I don’t really like the guy but he is protecting us and it wouldn’t hurt for him to develop some fatherly instincts for Raya so I agree and we set out. The first thing I notice is that Raya is more dressed up than usual. Her hair is combed and sleek, contrary to the usual simple ponytail she normally wears. I compliment her hair to test her reaction and note that she blushes and says thank you. Throughout the night I notice that she seems to be even more energetic than usual and even after getting the gift, she still takes me to other stores.

…

Could mean anything really. I mean she was just excited–

Okay dumbass, I think that’s enough.

What?

How much more obvious can it be? She’s literally throwing herself at you. I’m begging you to accept what you’re looking at. I mean you literally started this entire conversation off with “Honestly I’ve known for a while that Raya has some feelings for me”. At this point you’re just procrastinating by running in circles.

But… No, you’re right. I’m not the oblivious protagonist of some shonen slop. The real question is what I should do.

Ask her out and there is a 100% chance she says yes.

Then why am I still scared? Why is this so hard for me? Why does being happy feel so wrong? Why can’t I move on from my past self?

…Dawg I have no idea. I’m literally you. Just do it. Figure that stuff out after you’re together.

Okay.

Can someone kindly kill me so that I don’t have to go through this?

Stop joking around.

Fine, here goes nothing…