Verse 46: "Unburdened"

When we set up camp, we were in a dense part of the forest, but there were plenty of wagon tracks and footprints on the path that made us realize we were definitely close to Kuzges. For our own safety, Niels made us walk a short distance away from the road before we camped.
          The others all spoke with each other about what they were planning on doing once they got to the Wizards Council while we ate dinner.
          Niels was planning on asking every wizard he could about whether they needed an apprentice. 
          Elisa was going to look around for some alchemical ingredients that were out of season where she was from. 
          Vivian said she’d make sure I got to where I was going safely. When it was my turn, no one really paid attention. They were busy chatting with each other about various things.
          “Hey, do you think that maybe we could… keep traveling together? After the Wizards Council, I mean.” Vivian asked after the conversation died down.
          Elisa and Niels looked at each other, then at me and Vivian.
          “W-well, I…” Niels sounded hesitant. “If I get an apprenticeship, then I’m going to have to follow the wizard that takes me on.”
          He glanced at Elisa and blushed slightly, but she didn’t catch it.
          “I have a shop to get back to in Ellcoast.” Elisa said very quickly. “I can’t imagine leaving it behind just to travel.”
          She stole a glance at Niels. He saw her do so, and she turned away.
          “Oh.” Vivian said sadly. “What about you, Shinko?”
          “Once I get my books, I’ll be heading back to Clearwood and running the church there full-time.” I lied casually. “So unless you want to help me with that, then I can't keep traveling with you Vivian.”
          Vivian looked at the ground. Elisa glared at me and leaned over to whisper in my ear.
          “Couldn’t you pray for something to help Vivian?” She said sharply.
          I nodded.
          “You're right.” I said calmly. "Vivian, would you want me to pray over the situation?"
          Niels rolled his eyes. Vivian looked unsure.
          “R-really?” She asked softly. “Would you?”
          “Of course; what are friends for? Like you said earlier, it’s good for believers to pray together.” I smiled at her. “Why don’t you pray, and I’ll follow along in silence? It’ll be nice to hear you speak to God for a change.”
          I looked at Elisa out of the corner of my eye. She looked upset, but didn’t say anything. Had she really thought that she would be able to pressure me into praying for something that might jeopardize my plans?
          Vivian grabbed my hands and I flinched. She made eye contact with me. I looked deep into her blue eyes as she wore a pensive and tense expression.
          “Okay Shinko. I’ll pray.”
          She bowed her head, and I did the same.
          “Dear God… please, if it’s in your will… let us keep traveling together. I–”
          Her voice hitched.
          “I really love traveling with these people, and I want to become better friends with them. God, please, let your will be done.” She breathed softly. “Amen.”
          I felt her let go of my hands after a few seconds. I opened my eyes and looked at her again. She was radiant.
          “Thank you, Shinko, for praying with me.” She said, her voice full of conviction.
          I felt something begin to squirm inside my chest as she looked at me, but I forced it to disappear and soon after that I felt nothing.
          Nothing at all.
          “You’re welcome, Vivian. Glad I could be there for you.”
          Niels and Elisa saw what had happened and smiled at Vivian, reflecting her own sincerity.
          “Vivian, you better not have made it so I don’t find anyone willing to take on an apprentice.” He said playfully.
          “Yeah. My business better still be standing when I make it back home.” Elisa said towards Vivian, though she glared at me.
          I didn’t respond to her gaze. Instead, I hastily finished my dinner, crawled into my tent without another word, and did my best to fall asleep.
~~~
          I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned on my bedroll, desperately trying to find a position comfortable enough for me to finally drift off, but no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work. I laid down and frowned while I thought about what would happen tomorrow.
          We would reach Kuzges. Niels and Elisa would go off to do what they wanted. Vivian would come with me. I would go to the wizards and ask them to send me back home. They would cast whatever spell they needed to, and I would appear back home, safe and sound.
          I prayed that everything would work itself out tomorrow. When I finished my prayer, I still couldn’t sleep any better.
          With no one to talk to, and nothing to do, I had expected guilt to start creeping up on me; regret from lying to them all about my priesthood; maybe some hesitation about leaving this world; perhaps some unease about how I’d been talking to Vivian, Niels, and Elisa during these last two days.
          To my surprise, I hadn't felt any of that. 
          Instead, I felt anxious and worried. I was nervous that they would find out; that something would go wrong, that maybe I’d end up trapped in this world forever. 
          I didn’t feel guilty at all, and I didn't mind.
          It felt like everything was clear. The only thing I was feeling was the anticipation of a plan only a few steps away from completion. Guilt was unnecessary anyway; after all, since God needed me, it wasn’t as if I should have felt bad about anything.
          Logically, if he wasn’t real, then there was no need to feel guilty about anything anyway. Even if he did exist, he obviously didn’t care about what I was doing as long as I was going unpunished. I had hoped that reaffirming these things to myself would finally make me able to sleep.
          Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

Edited on 09/19/25