Chapter 17 - LivingforLivingforLivingforLivingforLivingforLivingforLivingforLiving

Ame tapped me on the shoulder.

“Don’t tell the rest about this. Worrying won’t change the outcome, it’ll only speed it up. I’ll be fine. We save Dominic and get the medicine.”

We started walking back to the hotel.

And I couldn’t say a single thing.

No matter how much I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to survive more than Dominic, no matter how much I wanted to tell him that he was going to die if we didn’t let Dominic get executed, I couldn’t. If any of that escaped my mouth, it would make me feel more guilty than I could handle. It would cause Ame more stress and speed up his death. It would-

Whack!

Before I could go any further, Ame softly hit my head with a chop. It hurt. And yet, I was in less pain.

He smiled softly at me.

“Stop worrying. I’ll find a way. If I die, then I’ll never get to watch what happens after I’m gone. So, stop worrying. I won’t let it happen. Not for me and especially not for you. I’ll keep living so we can both keep living. Got it?”

He ruffled my hair as he kept walking.

“... Got it.”

He was right. Worrying wouldn’t fix anything. It would only make it worse for both of us. I wouldn’t need to think those horrible thoughts anymore and Ame would be hurt less. We could save Dominic and save Ame.

Nobody would be sad. Nobody would be dead. We could all go to the Dionysia festival from Dominic’s hometown. We could eat grilled Pixxispad and Ame could help me aim at those stupid targets. I forgot what the prizes were, but I wanted them. I didn’t have a great experience with guns though, so I might skip that one. But I wanted to do that. I wanted to live with everybody. That was almost the most important thing to me. Maybe it was the most important thing to me.

Ame wasn’t going to die. He said it himself. He wouldn’t lie about something like this. I wouldn’t lie to him either.

He grabbed my hand as we rushed back to the hotel. I would keep my promise and not tell Kaya and Sy, no matter how hard it was. If I had to lie to them, then I’d become a liar. For us.

“Were baaaaack!”

Ame busted through the door as Kaya and Sy were fighting and laughing. I was glad they could be happy despite what they were going through. Humans build resilience over the course of their lives, so Kaya and Sy must have gone through a lot to be this strong at such a young age. I wasn’t able to even compare to their strength.

I braced myself for what I was about to do and spoke.

“Ame is fine. My magic was just working a little weirdly. He just scratched his throat. It’ll be better within a week.”

They both exhaled.

“Good! He better be! Come outside, we finished the plan! Me and Sy tried to do calculations and ended up confused.”

Ame nodded and motioned for me to stay here. Normally I would feel bad, but I knew he was doing it so he could have time to talk to them alone.

So, I sat down. All I needed to do was get stronger. That would be enough to save everybody. I didn’t need to know more about everybody. It would be useless if they all died. I still wanted to though.

I laid down on the couch and began to drift off, despite me just waking up. And, before I knew it, I was back in the room that I wasn’t expecting to see for a long while.

My internal world.

Instead of my head being on the couch, it was on the God of Time’s lap. She lowered her ear to my heart and whispered to me.

“I can feel it in your heart. It’s been hard, hasn’t it? You poor thing. Just stay here for a bit.”

No matter how demeaned I felt, she was correct. I couldn’t handle all of this no matter how hard I tried. That was another reason I wanted power. I wanted connection. I felt like my entire being was falling apart. Whatever identity I had managed to build up, whatever knowledge I built up, and whatever feelings I built up crumbled down in the form of tears.

It felt as if the God of Time was more of a partner than L’eau was. I didn’t even know her name. And yet, I didn’t care to ask. She was kind, but I couldn’t love her no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t know why.

I felt a pinch on my cheek.

“I can hear your thoughts, Nell. But it’s okay. It doesn’t matter to me. I just want to see you happy.”

There was a bit of an unhappy look on her face while saying that.

I saw the throne behind her. An idea shot into my head.

If I sat on the throne, wouldn’t I have everything I needed to save Ame and Dominic?

I shot up and walked towards the throne, but was immediately stopped by the God of Time.

“Why are you stopping me?! You told me before!”

The memory flashed through my mind. Since she could read my thoughts, I knew it would go through hers as well.

“If I sit on the throne, will I no longer be apathetic?”

“Yes.

“Will I have an identity?”

“Yes.”

“Will I have enough strength to protect everybody?”

“Yes.”

“Will I be able to continue living with Ame?”

“...Yes.”

She told me that I would have the strength I needed to protect everybody. I would have an identity as well. Those were the only two things I wanted out of life. I needed this. It was the only thing I needed.

“When I first met Ame, you said I couldn’t sit on the throne because I wasn’t human yet. I’m human now. You can check. I’m confident.”

She smiled softly and tried to pat my head like Ame did, but I pushed her hand out of the way.

“I know, Nell. You are as close to being a human as he made you to be. You’ve done well. I’ll reward you for that. But, you still aren’t done with your tasks. You have two more requirements.”

I calmed down and quietly listened.

“The first one is a victory in L’eau’s game. You’ll know it when you get there. The first trial is the preliminary round.”

A game? I had never met L’eau in person, besides the time inside Kaya’s internal world. She was terrifying, but I didn’t sense any malice from her. It was quite the opposite, actually. She seemed to care about me.

It was unsettling. But, if she cared for me, I had less stuff to worry about. I’m sure it would be fine. It was in the future anyways. I’d be able to handle anything with Eternal Flame by then. If the first one wasn’t that bad, my hope for earning my spot on the throne was growing higher and higher, but my anticipation and anxiety was increasing rapidly- so I had to ask.

“What about the second one?”

She smiled softly, as if to imitate the most comforting expression Ame had ever given me.

“You have to become an Original Sin, Nell. Only then can we observe it in its entirety.”

__________________________________________________________________________

Ame, who was dragged outside by Kaya and Sy, sat on the grassy area outside of the hotel. The sun was beginning to rise as they all sat in a circle.

“Ame. Have you found out more about Nell’s internal world abilities?” Kaya asked.

Ame shifted his posture and looked up.

“Yeah. I’m still not sure why you couldn’t have just asked him. He would’ve answered instantly, y’know..”

Kaya’s eyes sharpened as she clutched her fist.

“I would rather crawl barefoot from Ujurak to Laptaan on broken glass than rely on the knowledge he got from that… thing.”

“Alright, alright, I get it. I’ll tell you then. Whenever I put my hand on his heart or brain, there's a bit of a vibration. When he thought I was sick, I patted him on the head and I could feel it violently shaking, but when I calmed him down it stopped. His internal world was almost fortified. I’ve never heard of such a thing before. I had never even heard of an internal world before I met him. If we find out how to use it, it’ll be our biggest advantage.”

Sy stared blankly at him.

“And how is this supposed to help us? His internal world stopped shaking. It doesn’t make him stronger. It doesn’t make us stronger.”

“You’re wrong, Sy. Once, while we were riding on the back of Little Man, he asked me a question. He said ‘Ame. Which came first? The person or the internal world?’ At first, I misunderstood the question. I thought by person he meant body. But no, he meant ‘identity’. I had been thinking about it ever since. And I realized that my misunderstanding was the correct answer. It was the person. Because the body is a part of their identity. Nell has been gradually getting stronger since I met him. At first, blood burnt his skin, and now his skin and organs are tough enough to survive a weak gunshot. It’s because of his internal world. His internal world is shaped off of his identity, and his identity is shaped off of his internal world. His body got stronger as his identity did as well. It’s why you and Kaya aren’t very durable but are incredibly strong. You can’t take criticism but can attack well. And I… I’m durable. But I don’t want to think about this for myself any more than I have to.”

It was a lot of information for them all to take in. But, as they were processing it, Ame spoke again.

“It’s time to test this theory. Sorry for waking you up, Nell.”

__________________________________________________________________________

My meeting with the God of Time was cut short as I was shaken awake by Kaya.

“Nell! Am I strong?”

Why did she wake me up? To ask this? She didn’t even need my input.

“...Yes. You’ve built up your body quite a bit. Your physical strength is really good.”

She shook her head.

“No, not that. My internal world! How strong is it compared to my body?”

How did she know about internal world strength? And why did it even matter? It wouldn’t hurt to tell her though.

I held my hand up against her forehead and closed my eyes. I saw her internal world, the same ominous fiery landscape with the burning figures touching the glass. Kaya wasn’t doing anything. In her internal world, she was purely sitting there, observing the judgement of both the light and dark figures. She looked as if she was powerless to do anything about it.

But, the internal world itself was rather powerful. How strong her magic was connected to her internal world and body. But, her magic seemed less connected to her internal world than mine was.

Oh.

I opened my eyes and turned to Ame, who most likely had come to the same realization I had just came to.

I thought human bodies just gradually got stronger. But, to the extent mine was growing, it was not normal. I finally realized it after seeing Kaya’s magic connection to her internal world. It barely scaled. My magic and body strength scaled entirely through my identity, which was not shaped by my internal world; contrary to what happened with Kaya’s. So my internal world, despite it being immeasurable in power, was not scaling with my magic. It was my identity instead. Human’s magic grows with their body and about 10% of their internal world's strength. But, if they connected their identity to their internal world, their magic and body would scale off of 100% of their internal world’s strength. Their internal world would increase with their identity. They could grow off of each other.

This was the best way to get stronger. No matter our strategy, Verwa would be too strong.

Is that why Kaya asked me? Did Ame figure out that the internal world would be our win condition?

The slight vibration in my mind got softer as my internal world fortified itself due to my stability.

This would be my best chance to test it.

“Punch me, Sy. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.”

Sy seemed rather confused, but punched me in the stomach. It hurt a lot. But, it didn’t cause much damage. Sy pulled his fist back with a red spot on it.

Despite us both being in pain, we both beamed.

“Kaya! Kaya!”

Kaya beamed back at me.

“Yeah?”

This was the best way for us to win. We had a higher chance of winning like this than in any other way. I doubt it could cure Ame’s Nokhstol, but it could slow its effects.

“Close your eyes. Envision yourself.”

She did as I said as I went forward to tap her forehead again.

We were back in her internal world, as she saw herself sitting behind the glass.

She walked up to her other self.

“Kaya.”

Her other self turned to her. She seemed shaken up.

“Join me. I know what you’ve gone through. I’m you, after all. I’ll join you in this dark room. So, come with me. You don’t have to attempt judgement. You don’t have to be weak. All we need to do is save Dominic.”

She hesitated for a moment, before grabbing her other self’s hand and hugging her. After she pulled back, there was now a string made of an essence that I couldn’t recognize connecting them. Her identity and her internal world were now connected. Her identity's strength was her internal world’s strength, and they would support each other to the best of their ability.

She turned to me and grinned as her internal world faded away.

We were back in the hotel.

She flexed her arm and shot a bit of fire at Ame, who playfully deflected it, setting fire to the table. His eyes widened as he immediately put it out. Sy walked up to me.

“My turn. Connect my thingy to the thingy.”

I put two of my fingers on his forehead. Kaya was staring intently at him which caused him to blush. We both closed our eyes, and my reality faded into his.

There he stood, both next to me and in the center of his internal world, staring at the mirror. The mirror had a tiny crack in it, but it was mostly undamaged. The 7 locks were still there, though. Inside of the mirror was Kaya. He walked over to himself in the mirror, slightly embarrassed that I was seeing this.

“Sy.”

The him on the floor turned and looked at him, with a grin on his face. A grin reminiscent of Kaya’s.

When the Sy I knew saw this, he appeared to be slightly disgusted. He tried to get out words to convince himself, but was struggling. As he was struggling, the other one spoke up first.

“Sy. It’s me, Kaya. Why are you struggling to speak?”

Sy looked at him.

“You aren’t Kaya. You aren’t Kaya. You aren-”

“Then what am I? I’m not you, and I’m not me. I am this mirror. You are this mirror. Please don’t break these locks. I can’t handle it.”

I couldn’t understand what it was talking about, but Sy did.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to think about that. I’ve done too much of that since I left. I don’t care right now. We need to save Dominic. You’re joining me whether you like it or not.”

“What do you mean? I’m already with you, Sy. We are both a part of Eternal Flame. Me, you, Dominic, Nell, and Ame.”

It grinned at him.

Sy’s hand shot forward as it grabbed his neck.

The him from inside his internal world looked pathetic. Tears were streaming from its eyes as Sy grabbed its neck. I knew we both felt bad. This Sy reminded me of when I was first born. I couldn’t help but have empathy. It reminded me of my humanity. I couldn’t let it continue. I had to stop him. There were better ways of connecting both of his selves.

“Sy. Let it go.”

Sy didn’t listen. But, when I looked closer, it started to laugh.

“Sy. Sy. Sy. Let my neck go. D-Don’t attach that string to me. I need to keep my name. I need to keep it!”

“Shut up.”

Sy grabbed into his heart and pulled out a string. It was the same string that connected Kaya to herself in her internal world. Sy gripped it in his hand, and shoved it into the heart of his other self.

“Done. I can’t stand talking to this guy.”

Reality faded back to normal as Sy stood there, internal world and identity strung together. He now had the power of both. He grinned, the same way his internal world counterpart did before speaking and sitting on the couch.

“Ame. You’re up next.”

Ame looked rather nervous.

“I-It’s okay. You don’t need to enter. I’m already strong enough.”

His internal world was the strongest out of everybody's. When I entered it last time, It had a barrier stronger than any other I had ever seen. When I got too close, I got struck by lightning. He only could use water magic, and yet lightning and wind were all defending his internal world self.

But he had no reason to be afraid, right? I had always known he was hiding something, but I wouldn’t look for it unless it hurt him. So, despite his pleas, I went up to him and touched his forehead.

He guiltily looked to the side as the universe shifted around us to a familiar landscape. The Ame inside the barrier of water was still there, there was still the rain, and there was still the fierce storm. But, there was something off. On the cracked concrete that we stood on, laid a circular seal surrounding him. There were three circles, two of which were empty. But one was filled. The exact area I stood on when I had been struck by lightning was filled with the symbol of lightning magic.

Ame stared at the man inside the barrier of wind, unfazed by the storm around him, before turning to me.

“Am I in there…?”

I nodded. An internal world was shaped by the person’s identity, but it doesn’t hold all of it. The deepest parts, thrown out by the person, get put into their internal world. That’s another reason why they are able to connect their identity, and the reason I label it as the “dark room” sometimes. And now, Ame was facing the part of his identity that he threw out, with a barrier that I couldn’t hope to penetrate.

He walked through the storm, unfazed. But the closer he got, the slower he walked, until he stopped. He put his hand on the barrier. It didn’t open.

Why didn’t it open? Ame, conscious or not, threw that part of himself out into the internal world. That’s mostly what allows the connection, so why was he blocking himself out? The storm barely affected him, but the barrier was untouchable. I watched as the Ame inside the barrier looked at the one from outside, before the true Ame turned to me.

“I can’t see inside. It’s blocking my view. It’s cruel. I can feel it watching me.”

He couldn’t see inside? Why? I could see inside, but he couldn’t?! Internal worlds, despite my knowledge about them, were still just as confusing to understand to me as to everybody else. No matter how much I wanted to learn about him and his internal world, our priorities were clear.

I yelled out to him from across the ruined area.

“Ame! It doesn’t matter! You should still be able to speak to him!”

He nodded and spoke.

“I don’t need to look at you. I don’t even want to look at you. But join me. Just for this. You’re gonna get out of me right after that, okay?! Get out of the box.”

It ignored him and dug its face into its hands. The longer that passed, the more the Ame from inside his internal world looked childish. He looked about 6 years younger than before.

“Fine! I’ll look at you! I will! I’ll even change my water box ability to make it visible from both sides! Just please! Please join me!”

It didn’t say a single word. It dug its face even deeper into its palms. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t. It hurt to watch. I couldn’t tell if it wanted to be watched or not. I never wanted to be watched, but the little Ame looked as if it did want to.

So, I did what I hated most. Verwa called Ame hypocritical. But in truth, it was me that was. I walked forward. I touched the barrier. His head rose from his hands as he turned to me, tears staining his eyes.

The barrier shattered.

“Ame. I’ll watch you. I’ll watch you whenever you’d like. The only way for me to do that is for you to become one. So, join him.”

And I attempted to save him.