Tragedy

Have you ever felt like you're hated by life itself. 

Not in the way that everyone around you dislikes you, or that you're constantly bullied. I'm talking about a more intrinsic type of hatred, not like being shunned by people, by society, but by the very flow of time. 

As if your days are just a transition period between disgraces, the only way to be happy to stay in the liminal space. So that's exactly what you do, close off everything but yourself, stay inside four suffocating walls clinging at the solitude as your only shield, bearing the pain it bring because it's better than ran towards the next painful twist life has in store for you.

I was convinced that to be the case, during my previous life. People always told me that the only reason for my suffering was that I didn't try to fight it, everyone looked at me and saw someone who had given up before even trying. 

But that was bullshit.

I suffered because I tried, time and time again. How stupid of me. See, the only thing that really excited me during childhood were stories, of every kind. From role playing videogames, to novels, from musicals to anime and manga. 

Diving into a world full of hopeful characters, fighting against fate, against the role they were given. It didn't matter if it was a JRPG protagonist fighting against a false god or an eighteenth century francemen clawing his way out of society manufactured poverty, what intrigued me was the underline message a lot of stories shared. 

To fight against one's destiny, no matter what form that destiny took. 

Sometimes there was Divine intervention helping out a character and they would yell "I survived as fate intended" and every time that happened it was a turnoff. I couldn't see fate as something positive, no matter which light it was depicted under. 

And that's why I considered myself a victim of it. 

Someone born with a stigma. 

A lonely soul.

Destined to follow a boring road, living among people while always feeling isolated, pushed away the moment the real me tried to turn up.  But it wasn't just a matter of relationships, life itself hated me unless I gave myself up to the road chosen for me. 

Yet I never did.

So tragedies came again and again.

Leaving me crippled. 

Unable to feel happiness, too scared of the consequences.  

When the Angel told me I escaped my destiny, a part of my soul was relieved. It felt like a win. Even with the deck stacked against me, there was something I could do to avoid following my most hated path. 

Because one thing those stories I loved never told was that sometimes, the fate you're given will suck. You'll hate it with all of yourself. So if every human is meant to eventually follow it, some are doomed from the beginning. 

I refused to believe in such a concept. 

And that refusal lead me here, in another world, living inside another body, dancing with a guy that would have never looked me in the eye before, enjoying my time like I never expected to.

But the fact is. The stigma followed me. Life still hated me.

Slowly I gained confidence in dancing, Lionheart showing off more the better I became at keeping up with him. For a while I felt like our bodies were connected, my thoughts stopping to let my brain simply feel the simple pleasure of having fun with someone. Maybe it could be said that feeling this strongly simply while dancing in what was essentially a county fair was very silly of me. But if there's something I learned from my previous life was to take everything your given and run with it. Play the game with the cards your dealt. New chances can only be created by using your starting deck. Never could I have anticipated one of my cards would be "reincarnate in another world" but you know what, I took that in spades too!

Without realizing it, we found ourself at the center of the dancing plaza. Lionheart winks at me and tells me "We can show off a bit, don't you think?" before grabbing me by the waist and raising me to the skies. He probably wanted me to make some kind of pose, but I didn't anticipate the move so all I could do is try to lower my skirt and get embarassed. "Come on, don't be afraid" 

"Asshole."

"Ahahahahah, did I startle you?"

"You obviously did idi..."

A sound similiar to cracking glass echoed in the entire city, immediately all musician stopped, silence fell. A drop of cold sweat ran down my face, it felt especially freezing given I already was sweaty after the dance.  If felt like a sharpened knife cut my skin barely enough to make me feel pain.

It couldn't be a coincidence that happened while Lioheart lifted me. Because that was the perfect moment for me to see the mansion, I wasn't paying attention to it though, not until the cracking sound. Afterwards, nothing else mattered. I could only watch towards the magic sphere  as it collapsed , making part of the garden fall on the city below. 

"It can't be."

Tsuki was there. The other rich people, I couldn't care less. But Tsuki, it couldn't be, whatever happened, she had to be alive. After excruciatingly long seconds, I managed to lower my gaze, everyone was looking towards the mansion, terror could be read on their faces. 

All but one.

Lionheart calmly put me on the ground.

"L-Lionheart...that's...I..."

"Don't worry about a thing."

"Bullshit! Tsuki was there! I have to go..."

Go and do what? There was nothing I could do for her, under any circumstances. Without any power, what could a simple girl like me do to make herself useful? I wasn't the protagonist of whatever was happening, just a potential victim. 

It followed me.

My stigma.

The moment I got comfortable, it hit me again.

A tragedy.

Lionheart patted me on the head. I hated that, but didn't react, there was too much in my head to form a coherent phrase. 

"She's the head maid right? I'll save her. As I said, trust me, whatever's happening, leave it to me."

"Take me with you!"

"No."

"C-come on!"

"The sphere wasn't fragile and it can't be broken by natural causes. Someone did that...and whoever is, it's gonna be dangerous fighting him."

"Huh?"

"There's few people capable of something like that... most likely it's a Goddess Chosen...but it could even be...."

"A Fateless?"

"Exactly."

The valiant hero left me behind and started running towards danger. Usually it's the reincarnated that do things like that in this kind of stories. Instead, I'm here, useless as ever. It wasn't even a matter of being scared of the Fateless, after all, they didn't really scare me. I just learned what they are, I wasn't thought to fear them since my childhood...and in a sense, they could have even be seen as a kind of ally to me.

It was a matter of impotence. 

Even after death, all I can do is stay inside a road paved for me. A destiny was forming for my new self, and it sucked. Soon I was left alone in the plaza, on my knees, crying. Everyone ran away, even if the mansion was far away, citizens wanted to get as far as possible. It didn't feel the distance was enough to be safe after all.

But I didn't move, I just... stayed still unable to take any kind of action. 

It was too much.

It happened way too many times.

Every time I gazed at happiness for too long, something came and took it away from me.  And my strenght to fight back was long gone. 

"Kae! What are you doing?"

"Huh!?"

"Don't huh, me! Let's go check the mansion!"

Behind me was Tama, trying to lift me up from the shoulder. 

"Tama! At least you weren't there..."

"With all that ruckus? You bet I wasn't around. But now we must return!"

"Huh? Why?"

"That's our home. We need to do something."

"Did you forget? I have no powers to speak of...what can I do?"

"Whatever! There will be people in need! Just us being there will be useful."

"That's..."

"Let's go."

She takes my hand starts to run, instinctively, I follow her. We're just going to get in Lionheart way. We should just stay here. Accept our powerlessness. 

"Come on Kaede! I'm pratically dragging you!"

Still, how is she still fighting it? She died once already, it's impossible that she's naive on how reality works, or maybe she died exactly for that reason. After all, it's not normal for a girl to help a stanger just because of an hunch. 

I start running too.

Suddendly, a little strenght comes back for me. Naivety is needed. It's purity, it reminds us of how not everyone is a cinic bastard like me.  Maybe I can't fight back against destiny, but for as long as I can...I need to move, even a little bit. 

I reincarnated, but that doesn't change what I am.

And I'll keep struggling.