It's so sad.

Rain beats irreverently against the glass window only to be met by the gaze of a gaunt sickly looking young man. Raven of hair does he sit solemnly perched at the window side observing the world he sees through his personal viewing mirror.  His pale face as if made of porcelain stuck in stillness with piercing grey eyes betraying nothing of the soul within. 

 Before long, the young man speaks.

"If there's one thing you can count on in Rondon, it's the rain." I dryly chuckled to myself gazing out at the landscape but that was a lie, I didn't find it humorous at all. I had gotten used to pretending that even in my private moments I would often catch myself doing it for no benefit.

In that moment the old fashioned alarm clock from the bedside table prattled as loudly as it's annoying parts could. Wishing enough annoyance could be drummed up to destroy it, I went to prepare to set off for school and in doing so abandoning the nuisance. Today would be foreseen just like the others, after all everyday was the same. it was ALWAYS the same.

Going through the motions of readying my uniform, I recited to myself as if manifesting a spell "Go to school, nothing will happen. Be a good student, nothing will happen. Get bullied, nothing changes. Come home, do it again". Wait it almost slipped my mind. Something is slightly different today, it was results day! The day through blood, sweat and tears I had been painstakingly working towards. That very same day my life (for whatever it was worth) would be decided. 

Capturing a good look at my imitation in the mirror, it seemed my ensemble was complete:

Formal shirt, Check;  School Trousers, Check;  Black Tie, Check;

All that was left was to adorn the black blazer embroidered with the schools insignia with a coat of arms resembling an snake eating it's own tail. There wasn't much time, I entered the blazer an arm at a time, making sure the façade of a person was sufficiently suitable.

As if anyone would ever notice you, you're as insignificant as the insignia you bear! besides what sort of phony school would have some form of snake as it's coat of arms anyway?

There is no doubt that the rain wouldn't cease even if I wished it, which meant an umbrella had been warranted and yet, staring at the umbrella resting beside the bed I felt no extreme inclination towards rousing her slumber. The rain doesn't bother me as much as I wished it to.

You don't deserve it

There it is again, that all-consuming gnawing that resides where I should be. As if partly to spur myself to action and partly to escape the feeling I hurried down the stairs into the living room, snatching the ring of keys from the mantlepiece and finally opening my entrance into the world that awaited me outside. 

Only to be met by the roar of rain and the pummel of it's plummet, anything would be better than that specter of self that possessed me in that room. 

Surely, the rain will wash it all away? right?

Amidst the downpour of the rain was stabled Ol' reliable waiting patiently to be unbound and mounted, As far as bicycles go Ol' reliable was modest but we've been through much together and I knew no better companion. In an odd juxtaposition from earlier, the journey was slow and steady with very little regard to the pelting of rain nor the outside world which appeared only as a collage of sights and sides. It was Ol' reliable and I on our lonesome trail to our destination which loomed over us from the horizon.

The Crowley institute of the Dark arts. That's what they call the goliath of a Victorian structure  building that all the surrounding structures had been dwarfed by and I, it's humble David standing it's feet. Though Occult nut only by hobby, one would otherwise find themselves hard pressed to believe the rumors circulating the school, let alone the rumors spread recently. gateways into other worlds? sounds like a pain, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. The gothic clocktower facing the courtyard had always looked Ominous, silently drinking in all that transpires beneath its gaze.

As much as I like being drenched in rain

I hate it

The results awaited. Just as soon as I entrusted Ol' reliable to a nearby bike rack had I entered the slightly ajar double doors that comprised the main schoolhouse. The trip would thankfully prove short, no classes were scheduled today so one would only have need to collect their results in parchment and be on their way.

A presence as insignificant as mine meant I could escape notice even whilst drenched. Dancing through the sea of students and faculty, corridors, stairs did I finally reach my quarry. A wax sealed envelope sat.

How could something so small determine the outcome of so much?

With quarry in hand I find a refuge in an empty classroom, it was time I stole away my prize with none the wi-

I started at the sheer abruptness of something soft assailing my head, with enough force that caused harm that otherwise wouldn't. In doing so this soft thing also draped itself over my head, covering my face. A voice followed from the direction from which I had been stuck.

"Honestly David! What am I to do with you! You're soaked to the bone! Did you forget your umbrella again?"

The sound of the voice pairing the fact that there is only one person I can never escape notice, I knew it be Grace Goodwin. Most days, I would only get a wave or a couple sentences but each time would always be the highlight of my day. She excelled at anything she took a hand in, her demeanor and mannerisms were highly praised much befitting a noblewoman and perplexingly her etiquette refined. 

"sorry, I seem to have misplaced it"

Feeling around the soft thing allowed me to surmise I was covered in a towel, taking the opportunity to slowly dry myself off starting with my hear whilst in the process unveiling my gaze.

 If I ever thought I'd seen the sun, I'd have been wrong, for it radiated an aura around Grace from a window behind her as she unknowingly bathed in it. It was as if she herself was favored by the day with the rain ceasing by her command, with sunkissed golden locks, her face warm but fair, a cute button nose, eyes as blue as the sky itself, and now, looking at me. I was in the presence of an angel. 

"Aren't you going to thank me?" she said whilst folding her arms

is she mad at me?

"why?" 

" For the Towel! Honestly! Sometimes you're a real silly billy!"

Grace snatched the towel from my admittedly weak grip, beginning to thoroughly drying my hair for me, each time inadvertently getting closer and closer and closer. She had always been shorter than me which I'd imagine made such a task quite bothersome even despite lowering my self ever so slightly to oblige her yet she showed no signs of relenting. Each time she would brush my forlorn heart would beat in unison.

*Thump* 

*Thump* 

*Thump*

I had just realized how close she was, really close, way too close!

She was so close we were almost literally face to face, my face felt flushed, my heartbeat quickened as if attempting to escape the cage it was imprisoned in. 

*Thump* *Thump* *Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

is this what a heart attack is? am I dying?

Before I knew it, I was admiring her features. She had freckles, I had never noticed that before. She smelled nice, like of roses and her breath softly touching someone so unworthy. I wanted to fall into her eyes or at least see them again, I tried sneaking another glance whilst she was pre-occupied. Our gaze met.

my heartbeat beat the drum of my soul so loudly, I wonder if she could hear it. As she simply looked back at me, she was close, so close, her rose lips so inviting, so sumptuous. I, the thief that would steal a taste of her, then her heart. I wanted to see how close we could get in this moment. 

if I die in this moment, I want her to be the person to kill me...

NO! WHAT AM I THINKING? SHE'S AN ANGEL AND I'M... I'm...

That gnawing feeling returned abruptly, hitting as hard as whiplash. Instinctively I backed away pilfering the towel out of her hands, looking away so as to hide the shame of that thought, well that and how red my face must be. I couldn't see her, does she hate me? did I mess up? I handed the towel back in the direction I thought she would be in. 

"thanks for the towel" 

I've got to get away, I've got to smother this feeling while it's in it's infancy. I'm just a nobody, she's an Angel! I don't deserve it! I'm unworthy! 

"Oh? You're most welcome!" every word another note that played the drums of my heart. She gently reached to recover her stolen soft thing, whilst ever so slightly touching what I would realize was my clumsy hands, on the account of the sensation shooting through me like a bullet.

Direct contact. Kill me. Someone Kill me, right in this moment. I want to live in this moment forever.

"Say have you got your results yet? Do you want to open them together?" those words sobering me up from my heart attack ridden stupor to a more immediate reality

I FORGOT!!!!!

I starting at that thought retracting my outstretched arm and in doing so looking back at grace. I noticed, she seemed unaffected or at least unaware of what transpired in my mind. She would no doubt expecting an answer.

"huh? results? no, haven't got them yet" I said while hiding the envelope behind my back with my other hand. She seemed to have bought it or at the very least her mask never betrayed the knowledge of it.

The great wooden door that contained us in this room suddenly was met with knocking

"Gracie, are you here? we were planning to open our results together! wanna come with?" came out from behind the door

"Sure! sounds fun! we'll catch up later David! " 

Grace turned to open the wooden door to find 2 of her closest friends, the fiery redhead had always been loud mouthed and bossy and the brunette demure. They made an odd trio but rarely would one see apart. Though thankfully I never had the displeasure of knowing them.

Saved by the bell

Sanctuary is what was required now, away from prying eyes, away from the hell that is other people. This envelope would tell me what I needed to know, my fate was decided by the ink that this parchment records. Fortunately, there was such a place. A place one with scrupulous personage could worm their way into, given the desire.

The Astral Clocktower

It was a closely guarded secret among the faculty that access to the clock tower was possible, if one was brave enough. I'd been familiar with the clocktower ever since I'd learnt of the access, a few greased palms from the shadier students was all it took. 

I perched besides a open space that could double as window in the belfry of the tower which was located near the apex of the clocktower.  From this vantage point I could see what the clocktower would observe each day. There was no better sanctuary to learn my fate not that the clocktower could voice it's objection.

It was time. I open the parchment and devouring the knowledge that it held, ravenously at first then petering out just as rapidly as it started.

I can't believe it

Invoking                            FAIL
Summoning                      FAIL
Transmogrification          FAIL
Lore                                    PASS
Magical Beast Taming     PASS

Overall magic aptitude: 0%
Result: Pariah 

This can't be right! I tried so hard! I spent countless night's poring of old tomes, reading and repeating passages! as if the words on the pages were ants trying to slip through my fingers! I repeated the incantations over and over, seared them into my mind so I wouldn't forget or miss anything.

The most damning of all, 0% magical aptitude. Even the smallest magical beasts have 5% at worst but 0%? 0%? that would make me a null! I'm effectively an invalid who will never be able to cast anything, even magic abandons me! In a magic based society to be a null would mean being a nobody at best! A threat to society that would be hunted down like a dog at worst!

I've been thrown away, It's over

I'm not needed 
I'm not needed
I'm not needed 
I'm not needed 
I'm not needed 

There it is that gnawing feeling returning to finish it's earlier feast threating to devour whatever was left of me, this time there was no escape. Tearing myself from the curse of the parchment I looked down at the students who decided to open their results in the courtyard, cheering, celebrating their success. 

Not being able to bear the sight of it, I turned my attention to something familiar. I spied Ol' reliable waiting patiently for my return, hoping for good news no doubt.

I'm sorry, old friend. I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry. It's all so sad.

He was so far away, and I was so high up. Very high up. A dark thought crossed my mind looking down again at the courtyard where the students were lingering.

It would be so easy.

Following the thought I stood up and released the wretched parchment from my grasp only for it to fall ever so gently to the ground.

One step, that's all it would take. One step and I wouldn't have troubles or worries anymore.
Rip the joy right out of their faces, them who are so ignorant to my woe.

I glanced back at Ol' reliable sitting loyally for his feeble masters return.

There's no way, I couldn't do that to him.
ha! not just a failure but I'm a coward to boot!

"David? are you here?" came a feminine voice slowly advancing on my position. 

It couldn't be her, not here, not now

Silence was my response, hoping that it would be enough to obfuscate my presence.

*Tap* 

*Tap* 

*Tap*

Light footsteps sounded on the polished wooden staircase, echoing throughout the belfry as if in chorus, in anticipation for her arrival.

Perhaps it's not her, Perhaps she won't find me, Perhaps she won't ask

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps

 *Tap* 

*Tap* 

*Tap*

The sound was almost at my hidden sanctuary, frantically looking around for an exit of the situation I would soon find myself in, once again I gazed out into the courtyard where those dark thoughts returned to greet me.

An exit of a sort perhaps, but not infront of-

"There you are David! You're a hard guy to find!" said the very same feminine voice that I could not mistake even to my dying day.

"Grace? why are you here?" 

"Didn't we promise to open our results together? I made up an excuse to get away and came to find you! well? are you surprised?"

Pleasantly and devastatingly so

"Ah well, I guess" 

The words won't come out

"Ladies first! so being the present lady, I'll go first!" Grace didn't skip a beat and began gingerly opening the envelope as her already wide smile grew even wider.

"I Passed! Listen to this! I got a-" her voice trailed off as if the world suddenly became muted and faded in color as if to reflect the depths my heart sank to.

Of course she did, it's her after all.

With that thought came the gnawing feeling again in full force ravenously eating away and not just me now but also my ruined hopes and dreams, each subject, each pass. Her warm voice straining to reach my ears as I felt the distance between us grow larger and larger, despite being still within my reach.

It's so sad, she's right there and yet still so far away.

She must have noticed my idleness and proudly presented her results in parchment form before my eyes.

"...believe me? see them for yourself!" was what I barely managed to catch after forcing myself to leave my mind and return to the room. Her results were plain as day though they didn't need to be verified, I knew her to never have tasted failure, in anything.

"that's great grace" I muttered hoping the gnawingness had a voice to talk instead as at this point I was more the empty feeling than a person right now.

"well? are you just going to leave me in suspense? where's your results my gloomy gus!"

Ah, right. I opened my results already, my results my results my results my results my results

my results my results my results my results my results are

What the gnawing feeling had taken from me had transmuted into something more sinister, a special blend of alchemic brew made up of every feeling I had wished to keep bottled up and never uncorked. 

"What's wrong? it can't be that bad right? I know how hard you studied and worked! Surely if it's you, I'm sure you passed too!"

Her words seemed innocent enough, supportive even but the brew was uncorked. the swirling mixture slowly proliferating through me did not abate and instead only grew. It's spread slowly unleashed the ugly side of myself I never wished seen.

Is she mocking me???

"Are you mocking me?"

"No of course no-"  

"It's so easy for you isn't it? to never have to try, to never have to taste the bitterness of failure. To have it all, looks, kindness, smarts, never to want for anything in life or desire things that you must remind yourself you can not ever have!"

This isn't right, this isn't me. I wasn't supposed to say this.

It was like looking at a stranger, present but at the same time possessed by a most ugly feeling that outpoured as if it were rat's escaping a sinking ship. the ugly me did not relent all the while I couldn't even picture grace's face at this moment.

"I didn't mean to-" she managed to eek out 

"Of course you didn't! everything always escapes your notice! When you fill your bowl of life, you fill it to the brim and sup until you are satisfied! Ignorant of the many who must be content with the table scraps we get. We aren't free to do as we want or please, our hopes must be small and our dreams within reach! We aren't even free to love who we want!"

Please someone stop me, I'm ruining this. of all the things I had ruined for myself, this was the one I'd never wanted to ruin.

If grace showed displeasure on her face, I couldn't bear to see it nor did I want to see it, so indignant was I that I still desired my shame hidden, at the very least from the knowledge of her reaction. 

"The skies you will soar, I will never be able to reach"

I wanted nothing more than to soar the same skies as you

Though it was all laid bare, if nothing else I still had the willpower to withhold the final forbidden desire I had jealously guarded from my now ugly possessed lips preventing that bit more harm. It didn't matter though, not in any meaningful measure.

Grace simply stood there, if I had seen her face or her reaction or even her reply, the sheer shame simply blotted it out from my memory. I didn't deserve to know it. I ruined it.

It's over isn't it?

The belfry as if embodying the fury of an angry deity erupted in ringing in unison, much louder than either of us had anticipated. The structure of the clocktower began rumbling as if the deity was climbing up to deliver his justice upon me for my crimes, all the while the ringing deafened me to the world. Looking down at the courtyard the numbers on the clocktowers face had fallen and began piling up at the base of the courtyard alongside debris pelting the grounds around the courtyard, the ringing never ceasing.

The clocktower is no doubt going to fall! where's grace? is she alright?

Turning as fast as I could to find grace, I just as quickly found myself swallowed up by the world.

You clumsy oaf, you indignant fool! What happened? did you lose your footing in your haste trying to fix things? You couldn't even make sure she was alright before you fell to your demise like the cretin you are!

The wind escaped all around me as I watched dumb founded at the sky as the ground slowly made its way up to grant me my demise, Time seemed to slow down and as I drank in what I could piece together for my surroundings.

Looking downwards from the rapturous sky, Ol' reliable returned my gaze, no doubt he was besides himself. Given our mutual history it wouldn't be a far stretch to assume he had already began the process of mourning me. As he was my most capable steed he knew many of my destinations, surely he could surmise my next one.

I'm sorry old friend, I wished to spare you this heartache, but it wasn't revealed in the cards today. 

"...hand"

you can talk ol' reliable!?!?!  no, it's coming from somewhere else

As the ground drew closer the sound of the ever present ringing began to grow distant, enough so that I could make out a voice originated from towards the apex of the clocktower. curiosity getting to better of me I Looked back up towards the tower noticing a figure with an outstretched hand gaining on me.

"...my hand" it shouted clearer than before yet just short of completion of the full message

At this point I was half way to my demise, the figure gained speed at an alarming rate. With the speed also came clarity of the features the figure had possessed. As always she would come to save me, be it from the loneliness that bites or from the fall that would free me of it. My guardian angel finally was within reach.

"Take my hand!!!" grace cried out 

The screams and panic of the people below became that much louder, almost in response to her instruction. That had only meant one thing, my demise would surely follow and yet, I couldn't feel a thing. It wasn't so much that I didn't fear what was about to transpire but more that I had been overcome with melancholy and guilt.

Before me, I couldn't help but focus my gaze on my angel as she held out her outstretched hand in the hopes I'd return mine in exchange. The wind continued to whistle around us.

It's always been our way hasn't it? no matter how close we were, there was always this unassailable distance between us.

is it wrong if I reach my hand out despite everything?

do I deserve to be saved?

At a juxtaposition I could no longer navigate, one could only do what one's heart desired the most in the moment.

slowly extending my hand, I tried to meet her grasp.

Only to be met by pitch blackness. 

Those eye's closed for the final time that day.

Only for them to open as another.