I Don’t Even Want to Be Here!

            Terry’s eyes finally adjusted to the faintly light room. He observed the robed figure happily dancing in front of him along with the eerie painted symbol he was standing in and circle of candles surrounding him. Terry also noticed the many goats and smashed gourds around the room as well. “What is this?” Terry asked not gesturing to anything in particular but stopping on a large gourd to his left. The robed man stopped dancing and looked at the gourd,

“Oh, that was my first attempt. Aren’t you glad it wasn’t you.” The robed man laughed and lightly smacked Terry’s shoulder like they were two friends on their way to their collage classes. Terry stared at the man for a moment and took a deep breath. “Why am I here?”

The man snaped his fingers and fumbled around his robes for a moment before pulling out a folded piece of paper. “Welcome Hero! To the kingdom of Kalabash!” The man gestured to the room around them “It looks a lot better than this I swear.” He said before continuing to read the paper.

“You have been summoned from your world to ours to help save us from the Deamon King!”

“No.”

“Huh?”

The man stared at Terry in confusion. “I don’t want to be here and I certainly don’t want to fight anyone. So, send me back.” The man threw the paper to the air and in a flash wrapped his arms around Terry’s legs. “I can’t send you back! You’re the hero destined to slay the Deamon Lord! You have to stay!”

Terry tried to pull the man off his legs as he kept begging and pleading with Terry. “You’ll be taught magic, you’ll be the most powerful man in the kingdom!”

“At the risk of my life!”

“You’ll be given gold and land, you’ll be the richest man in the kingdom!”

“Do you have indoor plumbing and Wi-Fi?”

The man stops for a moment and looks at him. “What’s that?”

“Then no.” Terry finally managed to successfully remove the man from his legs and shoved him to the ground. “What about girls?” The man asks, standing to his feet and pointing to Terry’s face. “You’re not bad looking but I bet a guy like you doesn’t get the girls, right?” This stops Terry, the man was right. Terry’s appearance always leaned more into boyish cute than handsome. With messy brown hair, light brown eyes, and a freckled complexion, combined with Terry’s 165cm height (with the right shoes), Terry was considered more as a friendly companion than a dating prospect.

“That’s not much of a problem for me, I’m gay.” The man is silent for a moment, “Am I…?” he asks, pointing to Terry then back at himself. “No,” Terry says bluntly, “You’re not my type.”

“Oh.” The man breaths out, almost sounding hurt but then he smiles widely and snaps his fingers. “What if I help you get a guy, it can even be a harem if you want.” Terry lets out a deep sigh, becoming very annoyed at how long this conversation has been going, but then he stops and thinks. He remembers all the times he’s been ghosted, all the failed flirting attempts, and all the times he thought he was hitting it off with a guy only for them to then show Terry pictures of their girlfriends.

Terry sighs again and rubs his hands on his face. ‘Am I really risking my life for a chance at a boyfriend?’ He thinks. “Okay fine, but only for a little bit. If you can’t find me a guy in like, a month, then I want to be sent home.” The man’s smile widens and he starts to dance with joy “You wont regret this. I’ll be the best wing man ever.”

“And how do you plan to do that?”

“Like this.” The man says as he clapped his hands disappearing in a cloud of pink smoke. Once the smoke had lifted, where the man once stood was now a small fluffy golden-haired squirrel. “Nobody can resist a guy with cute fluffy animals.” Terry stared at the once man now squirrel in disbelief. “Why would you do that? Change back!” The squirrel rubbed his hands together, “yeah, I kind of can’t. The spell lasts for about a month, so….”

Terry gaped at the squirrel with wide eyes as he slowly began to question every choice he had made till this point. ‘I’m going to die here.’ He thought before slapping his face and letting out a groan. “Fine, Fine, it’s fine. What do I do now?” Terry asked walking out of the painted floor symbol and to his now fuzzy wingman whom joyfully climbed up Terry’s leg to rest at his shoulder. “Now we meet with his Majesty and get you trained in magic.” Terry nodded as he walked to the door at the end of the room.

“You know, you never told me your name, mines Terry.”

“It is an honor to know your name Terry the Hero. I am the Royal Wizard Potato.” Terry paused, “Really?”

“Yes, a bit old fashioned but I was named after my grandfather.”

Terry said nothing as he kept walking. ‘My life and love life are in the hands of a magic man who is now a squirrel and is named Potato.’