How does someone get on the same level as you?

When I first caught my reflection, nothing could have prepared me. It wasn’t just scars. My face bore handprints, seared into me like I’d been slapped with fire. My eyebrows uneven, burnt away in patches that left my forehead bare and raw. I leaned closer, almost against my will, and for a moment I didn’t recognize who was staring back.

However, the worst aspect was my eyes. They didn’t even move like real eyes at first. Like gray glass that caught the light wrong. The longer I looked, the less human I seemed. A chill crawled over me, because if this was my face now, my reflection no longer belonged to me at all.

“They’re beautiful,” Ellie cheered. The words landed as mockery. My chest knotted. How could she see beauty in something that looked like a corpse?

Her voice wavered, as if she’d already lost me down a tunnel. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I lied, though my pulse thrashed against my throat. “Why are my eyes like this? Why didn’t you say anything?” I pressed my palm against the mirror, hoping the image would shatter under me. Grief swelled behind my ribs, sharp and suffocating. My face was gone, replaced by an ugly mask.

“Um, I’m not sure if we have any sunglasses,” she hesitated. “Come on. You’re already dressed; you can’t hide away forever.”

“Where are my clothes? Please tell me this isn’t what I have to wear...” A heavy sense of discontent settled in my core, each concern building the weight in my gut, making me feel like I was on the brink of resembling a monster. Tattered garments, unruly hair, and zombie-like eyes. But Ellie kept urging me forward until eventually, I couldn’t keep pretending to be okay and took refuge under the blankets.

The metal lady finally left me in peace, returning occasionally to coax me out. “There’s another reincarnation here now,” she said, attempting to persuade me, but I remained silent. “Zeek promised to find something for you.”

By the time she returned with the shades, I found myself fully immersed in my misery. Ellie held onto hope that once she presented the sunglasses to me, I would once again be magically fine. Honestly, it’s what I wished for, too.

She eagerly handed me back the mirror, and admitted to myself that Zeekiel’s choice was fitting. They were large, dark, and perfectly sized to conceal a good portion of the damage and a lot like…

“These are Dana’s,” I said and pulled them off. “She wouldn’t leave without these.”

Ellie’s eyes watered, and her voice softened. “She hasn’t picked up. Zeekiel went back to check…” she couldn’t say anymore before she dropped her face into her hands to keep herself composed. “Dana’s missing.”

The air was thick, both of us holding our breath around her name. I clutched the glasses between my fingers, because if Dana wasn’t coming back, then these were all that was left.

For once, Ellie wasn’t the unshakable one; her trembling shoulders, making it impossible to pretend things were fine. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t fair, that it should have been me. But I didn’t say anything to console her. At least for that day, I upset her enough to leave me alone.

But when she came back the next day, she pleaded, “Just come out. We can start training.”

Though I knew those words would have lifted me into action any other time, they only deepened my desire to hide away.

“Where is my staff?” I grumbled. I didn’t intend using it, but wanted it nearby.

“Gibel’s been working on it. It’s going to look really nice,” she replied. “He’s the one who made my blades with the overgrowth from Adriel’s scythe.”

“No,” I retorted, upset at the idea of having to go out of my way to retrieve my staff.

Confusion flickered across her face. “No…to what?”

“I’m tired. I don’t want to train,” I murmured.

Once she left, I drifted to sleep, because I felt like it was the only way to be alone. When I woke up, I rose from the pillow with a soreness from the glasses twisted against my forehead and the bridge of my nose. I definitely felt more comfortable with something on my face, but took a break by sliding it up to my head.

I extended my hand over to the side of the bed and reached for the feather. It was still pretty, but I lost my faith in it as my lucky charm.

With everything quiet, I brushed it along my face while I looked towards the dark window and realized it was the perfect moment to enjoy the outside in solitude.

I opened the door only for my stomach to sink as I quietly attempted to reverse back into the room. But it was already too late. I quickly dropped my sunglasses down from my head.

“Why are you out here?” I asked down at the stirring pile of feathers.

“Thought you were sleeping,” Raziel said. His amber eyes glowed like gold under the shadow of his wings, invoking the image of metallic gel pen on black paper. It made it easily noticeable that he was avoiding my gaze.

“Should you be out here?” I asked, confused and a bit worried. I didn’t understand why he was outside instead of resting in bed.

Raziel gestured upward to indicate Zeekiel’s raven perched above us as if it were his permission. “I’m sorry about your scars. Ellie said you didn’t want to come out today.”

“You don’t have to sit out here waiting to say you’re sorry,” I said.

“If it means anything, I’m paying for my failure,” he said.

I studied him skeptically. “You okay?”

“For now,” Raziel said and peered up at Zeekiel’s spot again, but this time missing the presence of the large black bird. The four-winged angel got up and stretched. “Have you seen the garden? We should go for a walk,” he insisted.

I trailed behind him, my reluctance apparent in my slow, dragging steps. He turned his head to look back at me, shifting his wings to peer past his shoulders. “And what about you? Are you okay?” he inquired.

I replied, “Eventually.”

“Has anything changed since the incident…?” Raziel asked, his tone tight with concern.

I shook my head. “Am I supposed to have noticed something?”

“Uriel spoke to you about what happened, right?” he inquired further.

“Yeah, I’m sorry you got screwed over trying to save me,” I said.

The apology felt awkward hanging there between us. I could still picture him sitting curled against the outside wall of my room, wings folded uncomfortably just to be near me. I looked off at the gardens, stalling, before he finally spoke again.

“You shouldn’t apologize,” he said with a nervous chuckle. “Though I wish I knew in advance that losing a fraction of myself this way would be uncomfortable.”

“How so?”

He paused, looking around, and clutched his chest. “It burns. When I’m with Ellie during the day, I manage to feel alright, but the nights are unbearable. I can’t sleep, but being close to you somehow eases the discomfort.”

“Me?” I squeaked, my eyes widening, surprised by the sudden intimacy of his words.

“That’s why I was outside your room,” he confessed awkwardly. “I’ve tried everything to make it go away, but nothing else has worked.”

“That sucks,” I sympathized, retreating behind him. His words were a plea for understanding, and I didn’t know how to reply appropriately. We only met a few times, but this situation forced us closer. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I’m fine, and Uriel said someone could help fix it all.”

"I don't think it's going to be so easy," he said softly. "The most natural outcome is I'm going to have to wait."

The way his voice thinned unsettled me. At first, I thought he meant waiting with patience. But then his shoulders shifted, like he was steadying himself under something heavier.

My stomach dipped as the realization took hold. "Oh… you mean when I die?"

Raziel's amber eyes didn’t waver. The air between us cooled, emptied of all the little night sounds, like the world itself paused to hear his answer. "Yes," he finally said. "When you die, that’s when I’ll get it back."

The garden tilted away from me as I dizzily stepped away from him. If ending me gave him what he’d lost, what stopped him from reaching for that right now? I swallowed, voice breaking against the thought. "Can't we finish the vow?" My words came out tight, desperate, like they were being pulled from the back of my throat.

“Unfortunately, we’re not at the same level. Receiving an ill-proportionate aeon from an angel is just as dangerous.”

“How does someone get on the same level as you?”

The four-winged angel explained, “You’ll need to start by establishing connections, building a network of vows, and learning from them. This should expand your capabilities. Maybe you could ask Ellie? You two are on the same level.”

A bitter thought entered my mind, reminding me of my inadequacies. Self-doubt whispered in my ear, mocking my abilities. Of course, I was on the same level as an angel who faints whenever they attempt magic.

It was a cruel thought, not just about myself, but to Ellie, too.

I refused to consume her with my negativity. Instead, I promised myself that we’d both get stronger.

With newfound determination burning in my chest, I asked, “Will I even be able to find more angels?”

“That’s part of the process,” he replied.

“Do I always have to keep this on now?” I glanced down at my pendant, wondering if it would impede any future connections.

He shook his head. “What’s done is done. I suggest keeping it on for now, though. It does work…”

“I’ll work on fixing this then,” I affirmed.

He looked at me, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll do what you need to make the vow right. You’ll be fine then, won’t you?”

He seemed to consider my suggestion for a moment before he explained, “I appreciate that determination, but it’ll take a while, and eventually I will have to go home.”

“What’s the harm in trying?”

“Nothing,” he said and smiled. “I can wait.”

“Would you teach me what I need to do?”

“How do you assume I do that?” He challenged. “You don’t even want to leave that room. Are your eyes that bad?” He paused in his steps, looking back, and it provoked me to move the shades from my face. “You’re right. I’m sorry I saved your life to give you such hideous eyes like mine. ”

“Like…yours?” I repeated.

“Yes,” he responded. “Those are Saniel’s, but they don’t seem to illuminate the same as an angel’s would.”

Saniel’s. He said her name so casually it sent a nauseating wave over me that made me grip my thumbs. I’d been so focused on the damage, I assumed my eyes looked the way they did because they burned with the rest of my face.

“Are you afraid people will recognize you?” He said to my silence, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Well, I wasn’t until you said something,” I admitted.

“Don’t worry. They were going to change with your first vow, and anyone who sustained a relationship with her most likely already saw your eyes like that.”

“You didn’t see them like this before, right?” I asked.

He accurately recalled the color of my eyes before and said, “I think your eyes now are still beautiful,” he said before awkwardly waving his hand in front of his face. “I mean, you know, despite everything.”

My cheeks burned, remembering doing the same to him. He mirrored my awkward motion, probably believing it was a normal human gesture.

“Anyway,” he started quickly, changing the subject. “I wouldn’t be able to recognize any of the reincarnations. She had a lot of supporters, but honestly, it’d only be a handful who could pick her out.”

“Like Zeekiel,” I said, without question, understanding what Ellie meant when she was supposed to protect “the person Zeek found”. “Gross,” I joked, while internally, I couldn’t help but think about how every time the demon looked at me, I was reminding him of someone he truly despised.

Raziel laughed along. “You’d have to ask him that.”

For all the answers Zeekiel kept, I was going to have to learn how to talk to him if I wanted any of them.

Lost in my thoughts, flocks of birds flew over, so many I could hear their wings and landing feet.

“The sun's coming up,” Raziel announced. “They’ll be using this place soon.”

“It’s so loud in the morning,” I said. “Damn, birds are a wake-up call.”

“I learned they’re summons. Apparently, the angels here share bonds with them and act as avatars for those who still have their wings, but can’t fly. They take over to travel.”

We approached the front of the house, and it was as charming as I could have imagined. At the top of the middle arch above the entrance, two wooden birds were carved and painted.

As the sun rose, we sat on the steps of the front porch. I listened to all the angel’s revelations about how the people lived at the Sanctuary, and it helped ease my apprehension of the idea of meeting them.