Prologue

The school bell.
To many students, it’s the sign of a new day filled with yet another bunch of fun activities.
Hanging out with friends, playing games, going to karaoke, you name it.
But to others, like myself, it’s another reminder of the struggles that we face on a day-to-day basis.
Not just at school, but in life as a whole.
Every time I hear the bell’s memorable chime, these struggles become more heavy to bear.
This may sound overly melodramatic, I know, but I have my reasons for thinking this way.
Ugh. Anyway, my name is Shako Ikitayashi.
I’m just your ordinary high school boy who struggles to fit in - though I’m sure you already guessed that at this point.

My life has had its fair share of tragic moments.
You can blame my lousy parents for that!
This might sound a bit harsh, and perhaps you’re right.
They are my parents, after all.
Still, I reckon life would be a lot easier if I didn’t have to deal with their problems.
My dad is your typical Japanese salaryman, who works at a local retail company on the other side of town.
He is a diligent, honest man, who has performed his craft for over two decades now.
Unfortunately, because of the company’s steady decline in sales and the lay-offs that followed soon after, it put a lot more stress on my dad’s mind.
As a result, he developed a heavy alcohol addiction.
This too hasn’t had a positive effect on both his physical and mental health, as you can imagine.
My mother tried to confront him about it, but she only made things worse.
Nowadays, my parents basically have a falling-out every night, and it almost always ends with my mother bursting into tears.
She fears that if this keeps up, our family might go into debt - although maybe that should be the least of her worries.
By the way, my mother is a teacher at a nearby kindergarten.
She used to always share stories with me about the kids there, about how goofy and silly they were.
You could tell how much she enjoyed her job, and she would always do it with the biggest smile on her face.
Yet as of late, the happy energy she radiated is nowhere to be found.
I try my best to pay my parents’ quarrels no mind, but at times I can’t help but wonder if they’d be better off without me.
Maybe then they wouldn’t have such a hard time, just to make ends meet.

Anyway, that’s enough depressing stuff coming from me.
Now, back to school.
The bell rang just as I entered the school grounds.
Taking my time strolling towards the main building, I noticed other students running past me like their lives depended on it.
Not strange, as Ashikaga High holds a reputation for its strict rules and at times outdated traditions.
Founded right after World War II, it strives to deliver the best form of education to children, while also maintaining Japanese core beliefs and values.
Or so we are told.
Either way, as a result, most students feel that failing a course is not an option and that therefore they must maintain a good reputation.
“*Yawn* Hopefully that final late-night sprint was worth it.” I muttered, rubbing the dust out of my eyes.
Midterms were upon us, which also explained why everyone around me was so on edge.
Like always, there were those who were confident that they would do well, while others made use of the little time that they had left to cram some last-minute information into their brains.
Me? I was neither confident, nor doubtful.
I never worried too much about studying for tests, since my parents were always content with whatever grade I received.
Speaking about grades, mine are neither bad nor good - just plain average.

When I reached my classroom on the second floor, I noticed my friend, Rai Sonoda, standing near the doorway.
“’Sup, Shako! Studied hard for the test? Um…is everything all right?”
I let out another yawn and answered:
“Hey, Rai! Ah, could be better, I suppose! I just went over the source material…until midnight. Honestly, I’m dead tired right now.”
“No kidding. You look like a zombie.”
Rai has been my friend since I first entered Ashikaga High.
With a kind and caring personality, he is always there for people in need of help.
Back when I first got here, I was often harassed and bullied by other students, to the point where I would spend the lunch breaks alone and far away from everyone.
One day, Rai confronted these bullies of mine and got himself into a fight, which surprisingly he ended up winning.
After that, I was never bullied again.
That following day, Rai walked up to me and asked if he could be friends with me.
I asked him why, to which he shrugged his shoulders and asked if he needed a reason.
Somehow, his response made me laugh aloud.
Besides his positive character traits, he is good-looking as well.
Black spiky hair and deep brown eyes, paired with a taller-than-average and muscular body.
Add to that him being the captain of our school’s football team, and it’s no wonder he has amassed quite the female fanbase.
Many – including myself – would be jealous of him.
Yet contrary to what most people might think, this attention, to him, is more a curse than a gift – at least that’s what he told me.
More than anything, Rai simply loves helping others.
Even if it’s against the betterment of his health.
I still vividly remember that time he tried to save a cat that got stuck in a tree.
Once he managed to get the poor beast, he slipped on a branch and ended up dislocating his right shoulder.
The cat was fine, fortunately.
Nonetheless, Rai can also be brutally honest.
So was the case when I told him about my situation at home for the first time.
I truly got an earful, which is all I will say.
And while his words may have felt harsh at the time, I also knew that he was right.
As was with everything else us two argued about.
“And how is it going at home?”
“Ah, you know, the usual arguing. At this point, I’ve become somewhat used to it.”
A short, painful silence followed, before Rai opened his mouth again.
“Listen Shako, you know how I feel about this. I truly wish I could help you, but I can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but out of respect for you and your family. I don’t want to see your parents end up worse because of my actions. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself and neither would you.”
He paused to breathe in some fresh air and added:
“Having said that, if there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s to not wait too long and do something about it while you still can.”
“I know. I know. It’s just… I don’t know what to do. My dad won’t listen to reason, and my mum’s hysteria has only gotten worse. Lately… I’ve even been wondering if they would be better off without me.”
Out of nowhere, Rai suddenly grabbed me by my collar and pulled me towards him.
He looked me straight in the eyes, with an expression that bordered sheer disapproval.
“If there’s one thing that I hate the most, it’s people saying the world’s better off without them. Everyone has a purpose. You just haven’t found yours yet.”
He then let go of me and returned to normal.
As he did, the school bell rang loudly through the hallways, this time signaling the start of class.
“We should go inside.”
Before we entered our classroom, I stopped and said:
“Thanks, Rai! For wanting to help me. I still can’t believe you gave a nobody like me the chance to become your friend.”
He turned around and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“You’re not a nobody, Shako. Remember that.”

I followed him into the classroom and went to my designated desk.
Mine was all the way in the back corner, while Rai’s was near the front entrance.
I sat down and began staring aimlessly out of the window, watching as the last few students made their way inside the school building.
Everyone around me was either bragging about how well they studied for the tests or sharing their plans for the weekend.
Of course, the only thing that would await me this weekend was the same Hell I’d been going through these last few weeks.
Then Rai’s words wandered through my head again.
“My purpose, huh?”
Suddenly, I heard a commotion coming from the other side of the classroom.
I turned my head to see what was happening and noticed the silhouette of a large man standing in the doorframe.
Once he entered the classroom, everyone began to - almost on command - quickly walk to their desks.
Mr. Takui, also known as “The Bull”, had arrived.
Not much is known about him, only that he is our P.E. teacher and despises socializing - especially with kids, strangely enough!
There has been a rumour going around school that he once punched a kid who told him that he looked funny.
That’s why most students now call him: “The Bull”.
When he reached his desk, he spoke to the class with a thundering voice.
“All right, everyone, please sit down! I’ll be filling in for Ms. Hoga, who is ill today. Apparently, you need to do some tests. Maths, am I correct? Not that I know anything about it. Before we begin, I only have two rules you need to follow during the next 120 minutes: No talking and no cheating! Anyone who ignores those rules can go see the principle. And trust me, that’s the last thing you want to do.”
Next, he instructed – or rather, forced – two of the front rowers to hand out the test sheets.
The entire classroom had fallen dead-silent.
Students were trying their hardest not to make any noise, as even the slightest of creaks would sound like a bomb going off.
After all the tests were handed out, our midterms had officially begun.

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours.
As time went by, I ended up answering more questions than I’d expected to.
I was doing pretty well, or so I thought.
Eventually, I reached the final question with around thirty minutes left to spare.
I carefully read the assignment and thought of a possible answer.
Right as I was about to write down my answer, something odd started happening to me.
I began hearing a faint buzz in my ear.
At first, I barely noticed it, but over the next minute the buzzing became increasingly louder.
Then, the buzzing died down and instead turned into a horrifying sound.
A cacophony of voices, all saying the same thing, over and over again:

“DO IT!”
“DO IT!”
“DO IT!”

I tried to ignore it by putting my focus back on the test.
As I did, I felt that my eyelids were getting heavier, as if someone was pulling them shut.
I could barely see a thing anymore, and before I knew it, I also lost all feeling in my neck.
My head hit the table with a loud thud and everything became pitch black.
“Ten minutes remaining! I would begin finishing your test right now if I were you. Huh?” Mr. Takui noticed that my head was resting on top of the chestnut table and came over to check on me.
“Mr. Ikitayashi, no slacking around! If you think sleeping during exams is allowed, then you’re quite mistaken! If you have nothing better to do, why don’t you go and report yourself to the principal? That will teach you to go to bed on time.”
Various students snickered at his vicious remark, but the Bull quickly made an end to that by looking menacingly around the classroom.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t even move a muscle.
I had no control over my body.
Something had taken over.

Mr. Takui almost considered kicking me out, when I stood up – or rather, my body did.
While I had no control over it, somehow, I could still see and feel what was going on around me.
Everyone stared horrified at me.
From the reflection in the window, I could barely make out that my eyes resembled those of a dead fish – big and empty.
The Bull looked at me and asked if I was okay.
I didn’t reply.
I couldn’t, after all.
Then, my body knelt down and reached out to my backpack.
It started rummaging through the bag until it had found what it was searching for.
When I noticed what it was, I tried telling my body to let go of the thing, but to no avail.
All I could do was listen to those cursed voices telling me:

“GRAB THE KNIFE.”
“GRAB THE KNIFE.”
“GRAB THE KNIFE.”

To everyone’s horror, I was holding a box cutter in my hand.
Even Mr. Takui, who was normally quite fearless, had taken a step backwards.
“Shako, don’t do anything rash with that. Please, think about what you’re doing.”
All the students began to panic.
Some were screaming and others were begging me not to hurt them, yet I had no control over my own actions any more.
Even though I was screaming towards myself to stop, my body kept moving on its own.
Then the voices changed dialogue and ordered something that scared me so much, I begged that this was all just a dream:

“KILL YOURSELF!”
“KILL YOURSELF!”
“KILL YOURSELF!”

Slowly, my arm began moving towards my neck, with faltering motion, until the cold touch of the knife’s blade pressed firmly against my throat. Already, a small stream of blood was seeping down my neck, staining the collar of my uniform in a deep red.
I tried begging for someone to save me, to stand up and take the knife out of my hand, but instead everyone – including Rai – remained seated at their desk.
I can’t blame them, as I would have done the same in this situation.
Then, with a quick motion, I slit my throat wide open.
Blood started gushing out of the wound and with a loud bang my body fell to the ground.
Screams and cries filled the classroom, while only one person dashed over towards me.
“Shako! Shit! He’s losing a lot of blood. Mr. Takui, please call the ambulance.”
Rai was bending over me, with a look of desperation visible in his eyes.
He hastily tried to close the wound by pressing his crumpled uniform against it, but it didn’t seem to have any effect.
Slowly, all my senses faded away.
My eyesight lessened, and it became harder to hear what was going on around me.
The only thing I could do was lay still and bear the immeasurable pain that was radiating throughout my throat.
Soon after, I could feel my eyes closing and my breathing slowing down, until it completely stopped.
Only when everything around me turned totally black did I realize.

I had died.