Because Of You

Anu wasn’t aware if it was the cold he despised more or the trepid desolation of his heart. Breaking into an anxiety-ridden dash, Anu crossed over the cobbled ginkgo street and towards the Quad before entering the lustrous Faculty of Letters. He tapped his identity card over the scanner and scurried to his office on the east wing’s second floor.

The ache in his chest persistently kept echoing Director Okinomiya’s final words. It made him cower, made him feel small and powerless. He was nothing. He had always been nothing. An utter disappointment.

His fingers fumbled at the knob, as the keys, despite his best effort, slid past the mould. It took more than a few attempts and even more deep breaths before he could open it. Scanning the dark veil of the dusk over his office, he saw the shimmering amber shadow play across the snowy louvre. Over his table, casting a long shadow, sat a brown cup in solidarity. It bore the ginkgo emblem, similar to one Ayano had offered at dawn.

As his breathing returned to familiarity, he scurried over the desk, ignoring the brief fragrance of cocoa with a hint of vanilla, and pulled open the drawer. Inside were multiple dossiers and a tottered-gold-bound book. Its pages were rusty with their insides smelling of archaic ink.

“You have left me no choice, professor,” he whispered into the dusk, as he stuffed an ancient tome into his satchel.

There was a thrill that Anu felt. It was close to addictive. In the face of the unfeasible, his senses fought for hope. Glancing at the louvre, he saw an eerie outline of a winged creature. His heart beat fastened as the thought of defying the Institute made his stomach sink. But then he heard a sharp noise from deep within him, of glass shattering and wings flapping, then the inevitable thumping on the door.

He hadn’t even tried to do anything yet? Anu scrambled backwards, his back pressed against the wall, with nowhere to escape.

‘You are a disappointment,’ The words echoed again, that same raspy tone, with a tinge of regret and contempt. A reminder of his ghost, one he had slain. So many thoughts raced through his head, and yet he still felt strangely empty, like he was paralysed. His skin was burning, with the feeling of pinpricks emerging over his chest and arm. His mouth felt dry as his vision dimmed by the second.

The knob twisted, and the door was pushed open. Behind them were a familiar pair of magenta eyes that were filled with worry and relief.

“Ayano?” Anu croaked.

“I have been trying to look for you everywhere,” she breathed in relief as a shaky smile flickered across her face. “What happened? I tried calling you. But you wouldn’t respond, not even on the line.”

“I…” his teeth clattered as he tried to speak. “Uh...the director, well…”

Anu glanced towards the marble floor, not wanting to meet her gaze. The allegations of Director Okinomiya were not misplaced. He had been a terrible person, and right in the vulnerability, even his self-imposed ego was for nought.

“I am fine,” Anu managed, his voice still shaky. “There was a minor hiccup-”

A familiar waft of cinnamon and the resemblance of warmth embraced him. He was enveloped in Ayano’s arms as she held him close to her chest. Her finger gently caressed his tensed back, his vision seemingly swimming. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, or how much he cried that eve. But years after this incident would have come to pass, Anu would look back at it with a regretful tone.

“Pride is a dagger of one’s own creation,” Director Okinomiya had said. “It will annihilate not only you but even those around you.”

The myriad of kaleidoscopic lights jumped across the raised tied strings over the high-rise building of Hongo-dori avenue. He stood across the same café as that morning, except this time Ayano maintained her hold on him, gently tugging on his powder-chaffed cuffs.

“I had an idea of what the Director would say…” She had decided to walk him to his home after the rare display of vulnerability Anu had shown. Ayano had become overprotective of him. It was similar to when they were engaged romantically. “But to drop it so suddenly. Even I couldn’t see it coming.”

“I am sure Dr. Schneider knew all about it, too,” He sighed, his eyes fixated upon her glossy, pink fingernail as her grip only tightened.

“I don't think so,” she countered. “I talked with him right after you left. He was very joyous. Maybe even more than you were on the discovery of the new inscription. He even promised to fly down from Berlin next week, cutting his vacation short.”

“He did?”

She gave him a nod.

“I didn’t expect that from him.”

“You never do,” she giggled, though Anu could tell it wasn’t her usual carefree, pristine cackle but one lidded with grief.

“I see,” he replied dryly, not knowing what else to say.

“So, what’s the plan now?” Ayano asked after a pause.

“Plan?”

“You didn't steal the Shinyobun Epigraphica just as an act of rebellion now, did you?” she asked teasingly, her magenta eyes sparkling in mischief.

“You saw that,” he shook his head, slightly exasperated.

“Guilty as charged.”

“I am at the end of my wits with this one, Ayano,” he murmured as he watched the group of students, different from this morning, sitting across the same table. This time, giggling as they discussed their day. A smile tugged at his face as he wondered what it meant to be that carefree.

“I…” Ayano, who was beside him for the first time since the office, averted her gaze; her voice was shaky, devoid of the usual confidence. “I... see,” she finished.

Anu glanced at her; her cheeks were flushed as she played with a strand of her hair that she had tugged loose, a nervous habit of hers that he was painfully too familiar with.

“But…” he continued, gazing at the billboard at the end of the street, which displayed the recent findings of the Hokkaido Shinyobun site. “Until the formal annulment of our research arrives, I don’t plan on changing our schedule.”

“You still plan on travelling to the site?”

“More or less,” Anu obliged. “As for the book-” he patted his satchel. “Prinsep once said, ‘The labour of unravelling the mystery of these characters was repaid a hundredfold when the first signs gave way to sense and history began to speak’. As long as I can decipher the texts, whether in the office or on the site, the conclusive result of my labour over the years to this Institute and the language will be complete. And then I can finally rest.”

“You talk as if you are planning to leave…” Ayano murmured quietly.

“There is no change in the schedule, Ayano-” he paused, he had not only called her by first name now, but twice. He wanted to tell her that we planned on retiring but stopped.

“Hm?”

“We leave tomorrow morning. First Shinkansen to Sapporo, then drive to Shimokawa town and finally trek to the site.”

“I knew you were crazy about this. But this is something else,” she gave him a side eye, shaking her head. “How do you plan to defend yourself if a wild animal attacks?”

“I didn’t... They can?”

“Yeah, leave the logistics to me,” she facepalmed but smiled nonetheless. “You focus solely on the deciphering. After all, that’s how we have always worked. You, the brains for academics, while I, the brains for street smarts, it’s the dream team.”