Alone

   In the cafeteria room, it was surprisingly empty. Only the same ten students from her own class were there, and most of them were sitting on their own (several weren’t even in the cafeteria.)

Towards the back of the room, where the food was prepared, you could see several tiny pixies going back and forth over the counters. Carrying things that seemed impossibly too large for them, like ladles, spoons, foods. They were strong like ants apparently. Hao Hao might found it more interesting if she wasn’t busy dreading her assigned task.

Hao Hao stood behind a planter. A food tray in her hands but an indecisive heart that didn’t even notice the dish going cold. Shui bobbed nearby.

“What are you waiting for?” Shui asked.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Of course you can!” Despite the clear excitable motivation is trying to display, it was still really quiet. A very gentle voice. It said, “She’s sitting alone right now. Maybe you could just introduce yourself?”

“Ah.”

When it was put like that, it didn’t sound quite so hard. Just a simple introduction. Nothing fancy. She didn’t have to try to ask her to join the gardening club yet. Just a simple: Hello, my name is Hao Hao. Nice to meet you. It still made her nervous, but it was simple enough that she could find the confidence to step back into the cafeteria and try it.

She walked over to Mae’s table and started to speak, but the words were so low that not a single soul could hear them. Mae eventually looked up. She asked, “Who are you to dare to approach the Mae Ikari?”

“Ah! Um… I’m…” She whispered her name right below audible level.

“You are what now?”

“Hao…”

“How? Do you not know how to introduce yourself?”

“No, um…”

This girl spoke far too fast for Hao Hao. She was too fast in general actually, for when she stood and started pulling Hao Hao away, she barely had time to register that the two of them were leaving the cafeteria and entering the hall. Mae dragged Hao Hao all the way to the cubbies, where she proceeded to look over the names printed on them with her finger.

“Alice, Cleo, Daichi, Emily…” And then her finger landed on Hao Hao’s name. She looked it over and squinted her eyes. Eventually she looked up, asking, “Hao Hao… am I pronouncing that right?”

“Hm.” She hummed affirmatively, or tried to at least. Mae nodded.

“Nice to meet you Hao Hao. I’m Mae. Mae Ikari.”

As if she hadn’t already heard. Still, Hao Hao kept quiet as she shook the girl’s hand. Mae asked, “When did you arrive?”

“Ah. Just today.” Although… what time was it? Hao Hao didn’t actually know. There weren’t any clocks on any of the walls, nor any school bells or anything. She’d followed the other kids in the cafeteria because she assumed they must somehow know.

“Recently. Got it.” And she looked over Hao Hao’s name on the locker again. She asked, “That’s not a common name for this area. May I ask where you’re from?”

“Oh, um…. I, well, I used to live across the sea.”

“Interesting. I’m from somewhere else too.”

“Ah.” Hao Hao was too shy to ask where.

Mae put her hand to her chin. Whatever she was thinking about, she was thinking about it really hard. Eventually she snapped her finger and turned to Hao Hao, “You know, you’re a very pretty girl—”

The idea of that thought makes her uncomfortable. She knows the correct answer to someone saying your pretty is thank you, but she can’t bring herself to say it. She stares through Mae. Mae doesn’t notice.

“But I think I can do better with you.”

Before Hao Hao could say a word, Mae was dragging her down the hall again. Farther this time. Hao Hao felt her wrist might fall off when Mae finally let her go this time. She opened the doors to one of the classes and rushed in, Hao Hao trailing behind her.

The room was laced over in pink fabric. Shelves were messy with all sorts of pins, needles, and fabrics of all sorts of colors and patterns. Mannequins were placed on the other side of the room. Dressed in different outfits reflecting many different styles, patterns and colors. Some were pink and pastel and laced, while another might be putrid and gothic. All of them were very intricate formal wear; dresses or suits, with the suitable accompanying accessory, like ties, shawls, or even capes.

“Your blue hair is really unique. I think we can use that.”

“Use it?”

“Give me a minute.” She said as she stepped forward to rummage through the shelves. Hao Hao tried to speak to her, but it seemed she was in her own world.

Shui appeared. It said, “I can feel so much energy here. You might want to look.”

Hao Hao nodded and blinked. Instantly, the dark room was full of spirits of many assortments of colors. Far more than the five she saw before. She blinked several times just to make sure she was seeing things correctly. Stranger still, she realized that some of these spirits were clothed, and some even lacked eyes or mouths; faceless.

“What should I do?” Hao Hao asked.

Shui looked over at Mae. It said, “Seems like she’s distracted. Maybe you should talk to the spirits to try to get a read on her?”

Hao Hao nodded. After talking to Shui and Color, she felt slightly more confident in her ability to talk to spirits. She approached the one that was closest to her. Blue with glasses. It was looking over a particularly Shakespearian dressed mannequin.

He spoke with a masculine voice. “Hello there.”

“Hi.”

“Are you Mae’s friend?” He asked.

“Well, um….”

“Yes.” Shui said.

“Good. This room has been empty for far too long.”

Hao Hao looked about the room. It looked to her like it was used plenty. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that it’s only been Mae in this room. She made all the outfits here, you see.”

Really? Hao Hao never would have guessed. How can one person make so many things? It was impressive as much as it was also insane.

A red spirit by the shelving suddenly left Mae’s side, choosing to approach Hao Hao. Speaking firm and feminine, she said, “Gha! Get away from there!” Hao Hao backed away. The red spirit yelled, “Mae Ikari needs no one! No one!”

The blue one floated to the other side of the room. Hao Hao wasn’t alone though, as another spirit came to her rescue. A purple one with a tie said, “However much you may want to believe that, it isn’t true. Friendship and camaraderie are a necessary.”

“No, they aren’t! The red one yelled.

“Please. You can’t even come up with a logical counter.”

“Just— be quiet already!”

“I will not be quiet.”

A light purple spirit floated up from the ground to stand (float) between them. She said, “Please stop fighting.”

“I’ll stop if he stops.” The red one managed to glare at the purple one with its faceless head.

“I will when you stop being so foolish.”

Now the three of them were all yelling at each other. Shui pulled Hao Hao away from them and said, “Oh dear. This is worse than I thought. Spirits, even ones separated like this, shouldn’t argue like this. I can only imagine what Mae’s going through.”

Hao Hao thought on Shui’s words. She asked, “Can spirits lie?”

“No.” Shui shook, “But… they do only say things that the person is thinking. So, if the person is lying to themselves…”

Hao Hao could connect the dots. She asked, “What do I do?”

“Maybe try talking to them one at a time?”

Hao Hao figured it couldn’t hurt to try that. She came up to an orange spirit that stood by one of the mannequins; this one wore a lovely pink gown with bows all over. Hao Hao asked, “Did Mae make this?”

“Yes.” She said plainly.

“You sound disappointed.”

“It didn’t come out quite right.”

It was hard for Hao Hao to say whether she agreed or not. It wasn’t something she’d ever choose to wear, but that didn’t mean it was bad. Really, she was impressed by it. It looked like it took a lot of work to make.

A yellow spirit came forward. She said, “It looks nice!”

“Sure.” The orange one said.

Hao Hao moved on before she could witness another spirit argument. Towards the back of the room she spotted a spirit she hadn’t seen before; this one was a dark grey like charcoal. If any of them had revelations she figured it’d be that one.

“Hello?” Hao Hao whispered. Mae was still busy rummaging through the drawers and didn’t notice her.

“Hello.” It said, speaking in a low, androgynous voice.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiding.”

“Why?” Shui asked.

“I’m not welcome here.”

Hao Hao went quiet. Again, Shui took the lead. It said, “Well, I welcome you!”

“Mh.” It said.

“Just ‘mh?’”

“Your kindness is fake. It’s never real.”

It turned away. Shui turned to Hao Hao, “It sounds to me like she’s sad, and she’s trying to hide it with all this.” This, meaning the room of multicolored spirits.

“So, what do I do?”

“We should try talking to her. If we can find out why she’s sad, maybe we can help.”

Hao Hao nodded. The idea made her uneasy more than anything, but it didn’t feel right to just turn away now. In a blink, the soul realm was gone, and she approached Mae. She tried to get her attention, but either she spoke too low, or Mae really was very distracted. Eventually she turned on her own. She said, “Sorry, I need a few more minutes. I swear it was just right here—”

Mae turned to another shelf, but she seemed to be listening this time. Hao Hao asked, “You made all of these?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s impressive.”

“I guess.”

Even though Shui didn’t appear, Hao Hao could almost hear it’s voice encouraging her, cheering her on. She said, “It really is. I can’t imagine a single person doing all of it.”

Mae looked up for a moment. Pointing at a dress that was a deep red and green, somehow looking like an oil painting more than something a person could wear, she explained, “I made that one with Alice, but she doesn’t want credit.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but I don’t feel comfortable taking all the credit, so there it sits.”

She seemed to be a little bit more than disappointed about it. Hao Hao asked, “Are you mad about that?”

“No. It’s her choice obviously, but I don’t accept help or collaboration anymore with art. It’s nothing but disappointing.”

That… might actually be more depressing than Hao Hao’s own world view. She could see the spirits at play as Mae spoke. Bitterness at how the exchange hurt her, fear at the thought of it happening again, but also a small light of hope that danced in the light of her eyes.

Mae finally showed her the sketch. It was of a long, flowing dress. Mae said, “Well?”

“It… looks nice.”

“Doesn’t it? I want to make this for you.”

“For me?” Hao Hao asked, shocked.

“Yes. Would sequins be too much? I think you would look so cute in sequins.” And as she spoke she made notes all over the rest of the page she had drawn on. She said, “This will be the prettiest dress you own. No question.”

For how shy she was, Hao Hao seemed to be able to find her voice at this moment. “No.”

Mae looked up from her page. “What?” She asked.

“I said no.”

“What’s wrong? You don’t like it?”

“It’s pretty.”

“Then why don’t you want it?” Mae said, anger rising. Hao Hao stepped away, to nervous to speak. Mae came forward and Hao Hao braced herself. “I’m sorry.” She said, but Mae merely stepped past her.

“No, no; thank you. I don’t really have time for this anyway. Mae Ikari has more important things to do.”

And then the door slammed.

Uncertainty flowed throughout Hao Hao. Should she follow? Should she leave? Shui appeared. Silent because it didn’t need to tell her. She blinked into the soul realm and saw nothing but empty darkness. It seemed Mae had left metaphorically as well as physically; all the voices were gone.

As she turned towards the door, she saw just one spirit left behind in Mae’s wake. A light pink spirit. Tears rolled down its fuzzy cheeks.

“Why?” It asked.

“Hm?” Hao Hao asked.

“Why is it like this?” it asked, sobbing, “Why can’t I have a friend that’s as passionate as I am? Why is that passion a bad thing?”

Hao Hao found she had no answer for the thing. It continued.

“Don’t you understand?”

In earnest? Hao Hao did not understand. She never did really have any friends, even back in her old home. She struggled socially even with people she loved and trusted. Hao Hao chose to hide herself as much as she could. Mae seemed to wear her heart out for all to see.

What was worse? Hiding, or being so open that your very spirit can get hurt?

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t do it on my own, but… I am alone.”

And that one sentence explained it all. Mae was afraid of being alone; so much so that she was convincing herself she wasn’t. She was one of many in her mind. Perhaps that was why she spoke her own name sometimes too. A way of confirming the separation, even to herself. At its heart, this was an identity crisis.

Hao Hao looked to Shui. White and gentle. It stayed silent, offering no specific advice, but the look in its eyes said far more than the words could. It said to her: you know what to do.

She ran out of the room after Mae. Following in the spirit realm made it easy; that explosion of color could be seen from anywhere, and Mae herself was pretty loud too. She was talking to herself. Her and her many spirits.

“We should keep it. It’s pretty!” Yellow said.

“It’s okay.” Orange said.

“It’s not good enough. It’s never good enough.” Black said.

“Mae!”

Hao Hao shouted. Unlike her in every way, but she did it anyway. Even the Mae Ikari had to turn. “What?” she asked.

“I… I want to tell you why I don’t want the dress.”

“Fine. Why?”

“Honestly, I’m not comfortable with wearing dresses or skirts.” And she looked down at her own skirt as she said it. She despised it, honestly, and she just wished she could feel comfortable in her own skin. She said to Mae, “I don’t… I don’t want to be seen as feminine. I want to be seen as me.”

Mae blinked twice. “Oh.’ She said.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“Don’t be. Perhaps I was brash.” Mae said. “So the problem is that it’s a dress? Would you… maybe, want something with pants? I can work with that.”

Hao Hao stared at her. She hadn’t even thought of that, but the moment it was suggested, she found herself really liking it.

She was too shy to say it, but Mae nodded, “I’ll work on a sketch. You can tell me later if you like it.”

Hao Hao nodded, and then Shui appeared beside her, giving her a gentle reminder of why she was here. Hao Hao said, “Mae, um, would you want to help Alice and me start a gardening club?”

“Really?” Hao Hao nodded. Mae said, “I’m not sure what I’d do, to be honest. I don’t know much about gardening.”

“I… I could teach you, and I think Alice wants you there too. She said you might help attract the other students…”

Mae stared again, and from Hao Hao’s perspective, she could almost see the lights of her spirit flickering around her. Purple for logic, orange for uncertainty, blue for hope, black for misery, pink for despair…

Red for passion.

“Well, I am Mae Ikari. People should naturally flock towards me.”

So far, Hao Hao had only seen people flock away from her, but it was nice to see her have that light back in her eyes. “So, you’ll join?”

“I will. Thank you very much for asking me.”

And as the two of them smiled and joined hands to go tell Alice, it dawned on Hao Hao that she wasn’t feeling quite as nervous anymore. Maybe this new school isn’t so bad after all.