Thoughts that Devour

Those words had hit me like the speed of light. I couldn't put two and two together when she had said them to me. What did she mean by saying that if I would save her? Wasn't she trying to save me? Wasn't that her intention from the very beginning?

The thoughts lingered in my head for a good minute or two and before I could say anything to her about it, she beamed me one last smile and started walking away from me. Unconsciously, I extended my hand towards her.

"Where are you going?"

"Home"

Home? What did she mean by going home? We had just gotten there a few minutes prior and she was already planning on going back and by herself to top it off "You're leaving just like that?"

"Yeah... I did and said what I needed to" A thin smile formed on her face, it was almost as if she was forcing herself to smile at me, but I could tell that it was fake. Everything about her fleeting image in the moment wasn't sitting right with me... It was almost as if I was seeing myself in her.

Even though I could have easily left as well and gone back to my home, I didn't... I continued sitting down where I was previously and continued staring into the river. The way I looked at it before to how I did now was completely different... 

"I can't believe she did those things here... In this very river" I gently stuck my hand into the river and let the water flow between my fingers. She had felt this same feeling as well... Her blood had contaminated the very same river I was now touching.

How could she be so calm saying everything that she did to me without even a single hint of regret or shame? I could never do such a thing... I couldn't bring myself to open up the way that she did with me in the span of a single day. She was completely different from me... She actually wanted to continue living while I had no reason to continue on living... Especially if there was no one to love and care for me...

I continued basking in the sun's rays until they could no longer be seen, it had already become later in the afternoon. The sun had almost left, and the moon was already taking its rightful space in the sky.

I looked at my phone in hopes that someone would have messaged me, but just like any other day, I had no one that would worry about me and my existence. My phone was absent of any notifications whatsoever.

A deep sigh escaped my breath as I started making my way back to town, with every step that I took, I couldn't help but feel like it was blending in with my surroundings to the point where I couldn't hear anything else except for my own footsteps.

"Get out of the way!"

Just like that, I snapped back to reality and unconsciously moved to the side. The sound of a car rushing down the street and the voice of the driver snapped me back to reality; I glanced over in the direction of said car and heaved yet another sigh.

"Why couldn't it just... Run me over?" "Why can't I just die? It's not like anyone is going to care about me... It's not like I have anyone to go back to everyday... I can't even talk to anyone about what I'm feeling at times... So, what's the point of continuing on living?"

Slowly but surely, I continued making my way down the street but in the back of my head, the lingering thought of today being the day would creep into my thoughts every so often. It had come to a point where I wanted to do it... I couldn't live with myself any longer if it meant thinking about my imminent death. It would be even better for me to just seal the deal.

Upon arriving home, I pulled out the keys from my pocket, gently opened the door and started making my way inside. The vast emptiness in the house was suffocating to deal with, everything was in complete darkness, it almost looked as if no one lived here and it could really be said that that was the case.

Being an only child, there was really no one you could talk to or mess around with and even though one could say that they had their parents and friends, I had none of that... My douchebag of a father had abandoned both my mother and me for someone else... It had gotten to the point where she would suffer physical abuse from him and for that reason, we had never had a good relationship between him and me.

It was always a back and forth between the both of us, be it verbal abuse or even physical abuse at times. There were no moments where we were at peace with each other. We hated each other's guts so much to the point where I had thought about killing my own father for everything, he had done to us. Thankfully, it never came to that, and he simply abandoned my mother and myself, he had left us to die on our own.

Even though my mother and I had a nice relationship, things had started to deteriorate slowly but surely as time passed by... My mother had begun doing her own thing, she was starting to move on from everything that had happened to her, and I was glad, but at the same time... It was hurtful... It felt like I was no longer needed in her life to be happy.

A sigh escaped my breath, and I made my way towards my room, I closed the door behind me, locked the door and laid down on my bed. I turned my head slightly to my nightstand and stared at the locked drawer... It was a drawer with contents that only I knew about, I made sure to keep it locked up from everyone... Including myself since I knew if I opened it, I would probably never close it again.

Day in and day out, I would spend the majority of my time locked away in my room without the physical presence of another human around me and because of that, my thoughts had started taking over me completely. Ever since the first day I had tried to end things completely... I remembered that moment so vividly it was almost scary...

I was waiting for the train to arrive at the station and there were countless people there too waiting for the train. That day, I had been through some bullying and also a heartbreak of my own... It hadn't been the first time I had gone through both of those things, but the way everything had happened simply made it that much worse for me.

My mind was completely blank the moment I waited for the train. Off in the distance, the sound of a horn could be heard and instead of thinking that I was finally going to be able to sit down and relax, all I could think about was how easy it would be if it just squashed me and ended everything I had been through that day.

With each time I could hear it getting closer the thought of just walking off into the tracks grew stronger and stronger. The desire to disappear was suffocating me and taking over me and just like that, with the simple action of taking a few steps forward, I was on the train tracks with only a few minutes left of whatever I had remaining of my own life...

I could finally end the fucking feeling of regret that I had after all the idiotic things I had done. I could finally be in peace and not have to worry about going through the same bullshit over and over and over and over like a never-ending cycle. I could just forget about it just like how every other person had forgotten about my existence and simply considered me a piece of garbage on the floor.

Before I knew it, I snapped back to reality and looked at the time "It's already this late?" I let out a sigh and as I tried getting up from my bed, I could feel my arms giving out on me. Simply remembering that moment was giving me chills and anxiety.

"Why am I so useless? I can't do anything fucking right..."

I glanced over one last time at the drawer... The lingering feeling in my chest was telling me that it was fine... Everything would be fine if I just ended it all... 

I reached underneath my bed and searched for a little bit longer until I found a small key which fit neatly into the drawer. Upon opening it, I grabbed a small pouch and inside it was a small blade, one so small you could keep it in your pocket, and no one would notice it.

I stared at it for a bit and slowly but surely pressed it up against my neck, I could feel the blade right up against my jugular and the trinkling feeling of something falling onto the blade snapped me a little bit back to reality.

"I'm sorry for everything Mom... I'm sorry that you have such a worthless son... I'm sorry that I have to resort to doing things like this... I don't deserve to live any longer if it means hurting you"

Those were complete lies, or at the very least, that wasn't the only reason I wanted to end things...  I was embarrassed for what I had gone through, I didn't want to show my face to anyone ever again after what I had done. I could never love or be loved by anyone; I was meant to be alone for all eternity and die alone just like I had wished for my own father.

"I'm sorry that you have such a piece of shit of a son like me... But you won't have to worry about it anymore... I'll be gone and out of this godforsaken place"